All my reviews (N-Z)

N

Nancy                                                                          EH/OK

Nancy is a young woman living with her mom until she passes away.  She sees something on TV about a couple that lost their daughter 30 years ago and never returned (or was ever found).  She contacts the parents claiming she might be the missing daughter and her late mother kidnapped her (how convenient that a picture of the aged girl closely resembles her).  Clearly Nancy is off her rocker, at least we think she is (we already saw her pretend to be someone else online), and just wanted a new home to go to.  She travels to meet the parents (the dad played by Steve Buscemi) and they say they wanted to meet her before getting the cops involved.  Okay, a stranger claims to be your missing daughter 30-years aged and you don’t want to make sure she’s not some psycho?  When they do a DNA test, the guy claims it will take 2-3 business days.  How convenient, that just gives Nancy at least 2 more days to leech.  After insinuating herself into the couple’s lives, you’re just waiting for the inevitable (creating the only modicum of suspense).  How are the parents going to react?  Is Nancy going to do something when they find out?  How they do ultimately react almost makes them as deranged as she appears to be (I don’t care if she did a good deed or not).  Either that or there really are still good Samaritans out there.  Nancy’s final decision herself makes it appear she wasted their time and, arguably, ours as well.  9/18/2018

Nanny                                                                          OK/G

New film on Amazon Prime marketed as a horror drama, emphasis on the drama.  It works best as a character study above all.  The few “horror” elements we do see are kind of lame and the worst parts of the movie actually.  It involves a Senegalese woman in New York watching a couple’s young daughter in hopes of making enough money to bring over her young son from Africa.  She appears to be welcome at first until eventually she’s scolded for things like feeding the girl food she prepares herself and for not always keeping an eye on her (pertaining to one incident in the park).  The matriarch also hasn’t paid her for quite some time.  The ending is such a sucker punch to the gut; it is very depressing, thereby making it the most horrific aspect of the entire film.  12/17/2022

Nas:  Time is Illmatic                                                  OK

Nas is probably one of the best hardcore rappers still making music today.  He is intelligent while delivering a brutally honest message about street life enveloped in a humanistic manner.  Running a scant 74 minutes, everything from how his parents met, to his family moving to New York from the South, to beginning his career are included.  Not a bad success story for a high school dropout.  It’s a shame this biopic doesn’t differentiate from other rags-to-riches tales.  If Nas’ movie ruled them all, imagine that!  10/29/2016

Natural Selection                                                         G

You’d be subliminally blind to not see where this is eventually leading.  Not only based on the title but also the multiple shots of a certain item and the general misanthropy of one character.  The movie focuses entirely on the people’s lives before the tragic event is about to occur and I think the performances and direction were satisfactory.  Sure, we’ve seen this all before but the duplicitous “he said/she said” bullshit prevalent in high school (and everyday life for that matter) rings true.  Perhaps if more people like the protagonist noticed certain behaviors, tragedies copycatting Columbine could be averted.  1/22/2017

The Neighbor                                                              B

Rear Window much?  Not quite actually.  It’s much worse.  I do hope you know I’m talking about the Hitchcock version and not the TV movie remake with Christopher Reeve.  I don’t recall much about the latter other than remembering watching it when it premiered and it’s probably because I didn’t really care.  I had to research and see if this was a TV movie but, nope, it was actually distributed as a film.  I guess if there’s at least one recognizable face (I counted two here), distribution isn’t a problem no matter how generic the script is.  I’ve seen enough of these domestic thrillers to prophesize several outcomes before they eventually happen.  This one didn’t tack on a single twist, making it a very bland film, as bland as films could possibly be.  The neighbor should’ve just taken his wife’s advice and stayed out of their new neighbor’s affairs or just called the police and had them handle it.  Then, like always, this movie wouldn’t exist and perhaps that’s when the screenwriter should consider a rewrite or throw this script out altogether so people like me wouldn’t choose to sit through extremely lame shit like this.  2/28/2018

Neither Heaven Nor Earth                                          OK

I liked the mystery of this French film taking place in Afghanistan.  Sadly, that’s all there is to it.  This felt like the equivalent of a Joyce Carol Oates short story:  good build-up with an incomplete conclusion.  I know some stories are meant to end that way, but I felt cheated when this ended.  Perhaps I might appreciate this more after reading other reviews, specifically from horror writers?  Perhaps, but everyone is their own critic.  Yeah, there’s several movies I wasn’t initially crazy about but ended up loving after getting other opinions and having repeat viewings.  So perhaps I might like it better the second time but I’m giving you my first impression for now.  1/29/2017

The Neon Demon                                                        G

What some people would do to make it in this world!  I like movies that are different.  Not different where style predominantly trumps substance or different for the sake of being different ending up pointless, but different by subverting traditional storylines and the uncertainty.  I have to enjoy it or take something from it.  Some parts of this film made me appreciate not being colorblind.  Style (especially here) certainly can be appealing.  There’s a mesmerizing ethereal aesthetic fitting the director’s (Fear X, Drive) style and you sense something ominous is lurking around the corner.  I totally didn’t see the finale coming.  It may disturb some.  It may delight some.  You must have patience to watch this beautifully brutal picture.  Not for all tastes.  6/28/2016

Nerve                                                                           G

Pretty simplistic story geared towards the modern generation glued to their various social media outlets in this digital age.  The ending may be a little dull, but there’s a modicum of suspense sprinkled throughout and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  10/29/2016

Never Goin’ Back                                                       OK

These two girls are definitely living in squalor but, like many in similar situations, aren’t too happy about it (they steal and do drugs at times too, so they aren’t exactly perfect).  They work waitress jobs as many hours as they can muster just to live in a house shared with one of their drug dealing brothers and another dude.  All they want is to make enough to pay rent and spend one of their upcoming birthdays at the beach.  Of course one thing after another prevents that from happening.  Their lives really do suck, but so did many other characters before them.  Also, about that drug dealing brother, it seemed like just as much time was spent focusing on him and his equally low-life buddies whom I really couldn’t stand.  I guess there wasn’t enough to effectively focus mostly on the girls.  11/17/2018

Never Hike Alone                                                        G

Here is another fan-made Jason Voorhees film released in 2017 and currently available on YouTube (I reviewed another fan-made Jason Voorhees film, Vengeance, in my last blog entry).  Initially, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about this barely 54-minute film since it was partially found footage-ish following one guy filming his hiking adventures before stumbling across the abandoned Camp Crystal Lake.  I think I can speak for the majority of Friday the 13^th fans, or slasher fans in general, when I say we watch those plotless movies strictly for the characters and the kills.  Knowing full well the guy couldn’t be killed right away lest Jason have no more potential victims made me wonder how this was going to work.  Well…somehow it did work.  The short run-time probably aided in that regard.  There were beautiful shots of the woods and camp before Jason inevitably made his presence known (at least to the character), and knowing he was eventually going to appear undeniably gave the film a bit of suspense.  They didn’t do the greatest job of recreating the campsite since I couldn’t recall a single film in the franchise, but an abandoned camp is still an abandoned camp and I was fascinated regardless (I have a thing for abandoned sites).  This was a well-made fan film that was infinitely better than Vengeance; well, infinitely better may be an over-exaggeration, but I would still tell fans to choose this over Vengeance any day.  There’s even a cameo from Thom Mathews (no spoiler since you can see it in the film’s credits or his filmography), known for playing Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13^th Part VI and VII (playing the same character here, aged obviously but recognizable nonetheless) and also for The Return of the Living Dead and its sequel.  9/24/2019

Never Hike in the Snow                                               OK

(haiku review)

Friday the 13^th.

Half hour fan film.  YouTube.

Bloody, but too short.  10/18/2020

[Check out my review of its predecessor, Never Hike Alone, in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com, which I thought was better and was a bit longer]. 

Newtown                                                                     G

Mass shootings are always tragic for surviving relatives and friends.  The one that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012 was the only one that pulled at my dark heartstrings unwittingly getting those tear ducts flowing.  Come on, 20 little kids were killed that probably had no idea what was happening and I thought about my 2 little nieces that weren’t in school yet at the time.  I know kids are slaughtered constantly in other countries but we’re not presented with all those stories.  Newtown seems like most peaceful suburban towns never expecting these tragedies to befall.  This documentary presenting interviews with surviving family members and some with relatives of surviving kids is very depressing during the first half.  Its potency forces you to keep watching regardless of how much your heart (however dark) begs you not to.  One thing I did like, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen beforehand, is no one brought up God.  What God would allow 20 six and seven-year-olds to die so horribly before ever having a chance at a full life?  Shy of two weeks before Christmas no less.  Those families are never going to truly heal.  Another thing I liked is when one of the surviving mothers stated she wouldn’t forgive the shooter if he lived and doesn’t know if she’ll ever truly forgive him or his mother for providing easy access to firearms.  Since 20 kids and 6 staff were killed that day, I would’ve liked to see more interviews.  Less than half the surviving relatives were included here.  I can understand how upsetting it would be and some might prefer being out of the spotlight, but an explanation for their exclusion would’ve been nice.  I’m sure this isn’t going to be the last film based on the tragedy though.  No matter where you stand with the 2^nd Amendment, they can outlaw guns but that obviously won’t stop people from obtaining them.  Didn’t work for alcohol and never worked for weed (which is still mostly illegal).  Plus, if single-digit aged children being victims wasn’t enough reason for gun bans or strictly enforced regulations, they’re never going to be outlawed.  5/17/2017

The Nice Guys                                                             OK

This starts off fun and looks like it could’ve been made in the late ‘70s (when it takes place).  It overstays its welcome though.  I thought it was over twice before it actually was.  9/23/2016

The Night                                                                    OK/G

A Middle Eastern couple leave a friend’s house and decide to crash at a hotel for the night on the way home.  I believe this took place in America, but there was no indication of any location (I knew not it was filmed in Los Angeles until it was over, but that doesn’t mean it took place there, although research informed me the hotel in the film is a real one located in L.A., so maybe).  It is predominantly subtitled, in Farsi (Persian), so the character’s ethnicity is really only about representation since American horror films rarely feature Middle Easterns as main characters (the director is Middle Eastern as well).  Anyway, it starts off as a bit of a slow burn, but once the ball gets rolling, it rolls, sometimes even a bit chillingly.  You might occasionally be reminded of other “hotel horror films,” i.e. The Shining, 1408, The Innkeepers; at least I was.  A revelation towards the end is as clichéd as they come and the ending may be a bit ambiguous for some, if not most, but it was better than an ending I thought it was going to contain, one that would’ve negated the entire film and been just another cliché.  Not perfect, but still a supernatural horror film set at a hotel (which is really just a location that could’ve been substituted) worth checking out, likely instigating varying discussions/analyses.  7/16/2021

Night at the Eagle Inn                                                 OK/G

A brother and sister (twins) from Philadelphia travel to the titular hotel in Vermont since that is where their mother died giving birth to them and their father disappeared right after.  This is one of those you’ll have to wait until it’s over to truly know your opinion, because it starts off as a typical haunted hotel film, bringing to mind The Innkeepers the most (and there are references to Psycho and The Shining).  In other words, the ending makes it a better movie.  While there was enough contained in the story to feel somewhat complete, it still felt a bit underdeveloped and that could be due to its barely even 70-minute length (there’s a lot they could’ve done with this story).  It did probably look better on paper and would work better as a short story/novella, but it’s a decent indie flick when all is said and done that won’t take up too much of your time.  11/7/2021

The Night Before                                                         B/EH

No, this isn’t the Seth Rogen film.  I never actually saw that movie.  This title refers to All Hallows Eve instead of Christmas Eve.  It’s basically a Strangers-type film with a somewhat reversed scenario.  It’s slightly predictable, unoriginal and pointless.  Yawn.  There’s a monkey doll too.  And I believe “trick or treat motherfucker!” was already said by Busta Rhymes in Halloween:  Resurrection.  9/30/2017

Night Comes On                                                         OK

A teenage girl wants revenge on her dad for killing her mother years ago and getting away with it.  In between being released from a detention center and eventually (and inevitably) meeting up with dad, the film depicts a sisterly bond that’s both endearing and slightly troubled, obviously stemming from what happened and its ensuing effects.  The conclusion was a bit of a letdown in that it felt all too common.  The young girls’ performances were noteworthy though, especially the leading lady’s.  12/7/2018

The Night Eats the World                                            EH

Another zombie movie?!  This is one of those in which we see the aftereffects of it and how people, here being one guy, try and survive in this new reality.  What exactly makes this entry so special?  Absolutely nothing!  A guy shuts himself off from a party in a room and wakes up to an undead apocalypse.  He barricades himself in the apartment building, scavenges for food, collects water by leaving buckets and whatnot on the roof for when it rains, and generally tries to keep himself entertained, like shooting zombies from a window with a paintball gun and playing with a drum set.  I will say that he devised a clever way to make music with several household items that only someone with all the time on their hands could concoct.  Like usual, another human eventually enters his life but their stay doesn’t last long so I didn’t see why their introduction even mattered.  I never read the book in which this is based, but this is one of those times where I believe this story would probably be better if read; that way we would be able to get inside this man’s head, making it more intimate instead of being bored watching him be bored.  11/3/2018

Nightmare Alley                                                          EH

Initially, I knew not this Guillermo del Toro-helmed feature was a remake of a 1947 film of the same name.  Being that I like to see the original first, if possible, I watched that version beforehand (which I only saw available on YouTube).  I, and many others, always frown upon remakes, especially if the original does not need improving.  As you can see, I gave both of these versions the same low rating and I was really hoping Guillermo would improve this material given his oeuvre.  [Mr. del Toro certainly has style, but his films are hit and miss with me; I have been a fan of The Devil’s Backbone, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth, and Crimson Peak, and am always curious as to what he puts out (I am looking forward to his stop-motion version of Pinocchio coming out later this year)].  The 1947 film was pretty pointless and felt like something huge was missing from the entire proceedings.  This version is largely the same film with the obvious differences being it’s in color with modern performers (Bradley Cooper, Toni Collette, Cate Blanchett, and Willem Dafoe, to name a few).  This film has worthy performances and most definitely looks good, but, very much like the original, completely lacks substance.  In terms of plot, Bradley Cooper plays a scam artist of sorts that works at carnivals and whatnot, and, as you can imagine, things eventually don’t work out so well.  It’s hard to tell how I would’ve felt about this version if I didn’t watch the original first, so close in time at that.  I likely still would’ve felt it was a case of style over substance.  Since both movies are predominantly similar, all I can say is, if you prefer older movies in black-and-white, watch the original, and if you prefer modern movies in color, watch this one.  I’m not recommending either though, both being a huge waste of time; the original is almost two hours, this one is almost 2 ½!  2/5/2022

Nightmare Cinema                                                      G

Pretty good horror anthology film consisting of five tales presented as movies in a theater, all helmed by directors behind genre titles:  Alejandro Brugués (Juan of the Dead), Joe Dante (Piranha, The Howling, Gremlins, The ‘Burbs), Ryũhei Kitamura (Versus, The Midnight Meat Train), David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night), and Mick Garris (Sleepwalkers, The Stand, Riding the Bullet).  As I’ve said before, anthology films can either have more hits than misses, more misses than hits, mostly hits, mostly misses, all hits, or all misses.  This one definitely had more hits; I liked 4 of the 5 and I didn’t hate the one, I just thought it was the weakest.  It begins with a bang in Alejandro’s “The Thing in the Woods” and I almost want to recommend the film on this entry alone.  It starts like a typical slasher film in the woods before becoming something else entirely after a clever twist is revealed.  The aforementioned weakest entry follows and is Mr. Dante’s “Mirare,” involving plastic surgery gone haywire.  It wasn’t a terrible segment; there was just no satisfying payoff.  Mr. Kitamura’s “Mashit” is a pretty good tale involving religion and the titular demon and contains a fairly gory finale.  David Slade’s “This Way to Egress” is a largely original Twilight Zone-ish story but slightly darker and actually might benefit from being longer (it was ironically shot in black & white like that Rod Serling anthology show too).  The final tale directed by Mick Garris (“Dead”) is slightly akin to The Sixth Sense, but that doesn’t mean it still didn’t possess an eerie quality to it, nor make it any less compelling (and I’m absolutely not dissing that M. Night Shyamalan film either, but the whole “I see dead people” trope has been done to death---pun intended).  All in all, this isn’t a superb anthology film (the first segment was great, the second not great, and the last three were decent), but it’s definitely worth checking out and not a waste of time (the DVD was a little under $10 at Walmart and On Demand has it for $5.99).  I could see this becoming a franchise…well, any anthology movie has the potential to become a franchise since it’s generally short films with no relation to each other, but The Projectionist (played by Mickey Rourke) whom stores these “movies” in his collection could potentially become iconic.  9/8/2019

Nightmare Shark                                                         OK

Night terrors are awful to begin with but imagine having the same shark (supposedly based on Hawaiian folklore) with teeth much longer and sharper than the average shark coming after you each time.  Such is the dilemma facing a group of people (dreaming of the same exact shark) that travel to a home in the middle of nowhere (aren’t they always?) in the hopes of having this “nightmare shark” eradicated from their dreams.  Thomas Ian Nicholas appears, that’s two shark movies this year (Trailer Park Shark reviewed in my last blog), and if you pay close attention, there’s a reference to that other film here (you absolutely don’t have to watch that one first but you might not get the reference).  As you’ll probably figure out or not be too surprised when revealed, the man at the home has a more sinister agenda in mind for these afflicted people.  Since nightmares are involved, you’ll probably foresee a possible ending right away or not be too surprised when revealed, but some of it was worthwhile especially the different dream sequences involving the shark.  While it’s a somewhat innovative concept for a sharksploitation film and the shark itself, although CGI, is pretty gnarly and theoretically creepy, the concept seemingly wasn’t enough to effectively fill up an 85-minute movie as it gradually gets bogged down in familiarly bland territory with a bit of a stretch without the titular shark, making me think I was watching a psychological thriller involving dreams instead.  9/8/2018

Night of the Animated Dead                                        OK/G

Night of the Living Dead, the original 1968 version helmed by the late George A. Romero, is not only one of my favorite zombie movies, but one of my favorite movies in general.  The 1990 remake helmed by the legendary Tom Savini was decent too.  Was this animated update necessary?  Probably not, but the majority, if not all, of remakes aren’t really necessary (I’ve probably said that countless times too).  If you’re very much familiar with the original film (like yours truly), you’ll know what to expect…in animated form (I mean, a very few things are done a bit differently).  If there’s a chance you actually haven’t seen the original, or even the remake, and you call yourself a horror fan, or general cinema buff, then what the hell have you been waiting for?  If you do happen to be one of those people that hasn’t seen it though (and I totally suggest you do), you might think this is an enjoyable zombie film.  The animation may not be of the highest quality, but there is gore (likely what earned its R-rating) and the scenes us fans know so well were recreated satisfactorily.  No, this absolutely does not replace the original, but I think it’s a decent rendition for NOTLD fans that’s barely over an hour.  From what I remember, it’s a whole lot better than that 2009 film, Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated (my archives indicate I gave it zero out of four stars, when I did star ratings, and a movie had to be completely horrendous for me to give it that low of a rating!).  10/11/2021

Night of the Living Deb                                               OK/G

Another zombie movie?  Cribs the title from the George Romero classic but is more in tune with Shaun of the Dead.  I liked the two protagonists.  It was funny and fun tagging along.  It becomes conventional once more characters enter the picture.  I would’ve enjoyed this more if it revolved solely around Deb and the “one-night stand” guy.  There is a slight twist at the end that puts the entire movie in a different light.  It’s not jaw-dropping by any means, just makes it a slightly different movie and I kind of dug it.  11/28/2016

Night School                                                                B

I thought a comedy featuring both Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish would’ve worked, or at least have been funny.  There may have been a chuckle or two (in the entire film) which couldn’t nearly erase how truly terrible this movie was.  I knew it was doomed from the start and it doesn’t get any better during its 100-plus minute length.  The Breakfast Club this is not.  This is not even The Perfect Score which this tried to be at one time and that movie wasn’t even that good.  I hated, hated this movie!  1/3/2019

Nine Lives                                                                   OK/G

This body-switch film is actually quite creative at times and Kevin Spacey is quite convincing as a cat.  It’s funny sometimes too.  It’s cliché as hell too.  It contains the typical I didn’t realize how good I had it in my other body plus I observe how nasty I may have been to those around me revelation present in these types of films.  It wasn’t the worst I’ve seen.  Kiddies will probably enjoy it.  Cat lovers might too.  Everyone else will most likely wish this is the only lifetime (not the next eight!) they’ll see this movie.  11/30/2016

1922                                                                            OK

I did read the novella in Stephen King’s collection Full Dark, No Stars, recollecting specific parts while watching.  In the same way I won’t compare art forms like the recently reviewed, Gerald’s Game, this critique will be on the film only.  It’s decent but still felt somewhat familiar and unfinished.  It’s a dark tale about a man slowly falling apart after one action leads to one consequence after another, all started out of greed.  It brings up the age-old reflection---If this one event didn’t occur, how much different would my life have been?  Thomas Jane doesn’t play a very convincing country boy to the point I knew he was acting.  That’s not good since performers should be fully immersed in character while I’m the voyeur spying on their lives.  Oh, and if you have any form of musophobia, you might want to steer clear because there’s rats, RATS, RATS!  11/7/2017

The 9^th Life of Louis Drax                                           OK

I thought this movie looked interesting and curiosity won when seeing it was directed by the same guy behind High Tension and the The Hills Have Eyes and Piranha remakes.  The story begins compellingly but the middle is sluggish and sappy.  It would’ve been more involving to see more of the comatic subconscious world, but this wasn’t directed by Tim Burton or Guillermo del Toro.  The ending’s actually slightly dark and mildly depressing.  This movie is like a sandwich having good bread with nothing so great in between.  2/9/2017

Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight                          OK

Here we have a Polish slasher movie recently added to Netflix in which a group of people attend a camp geared towards getting them away from technology.  They split up into groups and head into the woods in true slasher style.  I did mention this was a Polish film, so, yes, that means there are subtitles 99% of the time if you don’t understand Polish (the 1% is when two characters quote a certain American movie that actually isn’t a slasher film).  This film is full of clichés even though one character appears very knowledgeable of the genre, i.e. entering a strange house in the middle of the woods, investigating noises, a car only starting when it’s convenient, etc.  The killers, yes plural, are downright repulsive to behold (you do eventually see why), giving the inbred killers in all the Wrong Turn films a hefty run for their money (ironically, one of the kills here was exactly like one in Wrong Turn 2).  I was hoping those Poles would strike two this year with Netflix releases after giving us the worthy The Woods series; I mean, some of the kills here were fine and it isn’t the worst movie I’ve seen in the subgenre, but, unfortunately, it doesn’t deviate much from many of its average American (or elsewhere) counterparts.  11/2/2020

Nocturnal Animals                                                      G

The beginning is certainly attention-grabbing albeit unwarranted, unless you enjoy seeing nude overweight women dancing.  Anyway, this thriller containing a story-within-a-story is an example where the performances outweigh the script.  Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Shannon (as ugly as he always was) are phenomenal and elevate the stale material immensely.  Usually I don’t pay particular attention to acting as much as content but I guess I do when it’s this good.  (I guess I should say I notice acting when it’s either really good or really bad).  I’m not saying I didn’t actually enjoy the story itself, I just didn’t feel it offered anything fresh.  The ending slightly seemed inconclusive but gave me something to think about.  12/15/2016

Nocturne                                                                     EH

Why can’t Satan get some decent cinematic representation?  This begins as a mopey teen drama where a group of friends create their own “Ouija board” and fool around for far too long.  I lost interest before the “horror” actually happened.  Supposedly Satan possesses one of them and causes expected destruction amongst the rest.  It could’ve been a good idea, however cliché, if better structured and had demonic themes sooner instead of much later.  7/7/2017

Nocturne                                                                     EH

A girl at a music school commits suicide in the very beginning.  Another girl, seemingly always in competition with her twin sister who both attend the same school, obtains said girl’s notebook and Movies 101 would usually inform you that’s probably not the best idea.  This movie is lame, containing nothing we haven’t seen before (jealousies, possible curses, duplicitous characters) and threw no curveballs before the straightforward (and expected) conclusion.  It felt like this may have been influenced a bit by Black Swan (several critics on Rotten Tomatoes also made the comparison), but it failed immensely at being anywhere near as good.  11/10/2020

No Men Beyond This Point                                         OK

Feminists would certainly revel if this were reality.  Lesbians probably wouldn’t mind either.  This mockumentary depicts a world where women are able to get pregnant asexually, spawning only females.  Therefore, men are slowly becoming obsolete.  The remaining men live in sanctuaries while women run the world.  This leads to heterosexuality becoming an abomination but some women still have feelings for men.  I would say this film is sexist but if the genders were reversed it wouldn’t even work for a sci-fi film since (cisgendered) men can’t hold babies (Junior with Sir Arnold was stupid, don’t even go there).  Unless they kept a few women whose sole purpose was to carry out the pregnancies, but then there’d be a 50/50 chance of only producing male offspring.  Even though it’s a mockumentary, the serious tone doesn’t mesh well with the comical premise.  I think it might be a decent idea, although sexist, if it were handled as a serious science fiction movie.  7/25/2016

No One Will Save You                                                 OK/G

I really thought this new alien invasion flick from the director of Spontaneous (a film I enjoyed; you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/11/bill-ted-face-music.html), available on Hulu, was going to be great based on the first half.  It is 99% dialogue-free, which I thought was going to be 100% dialogue-free because it effectively eschewed moments that were about to call for dialogue up until the five words spoken towards the end.  In it, a young woman named Brynn (revealed to be in her early twenties) lives alone in a house in the woods in a small town; her mom passed (don’t remember hearing about daddy), and she lost her best friend ten years prior (you will learn how).  One night, an alien enters her house and it’s a fight for survival from then on.  Now, I had a love/hate relationship with this film; well, more love/dislike.  The pros definitely outweighed the cons (it has a very tense set-up and does manage to be suspenseful throughout), but the cons really did disappoint me.  I liked how the aliens weren’t friendly (for the most part), they looking like stereotypical extraterrestrials; obviously they are CGI, but I didn’t hate them, nor did I love them (they actually looked passable given the circumstances, although they eventually made me like the film a little less).  What truly ruined it for me was the, what I thought, weak ending (clichéd even) which might’ve rendered the once-menacing aliens to appear less so.  [For another evil alien flick released this year, check out Kids vs. Aliens; my review is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/01/kids-vs-aliens.html].  9/24/2023

Nope                                                                            OK

Jordan Peele’s third film.  Was it his best?  Nope!  It might be my least favorite of his so far, but I didn’t dislike it.  I did like Get Out even though I didn’t quite read it right the first time, and watching it a second time with more knowledge didn’t alter my opinion (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/03/mooby-reviews-3112017.html). I kind of liked Us too, but I’m still a bit baffled with some of its logic even after two viewings (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/03/us.html). Surely you must have heard by now that this feature involves aliens, or something otherworldly.  Someone posited that the title might be an acronym for Not of Planet Earth.  That’s a possibility, but the title is just a word uttered by more than one character during the film.  There are definitely interesting aspects to this, and, even though it’s a bit over 2 hours, it didn’t seem like it despite containing uneventful moments.  I didn’t quite understand some it completely by the time it was over, and it happens, so I’ll admit I looked up spoilers to try and have everything answered (I have a real problem with not having all my questions answered, unless I can postulate my own conclusions).  I did have the majority of my questions answered after researching and my overall opinion didn’t really change; reading up on it made me realize how truly straightforward it is (which isn’t necessarily a complaint).  Like I said, I didn’t dislike it and might like it better the next time, Jordan Peele definitely being a filmmaker to keep an eye on (he knows his horror), but I just wasn’t entirely impressed.  Nope, nope, nope!  8/20/2022

Norm of the North                                                       EH

Maybe I’m not too keen on modern animation that doesn’t have the Disney or Pixar trademark attached?  Sure, this film about a talking polar bear moving to New York from the Arctic and back is harmless, but it’s also bland and instantly forgettable.  Everything happens as is expected.  Undestined to become a classic but if society proves me wrong in the future, I might give this movie another shot.  Might.  Years from now.  5/28/2016

Nostalgia                                                                     B/EH

Nostalgia.  Something we all have.  It can pertain to an item, song, person, or even a specific memory.  Usually it refers to good things and that’s something we could all use more of considering we tend to dwell mostly on bad memories.  Nostalgia is also subjective.  Nostalgia is personal.  I’m not going to have the same feelings as someone else when it comes to their own nostalgia.  That’s a big reason why this movie failed to make me feel anything.  Why should I give a shit about someone else’s emotional connections if it doesn’t pertain to me?  Perhaps I wasn’t looking at it the right way?  Or maybe I have a cold heart?  The Jon Hamm/Catherine Keener storyline may have been able to go somewhere in this ensemble film.  Yes, this is an ensemble film, not an anthology film.  Anthology films rarely have any connecting stories other than a wraparound segment, whereas ensemble films focus on different characters while being connected somehow.  Creepshow is an anthology film.  Love Actually is an ensemble film.  Creepshow 2 is an anthology film.  Little Athens is an ensemble film.  The segment in question though goes on longer than it should after a predictably mawkish incident that’s far from fresh, making my eyes roll more than tear up.  Cold heart?  The only nostalgia I’ll ever have in regards to this dud are the delicious tacos, semi-cold Pepsi, and chewy fruit mix lemonheads I had while watching.  5/13/2018

November                                                                    EH

No, this isn’t the early 2000’s film starring Courtney Cox, this is a black & white film from Estonia that does actually take place during the 11^th month.  This is the first Estonian film I recall seeing and it’s a shame I didn’t like it better (first impressions and all).  It has the look of a gothic fairy tale but is really just bizarre, being outright silly at times.  It definitely has the most bizarre beginning I’ve seen in quite some time, if ever.  There’s bizarre and then there’s bizarre.  I’m a diehard fan of Tim Burton and David Lynch and have liked films by Darren Aronofsky and Gaspar Noe; they fall into the former category of bizarre while this film falls into the latter.  There’s no plot to speak of---it involves selling one’s soul to the Devil in exchange for life given to kratts (inanimate objects assembled together with the ability to speak), the mention of a plague, and those desiring other people’s affections.  Oh, the dead can actually come back to the land of the living on All Souls’ Day too.  I know surreal cinema doesn’t have to contain logic, but this movie is just weird, and long.  I like movies that are different and this movie definitely is different, but unique doesn’t always mean exceptional.  I hope the next Estonian film I see is better.  11/8/2018

November Criminals                                                   EH

Very bland thriller involving a teen investigating the shooting death of his friend after feeling the authorities aren’t doing their job.  Gee, I’ve never seen or heard of that before.  It basically illustrates that you never truly know who people are, however well you think you may know them.  Gee, I’ve never seen or heard of that before either.  This comes off as an episode for a second-rate crime show where this would’ve been one of the worst episodes.  This is a very flat movie with a very lackluster payoff.  This is the type of movie you’d likely see at the dollar store and buy out of curiosity not expecting much and eventually either selling to Tunes (or any used media outlet) or letting it collect dust at the back of your movie collection.  You get the idea…1/9/2018

The Nun                                                                      OK/G

Fifth film in The Conjuring universe set in the Fifties in Romania that was teased after the end credits of Annabelle:  Creation and is a prequel to The Conjuring.  A demon named Valak, brought to light in The Conjuring 2, was summoned many years prior to where an abbey now stands, taking the form of a Nun solely to blend in.  The site has been cursed since and the demon needs to inhabit a human body in order to escape.  I couldn’t say I was disappointed regardless of how I felt since my expectations were low beforehand, unlike Annabelle which I had high hopes for and was thus disappointed (it got better upon repeated viewings but still).  I mean sure, this does have its predictable jump scares and lets its big-budget CGI flashiness out on occasion, but there was something about it that grabbed my attention and made me want to like it.  I kind of wish I watched it at night to absorb all of its gothic horror allure, or saw it in the theater, but I had low expectations (like I said) and decided to wait.  That being said, watch it at night with the lights out.  12/4/2018

Nutcracker Massacre                                                  EH/OK

What will they think of next?  Sometimes, as in this instance, I wonder why they never thought of it before.  The nutcracker in this massacre isn’t a miniature model that instantly comes to mind, but a human-size one with two fixed faces (the typical nutcracker look and an evil, open-mouthed one which appears when he’s doing something wicked; you will see how he becomes sentient and what makes him evil).  In a (ahem) nutshell…

----------------------------

Pros---No CGI used and the design was passable; a different weapon used each kill (i.e. candy canes, ice skate, hammer, and another kind of nutcracker that becomes a literal definition); festive

Cons---Slow for an 86-minute movie; predictable (yes, even for a slasher movie); obviously low-budget; some kills poorly executed; horrible acting (I know, what should I have expected?)

----------------------------

Do I recommend this?  Ehh.  Not really.  I don’t know.  Only if you’re curious.  It is the time of year to watch it (and something new).  It’s free too (available on Tubi).  The cons definitely outweigh the pros, but I enjoyed it more than The Killing Tree (which I reviewed not that long ago in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-is-gwarthe-long-night.html).  If you’re looking for a fun, cheesy holiday horror movie to watch, I would just tell you to check out (or re-watch) Jack Frost and its sequel, Jack Frost 2:  Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (which are both also available on Tubi, meaning free, always).  12/3/2022

O

Ocean Waves                                                              EH

This Japanese animation from 1993 apparently wasn’t released (globally) until the end of last year.  It’s basically about a complicated love story and not much else.  Sometimes I think movies are too long.  This 73-minute movie could’ve been longer.  I didn’t see why I should’ve cared about this uninteresting relationship between two regular people.  4/23/2017

Occupation                                                                  EH

It’s Independence Day, but not quite, only in Australia.  There are alien invaders, not tentacled, and they’re passable, concealed or not.  I actually thought it was going to be a pretty decent alien invasion film at first, despite looking like a low-budget direct-to-video release.  At two hours though, it felt like two movies, and I couldn’t wait for the “second movie” to be over.  10/26/2018

The Offering                                                                EH

Possession flicks are D.O.A.  One part actually did frighten me and it wasn’t a typical “jump scare” where the music gets louder and anyone with a pulse would react.  Emphasis on the one part.  There’s an interesting notion pertaining to a sea creature mentioned in the Old Testament, but this faith-based thriller offers (pun intended) nothing we haven’t seen before (and most of what came before wasn’t worth watching either).  Let’s see:  A sibling or close friend dies.  The survived sibling/friend investigates.  The investigator comes across cases involving similar deaths.  There’s a final confrontation with the evil entity.  Everything’s resolved and wrapped in a pretty little bow.  Final image suggests a possible sequel.  Yawn.  6/10/2016

Of Horses and Men                                                     OK/G

There’s no plot to speak of as this literally consists of interactions between horses and men (and women) in an Icelandic region.  I can’t deny there isn’t anything quite like it though.  One part tries to rival the “warming up” scene from The Revenant but isn’t quite as effective.  Those expecting Black Beauty or a Flicka-type movie will be in for a surprise.  In fact, if you happen to have youngsters with an equine obsession, I suggest you watch this first and make your own decisions.  Some parts may be too intense for them and other scenes may be inappropriate.  12/13/2017

Olaf Presents (Season One)

(haiku review)

Five Disney movies.

Re-enactments by Olaf.

Cute two-minute eps.  11/14/2021

*Available on Disney+*

Old                                                                              OK/G

Mr. M. Night Shyamalan’s latest feature.  I can definitely say I’m a fan of the man.  I liked all of his films enough save for Lady in the Water, The Last Airbender, and After Earth, some more than others naturally, and I don’t include the two films he made before The Sixth Sense (that’s when his auteur status truly started).  In case you haven’t seen any previews or read about this newest film, a group of people go to a beach (I don’t remember getting a location, but it was filmed in the Dominican Republic) that may look like paradise, but is anything but.  There is a bit more to it than the simplistic premise, and I would hope so given it’s over 100-minutes.  I had a strange fascination with it, as I do most of his films, there being a disturbing air to it all.  The ending may divide viewers and could arguably make what came before appear less bleak (and it somewhat does), but, on the other hand, everything is tied up neatly in the way M. Night does well.  I have a feeling this might get better with age (pun intended), and I am interested in checking out the graphic novel it’s based on (Sandcastle), but as for being his best?  Absolutely not, but it’s definitely better than those three films I mentioned above!  10/23/2021

Ominous                                                                      EH

The people in this movie must never have seen Pet Sematary.  It’s usually never smart to resurrect loved ones since they most likely won’t return the same person, especially if caused by a Satanist cult member.  What begins as an Evil Dead-ish film gradually becomes a subpar TV-movie Omen remake.  With homage’s to the aforementioned films plus The Birds and, I thought, Children of the Corn II, this movie with equally impressive and atrocious special effects proves that sometimes (dead is better---Judd from Pet Sematary J) it’s better to just watch the films of yesteryear.  The only thing ominous here is a cliffhanger ending hinting at a possible sequel (like most modern horror/thrillers).  That’s why I’m here to tell you not to watch it so the studios won’t feel the need to please “fans” of the first one.  4/21/2016

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood                               EH

This is the 9^th film from Quentin Tarantino.  Tenth if you count Kill Bill, volumes 1 and 2, as separate movies (I, and mostly everyone else, count them as one).  Yes, I am a fan of Mr. Tarantino, the filmmaker who pretty much went to film school by working at a video store (those places were basically my education growing up).  Let’s see, I am a fan of Reservoir Dogs but don’t love it (I do own a shirt though that I got real cheap, so I like it enough).  I love Pulp Fiction (one of my favorite movies).  I like Jackie Brown, but it definitely wasn’t one of his best (he also had 2 previous films to live up to).  I am a fan of both volumes of Kill Bill, more so of the first volume.  I liked Death Proof, his half of Grindhouse.  Inglourious Basterds ended up being my favorite movie of the year it came out because I remember being engrossed the entire 2 ½ hours of mostly dialogue (something Quentin seems to excel at).  Django Unchained was good but felt as long as it actually was.  I did like The Hateful Eight, enough to make my ‘best of’ list that year, as it was an effective film using nonlinear techniques with several characters we got to know real well (both Tarantino-esque qualities as well).  Well, like they say (or someone said, I can’t really remember where it originated), every good director is entitled to at least one flop.  I’m not sure entitled is the correct word, but every good director is almost expected to make at least one flop, just like no musical artist is expected to have all good songs (even though, yes, everyone is different and tastes are subjective).  Anyway, I hate to say that I didn’t like this 9^th (or 10^th) film from Mr. Tarantino.  It was a big disappointment.  It could be that it didn’t really feel like a Tarantino film as well.  Much like the subject matter, it felt “too Hollywood” coming from a filmmaker of Quentin’s caliber.  It involves Leonardo DiCaprio as a western actor in the Sixties and the films-within-the-film he performed in did nothing but bog down the film we as an audience were watching.  I just didn’t see what was so compelling about watching him act as an actor in just parts of films-within-the-film.  None of the dialogue-heavy scenes (something Quentin normally excels at as I’ve said) were particularly striking either.  Oh, and the Manson family is involved too.  I think I’ve seen enough films featuring the man and his “family,” a recent one being Charlie Says which I wasn’t particularly a fan of.  I didn’t mind how Quentin rewrote some of history, many films based on fact are often fabricated anyway, and I enjoyed his signature use of violence utilized during that segment, but it wasn’t enough and was way too late to save the rest of the 161-minute feature.  Quentin, here’s to hoping your next film, which I hope isn’t Star Trek-related as has been rumored, picks you back up again.  I can momentarily forgive one misfire out of 9 (or 10) pictures.  12/14/2019

Once Upon a Time in Venice                                      EH

I guess Bruce Willis just needs a paycheck these days.  Or he’s just being nice to filmmakers, here being Mark and Robb Cullen, brothers responsible for writing the Kevin Smith dud, Cop Out, also starring Mr. Willis.  Bruce Willis is one of my first recollected celebrity crushes.  He definitely aged but he sorta almost still has it.  There’re several recognizable faces other than Bruce.  I guess they all need money too or are friendly with the Cullen brothers as well.  If this same movie were made with all unknowns, I doubt this would’ve been funded, at least not with a major studio.  The overall message is not to mess with a man’s dog, especially if it’s as cute as the one in this movie.  Didn’t I just see that in John Wick?  I’ll always love Bruce (more before than now) but not necessarily all his films.  At times I was reminded of Hudson Hawk, another silly movie of his from the early ‘90’s, only this time he skateboards naked.  8/17/2017

1BR                                                                             OK/G

Anyone that’s ever searched for an apartment knows the title stands for 1 Bedroom (as should anyone with common sense).  The young lady in this movie is looking for such a place when she moves to L.A. and lucks out when obtaining one at a complex containing a seemingly welcoming community wherein everyone knows everyone.  Like with most things that seem too-good-to-be-true though, this apartment complex has a shady way of “welcoming” people into their group.  First, she gets a nasty letter.  Then, her pet is murdered inside her own apartment.  Then, things get really twisted.  Like with most films nowadays, especially ones with similar premises, this film does feel derivative and is predictable at times, but I enjoyed it enough to recommend at least one viewing.  Someone else told me to go in with low expectations and, dear reader, I’m telling you to do the same!  8/23/2020

One Cut of the Dead                                                   OK

I heard from more than one source that this Japanese film was a unique zombie movie, or at least a good one, I’m not sure, so I looked forward to watching it (being that “unique zombie movie” is basically an oxymoron anymore).  [POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD]  Well, it’s technically not a zombie movie; just a zombie movie within a movie.  Meaning, the majority of this film is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the roughly half-hour zombie film you thought was the real film in the beginning.  Normally I like to choose whether I want to see the making of a film on a DVD/Blu-ray extra (and depending on the length of the feature, I usually pass).  Don’t get me wrong, it was very creative in showing how everything was accomplished in the film-within-the-film (which was as standard as zombies movies come), but it just wasn’t what I expected before watching.  Instead of thinking I spoiled it for you, perhaps think of it as making you go in with a different expectation so as to avoid disappointment like me (although I appear to be alone since it received 100% on Rotten Tomatoes out of 83 critics).  2/1/2020

100 Streets                                                                   B

This is probably one of the worst ensemble films I’ve seen.  Not one segment in this U.K. film grabbed my interest.  My eyes rolled several times when coming across cliché after cliché.  There’s the has-been sports star (Idris Elba) who messed up his life and wants another chance to be a good father.  There’s the former gang member who wants to leave behind that part of his life.  There’s an older person the former gang member befriends who imparts wisdom and eventually meets a tragic end.  Been there, seen that!  There’s a scene involving a man meeting with the husband of the woman he accidentally killed.  The husband only wanted to know one thing---if she was smiling before he ran into her with his car.  One, he wasn’t paying attention to know.  Two, even if she was unhappy, I doubt a smile would be a natural reaction before getting rammed by a vehicle.  That’s just my logical opinion.  6/9/2017

The Ones Below                                                          EH

Do we really need another Rosemary’s Baby imitator?  Maybe if it was actually worthy unlike this movie.  No curveballs thrown here.  Good fences make good neighbors unless you live in an apartment, half-house or condo.  12/3/2016

Only Yesterday                                                            G

This animation came out in 1991 but was just recently released to North American audiences.  Not sure why.  I’m not the biggest fan of Anime but I’ll watch them if the story interests me or they’re critically acclaimed.  This comes from Studio Ghibli, the same studio that gave us films like Spirited Away and Ponyo.  A woman from Tokyo travels to the country while reminiscing about her past as a fifth grader in the 1960s (it’s apparently the 80s based on her age).  The grass is always greener on the other side, literally for her but metaphorically for the farmer who wishes he could’ve went to the city when he was young.  The film deals with real issues and looks amazing at times, particularly the countryside views and a scene inside a car while it’s raining.  The overall message appears to be that we must let go of our past if we ever want to move forward in life.  7/9/2016

On My Block:  Season One                                         OK

Lauren Iungerich, a lady white as can be, said she wanted to present a coming-of-age series where non-white characters were the “heroes.”  Or something like that.  It’s definitely apparent in this Netflix series centering on black and Latino teenagers in a town resembling South Central.  I’m always up for a good coming-of-age story regardless of demographics and location.  This is a diverse world, especially in America, and I believe all people should be represented.  Sometimes a different perspective can make an overdone storyline somewhat more appealing (Fresh off the Boat would likely be an ordinary sitcom if it didn’t involve an Asian-American family).  Speaking of diversity, homosexuals still seem to be a marginalized group in entertainment.  Not a single gay character was portrayed in this “inclusive” series despite being a universal trait, even in black and Latino communities.  I don’t expect gay characters to outnumber straight ones nor do I expect a gay character to be the main one, but if today’s world is to be reflected properly, all groups (race, gender, sexuality) should be included.  Anyway, the young teens beginning high school experience similar situations presented many times in “exclusive” entertainment, which I guess works to show kids deal with the same issues regardless of where they live.  Even in the ‘hood, people seem to eventually end up with their crushes.  They do live in a rough area, but the gang material generally takes a backseat to growing up.  At one point they even make light of guessing what type of gun they hear close-by.  Things get a bit interesting when a treasure hunt is involved, but it doesn’t start until episode 8 of 10.  There’s no happy ending to the season resulting from one character’s previous decision in which a fatal consequence should’ve been foreseen.  Unless season two is released within a month or two, I’m not sure if I’ll care to continue.  3/24/2018

Onward                                                                       OK/G

The newest Pixar film featuring a world full of mythological beings living like humans in modern times (magic gradually disappeared with the invention of light bulbs, gas stoves, and other conveniences).  We follow two elf brothers after the youngest receives a gift on his 16^th birthday left by their late father; said gift allows them to spend 24 hours with said father, but something goes wrong and off the boys go to retrieve an item needed to fix said wrong.  Now, with the exception of Inside Out, Pixar hasn’t really made a notable film since Toy Story 3, and before that, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Up, I thought Wall-E was overrated, and I disliked Cars (that being the first studio flop in my opinion).  Don’t get me wrong, I did like Brave, Monsters University, The Good Dinosaur, Finding Dory, Coco, and Incredibles 2, but I don’t feel they deserve classic status and of course that’s always subjective.  As for the rest, I hated Cars 2 (more than Cars), didn’t bother with Cars 3 because of my opinion on the first two, and Toy Story 4 should’ve never happened (Klaus deserved that best animated feature at the previous Oscars!).  Anyway, I felt the animation for this feature resembled that of a DreamWorks picture, and I hate to say it, but I think kids will enjoy it more than adults, but, again, that’s subjective.  [Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against DreamWorks; I’ve just generally felt they were the less impressive studio in both visuals and content].  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this film and there was a good deal I enjoyed about it, but there’s just nothing particularly great about it either.  It often felt too familiar and wasn’t as adventurous as other animated films of yesteryear (namely from Disney and Pixar).  You be the judge though, because, again, my opinion is subjective.  4/6/2020

The Open House                                                         EH/OK

Father and son go to a convenience store and---wait for it---something tragic happens.  Mother and son are driving on a desolate road at night before---wait for it---someone or something suddenly appears on the road.  In the dark basement---wait for it---a face or shadow eventually appears in the background.  Yes, there be clichés here.  It’s a “Netflix Original” so I don’t know why I expected any less.  I didn’t hate this movie as much as I should have, but it still wasn’t worth watching.  The mother and son are offered to stay at a house in the mountains after the father dies (refer back to the convenience store tragedy), with the only rule being to leave for a couple hours every Sunday during an---wait for it---open house.  Dylan Minnette (who plays the son) even mentions how shady open houses are since anyone can enter without being supervised and no one keeps track of who leaves.  Sure, him and mom check under the beds that appear to fit no one older than 12, but what about the rest of the big house or the basement that seems to have several corridors and hiding places?  It shouldn’t be hard to foresee from the beginning that---wait for it---someone is in the house (even before actually seeing so); it’s just a matter of what they’ll do and when.  The ending wasn’t so fresh but it was slightly dark considering I somewhat warmed up to the characters, even if I didn’t care for the movie they were in.  2/10/2018

Open 24 Hours                                                           EH/OK

(haiku review)

Girl.  Gas station.  Job.

Killer Ex just escaped jail.

Bloody, but too long.  8/25/2020

Open Water 3:  Cage Dive                                          OK

I think the first mistake was making it appear as a second sequel to Open Water.  It was originally marketed solely as Cage Dive.  Perhaps they wanted more exposure by presenting it as part of a franchise?  Or perhaps they didn’t want expectations being too high for fear of being viewed as another subpar shark attack film?  It’s a found footage film too.  Boo!  Perhaps that’s another reason for the added title?  It does bear similarities to Open Water and pretty much every other lost-at-sea film with or without sharks.  Instead of being mistakenly left behind though, this time our protagonists were in a cage while their boat was capsized by a massive wave.  I don’t know why it was originally titled Cage Dive anyway since they were only in the cage briefly.  The film was okay for what it’s worth.  There’s not too many original ways to make an effective shark attack movie anymore (I really hope a filmmaker out there is saying, “Hold my beer.”).  It was better than Open Water 2 which was also unrelated to the first with very minimal shark appearances and more to do with people stranded at sea.  I shouldn’t even compare to the first two in the series since I didn’t expect this to be part of it.  It’s less than 80 minutes too, so you won’t waste too much time if you insist on watching, but I think you’d enjoy other recent shark flicks (47 Meters Down, The Shallows) or even just the classics (Jaws) more.  10/11/2017

Oppenheimer                                                              B

Movies like this are why I would get fired if writing for a major publication.  I remember hearing about a critic being fired for penning a positive review for Gigli when it came out, a film that was panned by the majority.  This movie is nominated for 13 Oscars, including Best Picture, having already won other awards (i.e. Critics’ Choice, Golden Globes, etc.).  Well, guess what?  I hated it.  I don’t much care for what the Oscars say anyway, judging from past nominees and winners, but it does make one curious when a movie is praised by so many (hence the only reason I even bothered with this movie I had no interest in).  [In regards to the other contenders for Best Picture I’ve seen thus far…Barbie was overrated (review in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/10/dark-harvest.html); Killers of the Flower Moon was much too slow (3 ½ hours too!) and basically just reiterated everything we already sat through at the end; I did like The Holdovers, didn’t love it, but liked it and might revisit it sometime in the future during the holiday season; Past Lives was decent too; this was, by far, the worst of the bunch though].  Don’t get me wrong, I do like learning about  history (for the most part), and I do like biopics, they probably being my favorite form of nonfiction (usually I prefer ones of those I’m even just a  bit interested in, but I like to think I’m a little open-minded, and I don’t mind learning something new).  All I knew about this Mr. Oppenheimer (played by Cillian Murphy here) beforehand was that he helped develop a bomb, one that did cause mass destruction, as well as fatalities.  I wanted to turn this off after just five minutes (!), but I stuck through its roughly three-hour runtime (three hours of which I’ll never get back!) in hopes it may have gotten better, thinking of all the great things said about it.  [I really wish I could just stop a movie I have no interest in finishing.  Maybe one of these days my OCD won’t get the better of me.  I did manage to stop watching at least three TV shows last year…].  Everything felt rushed, too many people coming and going too (many of them played by recognizable faces), and a three-hour movie should definitely not feel overstuffed, especially if long before the halfway mark!  I actually didn’t fall asleep (surprisingly), but all of this just went right over my head.  Currently, only 34 out of 497 critics on Rotten Tomatoes agree with me (I don’t feel so bad since it’s at least in the double-digits), and one Peter Martin nailed it with a ten ton hammer---“I felt like I was stuck in a classroom for three hours while a series of learned professors lectured me, hectoring me for being stupid, unable to understand or grasp the meaning of a Very Important Subject.”  I have a feeling this is going to win a couple awards on March 10, likely even Best Picture, but I really don’t care.  I hated, hated, hated this movie.  2/25/2024

Orion and the Dark                                                     G

DreamWorks animation available on Netflix involving a young boy (of the title) that fears many things, the dark being one of them.  Dark is personified here, its very own character, and he confronts our protagonist one night, asking him to tag along to see what he does, hoping this will conquer his fear.  Off they go, meeting up with other entities associated with the dark (Sleep, Quiet, Insomnia, Sweet Dreams, Unexplained Noises).  Based on a book of the same name (by Emma Yarlett) and written for the screen by Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I’m Thinking of Ending Things), taking place during more than one timeline (one primarily), this movie is funny at times, imaginative too, reminding me a bit of Inside Out (not as good, no), much more than Elemental did (my review for that is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-bear-season-2.html); it is undeniably charming (gah!).  Too early to say, but it might end up being a contender for the best animated feature of 2024…2/2/2024

The Orphanage                                                           EH

Not to be confused with the much-better Spanish thriller of the same name.  This movie starts off as a pretty good drama with good characterization, but enters lame city once the mystery is revealed.  Adopt the aforementioned movie instead of investing any consideration at this institution!  8/21/2016

Orphan:  First Kill                                                      EH/OK

Orphan is one of those movies wherein the twist made it better.  [You’ve had 13 years to see it; plus, I don’t know why you would have an interest in this prequel (currently in theaters as well as on Paramount+), or reading this review, if you haven’t seen it].  It began like a typical evil kid flick and the twist made it much darker and twisted, especially when you watch it again with more knowledge.  I wasn’t sure how a prequel would be since we already know Esther’s secret (the “orphan” in question), and being a prequel with First Kill as part of the title, you know she’s going to make it out alive and the family here is going to perish by the end.  It’s basically prolonging the inevitable from the beginning, no?  And, if I recall, I believe they revealed what happened to her previous “family” in Orphan.  Anyway, this began very formulaic, but I’ll admit that a twist midway did take me by surprise and momentarily made me more interested (emphasis on the momentarily).  Whereas the previous film’s twist made it a better movie, it wasn’t quite the same case here.  It has its moments, very limited, but it was often predictable and uninspired, making it an unnecessary prequel.  8/22/2022

The Other Side of the Door                                         OK/G

I told myself I wasn’t going to like this movie.  I did kind of hate it in the beginning.  I thought it was going to be a typical big-budget ghost movie that came and went theatrically.  Shot and set in India starring the chick from The Walking Dead and Prison Break, this actually isn’t the worst thriller I’ve seen.  It’s actually pretty effective throughout.  There’s a ghost obviously cribbed from The Grudge with the movements down to the emanating sounds.  It’s surprisingly well-shot but still not quite good, that’s why my rating is in the middle.  It still feels empty and I highly doubt it will become a classic.  Points though for being much better than I thought it would be.  7/7/2016

Ouija:  Origin of Evil                                                  G

I had absolutely no intention to see this sequel (prequel actually) to the below average (but not as bad as everyone said it was) Ouija.  None!  At least not right away…in the theater.  Curiosity got the better of me when I read positive reviews from horror writers and fans that despised the first one (or second technically).  Turns out they were right.  Not excellent and not even best picture of the year, but I actually did enjoy this film more than Ouija.  Admittedly creepy at times, both visually and implicatively.  Writing professors say the most effective storytelling technique is to “show not tell” but there’s instances here where telling freaked me out enough to spare the showing.  (Another good example is in Jaws where Quint explains what happened in the USS Indianapolis incident---probably the creepiest part of the film)  Make sure you stay until the end of the credits or fast forward if you wait to see it on the small screen.  11/1/2016 

Ouija Shark                                                                 OK

(haiku review)

Title says it all.

Bad?  Sure.  Watchable?  Sure…ish.

It’s short.  You decide.  6/13/2021

*Currently available on Amazon Prime and Tubi*

Ouija Summoning                                                       EH

Ouija boards are certainly making a comeback.  I’m more fascinated by the boards themselves than most movies they’re featured in.  Yeah, I enjoyed the recent Ouija:  Origin of Evil enough and I like other movies where they make an appearance, like Paranormal Activity and What Lies Beneath.  I still don’t think they’ve ever truly been given cinematic justice though.  I had a free Redbox code to use by the end of the day.  This movie with Ouija in the title had to do.  The ghost is admittedly frightening but this is basically a slasher film in which we’re told who’s about to get it each time.  Lame.  Un-suspenseful.  I’m beginning to think any movie with Ouija in the title or involving them is cursed like the boards themselves.  11/12/2016

Our House                                                                  OK

A young guy is in the process of developing a device that can make electricity wireless.  A tragedy occurs one night and he’s now responsible for his two younger siblings.  He then works a regular job while still toying away at this creation.  Do you think the device has a way of inadvertently bringing about the spirits of those that passed away?  Movies and stories have always taught us that trying to bring back the dead never leads to anything good.  In the words of Judd from Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.”  Movies have also taught me that I should believe a little kid when they say they see ghosts and/or communicate with them.  Why is it always the youngest that can see them?  Why are they never scared either?  They’re always so nonchalant about it.  And why do adults (or anyone older for that matter) never believe them until it’s too late?  I feel like I’m being a bit too lenient giving this an OK rating, but I did like the representation of these young siblings trying to move on after a great loss, and sensing something horrific was likely around the corner.  It does get a bit dark towards the end, but it was too little too late and not enough to save this from being too common.  It ends effortlessly too before closing with an image suggesting the story may not be over.  Yawn.  11/24/2018

Outcast:  Season One                                                  EH

I gave this a look only because Robert Kirkman, creator of The Walking Dead comics, created the comics this show was based on.  I never read the comics for this series and now I don’t plan to either.  There’re demonic themes but it generally deals with small town drama in West Virginia.  There’s good parts dispersed in a drawn-out ten episodes wherein I kept thinking it was going to improve.  If overlong (and unnecessary) feature-length films make you restless, this is essentially a draggy ten-hour movie.  I know sometimes TV shows progressively get better, but I need to be grabbed from the onset or at least well before the first season ends.  I don’t think I’m going to give season two a shot.  7/14/2017

Outer Banks:  Season One                                          OK

New Netflix series taking place at the titular and popular North Carolina location in which there are two main types of people---the Kooks and the Pogues; the former being the “rich” ones and the latter being the “not-so-rich” ones.  The story focuses primarily on four Pogue friends amidst drugs, violence, and a treasure hunt.  There’s also a Romeo and Juliet subplot and, at one time, I was momentarily reminded of The Ring.  Before watching, I read descriptions like “coming-of-age,” “suspenseful,” and “Dawson’s Creek meets The Goonies.”  Three out of those four labels interested me.  Coming-of-age?  Yes, it was.  Suspenseful?  At times, but nowhere near enough.  The Goonies?  Sometimes, but not nearly as fun.  It felt more like Dawson’s Creek than anything (out of those aforementioned labels).  You want to know something though?  I’ve never seen an entire episode of that show, but I know shows of the type, those syrupy teen dramas (James Van Der Beek, the star, was even willing to cut up that show in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back).  Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of teen entertainment, particularly movies, but there’s lots of it I don’t care for as well, especially shows with several unnecessary seasons.  I don’t think this needed to be a series, at least not one with ten episodes ranging from 46 to 56 minutes each.  Part of me felt like I forced myself to continue at times, while a very small part of me was curious enough to keep going.  Put it this way, if they released an episode every week like the “old days (read: pre-binging days),” I likely wouldn’t have continued after the first 2 or 3 because I would’ve kept forgetting and/or lost interest.  Therefore, I didn’t care too much for it.  It was okay, but not even an iota more than okay though.  I definitely won’t tune in for any more seasons.  4/26/2020

The Outsider: Season One                                          OK

Ten-episode series available on HBO based on the novel of the same name by Stephen King involving doppelgangers and a demon called different names in different cultures.  I did read that book less than two years ago according to an Instagram/Facebook post and I do remember liking it.  This series was largely faithful to the reading material from what I recall, many scenes returning to mind as they were shown.  Is that a good thing or bad thing for this series?  In this case, I actually liked the book better and that may be because I read it before watching this (as is often the case).  Given the ten episodes were all roughly around the hour mark (give or take), many parts of this miniseries dragged.  I also didn’t feel fully engaged with the characters as much as I did in the book (one of the qualities Mr. King excels at---characterization).  I didn’t dislike this series at all, not one bit, but it wasn’t one of my favorite adaptations of his.  I also remember being more satisfied with the book’s conclusion even though I don’t recall it exactly (I’ve seen and read lots of stuff since), but I wasn’t dissatisfied with the ending here.  As I’ve said before, if you are more of a reader, read the book; if you’re more of a watcher, watch the series; and if you like to do both, like yours truly, read the book first.  I’m always going to watch anything with the King’s name attached and I’m going to watch it all the way through even if it doesn’t start out that great (Kingdom Hospital being the only time I recall stopping).  Not a fair assessment, no, since I wouldn’t give someone I wasn’t necessarily a fan of the same chance, but I’m a lifelong King fan, so what can I say?  3/21/2020

The Outwaters                                                             EH

In the beginning, we are informed that four people (2 men, 2 women) went missing and what we are about to see is footage that was found.  Yawn.  Like we haven’t seen that before almost every found footage film.  I had a little more hope for this film though given the publicity surrounding it, at least within the horror community.  Four people, as mentioned, go camping in the desert (Mojave, according to the beginning) to film music videos.  The first half of the film (it’s almost 2 hours!) is largely boring and I felt wasn’t really an intimate connection to the characters.  Like I said, all the publicity made me keep paying attention.  Halfway through it does get very bizarre and bloody, but that’s not exactly a compliment.  The majority of images we hardly get to see, being it’s night with very little light (from a flashlight, or camera light, whatever).  We hear noises and see glimpses of images, but how is that much different than reading a book or listening to an audio book if imagination is predominantly needed?  I wonder how much different I would’ve felt had it been a novel, novella, or short story (this was only written as a screenplay).  Sure, parts of this were very disorienting (which can work if done right) and disturbing, but ‘experimental’ doesn’t always mean something will work (Skinamarink didn’t work for me either; you can check out my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/02/skinamarink.html).  This ultimately didn’t work for me.  Sorry.  8/21/2023

Overboard                                                                   EH

The only part that sticks out from the Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn version was when Goldie swiftly made sandwiches for the kids, probably because I thought it was funny.  The genders are swapped for this remake.  It’s a typical “Prince and the Pauper”-type tale, only this and the original are based on revenge more than “see how the other half lives.”  I mean, who wouldn’t want to torture someone that wronged them and get away with it while they can?  There are a very few funny parts, mainly in the beginning, but it ultimately ends up being predictably icky, in the sentimental sense.  Even if you hadn’t seen the original, you can probably foresee how things are going to turn out.  Go ahead and waste almost two hours if you don’t believe me.  9/26/2018

Overlord                                                                      OK

War/horror hybrid set in Nazi-occupied France during World War II.  I know I probably mentioned this before, but war is horror, real-life horror at that.  I do like a good war movie although I’m not the biggest fan of the film genre and have no interest in the real subject (war, what indeed is it good for?), and I do like my horror movies as anyone that knows me or keeps up with my blogs should know.  Ironically, I actually liked this better when it was a war movie.  It was foreboding during that part, as any good war movie or horror movie for that matter should be.  It isn’t without its violence either, that’s for sure, but that goes for the general war and/or horror film.  In fact, this was mostly a war movie that was part Re-Animator-ish.  I actually couldn’t wait for it to be over once the horror part, or sci-fi/action part more appropriately, took on.  It’s not that I was unimpressed with the special effects; I just wasn’t really a fan of them.  I honestly don’t know how this wouldn’t have ended up a typical war film without the horror elements added, so I can’t truly say this would’ve been better as a straight war film.  I’m more of a horror fan, but liked this better when it was a war movie.  Someone that’s more of a war movie fan might not like when it veers into horror territory.  That being said, I really don’t know who would appreciate this film the most, even fans of both genres which I could sort of say I fit into with a much higher preference for horror.  2/23/2019

The Owners                                                                 OK

(haiku review)

Bloody but felt stale.

Home invasion gone awry.

End not surprising.  10/23/2020

Ozark: Season One                                                     OK

This Netflix series involving money laundering was just okay like my rating says.  Perhaps if everything was condensed into a 2-hour (I’d even forgive 2 ½ hour) film, my rating might’ve been higher.  The series begins promising suggesting darker things and it does get dark at times, but ten 1-hour (give or take) episodes naturally means there’s boring filler throughout.  I told myself that the homophobic redneck (A backwoods redneck from Missouri is homophobic?  You don’t say?) better not end up being gay.  Not every outwardly homophobic guy is gay despite ALWAYS appearing so in the media.  It doesn’t ruin anything so I will reveal that he does end up being gay, or at least bisexual (he has two biological kids) which he never actually reveals to being either.  Of course he accuses the gay man of “turning” him after being accused of criminal intent.  Why can’t people just be who they are no matter where they reside geographically?  Eradicating Old Testament-based hypocritical religions would be a step.  Kudos to Jason Bateman’s speech pertaining to his non-religious views!  Anyway, money laundering appears to be a dangerous way of life especially when dealing with businesses (professional, personal or otherwise) and some resort to violence when things don’t go their way.  Violence does erupt sporadically especially towards the end.  Ironically, the only part that made me cringe involved toenail removals.  Another thing I learned is that there’s apparently a difference between a hillbilly and a redneck and the former doesn’t take kindly at all to being called the latter.  11/21/2017

Ozark Sharks                                                               OK

I’ll always watch these “stupid” non-theatrical shark movies even if I end up hating most of them (and I usually do).  There’s just something about the “turn your brain off and enjoy the inanity” of it all, especially those shown on the SyFy channel.  In this movie, they clearly weren’t trying at all to make a presentable shark, six bull sharks to be exact, but it was occasionally hilarious at how bad it was (sharks and some characters).  Research tells me this wasn’t actually filmed in the Ozarks but in Louisiana, but the cinematography and location shots are great regardless.  I even liked a good portion of the characters, so much so that it was actually sad when one of them bit the big one (I didn’t cry or anything I’m just saying).  Funny how I liked everything about this film other than the sharks if that makes any sense.  In a movie called Ozark Sharks or any other “stupid” non-theatrical shark movie, the sharks are kind of important though, no?  It was actually clever how one shark was defeated at the end and even more clever (albeit unlucky, almost in a Final Destination kind of vibe) how one person died as a result (aforementioned death).  I didn’t dislike this as much as many other “stupid” non-theatrical shark movies if that’s saying much.  9/5/2018

P

The Pack                                                                     OK/G

Decent natural horror flick from Australia about a family in the isolated countryside besieged by a pack of wild dogs.  Points for using real dogs and no CGI.  There are some rather bloody attacks too.  I didn’t quite buy that the dogs appeared to have human qualities (i.e. stalking before attacking).  I also didn’t understand how the dogs attacked sporadically as there were several times the opportunity arose.  Oh well, it’s shades above many current (and older) “animal attack” pictures.  7/10/2016

The Package                                                               EH

Netflix film in which the title doesn’t exactly refer to a package you might think, unless you consistently have a dirty mind.  Well, I guess I just gave it away.  A group of friends go on a camping trip (the wooded location is the best part of the movie; I’d like to visit the real place) and one of the dude’s penis’ accidentally gets cut off.  Of course none of their cell phones work (after one successful call to 911) before another accident causes all the phones to disappear completely.  He’s airlifted to a hospital before the remaining friends realize the wrong cooler (one had his dismembered package on ice) was sent with him in order to perform the surgery.  Thus begins mishap after mishap as the others trek across the woods to get to the hospital in time.  Some parts may have been funny in theory, but this is generally an asinine comedy that’ll be forgotten after I revise and post this in my blog entry (the one you’re reading right now).  8/16/2018

Paddington                                                                  OK

Paddington 2 is currently being released on DVD and it came to my attention that I never saw the first one released three years ago!  I may not have had any interest, I never read the books.  I may have also thought a CGI bear in a live-action movie looked rather unappealing.  The CGI bears are very distracting at first, I would’ve much preferred them animated or practical (if integrated with live-action), but that’s something I could’ve overlooked.  The eponymous bear travels from Peru to London after a tragedy (very befitting many a Disney film) and no one thinks it’s rather odd that a bear is walking and talking?  If there were other animals acting similarly, which there weren’t, maybe I wouldn’t have found it so peculiar.  Again, that’s something I could’ve overlooked being a movie about a talking bear obsessed with marmalade.  This may have been a charming family movie sweeter than fresh cotton candy, but it’s also very derivative.  I will watch Paddington 2 eventually (why stop now?) but it can very well wait if it took me three years to watch this one!  5/1/2018

Paddington 2                                                               G

I liked it better than the first one (reviewed last blog entry).  It still contained some eye-rolling sappy moments, but it’s completely harmless and charming enough to give a slight recommendation.  It’s actually funny at times too.  I think this is enough for the Peruvian, marmalade-loving, anthropomorphic bear though.  I could care less if and when they make a third one.  5/17/2018

Paperhouse                                                                 G

I can’t believe I never saw this late 80’s film directed by the same guy that made Candyman.  This film was imaginative and thoroughly enjoyable.  There’s sappy moments but there’s also dark moments and a dash of suspense.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to escape to a world they concocted when their own world is getting to them?  11/29/2016

Paranormal Activity:  Next of Kin                               OK/G

Part 7 of this franchise, but really only an in-name sequel, available on Paramount+.  I can say I’m a fan of this franchise as simple as it may be.  Part 4 was the only one I wasn’t too crazy about; I gave it an EH/OK rating according to my archives.  Apparently this is the first film in the series I’m writing a review for; the others I just rated since I didn’t start this blog yet (the first three I was still doing star ratings and I gave the first one 3 ½ out of 4 stars, 3 out of 4 to the second one, and 3 ½ out of 4 to the third; part 5-The Marked Ones-I gave a G/VG rating, and part 6-The Ghost Dimension-I gave a G rating).  As is apparent, I liked the first and third one the best.  As of this writing, this entry only received 28% out of 40 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.  It is not that bad, not at all, considering there isn’t much to expect from a Paranormal Activity movie, and the fact there’s countless paranormal entertainment out there.  It has the same eerie setup as the other ones with that pervading sense of dread knowing anything can happen at any time, usually closer to the end, with the build-up generally always being better (nighttime scenes in homes, especially empty hallways or staircases, are always going to be effective).  This time the events occur at an Amish community in which a girl returns to in order to learn about her real family, and, as anyone that’s seen movies can deduce, and given the franchise it’s in, something is clearly not right about this community.  Granted, there are clichés (i.e. cheap jump scares and, seriously, a car still doesn’t start until it’s convenient?!), but how can there not be in a film made in 2021, and, again, with all the other paranormal shit out there?  The film does end on a dark note, like all the others in a way, and I think, for the most part, it’s a fairly worthy addition to the franchise (as far as seventh entries go and being unrelated to the others).  It was better than part 4, that’s for sure, and better than the director’s (William Eubank) previous film, Underwater.  11/26/2021  

Parasite                                                                       G

Not only was I interested in seeing this Korean film because it’s one of the nine nominated for this year’s best picture Oscar, but also that its director (Bong Joon-ho) also helmed the creature feature, The Host, which I was a big fan of (he also made Snowpiercer for those unaware).  Being that it’s a Korean film, yes, there are subtitles for those not fluent in Korean.  It’s basically about the haves and the have-nots, which could be a universal theme, and the initial premise is actually quite silly despite having a tone that’s not so silly.  A family of four, down on their luck with both parents unemployed, present themselves as unrelated when applying for jobs at a rich family’s house in which the son was introduced to via a friend.  [Makes you understand why there’re extensive background checks to get jobs these days].  Being that it was a little over 2 hours, I knew there had to be more to it than just that simple premise and more to it there is before concluding quite brutally.  I’ve seen three of the other contenders for best picture---I hated The Irishman, Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood was the first film of Quentin’s I wasn’t a fan of, and I did like Joker---and I have no interest in the others besides Jojo Rabbit and 1917.  Therefore, judging on the ones I have seen, I wouldn’t be disappointed if this or Joker took the prize even though odds don’t seem to be in either of their favor, but you never know (*cough* Crash in 2005 *cough*).  It does make me wonder though how high of a standard this movie would’ve held up to had it not been nominated and praised, like any other time I suppose, but I don’t recall the very relevant topic being presented in such a way before and I’m surprised you don’t hear about similar instances more often (especially these days).  It certainly made for an intriguing tale.  1/29/2020

The Party                                                                    OK/G

This black-and-white film with more than one familiar face resembles that of a stage production.  It involves a couple throwing a (can you guess it?) party to celebrate a job promotion until someone else reveals depressing news which leads to more revelations causing complete drama amongst the seven guests.  While it may have been interesting to see an intended pleasant gathering go to shit, it still felt like a “party” I’ve attended before cinematically, and also a real party in which I’m the ignored introvert observing everything.  It is only 71 minutes though so it doesn’t overstay its welcome one bit.  5/23/2018

The Passion of Darkly Noon                                       G

Pretty good film from 1995 about a programmed religious zealot, played by Brendan Fraser, slowly unraveling.  I particularly like certain movies in which you sense something is eventually going to transpire but unsure when, how and to whom.  Highly metaphorical.  Proceed, with patience.  4/16/2016

Patient Zero                                                                OK/G

The title sounds as generic as any other generic zombie film.  Technically it’s not a zombie movie though, just set up as one, since people are infected with rabies-like symptoms, making it conceptually similar to 28 Days Later.  They’re even dubbed “the infected.”  Real subtle!  I was also reminded a bit, just a bit, of George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead.  Those not infected live underground, periodically bringing in those that are in hopes of finding the titular infected to create a cure for the virus.  There’s a rather clever twist towards the end but the last third is also where it becomes too familiar a zombie (or infected) flick.  This apocalyptic/zombie/infected entry wasn’t too bad though (I actually cared about some of the characters); it’s likely forgettable but not exactly unnecessary.  1/5/2019

Patti Cake$                                                                 OK

I really thought this independent flick about a heavy-set white girl from Jersey being an aspiring rapper was going to be original.  Aside from the eponymous character, we’re introduced to other unconventional characters like an East Indian sidekick (another demographic unheard of in the hip-hop world) and a mostly-mute, dreadlock-coiffed black dude into playing industrial-type rock music.  It surely features original characters but ultimately drowns in conventional sentiments.  Killa P, as “Patti Cake$” is monikered, has to work shitty jobs to get by in hopes of escaping her humdrum existence.  Been there, seen that.  Her life at home with mom and Nan isn’t so peachy either.  Kinda sounds like 8 Mile with a gender/location swap, only this film is entirely fictitious.  There are rap battles and the verbal assaults would fit right into that Eminem biopic.  Do you think someone close and of old age passes away?  Do you think our heroine happens to meet her idol and he spoils her dreams by hinting she’s a white girl trying to make it in a black male-dominated industry, making her nothing but a “culture vulture?”  Do you think mom initially criticizes her daughter’s dream until eventually showing up at one of her shows?  Among other things, yes to all three.  I thought independent films were supposed to defy mainstream standards.  Seemingly the only nonconventional thing here is some of the characters themselves.  11/8/2017

The Peanuts Movie                                                      OK/G

In the beginning, I was a little thrown off by the “modern” look of the beloved Peanuts characters.  It generally gives Peanuts fans exactly what they would expect.  I felt the concurrent Snoopy story was distracting and I thought the movie ended too soon.  Am I being too heartless?  Maybe.  Ditch the Snoopy story, expand the Charlie Brown story, animate the original way and I’ll be less heartless.  I still think kiddies and Peanuts aficionados will find enough to enjoy.  Even in the movies (cartoons included), I’m quite amazed that the “blockhead” was able to read War and Peace, make detailed notes and write a 1,000 word book report over one weekend!  Charlie Brown is far from “completely hopeless” in my eyes.  4/7/2016

Pearl                                                                           OK

Prequel to X taking place in 1918, a time when the First World War was coming to an end and a pandemic occurred much like ours.  Mia Goth returns as the younger titular character living on a farm (the same farm, yes) with her parents, her father sick and needing care.  She dreams of dancing in motion pictures, but her mother says it’s a silly dream (you know the drill).  I was disappointed with X (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/05/x.html), and while this is a bit different (as I knew beforehand), it really isn’t in terms of themes, just looks (I liked this one a bit better).  It starts off as a psychological thriller, more of a character study, before becoming a slasher film.  Its Technicolor aspect reminded me of The Wizard of Oz and apparently other critics thought so too (there’s also a scarecrow here and Pearl riding her bike into town reminded me of The Wicked Witch of the West, and Dorothy too, for that matter).  It does effectively show how one can become unhinged due to isolation and feeling stuck, and I was sort of impressed with the majority of kills, but I really didn’t think this was anything special (much like its predecessor/“sequel”); it’s often predictable too.  I like these two films as ideas and Ti West (who directed both) definitely earned his stature as a horror filmmaker, and perhaps I will appreciate them more over time as I would really like too (I will watch the planned sequel for X as well), but first impressions tell me that neither one was too extraordinary.  11/10/2022

Pen15:  Season One                                                    G

Hulu series involving two girls starting 7^th grade in 2000.  I was starting my senior year in 2000, but I vividly recalled some of the stuff featured here---Instant Messenger (AIM) being the social media before Myspace, Facebook, and such; VHS still being the only way to watch movies at home; landlines being the way to vocally communicate other than face-to-face before cell phones became big.  [Speaking of 7^th grade and the title of this series…I remember being tricked by the “cool” kids, or popular more appropriately, to join the Pen15 club before realizing it spelled Penis after one of them wrote it on my hand.  I hated 7^th grade and the majority of people in my class (not just in 7^th grade either)…whatever.]  In typical visual teen entertainment, the two main characters, Anna and Maya, are much older than 7^th graders, allegedly playing versions of their younger selves (and somewhat passing as looking much younger than their actual age), but the rest of the 7^th graders looked like they were actually that age.  I felt it could’ve been more raw aside from certain instances like Maya being voted UGIS (watch and you’ll know what that stands for) or when those girls were real mean at the dance in the last episode, but this generally fun ten-episode series (all under 30 minutes) does get a lot of stuff right and was better than many a recent teen film/show without ever really feeling like it was overstaying its welcome.  2/22/2020

Peppermint                                                                  OK

A woman watches her husband and daughter get gunned down in front of her, eventually getting revenge on the men responsible (mainly those involved in a Mexican drug operation) after they get away with it.  Sounds pretty standard right?  For those that knew the plot before I just told you, what exactly do you expect if you decide to watch?  If you expect an “elaborate” revenge film like Kill Bill, you might be disappointed.  Actually, you probably will be disappointed.  We’re not provided with how this suburban mom prepared to single-handedly take out a bunch of dangerous men, but I’m sure all you smart viewers would be able to figure out what she’s been doing for five years without needing to see it.  Again, for a more elaborate revenge film, check out the aforementioned double-volume Quentin Tarantino feature.  This film may not be as bloody as Tarantino’s epic either, but it has a decent amount of violence which wholeheartedly earns its R-rating.  It takes place around Christmastime too, so we might be hearing a debate years from now about whether it’s a Christmas movie or not, much like Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie by the way), but I honestly don’t see this gaining cult status; it’ll probably be forgotten by next Christmas.  12/17/2018

The Perfect Husband                                                  OK

Initially, I thought this thriller was going the route of domestic woes.  It actually turns into a bloody good surprise.  That is until the twist ending that might’ve worked 20 years ago.  This is one of those rare occasions where the movie works before the twist.  Being a filmmaker, I would imagine you’d watch lots of movies to pick up on styles, techniques and storytelling ideas.  I’d also think you’d pick up on what to avoid, how to transcend the forefathers, and how to tweak clichés.  Apparently not if modern filmmakers are still making the same movies and thinking the same twists will be innovative.  If you decide to watch this, turn it off about 20 minutes early (after she shoots him).  It’ll be a much better movie.  3/10/2017

The Perfection                                                             OK/G

Reviews for this Netflix film were pretty cryptic in the details, so I won’t disclose too much information either, other than that it involves musical performers, paranoia, and revenge.  It begins as one type of movie before backtracking and becoming another, and there’s more than one Wild Things-ish twist which I feel lessened the film’s overall impact.  I was engrossed for a good deal and dark elements are within, but it’s another one of those films I anticipated but wasn’t as satisfied as I anticipated.  5/25/2019

Pet                                                                               OK

Creepy guy stalks hot girl.  Hot girl doesn’t want creepy guy.  Creepy guy kidnaps hot girl and locks her in a cage below the kennel he works at.  Sound familiar?  Things are slightly turned on their heads halfway through.  Luckily the twist comes early unlike some movies thinking they’ll make it better regardless of how lackluster it’s been until the end.  Since I had to trudge through the fairly standard first half, it only gets half a good rating.  There’s a particularly bloody scene that would make the adult-writing Roald Dahl proud.  1/14/2017

Peter Rabbit                                                                OK/G

Quite a surprise this was considering I wasn’t entirely enthusiastic about watching a modern take on Beatrix Potter’s furry creation.  The animals were CGI and, although apparent, weren’t necessarily out of place amongst the live-action.  In fact, the animals (particularly the hares) own the movie much more than the human characters; the deer is funny when referring to a common metaphor.  I’m not a devoted fan of the reading material with not much recollection from when I did read them, so I went into this containing minimal knowledge.  I believe it’s geared specifically towards the younger set, but there’s actually some discreet adult humor scattered here and there and I think your tolerance would solely depend on your level of open-mindedness.  It was surprisingly funny often.  The last third does enter sappy saccharine fluff territory (it is based on a children’s story after all) and the voiceover, while acknowledging clichés, comes off as parodical which never quite works in non-parodies.  I definitely lean more towards G though since the pros outweighed the cons for me (I said the same thing in the Still/Born review below; I really need to hone my writing skills).  5/5/2018

Pete’s Dragon                                                             OK/G

Well, this certainly isn’t as corny as the original from memory.  There’s no singing.  The dragon isn’t animated amongst live-action.  It is CGI and has the ability to become invisible.  I expect dragons to blow fire and cause death and destruction.  That’s why there’s movies like Reign of Fire.  This is a family movie.  The dragon does cause some damage by breathing fire at one point.  That part was cool.  The cinematography is breath-taking but ultimately this is harmless fluff for all ages.  12/12/2016

Pet Sematary                                                               EH

As much as I frown upon the notion of remakes and always bitch about them yet still watch them anyway, I’ve learned to try and give them a chance by telling myself not to hate them beforehand and not compare them to the original.  It is often very hard to do that though.  Michael Gingold said in his Rue Morgue review that this version was an improvement on the original (Seriously?  Did you even see the original?  I know you obviously did, but WTF?!).  I completely disagree with Mr. Gingold.  The original Pet Sematary will always hold a special place in my heart (the nostalgia factor).  The first half of this version was almost exactly the same as the original with different performers (aside from the obvious change in child death).  The second half attempted to change things up but was absolutely not an improvement on the original and might have worked in another movie (or if the original didn’t exist).  This version just wasn’t as dark and depressing (in the effective way) as the original.  I wasn’t convinced by the grieved performances in this version as much as the original.  Victor Pascow wasn’t as memorable this time, nor did he make as much of an appearance.  The Starcrawler version of “Pet Sematary” during the end credits wasn’t nearly as good as The Ramones version in the original (The Creepshow did a better cover of the song).  It may have been well-shot, but the best thing in this unnecessary remake was the animal masks that weren’t even featured as prominently as the trailer suggested.  Plus, I’m not going to deny that the ending was a bit dark (in a different way than the original was).  You can pick your version to like, but I’m sticking with the original 1989 version I grew up with!  7/9/2019

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines                                           EH/OK

Prequel to the 2019 remake, which I wasn’t a fan of (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/07/stranger-things-season-three.html), available on Paramount+.  If you remember a flashback in the original Pet Sematary wherein a soldier returns from the dead and wreaks havoc, that is the general basis for this film.  I actually thought this could’ve been something decent before it became a lackluster body count flick (which might’ve worked elsewhere), ultimately feeling like it was only part of a movie (technically it was, but, prequel or not, movies should be able to stand alone).  I didn’t hate it, but I doubt it will be revisited over time like the original Pet Sematary and its worthy sequel, Pet Sematary Two.  10/8/2023

Phantasm:  Ravager                                                   G

The fifth and final film for the Phantasm franchise.  Newbies will undoubtedly have no idea what they’re getting into but if you haven’t seen any of the preceding movies, I don’t see why you would care to see this.  As a standalone movie, it’s pretty good.  I was never really a huge fan of this phranchise to begin with.  I liked the first one but didn’t love it.  It felt more sci-fi than horror to me.  I did see all the sequels but can’t remember too much about them.  I don’t recall hating them but if none of them stand out, they couldn’t have been too great either.  A few flashbacks are sprinkled throughout but I still think novices will feel as confused as anyone entering the Tall Man’s dimension.  It’s suggested that the entire storyline may have all been in Reggie’s (ice cream man, main character in franchise) head.  Whether or not that’s true, I was still fascinated by the bouncing back and forth between the Tall Man’s world and perceived reality.  The iconic spherical balls cause plenty of carnage here; go out with a bang I say.  I’d be curious to hear the opinion of someone watching this before the other four.  As of current memory, I only seem to like the first and last one.  Perhaps I need to have a Phantasm marathon to refresh my memory now that all is concluded?  I met Reggie Bannister; very nice guy.  R.I.P. Angus Scrimm.  12/23/2016

Phantom Boy                                                              OK

The story’s generic as they come but the animation is astonishing.  I was awe-struck by the rendering of New York City from all angles, accomplished by Frenchmen.  The boy in question does say he doesn’t know how he can leave his body, he just can.  So can anyone else staying in the hospital apparently.  Is it something only patients in that specific hospital can do?  He never encounters anyone outside the hospital in his phantom state.  Also, if he doesn’t know how he can spectrally leave his body, how does he know he’ll disappear forever if not returning to his physical body in time?  Like all movies with similar warnings, there is a way to return from obsolescence.  How did the rescuer know how to accomplish this if they didn’t communicate with him as a phantom?  He wouldn’t have known anyway if he thought he was gonna evaporate.  Perhaps I’m being too critical and looking too much into it and should just enjoy its bittersweet simplicity?  I only notice these things when noticeable and unanswered.  Oh, if you want to know how “Picasso Face” became that way, you’re going to have to draw your own conclusion.  2/7/2017

Phantom Pups (Season One)                                      OK

(haiku review)

Corny but cute-ish.

Fine for the entire fam.

Perfect season too.  10/6/2022

*Netflix; 10 episodes*

Phantom Thread                                                         EH

What would make a movie about a guy that designs dresses particularly interesting?  That’s what I asked myself upon hearing about it and there is nothing particularly interesting about this film.  I was told there was a surprise ending, which always gets me curious, and it was nominated for some awards, so my curiosity got the better of me like usual.  It is about a guy (played by Daniel Day-Lewis) that devises and creates dresses and appeared to be “fashion porn” at first, but also revolves around a very twisted romance.  I was baffled as to why the girl he met at a restaurant decided to stay in his life after seeing how much of a pompous ass he is, and eventually agreeing to marry him.  It does all come together somewhat (back to that surprise ending) in a seriously WTF ending I didn’t expect despite failing to make the laboriously paced film any better than it was.  I got close to dozing off a couple times and kept glancing at the time every two minutes for a bit which is nary a good sign, especially for a film over two hours.  4/11/2018

Phoenix Forgotten                                                      OK

Found footage films are dead.  Alien invasion films are dead.  Found footage films involving alien invasions are dead.  Everything is technically dead.  It’s just a matter of disappearing for a time before being revived.  This found footage film involves three teenagers (two boys, one girl---hmm, similar to a certain witch movie?) that vanished in the Arizona desert following strange lights appearing in the night sky.  As usual, the government doesn’t want any information getting out.  As usual, interview subjects (here) ranging from astronomers to an Apache Indian speculate on their theories surrounding the phenomenon.  As usual, this claims to be based on a true story.  Blah, blah, blah.  Aside from all that, this particular found footage film wasn’t too bad; certainly not the worst entry I’ve seen.  It has some eerie nighttime scenes in the desert proving once again the dark is creepy in itself, and there’s really no mystery to the trio’s fate (other than where they ended up) since we’re shown everything.  If you have a free Redbox code (like I did) or it’s free on demand and you’re unsure what to watch, go for it.  9/12/2017

Pick-Up Summer                                                         G

80s teen/comedy film (1980 to be exact) from the director of the original My Bloody Valentine.  That’s how I heard about this Canadian film and wanted to see it when I read about that slasher film from the Great White North.  80s movie I haven’t seen yet sealed the deal more though.  Contains everything you would expect from a teen film:  rivalries, getting in trouble, getting laid, teens obviously played by older actors.  Arcades and pinball machines give it that 80s touch.  Apparently transgenders were acknowledged in 1980 as one character jokes about another getting a sex change (Sleepaway Camp came out three years later).  Fun.  5/25/2016

Pinocchio                                                                    OK

Live-action remake just released on Disney+.  Well, mostly live-action with a few CGI elements.  This story about the eponymous wooden puppet yearning to become a real boy has been adapted countless times, another version helmed by Guillermo del Toro arriving on Netflix later this year (which I’m actually looking forward to), so this is nothing new.  Now, the original animated film was never one of my favorite Disney movies; in fact, it’s probably one of my least favorites, at least released before the millennium.  Now, I don’t dislike it and probably liked it enough to own a copy (or that could just be my OCD in wanting to own the majority of Disney movies).  This Robert Zemeckis-helmed version happens exactly how you know it will.  Granted, I didn’t hate it like I really thought I would beforehand; I watched out of curiosity, like always.  There are some wondrous scenes to behold---i.e. the clocks in Geppetto’s workshop (played by Tom Hanks here), the puppet show, and Pleasure Island---but I don’t think the world would grieve if this adaptation never existed.  Plus, the donkey transformation scene wasn’t quite as disturbing as that of the original animated one.  9/8/2022

Point Break (1991)                                                      G

I’ve honestly never seen this before now.  Believe it or not, I haven’t seen every movie.  Apparently there was a remake not that long ago which I haven’t seen either.  Surfing does look fun.  I wanted to be a surfer for like one summer around 8^th grade.  I wish I had the skills and patience; it does look exhilarating, especially on beautiful beaches.  What I liked about this movie was that it incorporated more than just surfing.  It’s an undercover film involving bank robberies, car chases, skydiving, and relationships (both romantic and camaraderie) in addition to the wave riding.  I dug the powerful ending too.  Kathryn Bigelow, I’m a big fan of your vampire opus, Near Dark, and this film proves you’ve directed well, but I still dislike The Hurt Locker despite winning best picture.  8/27/2017

Point Break (2015)                                                      G

Well, you should know by now (if you know me) I had to see the remake since I recently saw the original (see last blog).  I really should work on my OCD.  Anyway, besides bearing a similar plot to the original, this film is rather quite different in its approach.  Surfing doesn’t look so fun in this one, it actually looks dangerous.  All the extreme sports/activities (and there’s several) presented look dangerous but some looked fun from my viewpoint.  The cinematography is superb and extremely convincing whether any or all involved green screen.  Since all the extreme situations are so well-shot, I’d feel cruel not to give this film any credit for it.  There’s no denying how breath-taking it all is.  My stomach dropped a couple times too.  That’s saying something if I watched it on a 32’ TV.  This is a movie I would actually prefer to see on the big screen, IMAX even.  9/13/2017

Polaroid                                                                      B

An old camera is used to take pictures of people.  Said people in said pictures end up dying because of a curse attached to said camera.  The concept sounds awfully derivative, but one story I was reminded of the most was Say Cheese and Die! (a Goosebumps book with an adapted television episode).  This is nothing like that R.L. Stine story though.  You’d actually be better off reading that book and watching the episode (if you haven’t already) instead of wasting any time with this unscary formulaic lamefest.  Luckily I used a free Redbox code and time was the only thing I wasted.  I suggest you don’t waste either and use a free code for a different movie.  11/19/2019

Pontypool                                                                    OK/G

This has long been on my Netflix queue but just kept getting pushed back to make room for new movies.  Was it worth the wait?  Yes and no.  Takes place 99% of the time in a radio station with about 95% of the action happening off-screen via on-air radio.  Set up as a zombie movie but not necessarily so since the people don’t rise from the dead.  Apparently speech is the theorized reason for the affected humans erratic behavior which includes slurred speech and attacking un-infected people.  If it’s intended to be a zombie movie, the approach is somewhat effective but if it’s played over the air why not just listen to the radio ourselves instead?  It starts off slow but gets intriguing and perplexing simultaneously.  Much like the incoherent “zombies,” the ending is loopy.  It kept my interest though.  8/27/2016

The Pool (2018)                                                          OK/G

This Thai film (yes, that means subtitles if you don’t understand Thai) features a man ending up in quite the predicament after working on a film shot at a (you guessed it…) pool.  This pool is 6 meters deep as we’re informed (that equals roughly 20 feet) and our protagonist is tasked with draining it after the shoot.  After falling asleep on a float, he realizes the water level got too low and he can’t climb out.  What kind of pool, especially one that deep, doesn’t have a ladder built into it?  Murphy’s Law certainly besets our dude, whether he goes down the drain or tries climbing out with whatever resources are at hand, and any kind of help always seems to come at the wrong time.  Oh, I forgot to mention that we’re informed of a loose crocodile after a flood, so that’s yet another thing our hero has to worry about after it ends up in the pool.  The crocodile did only seem to attack when it chose to and that could be because it was in an empty pool instead of a filled one which would’ve made the man more vulnerable.  The crocodile looked like it could’ve been both CGI and real at times, but it was passable for the most part and I’ve definitely seen worse (don’t be put off by the beginning like I was; that’s when it looked the fakest).  This survival flick is very plausible, but I don’t think it was able to sustain itself for 90 minutes and the ending was a bit too positive for me, predictably so.  Not a bad film though.  7/22/2020

Popstar:  Never Stop Never Stopping                         OK

I didn’t hate this movie.  Some of it was funny.  Some of it was trying too hard to be funny.  I would rather watch this mockumentary than a documentary on some real artists, like the Biebs.  9/15/2016

Porno                                                                          OK/G

No, this isn’t an actual porno, although a porn film is involved and there is nudity.  This horror film associated with Fangoria (although Rue Morgue is my favorite magazine, I’ve also been reading theirs religiously for about the past 20 years) takes place at a religious-owned movie theater (they all pray together before work) in the early Nineties (Encino Man and A League of Their Own are the only two movies playing; I remember seeing the latter in the theater).  After hours, the workers discover a boarded-up staircase leading to an underground theater where they come across a porn film (of an arty satanic variety) that unleashes a succubus after viewing (that is a female demon that seduces her victims, usually while asleep, whereas the incubus is the male version, for those unaware).  There is violence (more than once involving male genitalia in explicit detail) and there is a decent amount I enjoyed here, but it is a bit formulaic in its approach and I wasn’t entirely satisfied when it was over (at least not enough).  I did like this better than the last movie Fangoria was involved with (Satanic Panic), but here’s to hoping their next involvement is even better than this.  5/20/2020

The Possessed                                                             B

(haiku review)

A TV movie.

1977.

It’s awful.  Awful!  6/26/2023

Possessor                                                                    OK/G

Brandon Cronenberg’s daddy, David Cronenberg, is a renowned Canadian filmmaker that gave us films like Shivers, Rabid, The Brood, Scanners, The Dead Zone, The Fly, and even ones like Spider, A History of Violence, and Eastern Promises.  I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of David, but I’ve seen enough of his work and liked some of them.  Brandon gave us Antiviral before this one.  I wasn’t a fan of that film, enough for it to land on my worst films list the year it came out.  This sophomore feature from Brandon, in a nutshell, involves a company that allows you, via technology of some sort, to literally become someone else in order to assassinate a specific target.  After the task is completed, the “possessor” is able to return back to their body attached to machinery.  Naturally, things don’t go smoothly for one task and that complicates everything.  This is an intriguing film, for sure, violent too, but it might be perplexing as well for likely a large percentage of the viewing population (I read up on it afterwards and actually grasped most of what I saw), and I feel there may be more to this world than we were presented with because it didn’t seem entirely over when it ended.  That’s why I can’t fully recommend it, or at least give it a strictly G rating, because I kind of do recommend it in a sense (it’s a whole lot better than Brandon’s debut feature, that’s for sure).  I would actually welcome a sequel in order to make it possibly feel more part of a whole.  Or perhaps I just need another viewing?  I’m willing to hear any opinions (I already read enough mostly objective articles in publications).  12/17/2020

The Post                                                                      EH

Unless you were born yesterday, you should know the U.S. government is always concealing information they don’t want the general population to know about.  You should also have somewhat of an idea or at least heard of The Pentagon Papers incident during the Nixon administration and if not, Google it.  This film involved The Washington Post and how such information was uncovered until being published and the Supreme Court declaring ‘freedom of the press’ thereafter.  I never cared much about politics but I’m curious as to when the current presidential administration will undergo similar circumstances without being deemed “fake news.”  Somewhere buried underneath all the tedium in this film is a compelling story, funny mentioning story in a film about stories, but it was basically a familiar concept stretched into an unnecessary 2-hour film.  When Mr. Spielberg isn’t making big-budget epics, he’s also managed to make interesting films involving simpler topics (i.e. Catch Me If You Can; Munich; Bridge of Spies), but sadly this isn’t one of them.  4/27/2018

The Poughkeepsie Tapes                                             OK

This was released in 2007 but unavailable to rent until now.  Wonder what the hold-up was?  It’s no more harrowing than anything else released before or after.  It’s presented documentary-style with interviews and clips of the titular videos presenting murders by a man from Poughkeepsie, New York.  This is nothing more than a mockumentary slasher film that gets fairly repetitive watching grainy shots of just some of the killings.  It might’ve been more effective if we got to know this dude on a personal level.  That’s what made Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer so disturbing and simultaneously powerful.  Even in 2007, the faux-documentary and ‘based on a true story’ started becoming trite, so I don’t know why they felt releasing it to a wider audience ten years later would make much of a difference.  10/12/2017

Power Rangers                                                           OK

I recently re-watched the 1995 movie when seeing this was coming out.  I wasn’t even a fan when the series began; I thought I was too old for them but I still watched it.  I have a younger brother and, at the time, we only had one TV in the house.  There actually were people my age (around 5^th and 6^th grade) that did like the show though, and I was the unpopular one?  This new movie was better than it had any right to be.  It was better than every Transformers movie released thus far, but so were 95% of all movies released since the first one.  I haven’t watched any subsequent versions since the original series, so I went in with a clear mindset.  It began like The Breakfast Club, became a standard teen movie involving superpowers, and eventually became an actual Power Rangers movie.  The special effects may’ve been corny but were conditionally impressive considering the material.  Its biggest fault is the runtime.  This is a little over 2 hours so I lost interest midway before it regained steam towards the end.  Not likely to win any awards, but I really don’t know what you’d expect from a Power Rangers movie.  Whether you’re in it for the nostalgia, currently a fan, or watching with a younger sibling or your child(ren), you should basically know what you’re in for.  6/30/2017

Pray for Rain                                                              EH

Imagine pieces of Erin Brockovich, A Civil Action, a murder mystery, and some Gangland thrown in.  Therein lies the problem.  This movie doesn’t know what it wants to be since it doesn’t remain in one storyline for too long at a time.  The resolution is so lame it almost negates the entire film.  Pointless.  7/19/2017

Prey                                                                             EH/OK

Many movies have this title, as a search on All Movie will confirm.  One, from 2007 (directed by Darrell Roodt), also involves lions; a very underrated natural horror movie, I might add.  This one stars Ryan Phillippe and Emile Hirsch; Mena Suvari appears too.  Ryan and Mena play an American couple working somewhere in Africa before they must flee from terrorists coming after them.  They board a rickety-ass plane flown by Emile’s character along with other passengers and end up crashing due to a weight problem.  Unfortunately they crash in an area populated by wild game, namely lions.  There are other animals as well as local humans these survivors must contend with while staying in place or trying to reach a nearby village.  This was well-shot and started off really well, there being great location shots and an encroaching sense of dread, but I ended up being bored more than having fun.  The attacks, when they do actually happen (which isn’t often), all occur offscreen.  Real lions were used, but, come on, this was made in 2024, and if you can afford at least three famous faces (maybe not so much anymore, but still), you could’ve provided us with some attacks we actually see!  And the ending seemed a bit too spiritual, thus didn’t work for me.  It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen, but there are worthier lion attack movies out there; the aforementioned Prey from 2007 being one, as well as The Ghost and the Darkness, and even Beast (my review for that is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/10/beastdahmerhellraiser.html).  4/11/2024

Prevenge                                                                     EH

I know film criticism is subjective, but sometimes I wonder if I saw the same movie as critics and/or people.  This film is one of those instances; it received 91% out of 85 critics on Rotten Tomatoes and I’ve heard it praised within the horror community.  This movie was fucking asinine!  Not only is it formulaic AF, but its tonally inconsistent, being a movie that is much more whimsical in nature when it could’ve been deadly serious, and not in a fun way like Serial Mom.  It is meant to be a black comedy, yes, but it still didn’t work for me.  In it, a pregnant woman kills people that her unborn baby directs her to.  Yes, her unborn baby talks to her.  It’s all apparently a result of an accident that took the life of the unborn baby’s daddy.  This movie was stuuuuuuuuuuuuupid.  I’m just amazed 91% of those critics (77 out of 85?!) on Rotten Tomatoes didn’t hate it instead.  Seriously, did we see the same movie?  8/16/2020

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies                               OK

I really liked the book.  The movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean I think it should’ve leaped from page to screen.  There are some worthy moments.  The paper scenes in the beginning depicting historical events leading to the present time were truly magnificent.  While some violence is implied, there are some rather bloody scenes for a PG-13 film.  My biggest beef is that the zombies talk and live like humans.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily hate talking zombies (I’m a fan of the Return of the Living Dead series with Return of the Living Dead Part II being the first zombie movie I saw) but they’re the most effective when brainless shambling mutes.  Plus, they didn’t talk in the book (I hate to compare but that’s what I expected)!  To sum it up, the Pride and Prejudice parts were boring and the Zombies part was, more or less, fun.  I think you should just read the book.  6/4/2016

The Princess Switch                                                    EH

I was in when I saw this was a new Christmas movie on Netflix and also a “body switch” movie á la Freaky Friday and The Hot Chick, or so I thought.  It’s a “switch lives” film instead, being that a Duchess and Chicago baker happen to look exactly alike (both played by Vanessa Hudgens) and may even be related.  The baker travels from Chicago to some town where she plans to be in a baking competition with her best friend (who happens to be male).  The Duchess would like to ingratiate herself amongst the townspeople before becoming a Princess (thus, why wasn’t it called The Duchess Switch?) and running into her “twin” gives her the idea to trade places for just two days.  Of course things are awkward for both while trying to fill each other’s shoes and I’m sure you can guess who ends up falling in love with who, but the people that watch these “feel-good” fluffy types of movies (little girls, their moms, moms in general, and the men that may like these films too) expect nothing less.  Everyone claps too (a particular cliché I really detest), even enemies, after they argue publicly when the truth comes out and eventually make up (don’t accuse me of spoilers because you fans of these movies are going to watch it anyway, if you haven’t already).  If it wasn’t a Netflix film, I could’ve sworn it was a Lifetime holiday movie or a Disney Channel Princess movie (Vanessa Hudgens herself is a Disney Channel alumni after all).  I actually wanted to stop watching fairly early on but I wasn’t giving up since I already started (my OCD certainly never helps in these situations), and since I sat through all of it, I made some use of my wasted time by bashing it in this review.  I like to think I’m an open-minded critic, but my subjective mindset overcame my objective one even when I tried putting myself in the mindset of those that love these types of films.  12/5/2018

The Prodigy                                                                G

There’s something fun about evil kid movies.  This is merely set up as an evil kid movie though, much like Orphan (you’ve had ten years to see that so I think it’s safe for me to say it technically wasn’t an evil kid movie), although it wasn’t quite like Orphan or other evil kid movies like The Good Son and The Omen despite reminding me of them.  Unless you were born yesterday or haven’t seen too many movies, you should be able to figure out the connection in the beginning when a guy is shot down and a baby is born at the same time.  Luckily this movie doesn’t beat around the bush or wait until the last quarter to reveal what we already know and that it deals with reincarnation, thereby making it appear as an evil kid movie simply because a deceased murderer now inhabits the body of a young boy.  Somehow the merging of those two concepts works and the film generally manages to be mildly entertaining; I said mildly!  It’s a simple story really, made all the more tolerable (or at least simply tolerable) if you keep your expectations low.  All I expected going in was just another evil kid movie and what can you really expect from that?  2/10/2019

Profile                                                                         OK

Has the “first-person POV entirely on a computer screen” film become a subgenre yet?  Searching and Unfriended (and its sequel) are the only ones that come to mind, so I don’t think there are quite enough yet (you can read my review for Searching here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/09/mooby-reviews-92118.html and Unfriended:  Dark Web here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-102818.html; I wasn’t writing these blog entries when Unfriended was released, but my archives indicate I gave it an OK/G rating).  This title can be added to the list as it follows a female journalist from the U.K. pretending to be a Muslim convert in order to track down ISIS members, all shown via a computer screen.  I don’t know how watching a computer screen for an entire film can manage to work; it certainly worked for Searching and Unfriended was decent (the sequel, not as much), and this was undeniably engaging for a decent amount of time (a little over 100-minutes too).  However, the payoff was totally anticlimactic (as well as unsurprising in the least), even though this was based on a true story (hell, what isn’t these days?), but true stories are often (and can be) twisted to a degree in entertainment, no?  8/13/2021

PG:  Psycho Goreman                                                OK

The modern “kiddie horror flick” that isn’t really for kids that I read so much about.  In it, a brother and sister (both young, pre-teen young) unearth a creature in their backyard, eventually dubbed Psycho Goreman, PG for short.  PG is an evil being intent on destroying all walks of life, but is kept in check by a pink gem obtained by the little girl upon digging him up.  There is most certainly an Eighties/early Nineties vibe, its creature designs very much resembling some of the silly creations from that era; hell, I could almost label this an R-rated Power Rangers film.  It’s not rated, but there is gore, cartoonish, sure, but there is gore, a whole lot of it.  I kind of had a love/hate relationship with this film.  I had a bit of fun with it, there being a certain charm to it, and I know I wasn’t supposed to take it seriously at all, which I didn’t to a point, but it was a tad “too kiddish” for me and I am very young at heart (I’m almost 40 and I still read Goosebumps and watch movies aimed at kids---I’m not sure if Disney movies count in that category either).  Perhaps I wasn’t too impressed with the creature designs, and I really wasn’t, and perhaps if I was actually a kid I might’ve enjoyed it more and looked back at it nostalgically (I think those that are the same age as the young protagonists would enjoy this the most, if they’re even allowed to watch it).  Like I implied, part of me enjoyed this and it certainly has its (adult) fans, currently 90% of 61 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, but I’m not sure if I can truly say I’m one of them…at least not yet.  3/17/2021

Psychopaths                                                                OK/G

This simple movie involving an executed murderer purportedly manifesting within several psychopaths over the course of the same night is quite nasty and I expected nothing less.  It’s also too short and underdeveloped, which is a shame because it’s so well-made.  1/11/2018

Puerto Ricans in Paris                                                EH

A title like this suggests parody.  If not parody, definitely not something to be taken seriously.  The title says it all, but I didn’t think it was too funny.  Take away the Puerto Ricans and call it Dominicans in Paris, Cubans in Paris, Cherokee Indians in Paris, Koreans in Paris, you get the idea, and it would be the same movie.  Perhaps if Rosie Perez (who plays the wife of one of the police officers sent to the titular city to retrieve a handbag) tagged along it might’ve been funnier and more distinctive since she’s known for being stereotypically Boricua.  8/6/2016

Pumpkinhead:  Ashes to Ashes                                   EH

Pumpkinhead 4:  Blood Feud                                     OK/G

I realized I never saw all the Pumpkinhead sequels after reading about them in the latest issue of Rue Morgue magazine.  Writer John Bowen panned them to no end, but curiosity got the better of me (like always) and my OCD would never allow me to not finish out a franchise, especially if I was a fan of at least the first one.  Now, I am a fan of Pumpkinhead, but I’m not madly in love with it.  The titular creature doesn’t resemble a pumpkin at all, more of an alien with sharp teeth; it only bears the name due to coming from a pumpkin patch.  The first sequel, Pumpkinhead II:  Blood Wings, wasn’t bad either; I remember it being gorier than its predecessor but more of a remake.  As for these two other sequels released in 2006 and 2007 as TV movies?  The third one, Ashes to Ashes, appeared to be a direct sequel to the first one and was the worst entry in the franchise.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over before the halfway mark!  Not even Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley, could save it.  Above all, the creature was CGI at times!  You don’t use CGI for a creature that was originally practical!  Blood Feud, on the other hand, involving the infamous warring Hatfield and McCoy clans actually wasn’t too bad for a fourquel.  It still contained the same staples as the rest of the films---someone dies, their surviving loved one goes to a backwoods witch demanding vengeance, that vengeance carried out by Pumpkinhead, eventually the one seeking vengeance regrets summoning Pumpkinhead, there’s only one way to stop the curse---but I enjoyed this one a lot better than its predecessor, that’s for damn sure!  Overall, Pumpkinhead isn’t my favorite franchise, but it’s not the worst one out there.  Skip part three if you plan on having a marathon (even if you have OCD like me, trust me).  5/29/2020

Punk’s Dead:  SLC Punk 2                                         OK

I enjoyed SLC Punk for the most part, it being a frenzied, fourth wall breaking, post-collegiate rebellion film set in 1985.  This sequel, released 18 years later and set in 2005, has the same director and a large portion of the original cast so it almost feels legitimate.  Technically, you don’t have to see the first before this since previous characters are re-introduced, but it might be better if you did.  Plus, like always, why would you care to see SLC Punk 2 if you didn’t see SLC Punk 1?  Fans of SLC Punk will be curious to check out the follow-up, and it won’t hurt to do so nor take up much time (it’s barely over an hour if you exclude the end credits), but expectations should be kept even lower than the fact it’s a sequel released 18 years later.  A different character from the first breaks the fourth wall this time while focusing on his son and his two friends taking a road trip to a punk concert in Salt Lake City.  Whereas the first felt like it was part of a larger story, this one felt even smaller in that larger story.  While the passage of real time fits in seamlessly with the storyline time (much like Dumb and Dumber To and the recent revival of Roseanne), I hate to say it still felt like an unnecessary continuation.  I also can’t believe the two biggest stars of the first (Matthew Lillard and Jason Segel---who wasn’t big at the time) didn’t make a cameo here.  5/22/2018

Puppet Master:  The Littlest Reich                              OK

This is the 12^th entry in the Puppet Master series not counting any spinoffs (yeah, you read that right---12^th!!!!).  The fifth one was even called The Final Chapter.  What is it with franchises, especially of the horror variety, labeling a sequel as final but not keeping their word?  Prequels count as sequels in a way too.  I’ve seen at least the first nine (I own a collection containing the first nine, that’s how I know) and think the second one is my favorite.  It’s not even close to being my favorite franchise.  I don’t dislike the movies, but I can live with or without them.  You don’t even have to be too familiar with the franchise to watch this one, but, like always, why would you care to see a 12^th Puppet Master movie if you’ve never seen a single preceding one?  Here, a recently divorced guy goes to a convention with his new girlfriend and nerdy employer where a bunch of Toulon’s creations are hoped to be sold in commemoration of his 30^th anniversary killing spree (Toulon is the evil creator of the murderous dolls for those that don’t know).  If you’re familiar with the franchise at all, you can probably guess what eventually happens.  The puppets, most of them (some new to the series), are pretty rad; I might even like some of the updated ones better than the originals.  This film is basically a showcase for the puppets to cause bloody mayhem.  The film is bloody, there’s no doubt about that, some of it nauseating too, but much of it is a bit too over-the-top.  There is another one planned based on the ending (why stop at 12, right?), so evidently this entry was intended as only part of something bigger (felt like it too).  10/3/2018

The Purge:  Election Year                                           G

Third time is supposed to be a charm right?  Blah, blah, blah.  I enjoyed the first Purge film but felt something was missing.  The second film added that missing element.  Here, the third time, it kept that missing element and stayed put.  You would think after two films, they would’ve went all out this time.  Usually sequels are meant to outdo the preceding entries or fail at attempting.  While I did enjoy this threequel and blood was surely shed, it loses steam midway and skimps out on the gore throughout.  I wanted more of the red stuff!  Perfect timing for the current Election Year.  There’s endless ways to make one of these movies.  Make it leaner and bloodier next time!  10/30/2016

Pyewacket                                                                   OK/G

Usually, at least in the movies, it never leads to anything good when you perform a dark ritual.  Such is the case here when a gothic teenager summons the titular demon to kill her mother after a serious argument.  Not much happens but you know something eventually will and I thought that’s what made it effective and kept my attention throughout.  I didn’t feel like it was over when it ended though, not exactly in the Gone Girl way either, so I can’t rightfully give it a strictly G rating, even though I lean much closer to G.  I am a fan of the director’s other much different film, Backcountry, and was mostly a fan of this, so I am interested in what he (Adam MacDonald) puts out next.  7/9/2019

Q

A Quiet Passion                                                          B

Poetry was never one of my favorite forms of writing.  It was always too complex for me and I didn’t have enough patience to appreciate it.  Emily Dickinson is one I was slightly interested in because she’s known for having penned dark material.  Even she was too complicated for me, but I was interested in knowing more about her which is why I bothered with this biopic in the first place.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see how this differentiated from any other period piece about a woman suffering.  This movie was very, very boring and a complete waste of time in my mind.  Perhaps I’m not the one to ask though.  It currently has a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes based on 131 critics.  A more intellectual and patient critic will likely give a more positive analysis for those seeking it.  On a personal level, I don’t care for Cynthia Nixon.  She was in relationships with men her entire life and then one day she just “fell in love” with a woman (that looks like a man).  Sorry Cynthia, you’re not in love with her, you just like her as a friend.  You don’t know the struggle of being gay (or admitted bisexual even) so you do not deserve to be part of the LGB community.  I usually don’t let personal bias dictate my critiques and I’m not doing it here either, this movie sucked regardless.  7/12/2017

A Quiet Place                                                              OK

The creatures are what ruined this film for me in what could’ve been a creepy gem of a post-apocalyptic creature feature.  They may have been deadly as fuck but they resembled a twisted amalgamation of Venom (Marvel character) and the Demogorgon from Stranger Things.  Wasn’t that impressive to me; them being CGI could’ve been part of it.  The movie reminded me of Signs stylistically, which is another example of an effectively eerie film ruined by crappy creature effects.  It would be a rather dangerous world to be part of though, always being cautious of making noise (walking barefoot everywhere becomes the norm).  Oh, they hunt by sound.  Unlike Tremors, where they hunted by vibrations making you safe off the ground, there’s technically no safe place from these creatures if you make any sound (could be as little as dropping something).  Smaller sounds are muted if there’s a louder sound nearby which made me wonder why they weren’t always hanging around the flowing river.  It doesn’t happen in the movie, but basically burps and farts would always need to be muffled or held in?  What about going to the bathroom?  Since you can’t flush, all the waste has to go somewhere.  That adjustment was never explained.  I don’t know why they planned on bringing a baby into the unsafe world either (2021 based on a gravesite), although they do concoct a clever way to quiet it however cruel it may be in other circumstances.  The creature’s weakness when revealed comes off as completely lame.  I didn’t hate this film, I just have too many complaints to praise it.  As of this writing, it contains a 97 % rating out of 185 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, therefore making it the most overrated film of 2018 for me thus far.  4/7/2018

A Quiet Place Part II                                                  OK

I wasn’t too excited about this sequel, not just because it was a sequel, but because I wasn’t too crazy about its overrated predecessor (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/04/mooby-reviews-4818.html).  The first film wasn’t that bad, I just wasn’t a fan of the creature designs, which can totally make or break a creature feature, the first film being a good example of crappy effects ruining an otherwise decent movie.  Maybe if their heads didn’t expand they wouldn’t be too bad…I don’t know, that’s just me.  This sequel picks up where the first one ended right after a flashback scene to when the end of the world began.  It’s more or less the same film with more characters added and the creatures not making as much of an appearance…I think.  That can either be a good thing (for me) since I’m not a fan of the creature design (they are the same here, obviously; why wouldn’t they be?), or a bad thing if creatures are more absent in a creature feature.  I did like this one a teeny bit better, possibly because there weren’t as many creatures present, or perhaps because I knew what to expect of their appearance and wasn’t disappointed like I was the first round.  This film has its moments, but some other complaints I have are that it’s often predictable and it ended too soon, feeling incomplete.  That could either mean I did enjoy it more than I thought since it ended too quick (it was roughly 90-minutes), or there’s a third one planned and this was just a segue.  I’m not the biggest fan of this franchise so far (predominantly because of those creatures), but curiosity will get the better of me, like it did here, if they make a threequel, and perhaps that entry will be the best one.  I’m not expecting a damn thing…8/10/2021

R

Race with the Devil                                                     OK

Here’s a “Satanic movie” from the ‘70’s I never got around to watching but always wanted to.  There’s something special, or distinctive more likely, about movies (horror or not) from that decade and this film is no different.  Why it’s labeled a Satanic movie though (aside from the title and involvement of a Satanic cult) is beyond me since it’s more akin to Mad Max than Rosemary’s Baby (focusing more on the Race of the title).  Two couples (one of the men played by Peter Fonda) on a road trip in a motor home stop at a park where a nearby ritual happens to be taking place and a chase initiates after the cult members spot them.  The car chase sequences are choreographed better than any modern scene could ever rival, fitting perfectly with the ‘70’s aesthetic, and the final scene is very ominous since it effectively utilizes the Satanic theme.  Better enjoyed as a product of the ‘70’s lest you might be disappointed if expecting a strictly Satanic horror film.  4/23/2018

Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators                                    EH/OK

Syfy Channel movie?  That title?  I had to!  I have heard of this film before, but just got around to finally watching it.  It’s also known as Alligator Alley, but that’s obviously not as attention-grabbing.  It takes place in Louisiana (where else with that title?) and gators mutate after tainted moonshine is dumped into the swamps.  [POTENTIAL SPOILERS]  Not only do these mutated gators obtain the ability to shoot spikes from their tails, but also to turn people into gators after biting them or through another means.  Never seen that concept done before!  What the hell was the chemical put in that moonshine?  Is this movie bad?  Obviously, what did you expect?  My expectations were low beforehand.  Is it fun?  Eh, kind of, but not really.  I give it points for a novel concept (hence the partial OK rating), but not as many points for being an unworthy natural horror film (yes, even though my expectations were lower than low, I still hope to enjoy a movie more than not, or at least equally love/hate it).  There is a brief nod to Jaws, but there’s also a reference to Twilight, which, believe it or not, this movie has more in common with!  CGI is used, obvious CGI at that (meaning unworthy, hence the film being unworthy); maybe if CGI looked more realistic I wouldn’t have a problem with it.  I had to check it out, like I said, as I do most of these films (especially on the Syfy Channel), even if I know beforehand there’s a high possibility they won’t be worth it.  I can’t help it.  Whether you want to see for yourself if this is worth watching…hey, that’s entirely up to you…8/23/2021

The Rain:  Season One                                               G

Yet another post-apocalyptic story.  This time by way of an 8-episode Netflix series from Denmark (yes, you will have to adjust the settings before each episode if you’re annoyed by poor dubbing like me).  Here, the rain is what causes the end of the world; it’s briefly hinted how at the end of the last episode.  Anyone touched by the rain at the onset is struck with a contagious virus.  There be no zombies here though.  Those left alive naturally have to be cautious of other survivors and the one commodity fought over and searched for is food.  Much of this is predictable.  Much of this, if not all, is nothing new.  What makes one similar story different from another?  Or better from another?  I really am never quite sure why I like certain movies or TV shows over similar ones.  Perhaps the characters?  The location?  A different concept added?  This Danish series is far from great but I did enjoy enough of it to say give it a shot; I wanted to continue after each episode which is always a plus since I never felt like I forced myself to watch it.  If they continue, and there’s a very high chance they will based on the ending, I hope they don’t make the same mistake The Walking Dead did by far outstaying its welcome.  5/12/2018

Ralph Breaks the Internet                                            G

I am a fan of Wreck-It Ralph.  Aside from my love for Disney movies, I thought it was very imaginative and fun.  It was very creative in showing us a world behind the scenes of arcade games (something almost obsolete).  I felt the same way when I recently rewatched it in preparation for this sequel, which is pretty much the same concept behind the scenes of the internet with a primary focus again on the characters of Ralph and Glitch.  I was kind of reminded of The Emoji Movie (which really isn’t as bad as many made it out to be), but for those that disliked The Emoji Movie but were a fan of Wreck-It Ralph, this is the “behind the scenes of the internet” movie for you.  Like the first, this one is imaginative and fun, for both the young and old (although some of the modern digital references might go over the heads of the unhip older crowd).  It does get a bit sentimental, but not in the sappy Hollywood fluff kind of way, but more in the true-to-life way both kids and adults can, or might one day, relate to.  Is it as good as the first?  Hard to say, but it’s definitely a worthy follow-up, hence a good companion piece.  3/5/2019

Rampage                                                                     G

It starts off with a rather feeble Alien homage featuring a giant rat before becoming a fun popcorn flick the way brainless, big-budget action movies are supposed to be.  It takes a bit to get started with some occasional inactivity here and there, but I’ll have to say I was quite impressed with the special effects and action sequences even if they looked a tad extravagant.  Basically, an experiment intended to make specimens grow and become more aggressive lands in the territories of an albino gorilla, wolf, and crocodile.  Even if you didn’t see the previews or play the video game from the ‘80’s which it’s based (I have not), you can probably guess what happens to all three.  Apparently it causes them to mutate as well (at least 2 of the 3).  There actually is a plot if you can call it that, but I’m pretty sure anyone planning on watching this care more about the giant creature mayhem.  Granted, this is no masterpiece and I could probably list some cons if I really wanted to (i.e. how did they know the gorilla would eat the lady when it showed no evidence of doing it before?), but I’m recommending it since it was better than I thought it was going to be and better than it had any right to be.  7/23/2018

The Ranger                                                                 OK

A group of punks, punk rockers at that, commit a crime and need a place to stay, so off to one of their uncle’s cabins in the mountains they go.  There are several things to remind us we’re in slasherville (aside from members being offed of course):  ‘Missing’ signs covering an entire board at the convenience store; they have to park the van and walk about a mile to the rundown cabin (no one has been there since the girl’s uncle died when she was little); people separate instead of sticking together; the fact they’re isolated in the woods to begin with!  The ranger in question is kind of a whimsical psycho acting on the basis of being a little too “one with nature” and taking his job way too seriously.  As time goes by, you learn he may be even more messed up than you think.  This actually wasn’t a bad entry in the subgenre, not great by any means either; I’d suggest Green Room or even The Return of the Living Dead for a better movie involving punks ending up in shitty situations.  11/21/2018

Ratched:  Season One                                                 G

I have a confession to make:  I didn’t see One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest until like five years ago and I’m amazed I hadn’t seen it before that considering how often it’s referenced in pop culture and that it’s considered a “classic.”  There’re probably many movies I haven’t seen though that would amaze myself as well as others for not having done so.  Anyway, the head nurse from that film, and probably the book of the same name by Ken Kesey (which I haven’t read, but might one day), gets her own Netflix series here and you absolutely do not need to watch that film (if you haven’t already) before watching this series; I re-watched it beforehand just in case there were references and there are none that I recall; other than the eponymous nurse, there really is no connection between the two mediums.  This 8-episode series, ranging from 46 to 62-minutes each, does take place in the Forties in California, whereas the film takes place in the Sixties in Oregon (released in 1975), so being this is a prequel (made over 40 years later, no less), there really didn’t need to be any correlation.  Being that Ryan Murphy’s name was attached (he “developed” this, was one of many executive producers, and directed the first two episodes), there was definitely an American Horror Story vibe, there being at least two recognizable faces from that series, one being Sarah Paulson as the titular nurse, the other being Finn Wittrock.  This isn’t a horror series per se though, more of the psychological thriller variety, but like that aforementioned series, it is dark and bloody at times and there are several “colorful” characters we get to meet before eventually learning most aren’t who they initially appeared to be.  I can’t deny how interested I was in this series I was initially reluctant to invest in, enough to want to continue without feeling forced; the characters and presentation certainly aided.  A second season is planned (according to Wikipedia), and it makes sense considering this season didn’t exactly conclude, and I’ll just hope for the best (or at least acceptable) in letting the creators make another effective 8-episode season that doesn’t overstay its welcome.  10/3/2020

Rattlesnake                                                                  OK

It might not be a good idea taking a detour due to traffic lest you end up in a Texas desert with a flat tire.  Especially if you have a young child that wanders off into said desert while you’re fixing said flat tire.  Especially in a movie called Rattlesnake, because they’ll likely come across the titular reptile and get bitten.  That all happens in just the beginning of this “sell your soul to the devil” Netflix film.  Many people, if not all, say they’ll do anything for their children, even kill.  Many just say the kill part hypothetically, never expecting (or hoping) to actually be in the situation like the mother in this film that’s informed she must take a life (within a certain time) in order to save her daughter.  She comes across ghosts that were in the same situation in the same region, so she knows this is what she must very much do.  Who should she kill though?  A dying patient?  An abusive husband?  This thriller was just okay (as my rating implicates) since I felt I’ve seen these stories several times before and it didn’t get as dark as it could have.  10/29/2019

The Ravenous                                                              OK

New zombie film from Netflix.  Yes, yet another zombie film.  The zombies here are more like the infected from 28 Days Later in that they’re fast and only appear undead.  There’s no origin given but I don’t think seasoned viewers care too much anymore since there’s only so many ways an epidemic can occur (virus, experiment gone bad, chemical spill, something in the air, etc.).  The location is Canada, the French part, so that means there’re subtitles for those not fluent in French.  It’s not quite like the aforementioned Danny Boyle film, but I’ve noticed similarities to The Road and The Walking Dead amongst others.  In other words, it wasn’t very original, but what is anymore?  Every genre and subgenre is always going to contain films compared to others with a few distinguishing exceptions here and there.  Many films have been made in just a little over a century (since the birth of cinema), so there’s not too many ways to make original films anymore.  Some will be better than others while some will be worse.  It strictly comes down to how much you enjoyed watching the particular movie during that time.  A buddy of mine said there’s a joy in watching movies for the first time which is exactly why I keep watching new movies.  I didn’t hate this movie nor do I think I’ll ever watch it again.  I would say watch it only if looking for something new and there’s nothing else to choose from, but I think I’d rather tell you to watch better zombie movies like those from George Romero or The Return of the Living Dead(s), or even the aforementioned 28 Days Later and its sequel, 28 Weeks Later; or check out my “Ten Favorite Zombie Films” list on my other blog, Ten Best Lists, for other suggestions, or just ask me.  8/19/2018

Raw                                                                             G

A French/Belgian production that’s probably one of the more grisly coming-of-age stories.  The concluded message is that cannibalism could be genetic.  I don’t think that’s entirely true but, then again, I’m not a cannibal and don’t know any.  If I do unknowingly know any, I hope I’m not their intended meal.  The main girl with the affliction was forced to be a vegetarian her whole life, but her repressed desires surface after eating rabbit kidney as part of a hazing ritual while attending veterinary school.  This leads to eating meaty sandwiches, raw chicken and eventually human flesh when the opportunity presents itself.  There were reports of fainting during premieres.  Those weak-stomached people clearly aren’t desensitized enough.  This film is rather tame compared to other anthropophagist entries.  The only stomach-churning part involves our (anti)heroine enjoying a certain “finger food” for the first time, but not enough to appall anyone that saw their fair share of gory films (cannibal or otherwise).  It’s always more fascinating when dark subject matter is interposed amongst mundane settings.  The (almost) 100 minutes moves quite briskly for being presented as an arty film and the final scene is undeniably haunting.  6/1/2017

Raya and the Last Dragon                                          G

(haiku review)

Decent Disney flick.

Captivating to behold.

More for the youngsters.  5/24/2021

Ready or Not                                                               G

…here I come, you can’t hide.  Gonna fiiiiiiiiind you and take it slowly…Sorry, had to get that Fugees song out of me as I instinctively sing a song internally or externally whenever its title and/or words are mentioned.  The title is in reference to the first words uttered while playing the traditional game of hide and seek, which the newly wedded bride in this film is forced to play as an initiation into her new rich family.  Tradition dictates the new in-law must compete from midnight to dawn on their wedding night in a game they (the new in-law) pick after inserting a card into a box.  The bride soon realizes she needs to survive this game until dawn.  Yes, her new family must kill her by dawn or something will supposedly happen to all of them.  What a lovely family to move into, no?  I don’t think I’m giving too much away since much of that was in the previews and can probably be read in any synopsis.  It could’ve been much goofier given the premise and although there are bits of comic relief, this is generally serious in tone and a bit darker than you’d expect.  There’s also a modicum of suspense and I don’t remember ever really being bored; it’s violent too when it wants to be.  I won’t reveal whether the bride loses or if something actually does befall the family if she doesn’t, but let’s just say I wasn’t exactly disappointed with the outcome.  It’s not great (it’s rare for films these days to be anyway) and probably not altogether fresh (also rare anymore), but I’m recommending it.  12/5/2019

Ready Player One                                                       G

In the year 2045, well it was developed in 2025 but the film takes place in 2045, people can become avatars in a virtual reality world called The Oasis.  It sounds like a pretty sweet gig if this film is any indication for how the future might be.  Who wouldn’t want to be someone else (anybody or anything) and travel anywhere they want without leaving home?  Coin amounts determine how much you can alter who and where you are and your avatar can die in the game but you won’t die in reality.  This is the latest creation from Mr. Steven Spielberg (based on a book of the same name), full of popular ‘80’s tunes and a smorgasbord of pop culture references.  One doesn’t necessarily need a total awareness of pop culture (particular from the ‘80’s) to enjoy, but it might make it more fun and/or cue nostalgia.  There’s a worthy re-creation of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, plus Chucky appears elsewhere!  One need not be a gamer, now or ever, to enjoy either.  If anything, this might make people want to seek out the movies or games mentioned they’ve never seen or played before.  It is a bit long at 140 minutes and the special effects are a tad superfluous at times, but I think it’s a fairly worthy addition to Spielberg’s filmography.  7/24/2018

Realive                                                                                    EH/OK

After being presented with a rather graphic childbirth, we’re given a futuristic Frankenstein-ian tale involving cryogenics and immortality.  Immortality may sound nice to some people, but this film (and others) proves it could be just as much a curse.  There’s a sappy love story underneath it all which establishes the depressing notion of being revived.  People always seem to enjoy life better when they know they’re dying (even though we’re all dying from birth).  That’s what happens to the man in this story---he develops an incurable cancer around the present time and hopes to be revived after going into a cryogenic state.  He’s resurrected in 2084 (we learn he’s the first successful one) but has to rely on a machine to keep him alive, therefore never being independent.  There’re ways this could’ve been more effective.  Limiting him to the medical facility feels microcosmic and denotes lazy writing (in my opinion) despite being an intelligent film.  Even though the doctors state the future isn’t much different than our current time, I think it would’ve been better if seeing him enter the future world for at least half the time.  The overall message might be that memories are all that keep us alive yet also affirming how truly depressing life can be.  12/2/2017

Rebel in the Rye                                                          OK/G

The Catcher in the Rye was one of the few books I was forced to read in high school that I remember somewhat liking.  This biopic focuses on the author, J.D. Salinger, played by Nicholas Hoult.  I’d think a biopic would entail the majority of a person’s life from a really young age to their death (if they died), but sometimes too much info could be unnecessary filler.  Some of this does feel like filler despite focusing on a certain segment of his life, but I found much of it intriguing considering I knew very little about him before.  The film begins with Jerome (it’s what the J stands for) about to begin college for writing and moves through to his choosing a life of seclusion while writing without being published (until his death).  That’s a true writer, writing without getting paid for it and/or not having it read.  (That’s kind of what these reviews of mine are---I’m not getting paid although I wish I did).  Naturally, the film isn’t without its clichés.  People like his father try crushing his dreams by informing him he won’t make an honest living as a writer.  J.D. gets innumerous rejection letters before his first story is published.  I know it depicts how hard it is in the real world and artists should be prepared for and expect rejection, but it’s a story I’ve already heard many times about beginning authors.  It’s still not a bad biopic about an author with a writing mentality that might’ve been ahead of his time.  2/24/2018

The Recall                                                                   OK

A group of friends travel to a cabin in the woods until….aliens arrive.  The alien design is actually pretty cool too.  Head only, that is.  Neck down, not so much.  It’s a shame too because they were practical (a rarity these days).  Their bodies were almost anatomical and kinda gross too.  The storyline is actually satisfactory and this isn’t the worst alien invasion film I’ve seen, but I have an equal amount of criticisms and praises for both the story and visuals (not just the aliens either) so I can’t fully recommend it.  This all probably looked great on paper.  1/25/2018

Recovery                                                                     EH

This film isn’t fresh one bit.  Only the turning point or plotline would’ve differed 20 years ago.  There’d be no movie if the girl didn’t need to retrieve her phone (there’d be a different reason before the Millennium) at the house of psychos.  In the beginning, the father mentions to his son that God forgives white lies.  Right, white lies are still lies and I’m guessing God would overlook killing (Thou Shall Not Kill?) and kidnapping girls to date his son?  This movie could’ve been much darker and some of the characters are almost likeable, but this ultimately feels trivial.  I was reminded of a much better film from Australia called The Loved Ones.  Check that out, skip this.  3/10/2017

Red Christmas                                                             G

Here’s an axe-mas horror movie with a clunky start that culminates in quite a deadly night!  A family on Christmas bickers, as we’ve come to expect from holiday films regardless of genre, before a cloaked and bandaged figure comes-a-knockin’ claiming to be the son of the matriarch played by Dee Wallace (E.T., Cujo, The Howling, The Frighteners, etc.---I met her, nice lady).  It turns out she intended to abort him but an explosion at the clinic the same day allowed the baby to be saved and raised by one of the doctors.  We later learn the reason for her decision and I had no clue you could tell that about an unborn child.  Anyway, people start dying by way of axe, bear trap, and even an umbrella.  There’s definitely style to this Australian film---a particular favorite aside from the violence were the multi-color lighted rooms.  It isn’t without its flaws either.  Other than the bland beginning, the house always seems to be in the middle of nowhere, therefore taking the cops an immoderate amount of time to arrive and are immediately offed when they do.  The cop death was worthy though so I can forgive it.  I still prefer my Christmas Black gifted by Bob Clark, but now I certainly don’t mind them Red as well.  11/29/2017

The Red Pill                                                                G

The Men’s Rights Movement.  A movement scoffed at by many and compared to groups like the White Nationalists.  Cassie Jaye, a feminist filmmaker, concocted this documentary after previously tackling other issues like feminism and LGBT rights.  The title, taken from The Matrix, is a notion proposed by Paul Elam (ironically male backwards and his actual name), a Men’s Rights Activist, in which people that take the red pill will see all the hypocrisies of feminism and gender double standards the world at large chooses to ignore, whereas people that take the blue pill will always see women as the victims and men as the powerful perpetrators.  Some men join these groups or cry egalitarianism because they feel women don’t have it as bad as they claim.  Basically, no one has it easy and we’re all going to blame the other gender or the other race when we don’t get what we feel we deserve.  I’m not going to lie, I’m guilty of being pissed off about gender double standards for many years.  Being a gay male, I’ve always thought women had it better in many regards (sometimes I still do) and always wondered if I would’ve felt differently had I been a straight male.  Then I hear stories and personal experiences from women of their struggles and it momentarily makes me feel better.  That’s why I think you should hear different perspectives.  I heard someone mention a writer say that you should never compare suffering.  In a way, both the feminist and MRA movements aren’t progressive since their issues are generally one-sided.  Both have been accused of sexism while both claim to advocate equality.  If that’s the case, why don’t we all become humanists?  Humanism has even been accused of trying to eradicate feminism, but if equality is what we all desire, then humanism would seem like the logical movement.  No matter where you stand on the gender spectrum, this doc makes for a compelling sociological examination on gender studies and double standards.  It might even make you learn a thing or two or change your opinion on specific topics addressed.  Cassie questioned whether she was still a feminist by the end, so it makes me wonder how many others would feel afterwards.  It also makes me wonder how many MRA’s would change if they did a similar case study about feminism, but I believe the whole point of this film was to debunk many feminist notions and bring to light an ignored issue.  Can’t we all just get along?  I know that’s likely never going to happen as long as we are different, but listening to each other and putting ourselves in other’s shoes would be a start.  5/19/2018

Red Rocket                                                                  OK/G

Sean Baker directed The Florida Project, a realistically entertaining feature (which you can read my review for here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/03/mooby-reviews-3818.html).  His Tangerine was also good (I didn’t write a review for it, but my archives tell me I gave it a G rating).  Apparently he made four other movies before Tangerine, the only one I saw being Starlet with no recollection (Netflix said I rented it back in 2013 and my archives say I rated it G as well), and I might like to check out the others.  Judging by the three movies I have seen (that I remember), he appears to make fictional pieces depicting very real people and situations (the people not exactly of the highest class).  This newest film is mostly no exception.  In it, Simon Rex, I still remember him from the 90s-era MTV days (he still looks somewhat good for his age; 47, to be exact) and his appearance here is the sole indication this is fictional, much like Willem Dafoe’s in The Florida Project; anyway, he plays a porn star from L.A. returning home to Texas City, proving you can be “on top” one minute and down on the bottom another.  He ends up living with his ex-wife and her mother while looking for work, eventually meeting a 17-year old girl that works at a local donut shop.  I enjoyed this movie a decent amount of the time, but it ended up feeling too much like a romance involving a dude with a midlife crisis.  I may not have liked it as much as the aforementioned two features (the ones I remember), but it’s still not bad to check out and Sean Baker is definitely a filmmaker to follow.  3/17/2022

The Red Turtle                                                                        OK/G

Studio Ghibli always presents stunning animation.  Their newest feature slightly resembles Hans Christian Andersen tales and is dialogue-free.  The Triplets of Belleville proved that works if actions speak louder.  This movie does drag even at 80 minutes (mainly during the second half), but the poignant ending makes you look back and moderately adore this simple fable.  5/3/2017

The Reef:  Stalked                                                       OK/G

The only connection this has to its predecessor, released in 2010, is that it was written and directed by Andrew Traucki (and that it comes from the “land down under”).  The Reef was a decent shark attack film, and this in-name only sequel was actually pretty decent too.  Shark movies (or even natural horror movies in general), much like zombie movies, are pretty much old hat by now.  In order for a successful one to work though, they need to be suspenseful without trying to be too predictable, should try to evoke a modicum of realism (I know entertainment should be entertaining above all, but realistic depictions are often more frightening), and the shark (or sharks) needs to look good (that factor above all).  In this film, four girls go kayaking nine months after a tragedy and must contend with a toothy predator during this excursion.  Real sharks were filmed and seemed to mesh fairly seamlessly with the action (I didn’t detect any CGI elsewhere, except for one obvious scene).  There is some suspense at times too.  Naturally there are scenes that drag, like the common interactions wherein characters get stuff off their chests and moments with inactivity, but a roughly 90-minute feature needs to be padded out somehow, I guess.  Generally not bad for a shark attack movie made recently, and for a sequel that really isn’t a sequel at all.  It was a better follow-up than the director’s other sequel, Black Water:  Abyss (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/08/black-water-abyss.html), to another one of his worthy natural horror flicks (Black Water).  9/26/2022

The Reflecting Skin

I would’ve never watched this film if it weren’t recently renewed in my favorite magazine, Rue Morgue.  It came out in 1991 but I don’t remember ever hearing about it.  I’m not going to rate it yet because I know I’m going to have to re-watch it after personal analysis and other interpretations (namely, re-reading the aforementioned magazine’s article).  Metaphorical art-house film with “vampire” subtexts and death personified plus a younger good-looking Viggo Mortensen.  Defies categorization!  4/24/2016

Regression                                                                   G

Here’s a decent thriller from the director of The Others, which is probably the best post-millennium Gothic ghost film in my opinion.  That being said, he certainly has style.  This film is a dark police procedural akin to Seven (stylistically), dealing with Satanism in Minnesota circa 1990.  Ethan Hawke is very good.  Addresses the notion that memories are ultimately what we make of them and sometimes we perceive what we want to believe.  Certainly style over substance but gets a marginal recommendation for the style and performances.  Everything remains a mystery, much like the film itself, by the conclusion.  Similar to my above comment about memories being subjective, this film will surely warrant different interpretations.  5/20/2016

The Remains                                                               OK/G

This was a decent haunted house film.  The house is cool and the characters are mostly likable.  The significance of the giant dollhouse in the hallway is never quite explained which makes me wonder why it was even present at all.  There is no happy ending which is always welcome.  Not all movies have to end peachy-keen.  Life itself sure isn’t always.  12/7/2016

Rememory                                                                   G

Memory can be very tricky sometimes.  It can be dangerous too.  It’s also what defines us and generally all we have.  This movie does mention things along those lines.  A device was created here that captures some of your memories and stores them so you yourself can watch as an observer.  There would be pros and cons if such a device were to exist.  On one hand, you could analyze certain situations from a different viewpoint and possibly alter the way you process them since many people tend to overanalyze memories.  On the other hand, it may open up old wounds or cause you to see things you wish you hadn’t and that refers back to the notion of memory being dangerous.  As mentioned in the film and I’m paraphrasing like usual, good memories are what keep us going but often they’re buried in a sea of bad ones.  That couldn’t be a truer statement, at least according to me, so it begs the question of whether we should just move on even from good memories.  While the ending isn’t so fresh and the film isn’t as detailed or brilliant as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I thought it was a decent sci-fi drama that brought up some good points pertaining to memory (as mentioned above).  2/23/2018

Re: Mind:  Season One                                               OK

Japanese TV series on Netflix containing motifs of 12 Angry Men and Ten Little Indians (or And Then There Were None) primarily taking place in one room.  Instead of 12 men, it’s 12 high school girls and while some may be angry, they’re more frightened and confused.  Well, they do all wake up in a room containing various items while their feet are locked up in a box on the floor and they’re seated at a table initially with bags over their heads.  Occasionally the lights will go out and one girl disappears when they come back on (hence the Agatha Christie reference).  The connection they all seem to share is the bullying of a girl from their class.  Being 12 episodes, you know there has to be more to it and over the course of the series, secrets are revealed as well as other theories and possible culprits, plus the occasional flashback.  Although it’s absolutely nothing new (as you can tell from my description and film comparisons), it’s diverting and generally flows well if you like a good mystery.  However, it may be a good mystery but it ends with an open-ended suggestion that’s unsatisfying and don’t expect to find out what happens to the disappearing girls because that isn’t exactly answered.  There’s a “special episode” (the 13^th one) that shows some of the things the girls did before ending up in the room which doesn’t answer anything and could’ve legitimately been interspersed among the preceding 12 episodes as flashbacks.  Strictly for those with time to kill (at least 5 ½ hours---13 episodes roughly 24 minutes each) and/or those that like a mystery with great build-up and no direct conclusion.  9/3/2018

The Rental                                                                   EH/OK

It always sounds sketchy when letting strangers rent one’s house and the same goes for those staying in a stranger’s house.  Two straight couples rent a nice place overlooking the beach here and first impressions aren’t the best when meeting the owner’s brother who comes off as a bit standoffish and possibly racist (a Middle Eastern girl couldn’t book the house while a Caucasian guy could an hour later).  A locked door with a keypad is discovered underneath the house and while that may appear sketchy (at least in entertainment), isn’t actually too much considering there’s always locked doors on properties.  Eventually someone discovers what appears to be a camera in the showerhead and things just escalate from there.  Now, the characterizations may be intricate and we do get some idea of who these people are (infidelity seems to be a commonality), but the concept is nothing I haven’t seen before (a movie set in Italy is just one that comes to mind), making it feel not at all distinctive.  I was going to give this a strictly OK rating, because I didn’t hate it despite being nothing special, but I felt that would’ve been too nice.  11/5/2020

Requiem:  Season One                                                OK

Six one-hour episode series from Netflix about an Englishwoman traveling to Wales after the suicide of her mother unearths information about a missing girl possibly connected to them.  There are suggestions of kidnappings, satanic cults, and angels (or demons more likely), along with several appearances of a Blair Witch-type symbol.  There’s also a possibility the protagonist is the missing girl grown up with repressed memories of being kidnapped and given a new name.  It all mostly comes to light by the sixth episode which explains the preceding events enough but still ends like a mystery overall.  All the components for a compelling mystery are here, it just didn’t need to be stretched into a 6-hour series.  A condensed 90-minute feature would’ve sufficed, if that.  4/18/2018

The Requin                                                                  EH/OK

Alicia Silverstone in a shark movie?  As if!  You can barely even label it strictly such with the amount of minutes the toothy predators actually appear on screen during the almost 90-minute run-time.  That Clueless star (the role she’ll always be remembered for; at least to those of us that lived during the ‘90’s) plays a woman that recently lost an unborn child and travels with her husband to Vietnam (I think I heard Thailand mentioned, but Vietnam was mentioned more than once; whatever, somewhere over in Asia).  They are staying in a hut over the water when a storm washes them out to sea.  He can’t swim because he injured his legs and he doesn’t want her to go because of how dangerous it might be (or something).  It isn’t bad as a survival thriller for a bit (needless to say, the hut gradually becomes less and less intact), but when I watch a shark movie I expect to actually see them for a decent amount of the time.  It does take a while for the first shark to appear and the three times (if I recall correctly) they actually do aren’t that noteworthy; the final confrontation is so poorly done too (particularly in regards to a motor being used, plus an airborne shark).  Like I said, it wasn’t bad as a survival film, but not so good as a shark film, and the latter is what I expected more of, or at least better of.  I was reminded of Open Water at one time and that film’s a good example wherein both subgenres manage to work effectively.  3/31/2022

Reservation Dogs (Season 2)                                      OK/G

I knew not there was an indigenous community in Oklahoma, a state allegedly as red as they come (that’s not a pun either), until co-creator Sterlin Harjo educated me, beginning with this Hulu series.  Representation is one thing, but I did enjoy the first season enough to want to check out this one (there are 10 instead of 8 episodes this time, all roughly 30-minutes, give or take).  There isn’t too much Native visual media---hell, they don’t even make up 2% of the U.S. population; let that sink in; the original inhabitants of this country don’t even make up 2% of it---and often they include stereotypes (I’m not just talking about Dances with Wolves either).  This season isn’t without its stereotypes either, on both Natives and Caucasians.  Aside from White Steve, the white people are either racist, idiotic, or obsessed with ranch dressing.  There were times the Natives were getting a little too spiritual, something I felt was stereotypical.  Sure, some stereotypes for any group may still to apply to some, but I thought this show was a bit more progressive than that.  It mostly has been though, showing a group of teenagers we don’t often see depicted growing up in a poor community with not much opportunity.  Sometimes it does play around with stereotypes too (I’ll be thinking of “Free Fallin’” a bit differently from now on).  That’s what I like about author Sherman Alexie; he juxtaposes traditional stories with modern ones (I wonder what he thinks about this series).  I didn’t think the episodes featuring the elder women vacationing at the hotel that is like their “Cancun,” or where the police officer (played by Zahn McClarnon; I’m seeing him a lot these days) accidentally trips (even though it contained an interesting subplot involving a cult in the woods) were necessary.  Being this is called Reservation Dogs I’d like to only see episodes about the Reservation Dogs.  It was fine in season one when they each got an episode about themselves since it still involved them, and it would’ve been fine if other characters made appearances as long as they weren’t the focus of attention.  Actually, if any other characters deserve their own episode, let alone series, I think it should be the two little rappers, Mose and Mekko (they seem interesting).  The rest of the episodes involving the main characters, alone or together, were fine though.  A third season has already been commissioned and, yeah, I think I’ll tune back in.  I think representation in entertainment is great, especially when it’s actually good (Dark Winds, also featuring Zahn, released not that long ago wasn’t that great).  9/28/2022

Reservation Dogs (Season Three)

Allegedly the final season of this Hulu series (you can check out my review for the second season in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-reef-stalkedthe-munsters.html; I didn’t review the first one).  There are ten episodes this time, like last season, all roughly 30-minutes, give or take (how long TV episodes should be!).  Similar to my other favorite Hulu series, The Bear (I recently reviewed the second season here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-bear-season-2.html), I liked how you never knew what you were going to get each time as they all feature different people (ironically, one of the characters here is called Bear).  I know that one of my gripes in the second season review was that the series should solely focus on the titular characters, but this time I grew to appreciate the other members that make up this community (although Mose and Mekko didn’t get their own episode and, not only did they deserve one, but I remember reading they were going to have one this season!  Shitasses!).  The profound Deer Lady episode and the Seventies-set Native Dazed and Confused one with a trippy conclusion were of particular note.  I’m okay with this being the end if the creators keep their word, but I actually wouldn’t mind more episodes if made (that promised and deserved Mose and Mekko one, perhaps?).  This series should no doubt go down as a worthy addition to Indigenous representation (I wasn’t much a fan of Dark Winds, although critically-acclaimed).  9/27/2023

Restoration                                                                  B

Yet another non-theatrical modern horror release (directed by Zach Ward---the bully “with the yellow eyes” from Christmas Story; he also has an acting part) with a slow build-up, occasional jump scares and an ending you should’ve foreseen or probably won’t care by then if not.  I fell asleep on and off so that’s what I remember.  Good movies are what need restoring nowadays.  8/7/2016

The Retreat                                                                  OK/G

[SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]

Wow, an LGBT movie that wasn’t half bad (I’m personally not a fan of too many LGBT films because they’re often fabricated and stereotypical).  Well, foremost it is a horror film of the survivalist/backwoods variety that features gay characters.  A lesbian couple, non-stereotypical at that, head to a cabin in the woods away from the city and this cabin (or retreat) is allegedly a gay B&B.  I must’ve missed a location for this cabin and/or city, but it was filmed in Canada (you and I should both know that doesn’t mean it took place there).  I hate to stereotype, but something tells me it took place somewhere in the American South (I could be wrong though).  Anyway, something is clearly not right when they reach this cabin---another gay couple, males, were supposed to meet them there (we see something happen to them in the beginning), but all that’s present is their car and belongings in the house and the cabin is unlocked.  It isn’t long before these girls are hunted in the woods by a masked gunman.  You see, these are a group of people that capture homosexuals and film them being murdered in what they dub “the culling;” they have followers that watch online as if it were a reality show (talk about the dark web).  This did, at once, feel like a typical backwoods horror flick, but its strong homophobic subtext does make it a bit more distinctive (and darker) than its ilk.  There’s a bit of atmosphere to it too.  Some of the violence is worthy, particularly when our protagonists get revenge on their bigoted capturers.  I, being of the LGBT community, wouldn’t say this film is cathartic because I know it’s just a movie and thankfully haven’t been through a similar ordeal (and hope I never will).  It might be for some though, especially since there are still homophobes out there (I hope not as extreme as these villains though, but I wouldn’t doubt it, even in 2021) and the gays do win.  Even if I did spoil pretty much the entire feature, I think those that may be interested would still enjoy it.  I can’t ultimately overlook its aforementioned familiarity (read: clichés), but it’s not a bad film and better than many modern ones of its type and, no, not just because it features members of a group I’m part of.  Like I said, this is a horror movie first.  9/15/2021

Return from Witch Mountain                                       OK/G

You should know by now (if you know me or read any of my reviews) that if I watch the first one (here, Escape to Witch Mountain---reviewed in my last blog entry), I have to watch the second one.  And the third one, and the fourth one, and the fifth one, etc.  I actually liked this one better.  Still far from a masterpiece but there’s enough silly fun and more interesting characters this time making it worthwhile.  I particularly found it very hilarious how a van flipped over, rolled down a hill upside down before coming to a stop, and everyone immediately exited nonchalantly (as nothing happened) and apparently unscathed.  6/19/2017

Revenge                                                                       OK

A woman is violated by three men, left for dead, and exacts revenge on them one by one.  Sounds familiar, no?  I Spit on Your Grave maybe?  Both versions and the remake’s sequels?  I know there’re others but the Meir Zarchi 1978 cult classic always comes to mind first.  The woman here was only raped by one of the men offscreen, but the other guy that saw it about to happen and did nothing is just as guilty.  The man the woman went to the isolated house in the desert with can’t very much come to her defense since he’s married (yeah, he’s cheating) and all three men will go to jail for 15 years.  I can hear all the conservative (and some liberal) criticizers saying the woman deserved what happened to her for being scantily clad amongst three men (whom were there in the desert to hunt like they always do) and basically coming on to them.  Consent is still consent though and no one deserves to be sexually assaulted.  There is bloodshed to be had, especially the ending, but the film is too long with each revenge sequence drawn-out when already knowing the wronged woman is going to prevail each time.  I thought having a woman behind the camera would make this rape/revenge tale a little more distinctive, but it pretty much delivers exactly what you’d expect, nothing more.  8/7/2018

Revenge of the Green Dragons                                   OK

Some immigrants feel that leaving their homeland with minimal opportunities and coming to America (the “land of opportunities”) will provide a better life only to discover it’s not necessarily much better.  That’s the predicament facing two Chinese boys arriving in Queens after joining a gang because, after all, “it’s better to be part of something (bad or not) than be nothing” (poor and working in a restaurant for life).  One character (authority figure) hinted that immigration always leads to problems and it should be controlled.  This took place between 1983 and 1992 so the immigration debate will never dissipate.  Many people seem to forget that unless you’re an American Indian, everyone was an immigrant to this nation since its formation.  Whether this film deals with immigration issues or gangs (all of them are Asian so apparently it’s not one-for-all in America, plus one of the Green Dragon rules is not to kill whites since the cops will give them shit), I didn’t feel it was fully developed however effective some of it may have been.  Martin Scorsese was involved in the production which makes sense since this felt like a movie I’ve seen several times before, namely one of his, with Italians (or Irish or whoever) replaced by Asians.  12/21/2017

The Revenge of Robert                                                OK

This is actually the third sequel to Robert, based on the doll located in Key West, Florida.  Apparently I missed Robert and the Toymaker which was teased at the end of the second one, The Curse of Robert, and released last October.  You suck Netflix for not having Toymaker available and making me miss one!  They don’t even have Curse available, so you’re shit out of luck if you plan on having a marathon without buying them.  You could always watch on Amazon I guess which is what I’ll probably have to do with Toymaker.  Anyway, I thought the first two were decent killer doll movies, far from excellent, but welcome additions to the subgenre.  This one appeared to be a prequel to the first two and possibly the third as it takes place in Nazi Germany during 1939 and 1941, with the final scene occurring in 2012 before the events of Robert.  The first half was essentially a World War II-set film involving a woman fleeing her abusive husband.  Robert doesn’t make an appearance until after halfway along with two other animate dolls (one being a really cool clown) and they only appear for maybe 8 (if that) of the total 80 minutes.  Their appearance is satisfactory at least making me wish they had more screen time.  Perhaps Toymaker involves more killer doll action?  The gun violence committed by the humans looks like poorly rendered video game graphics and somehow there was no blood around the bodies after they were shot (continuity issues in editing).  That was the main issue I had aside from the absence of the doll(s).  It actually wasn’t that bad of a film all things considered, but I can’t rightfully recommend a Robert film in which Robert barely makes an appearance.  4/1/2018

Rim of the World                                                         EH/OK

This new Netflix film begins as a silly camp movie before becoming a silly alien invasion/post-apocalyptic movie.  Silly, but kind of fun (pretend ‘kind of’ is in big bold letters).  The fate of the world falls on four kids (a nerdy redhead, a misunderstood delinquent, an initially quiet Asian girl, and a mouthy black kid; or, in their own words, “a nerd, a criminal, an orphan, and a joke”) that meet at the titular camp and must travel to a facility with an item needed to save the world.  Do you think they end up saving the world?  Of course they do, or maybe they don’t (it’s not polite to spoil movies, especially in reviews), but whether they do or not, they face several obstacles (both human and alien) en route to the facility, all while referencing different types of pop culture.  The crappy CGI creatures look straight out of a videogame and don’t try to tell me that McG (the director) doesn’t have enough money/resources for better creature designs considering he made two Charlie’s Angels movies and one of the Terminator movies.  Overall, I don’t think this is entirely worth watching, it goes on longer than necessary, but you could do worse.  You could also do better.  5/25/2019

Rings                                                                           OK

I guess this would technically be The Ring Three?  It’s more a remake of The Ring, or re-imaging if you will.  In the beginning, I thought I was watching Final Destination, and at the end I thought I was watching Don’t Breathe for a second.  I still am a fan of The Ring.  The Ring Two was a typical sequel:  not as good, okay, easily forgotten.  That’s basically how I feel about this one.  While there are references and flashbacks to the first two, Samara has a slightly different backstory this time and was never found before.  How were more images on the tape never discovered before?  Back when The Ring came out, DVD players were still in their infancy and most people still had VCR’s.  In future installments, the video is going to be solely digital.  I don’t think any more sequels are necessary though.  2/9/2017

The Ritual                                                                    G

A bunch of buddies take a hiking trip in Northern Sweden six months after the murder of another buddy.  They decide to take a shortcut through the woods and, as anyone that watches horror films knows, shortcuts never lead to anything good.  None of them had cell phones from what I recall, so I’m not sure if this film took place currently (they did find a wallet with a credit card expiring in 1984).  Even if they did have cell phones, they most likely wouldn’t have a signal as often occurs in these films.  Regardless, the first half is very well-made and foreboding, making it worthwhile on that alone.  As often the case with creature features where the creature isn’t fully revealed until later, the second half isn’t as effective.  It turns into an American backwoods/Wicker Man-type film and the creature (based on Scandinavian folklore) wasn’t that impressive to me, but it wasn’t disappointing where it completely ruined the movie.  Imagine a deformed moose that’s 10-feet tall.  Concludingly, while it may have been familiar during the second half and isn’t too fresh thematically overall, I enjoyed it enough to slightly recommend it.  2/11/2018

River’s Edge                                                                EH

I finally got around to watching this movie from 1986 (you’d be surprised at how many movies I haven’t seen from decades past) and it bums me to say it wasn’t worth the wait.  It stars Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Crispin Glover, and “Homer” from Near Dark.  I was rather annoyed by Crispin’s stereotypical West Coast surfer/stoner drawl.  The acting in general is surprisingly terrible.  A rather serious situation is treated way too lightly.  A guy idiotically blabs to his friends that he killed a girl and then proves it by taking several of them to see the dead body.  Many stand around it as if it were a dead animal while some naturally aren’t too comfortable with it and someone is bound to snitch.  There’s really no excitement and it never gets any better even when I thought it might have.  I could see how Super Dark Times may have been mildly influenced by this and it’s ironic that it’s a much better movie made over 30 years later.  12/28/2018

River Wild                                                                   EH

They seriously remade the 1994 film of the same name (with The in front)?  I wasn’t even a fan of that film despite all the names involved (Kevin Bacon, Meryl Streep, David Strathairn, Joseph Mazzello, John C. Reilly).  I remember being disappointed when it came out because I felt it fell short (I was only in 6^th grade too).  I read this is supposed to be a reimagining, but remake, reimagining, whatever!  The circumstances may be a bit different here, but there is still a villain, a river, a raft, and danger (both human and water).  Even as a standalone film, this is rather lame.  Don’t waste your time with this un-un-unnecessary remake/reimagining/whatever.  8/9/2023

R.L. Stine’s Mostly Ghostly:  One Night in

Doom House                                                   EH

You don’t necessarily need to see the two preceding entries in this filmed series.  Some of the characters reappear but neophytes need not worry who they are.  Not that they or even people like me (who saw the first two) would care much.  Like Stephen King, R.L. Stine is one of my favorite authors and left a huge impact on my life.  Therefore, anything with his name attached is guaranteed to garner a gander from this reviewer.  Even if it’s as bad as this.  This is basically like the same TV movies I used to watch during the early 90’s involving horror elements but being more of a comedy geared towards no one older than preteen.  The special effects just got worse, twenty-plus years later!  R.L. Stine shouldn’t think he can get away with putting out garbage because he knows fans, whether life-long or newbies, will watch or read no matter what!  9/8/2016

Road Games                                                               G

I guessed several outcomes for this French thriller (in both English and French) and only one of them happened.  I’ve seen enough movies to figure out modern endings or if I somehow don’t figure it out, I’m usually not surprised anymore.  Twist endings are overdone.  A lot of times filmmakers cheat by tacking them on terrible movies to make us rethink or rewatch.  The entire movie, or most of it, should enthrall beforehand with the twist being an added bonus.  That being said, this movie is tense, ominous and interesting enough to recommend.  The twist is old hat but works somewhat and made me rethink and possibly want to rewatch.  In a positive way though, not just because I know how it turns out.  Make sure you watch (or fast-forward) to the end of the credits, unless you like things more open-ended.  8/8/2016

Robert the Doll                                                            OK

I’ve always had a fascination with dolls (especially evil ones), so whenever a movie with an evil doll comes out I get very excited.  Especially when the doll is cool-looking and somewhat creepy like Robert.  He’s also very ugly and looks nothing like the real “Robert” doll located in Key West, Florida which I happened to visit last summer, hearing about this legend for the first time.  There’s lots of boring parts and not enough doll action.  I was very happy with the minimal doll violence though.  I think this would work better as a half-hour anthology episode or even an hour.  Less filler, more doll killer! 3/28/2016

Robin Williams:  Come Inside My Mind                     EH

Robin Williams.  I’d be amazed if any kid (or adult) growing up in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s didn’t like a single thing involving the late “funny man.”  My personal favorites were Hook, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Jumanji (kinda).  I remember liking One Hour Photo despite many, not counting critics, being dissatisfied with his serious performance they were unaccustomed to.  I don’t remember being a fan of The Birdcage or Good Will Hunting despite being loved by many (critics and non-critics).  This documentary recently released on HBO doesn’t do the man justice in my opinion.  It provides us with key moments from his childhood to his death, showing clips of some of his stand-up routines and films intercut with interviews from stars, family and friends, but nothing you couldn’t find in a written article or on a timeline.  Sure, he had a lonely childhood, the death of John Belushi deeply upset him, he got entangled with typical Hollywood drama, had an alcohol addiction, and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s before taking his own life, but I wanted to literally get inside this man’s head as the title implies instead of hearing the timeline footnotes.  I would’ve rather seen private therapy sessions (or re-enactments) to understand what truly troubled this “funny man,” but all this documentary made me want to do was watch some of the movies again and the stand-ups I’ve never seen in their entirety.  R.I.P. “Funny Man” from my younger years!  7/21/2018

Roboshark                                                                   EH/OK

Is there anything they haven’t tried doing with sharks yet?  Apparently a robotic shark hasn’t been done until now.  The design looks really good and the story actually works considering it’s a robot shark and can do stuff regular sharks can’t, like go on land and still kill people.  Throughout the film, this shark does other stuff no other cinematic shark has done before, but given that it’s a robot from space it doesn’t really seem too far-fetched and is actually pretty novel.  Overall, it still suffers from the overlong, predictability associated with other “innovative” shark pictures.  3/27/2016

Rock Dog                                                                    OK/G

Someone (or something) expected to fulfill specific duties (here, a Mastiff dog next in line to guard his village from wolves) has a different calling (rock star) and decides to follow their bliss (in the city), eventually being congratulated for making the right decision.  Yes, this animated film based on a Chinese comic book reeks of familiarity, but I actually thoroughly enjoyed it.  Some clichés are slightly subverted.  The young pup is encouraged by his father to follow his dreams quite early on instead of being spiteful and leaving for the city on his own.  The village inhabitants consisted of several musicians before all instruments were banned for being a “distraction” from learning to guard, so perhaps it was intrinsic for the protagonist to play guitar?  Yes, it contains the tired message about going your own way, but it doesn’t mean it’s completely dismissible.  I can honestly say I lean more towards G than OK but not wholly due to its conventionality.  I liked this better than Sing.  5/25/2017

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever                             OK

It’s actually not a terrible sequel per se.  It’s cheesy fun filled with extremely outlandish moments, such as when Corey Feldman (this was on a double disc with South Beach Academy, reviewed below) and his buddies pay to see an old refrigerator in a lady’s house and dance around it in worship mode, and when Corey fantasizes a rock star visitation.  However, it’s missing the one element that made the first one so great:  The Ramones (other than posters hanging up on walls).  I would love to go back in time to see The Ramones in concert during the late ‘70’s, and watching Rock ‘n’ Roll High School is the closest to always making that happen.  The only similarity is Mary Woronov reprising her role as a different vice principal enforcing strict changes for the “unruly” high school students.  I’m not going to tell you to dismiss this, just turn off your instinctive comparisons if you want to enjoy it even a little.  The Eradicators (Corey’s band in the film) don’t quite hold a candle to Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee and Marky.  9/8/2017

The Rocky Horror Picture Show                                 EH/OK

Yes, I’m a fan of Rocky Horror.  The original.  No, I never attended any midnight screenings dressed up as characters.  I like the movie because it’s fun with catchy songs.  Fans are probably going to watch the TV movie remake anyway, so I guess I’ll say watch it and get it out of your system because you’re most likely going to forget about it and watch the original here on out.  Yes, some of the songs are catchy this time and an actual transsexual plays Frank-N-Furter in these progressive times.  It seems to me that the actors and actresses lip-synced all the songs and no effort was made to make it look authentic.  All in all, it was almost a shot-for-shot (and song-for-song) rehash like the gosh-awful Psycho and Cabin Fever remakes.  Newbies will undoubtedly and unfortunately like this one and care less about the original.  Well, they say wah-ter and I say wood-er.  10/22/2016

Rogue                                                                          OK

The title shares its name with several others, but one that comes to mind first is the exceptional killer crocodile film from Australia.  This film involves a lion somewhere in Africa.  A group of soldiers, led by Megan Fox’s character, rescue some young girls from a terrorist organization involved in human trafficking and end up at an abandoned lion farm where they now have to protect themselves from a rogue lion as well as hide from those terrorists they escaped from.  The lions were very real when we first see them at this lion farm in the beginning, but the rogue one in question is CGI when attacking people and when running.  Why did the CG lion have to be less than passable?  Don’t they know bad CGI (and most CGI) can ruin an otherwise good movie?  You mean to tell me they could afford to cast Megan Fox and shoot in Africa, but couldn’t afford to train a real lion or at least create a more realistic-looking one?  Aside from that, plus some parts being too predictable, and that the film could’ve been 20-25 minutes shorter, this really wasn’t a bad movie.  They did manage to meld genres well (war/action fused with natural horror), but, unfortunately, those negative factors (particularly the lion) caused me to feel a bit less than content.  9/9/2020

Roma                                                                           EH

Here we have a Mexico-set film (yes, that means subtitles for those not fluent in Spanish) featuring an indigenous lady servant in a rich household clearly of European descent.  Surely you must know that Latino/Hispanic isn’t a race, just a label given to those from Spanish-speaking countries/territories when they come to the U.S. regardless of ancestry.  Wow, even in their own country the lower class (particularly of Native descent) work as household servants to the upper class.  This is a simple story shot in black & white, but I ultimately felt like I was on the outside looking in, making this an instance where reading a book might’ve worked better to get inside this servant woman’s head.  I just didn’t feel anything she was feeling which generally made the entire 2 hour-plus film uninvolving.  12/16/2018

Ron’s Gone Wrong                                                     G

Modern animation dealing with modern technology.  This animation isn’t a Disney film though, nor a Netflix one (although it is currently available on Disney+).  The technology involved is a bubble-bot, a cylindrical-shaped device that travels alongside its owner (containing any and all information concerning them).  One middle school kid receives a defective bot (Ron) that basically needs to be taught like a human.  And, like all technology, the other bots that aren’t “defective” can be just as detrimental as advantageous.  This movie wasn’t great, and it did take a bit for me to warm up to it, but it was cute (Ron is cute too) and funny (I did laugh out loud sometimes) enough to recommend for the entire family.  12/17/2021

The Room (2019)                                                        OK/G

A heterosexual couple move into a new house wherein they discover a boarded-up room that can grant as many wishes as they want.  There’s really no explanation why, but would one really care in such a circumstance?  I certainly wouldn’t.  Things go great for a bit until they learn, like any fictional scenario involving wishes, you should be careful what you wish for (as promo art for the film also states)!  And, as in similar narratives containing a premise that seems too good to be true, there is a catch, not a huge one, but one in which certain wishes are deemed completely futile.  I was wondering how they could take a simple premise like this and make it work for 99 minutes, and they do for the most part, but it still could’ve been a bit shorter and I think the compelling direction it took towards the end could’ve lead it to darker places if expanded upon, sooner instead of later.  I’m still not dismissing this though.  7/22/2020

Rough Night                                                                EH/OK

A female Hangover?  I thought that was already attempted with Bridesmaids?  I wasn’t exactly crazy about that film and was even less crazy about this one.  I guess that makes me a misogynist since I’m a cisgendered male that didn’t much care for a female-centric film directed by a female, right?  Whatever.  I’m all for inclusion of all unchosen aspects (race, gender, sexuality, etc.) in all professions and believe there should be balanced representation.  This is a diverse world we live in and all forms of media should reflect that.  I just wish specific groups demanding equal representation would stop being involved with movies that suck!  This film was predominantly unfunny (unintentionally) with a few laughs and leans more towards EH than OK.  I rated it halfway because some small part of me had fun with these gals and was slightly curious to see how their unexpected predicament would play out.  It’s fairly predictable and, similar to most people after a rough night (!) during a bachelorette/bachelor party, completely forgettable and probably for the better.  9/22/2017

The Row                                                                      OK

The title refers to more than one thing, not just the name of the sorority house.  This isn’t exactly The House on Sorority Row, or even its remake, Sorority Row.  It is a slasher film, but it’s also a police procedural and a regular college film with the feel of a TV movie or low-budget direct-to-video release.  That may have actually been part of its appeal though while also being part of its shortcomings.  I think they should’ve focused solely on the slasher aspect by elaborating on it and adding some more distinctive kills, like those in Sorority Row.  Like I’ve said before, I really could care less who the killer is in these movies anymore, but it makes me wonder how they weren’t found out sooner here in regards to information that was always public; only in the movies.  This movie wasn’t bad, but it never stay focused for too long at a time and the slasher aspect, which is what it ultimately intended to be, was barely average at best.  10/3/2018

Run the Tide                                                                EH

Pretty lame movie starring “Jacob Black.”  Several performances are very convincing but the story culminates in the age-old “it wasn’t you, it was me” speech enabling someone to bury the hatchet and get a load off their chest.  Blah, blah, blah.  1/8/2017

Rupture                                                                       EH

Fear Factor by way of Hostel?  There actually is an ulterior motive behind all the madness but we’re not given enough reason to care by then.  The plot would make a swell short story or a decent anthology segment.  Maybe that’s it; my attention span is shrinking for movies.  I also feel like I’m repeating myself with certain reviews by saying they’d make better stories if condensed in either written or visual form.  7/19/2017

Russian Doll:  Season One                                         OK/G

(haiku review)

Eight short eps.  Netflix.

It’s basically Groundhog Day.

Not bad but not great.  2/8/2019

Rust Creek                                                                   OK

A college girl gets lost in the backwoods of Kentucky on her way to DC for an interview before being pursued by two brothers in this movie that begins Wrong Turn-ish.  Then, it ultimately becomes a movie about making drugs with some Stockholm syndrome involved (kind of).  Basically, you can’t always rely on GPS.  If you’re ever driving on backroads though and you’re far from any kind of civilization, don’t stop and get out of your car to look at a map, especially if you’re a young girl.  And if movies taught us anything, don’t trust the cops in a small town because one or more are likely in cahoots with the people that tried to harm you.  While this felt more like a drama, it wasn’t bad on its own merit, but I expected more of a straight-up horror film.  Come to think of it though, knowing it was a 108-minute movie beforehand, I was hoping it wasn’t just going to be a chase movie through the woods, so I really don’t know what to say.  6/1/2019

Ryde                                                                            EH

The title refers to a driving service similar to Uber or Lyft.  You can never be too careful in any situation, but I always thought Uber/Lyft were very shady.  You don’t know if the driver is crazy and plans to do something (which happens here) and the driver doesn’t know if the passengers are crazy (which also happens here).  This movie starts off mildly promising by focusing on more than character but quickly veers into bland slasher territory, combining traces of Taxi Driver, Maniac, and one scene reminding me of The Stepfather.  After being reminded of those better movies (I hope you know I’m referring to the original latter two titles since I rarely ever refer to remakes when mentioning good movies), all this film made me want to do was watch them instead.  Skip this ryde!  2/27/2018

S

Safe:  Season One                                                       OK/G

Decent 8-episode British mystery from Netflix starring “Dexter.”  I’ve only ever seen one episode of Dexter but Michael C. Hall will always be recognized for it.  Here, he lives in a gated community where his daughter goes missing after one of her male friends is found dead in a neighbor’s pool.  As always, no one is who they appear to be and everyone has secrets that eventually come bubbling to the surface.  It’s often presented nonlinearly with many flashback sequences, but far too much would’ve been revealed too early had the series been linear.  I’ll admit I didn’t binge-watch at first and almost forced myself to continue, but once I passed the halfway point, I did want to see how it ended.  There’re many characters to keep track of but we get to know many of them, some quite endearing which was another factor for returning.  Part of my initial reluctance to continue was due to knowing what many of the characters didn’t know yet and waiting for them to figure it out.  There’s a lot more going on though and everything wraps up quite nicely with no loose ends, therefore I don’t think a second season would be necessary.  Being eight episodes roughly 40-45 minutes each means the series was at least 320 minutes or 5 hours and 20 minutes, so naturally there seemed to be filler.  I believe this might’ve still worked as a 2-hour, 3-hour at most, feature.  6/6/2018

Salt-N-Pepa

Biopic recently released on Lifetime covering from when the female rapping duo met in 1985 to a live performance in 2005 in which they were honored by VH1.  I think it’s safe to say that Cheryl (Salt) and Sandy (Pepa) are pioneers, considering it was pretty much unheard of for women to be rappers in the Eighties; ironically, they never intended to be rappers initially (which you’ll see if and when you watch).  I can’t necessarily say I’m a fan of the group, but I don’t dislike them either (“Push It” is a catchy song).  I remember when their single, “Let’s Talk About Sex,” first came out, and when they made an appearance in the John Ritter film, Stay Tuned (“Start Me Up”).  Regardless of how you feel about them, you can’t deny their presence in pop culture, especially if you’re aware of the music industry at large.  Other popular hits have included “Shoop” and “Whatta Man.”  I’m always interested in watching biopics and I was curious about the story behind the “queens of hip-hop,” especially since I knew very little besides the music beforehand.  Like many biopics, parts did feel rushed (even at a little over 2 hours) and the typical assortment of elements are included (creative control issues, internal strife, bad relationships, life meditations, etc.), but I did learn more than I knew prior (regardless of how much truth there was to it all, like usual) and I don’t really remember being bored.  Plus, Mario Van Peebles, an actor/director with many credits to his name, helmed it and the real Salt-N-Pepa were executive producers, so there has to be enough credibility to it, no?  1/31/2021

The Sandman                                                              EH/OK

The eponymous creature actually isn’t too bad-looking, kinda phat, considering I expected worse.  He’s just in the wrong movie.  Beginning as a formulaic body count movie lacking any suspense, it also tries incorporating elements of The Mummy, Carrie, Firestarter, Species, and contains what I think might’ve been a nod to The Exorcist.  Unlucky for us, a post-credits sequence suggests a possible sequel.  I say the mythical creature should put any future ideas to sleep unless he’s placed in a better movie!  3/26/2018

Santa Jaws                                                                  OK/G

A family Christmas shark movie.  Why haven’t sharksploitation writers and filmmakers thought of this before?  This SyFy ‘original’ may be set up like a holiday family film but there are a few bloody deaths.  An aspiring teen comic book writer is given a pen that can somehow make his creation (of the same title) come to life, complete with Santa hat on dorsal fin.  I’m sure you can figure out a potential ending on that premise and the notion itself sounds very familiar; “The Ghastly Grinner” episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? being one example that comes to mind.  The writing is actually clever at times and while the shark may look stupid, the deaths aren’t entirely awful.  I can almost recommend it solely for, one, being the first holiday shark movie I’ve ever seen and, two, for actually not failing (although it’s not exactly great either).  Misty Talley, the director of Ozark Sharks (reviewed above), helmed this so I think I can say she’s my favorite “stupid” non-theatrical shark movie director so far, making me look forward to watching two others she was behind, Zombie Shark and Mississippi River Sharks.  9/5/2018

Satanic                                                                                    OK

I liked this at first.  It seemed like a fun movie about a group of friends visiting historical atrocity sites, only to befall something horrific eventually.  With a title like that, you know things aren’t going to end well for at least some of the characters.  Just a matter of how and when.  It loses steam in the middle but picks back up at the end.  The ending is slightly ambiguous and frustrating but the final scene is quite chilling.  I wanted more though.  11/21/2016

Satanic Hispanics                                                        OK

Anthology film helmed by five Latin directors (only half the film, if that, is actually in Spanish with subtitles), those filmmakers being Alejandro Brugués (Juan of the Dead; Nightmare Cinema segment), Mike Mendez (The Convent; Tales of Halloween segment), Gigi Saul Guerrero (Bingo Hell; V/H/S/85 segment), Eduardo Sánchez (The Blair Witch Project), and Demián Rugna (Terrified; When Evil Lurks).  In the wraparound segment, a lone survivor (played by Efren Ramirez) of a massacre in Texas is taken to a police station for questioning, which is where he tells the stories in hopes of being released before something bad is coming for him.  The first one is a ghost story of sorts that left me feeling baffled, but no doubt stayed on my mind afterwards because of that.  Then there’s a horror-comedy, emphasis on the comedy (thereby feeling tonally uneven), the gore being its redeeming quality, it involving a vampire that must make it home before sunrise after being reminded of daylight savings.  The next one was a bit too bizarre for me, involving a native curse in Mexico.  The one after that was also tonally inconsistent involving demons; it wasn’t bad, much like the vampire one, but sometimes horror and comedy just don’t mesh well (especially when a really goofy song plays during a battle).  Now, about that entity coming for our protagonist in the beginning…let’s just say the interrogators should’ve heeded his warning; bloodshed surely ensues in what was probably my favorite part of the movie.  Not the best anthology film, but not the worst either; probably somewhere in between, or maybe even a little above that.  12/31/2023

Saturn Bowling                                                           EH/OK

French film (yes, that means subtitles if you don’t speak French) in which I was only interested due to being a new thriller containing a bowling alley.  Said (titular) bowling alley was left to two half-brothers after their father (the owner) passed and is only featured for about half the time, if that.  One of the sons is a detective, so he lets the other son run the bowling alley, even though he obviously doesn’t know how to.  The film focuses on both the men separately, the second part on the police officer investigating some local murders.  There’s no mystery though since we know who the murderer is; it’s just a matter of when the detective will find out and what will ensue.  The characterizations are fine, but the content is very underwhelming; the ending is just so tacky too.  Ultimately, not worth watching.  10/30/2023

Sausage Party                                                             G

I’m not the biggest Seth Rogen fan.  I don’t hate him and I don’t particularly care for him.  Luckily only his voice is present here.  This adult animation about talking foods in a supermarket is pretty stupid overall.  It’s fun though and I can’t resist edibles cursing like hell.  This is absolutely, positively, without a doubt, definitely inappropriate for children despite being presented as a kiddy ‘toon.  Race relations and religion are creatively used metaphorically.  I personally dug how it was subliminally anti-religion.  I’ll probably watch this again when it comes out on DVD, but as far as foul-mouthed cartoon characters go, I still prefer those 4^th graders from Colorado.  8/13/2016

Saw X                                                                          OK/G

Did we really need a tenth Saw film?  Especially after the seventh one was titled The Final Chapter?  And there’s an eleventh entry coming out later this year!  I’m fine with the first seven entries, the first, second, and sixth probably being my faves, the other four being ‘take them for what they are’---I don’t dislike them, they’re simply passable.  The eighth one, Jigsaw, wasn’t necessary (my review for it is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/11/mooby-reviews-11917.html), and the ninth one, Spiral, was even worse (review in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/07/spiral-from-book-of-saw.html); both released after “the final chapter.”  This one, helmed by Kevin Greutert (also behind Saw 6 and 7), allegedly occurs between the first and second film as we follow John Kramer (Jigsaw) to Mexico in hopes of curing his cancer after receiving promises.  Initially, I thought we were going to watch a character study (which one doesn’t expect when watching a Saw film), but, trust me, after John realizes he was duped by con artists, all those involved are captured and it becomes exactly what you expect from one of these movies.  This sequel may not be perfect (how can it be after ten films though?), but it was better than the previous two installments, making it another passable Saw entry; most of the violence is notable (one just being a fantasy).  I didn’t think it was over when it ended, even at almost 2-hours, thereby making the upcoming eleventh entry seem a bit (ahem) welcome; let’s just hope the franchise doesn’t overdo it…again!  1/20/2024

The Sawyer Massacre                                                 OK

Fan film available on YouTube that’s a prequel to Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, taking place in 1965.   Fan films are exactly what they say---films made by fans often without studio help.  You can check out my one blog entry covering a bunch of Friday the 13^th fan films here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/08/friday-13th-fan-films.html (you’ll also see links for other fan films).  The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of my favorite movies, so of course I was curious about this fan film available for free after seeing it mentioned via Rue Morgue news.  It entails different groups of people being led to the rural farmhouse in the middle of nowhere where danger in the form of Leatherface awaits.  There are several editing issues, the acting isn’t always the greatest, and many times it feels like a remake (and why will cars still only start when convenient in horror flicks?!!), but it really isn’t too, too bad (far from great) for a fan film made in 2022.  I enjoyed it more than many Texas imitators and even some of the sequels/prequels/whatever.  There is gore too; yes, I know the original Texas doesn’t really have any of the red stuff, but it doesn’t make it any less harrowing and effective.  I don’t think any film in this particular cinematic universe will ever top Tobe Hooper’s original (48 years later it is still one of the best), but if you’re looking for a free film to watch in this specific universe, it really isn’t too, too bad, like I said.  11/15/2022

Scales:  Mermaids Are Real                                        EH

Mermaids are interesting.  I’ve always been fascinated by them.  At once, this appeared to be a typically corny after school special or ABC Family channel movie.  Granted, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that.  Unfortunately, this is a straight-up bland children’s movie devoid of any true cinematic value, minus the occasionally realistic awkward conversations between the young stars.  It’s less about the experience of being a mermaid (you know, actually being one in the water) and more about the perils of being one (sans tail) while on land.  I don’t remember disliking Aquamarine, that other mermaid movie starring JoJo; what ever happened to her?  Watch that instead.  Actually, scratch that.  Watch The Little Mermaid.  I know that that’s good.  8/24/2017

Scaredy Cats

I took a chance with this new family series on Netflix only because it was on a ‘Netflix and Chills’ list that provides titles and dates of new releases during the Halloween season.  Plus, I like to think I’m a bit open-minded.  This series is corny as hell, yes, and I should’ve figured when seeing a logo for Air Bud Entertainment before each episode (you know, that franchise featuring dogs that play sports?); I can’t honestly say I’ve ever seen a single one of those Air Bud movies and don’t have a desire to, ever (guess I’m not as open-minded as I thought).  It consists of 9 episodes, the first one being over 40-minutes and the rest being under 30.  Yes, I did actually watch the entire series; I didn’t binge it though, just watched one or two episodes at a time, usually just one.  It involves three pre-teen girls that eventually learn they’re witches; they can turn into cats that do talk and there are other animals that talk too; there are also two “bad” witches that want an amulet one of the girls owns.  If you thought Hocus Pocus was corny…ha, let’s just say the creators of this probably said, “Hold my beer” (the way in which the bad witches are “defeated” at the end of the last episode is one of the corniest scenes I’ve seen in a very long while!).  Yes, that witch movie from 1993 is highly overrated and I’m amazed at how much cult status it received over the years (it’s strictly nostalgic for me since I saw it in the theater as a pre-teen, but it’s still corny).  I re-watched that Olsen twin witch movie, Double, Double, Toil and Trouble (also from 1993), to compare corniness and this certainly scores higher on the corny scale (Double was the more boring entry though).  How did I manage to watch this entire series if I keep saying how corny it was?  I’m not sure, I guess I love anything to do with Halloween and maybe it was a bit tolerable since I watched it in segments and the episodes weren’t too long (hell, as corny as Hocus Pocus may be, I do still watch it every once in a while, usually years in between, mostly for nostalgic reasons, as mentioned).  Now, as someone pushing 40, for those that have spawn within this show’s target audience, it’s a little tolerable if you’re forced to watch it with them (of course there’s no need to accompany them since it’s harmless and rated TV-G), but I really don’t think anyone past age-12 will find it appealing.  10/7/2021

Scare Package II:  Rad Chad’s Revenge                    EH

I didn’t review the predecessor (Scare Package) in this blog, but here’s what I said about it in an Instagram post---I love anthology films, if I never made that clear before. They're not always good though and this collection was just okay. There's gore, that's for sure, some of it gross, some of it impressive, obviously low-budget (maybe middle-budget), but the tone doesn't mesh well with the content. It's a bit too silly for my tastes and the whole self-referential thing for horror movies is old hat by now, thus ineffective. The wraparound segment seems to have three separate parts (they are actually separate in the credits) and there are 5 other tales, so I'm not sure if it's 8 segments or 6 (including the wraparound); the promo art says 7. Their hearts are in the right place and having a video store (something long gone that none of us truly appreciated until they became obsolete) in the wraparound segment (at least one of them) is awesome, but this anthology film was merely just okay, like I said, and it's never a good sign if you can't wait for a film to be over long before it actually is. I've seen worse though. Available on Shudder.  I gave it an OK rating in my ‘Ratings Only’ blog.  Like many sequels, as you can see from my rating, this was worse.  For those of you that actually saw the first one and thought it was meta (and it was), this ratchets up the meta-ness by like 500 (I know sequels try to outdo their predecessors, but this one really went for it in that department).  I thought I was watching another Scary Movie.  It is still an anthology film, like the first one, but the wraparound segment takes up about half the run-time (if not more).  Even though it is an anthology film (mostly), it’s still wise to watch Scare Package first (despite some flashbacks being provided here).  Rad Chad is a video store clerk returning from the first one and the wraparound segment here parodies the Saw films, in addition to others, but largely the Saw films.  Parodies are so overdone.  The first film was meta, yes (as mentioned), and was far from perfect, but it was okay (as mentioned).  I didn’t enjoy this sequel much at all (as hinted).  8/6/2023

Scary Stories for Kids                                                  B

Anthology from 2005 (but looks older and not in a good way) featuring a ghost host named Gator Butt Willie (yes, seriously) telling stories to three kids in the wraparound segment.  In this poorly-shot short film, the segments include killer vines, a mirror and spells, and a house full of doors with “dangers” behind them.  There’s also a “bonus” story told and not shown that wasn’t too bad which goes to show that sometimes stories are better left to the imagination.  It is barely a half hour but there’re much better things you can spend a half hour doing, such as watching episodes of better kiddie horror like Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, and Goosebumps (although I would just tell you to read the books instead but the show was infinitely better than this garbage intended for those aged 6-11 according to a synopsis).  8/15/2018

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark                                 OK/G

I recently re-read all three collections of short stories by Alvin Schwartz in which this film, helmed by the director of Trollhunter and The Autopsy of Jane Doe and produced by Guillermo del Toro, is based.  As can be expected, not all the stories were adapted but the writers did a satisfactory job of incorporating the ones that were used (“The Big Toe,” “Harold,” “The Red Spot,” just to name a few) into a cohesive story.  I liked how some of them ended differently (and a bit darker) than their stories did.  The film was well-shot and the creature designs were passable (except for maybe The Jangly Man), but I really wish they didn’t opt for a pussified, excuse me, weak (read: clichéd) ending.  In other words, I enjoyed three-quarters of this and was really let down by the last quarter.  Judging by the ending and the many stories that haven’t been adapted yet, I have a feeling this isn’t the end of what we’ll be seeing, and I will absolutely keep watching, but here’s to hoping there’re zero letdowns next time (if possible although impossible nowadays).  8/12/2019

Scoob!                                                                         B

I am a fan of Scooby-Doo, more so when I was younger, but I still like watching the animated movies that I have yet to see so many of, and hopefully that’ll eventually be rectified.  This recent animated film begins as an origin story in modern times (signifiers---smartphone, Velma’s costume being mistaken for Harry Potter, Simon Powell playing himself) before becoming a regular Scooby-Doo mystery that didn’t feel like a Scooby-Doo mystery at all.  I hated this movie.  Yes, I’m not a fan of modern animation, but I’ve learned to accept (or understand, more appropriately) that being the new reality (while still getting the occasional Klaus) and might’ve been able to overlook that aspect if the movie was actually any good.  There were two parts I liked---the bowling balls and bowling pins transforming into monsters and the abandoned amusement park scene---but they were minor bits in the grand scheme of things and I couldn’t help but imagine those same scenes looking better with traditional animation (meaning hand-drawn).  The majority of it had too much action, in the sense it bored me more than entertained me, while, again, not feeling like a standard Scooby-Doo film.  I’m not sure what was worse, this or the two live-action films released in 2002 and 2004, but I do know that this film didn’t work for me, at all.  8/3/2020

Scooby-Doo! and the Gourmet Ghost                         OK/G

Scooby-Doo will always hold a special place in my heart since I watched it religiously as a young boy while it simultaneously introduced me to the whodunit.  This is the newest Scooby-Doo and (fill in the blank) animated film of which I probably haven’t even seen half of them; Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island being my favorite.  Yes, much like any of the TV shows, they’re generally all the same---the gang goes to a location, Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, there’s some kind of haunting or danger going on that they eventually get to the bottom of---with the location and monster being the main differences.  That doesn’t mean they’re never fun though, especially if you’re somewhat a fan of the series (now or ever) and enjoy exquisite hand-drawn animation (luckily that hasn’t changed).  The location here is a colonial tourist site in Rhode Island which is also the setting for a culinary show featuring real chefs voiced by the actual people (Bobby Flay being one of them).  The monster is a “red ghost” often making shushing sounds that reminded me of ‘The Weeping Woman’ from a Tales from the Cryptkeeper episode.  No, this film is no different than any other---the gang goes to the location, Scooby and Shaggy eat a lot, the “red ghost” is eventually unmasked and all loose ends are tied up, they all go back home (or on to the next mystery)---but it’s a harmless, exquisitely hand-drawn animated diversion that shouldn’t upset fans or newbies looking to kill 70-plus minutes.  9/11/2018

Scooby-Doo! Return to Zombie Island                        EH/OK

I did watch Scooby-Doo growing up and I do remember enjoying it.  I do think the cartoons are a rather tame way of introducing youngies to the horror genre (sort of).  As for the animated movies, I haven’t even seen half of them, if that.  The ones I have seen I don’t expect much and take them for what they are; most being nothing special but decent if you don’t mind and are familiar with the Scooby-Doo paradigm.  However, my favorite animated movie, and the one that stands out, is this film’s predecessor, Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, which I doubt I would’ve even seen had I not come across its title in a book I own called Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide by Glenn Kay.  I hate to say it, but, like most sequels, this wasn’t as good as the first one.  Not nearly as good at that.  It was actually unnecessary in the sense it appeared to be a typical cash grab since fans of the first one and/or Scooby-Doo fans in general are expected to, and likely will (yours truly included), tune in.  There’s a twist halfway through that actually ruins the movie and made me lose interest in the remainder (barely 80 minutes altogether though).  There is a quick refresher as to what happened in the last film for those that may have forgotten or haven’t seen it, but I suggest you just watch Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island if you haven’t already and then watch this only if you absolutely feel the need to and/or have a free Redbox code like I did (I’ve noticed animated Scooby-Doo movies are rarely ever free On Demand).  10/2/2019

Scream                                                                                    OK

Scream 5.  Just call it Scream 5!  [There’s even one part that calls franchises out wherein they title a new film the same as the original.  This is a sequel, yes, not a remake or reboot or whatever, and I really only noticed references to the first film.  Needless to say, I don’t see why you would want to see this film if you haven’t seen the others though].  This is the first movie I’ve seen theatrically since the pandemic started almost two years ago (!) and can now say I’ve seen every single one of these films in the theater (the only other franchise that comes to mind I can say the same thing about is the Jurassic Park/World movies).  I was a big fan of the first Scream when it came out; I recently re-watched it (and the other predecessors) in preparation for this entry and, while it’s still decent (nostalgia or otherwise), I hate to say that it doesn’t exactly stand the test of time.  I always felt the sequels were just okay (the order I like them in, not counting this one, is 1, 4, 3, 2).  Scream 4 was released in 2011 and Scream 3 was released 11 years before that, so who’s to say there won’t be a Scream 6 11 years from now (or whenever)?  [Scream 3 was supposed to be the last entry at the time, but I don’t think I need to tell you that should never be said].  Now, if you’re a fan of the franchise and/or have seen all the other films, I think you’re going to watch this fifth entry regardless of what I or any other critic has to say about it (even if it’s simply out of curiosity).  Also, what do you really expect from a Scream movie, especially a fifth one released in 2022?  On one hand, I should say they’ve had so many years of films (not just the ones in this franchise) to compare to and should know what to avoid and whatnot, even though the series began as self-aware of the slasher subgenre itself.  On the other hand, I should say it’s hard to be original these days, especially in this subgenre (meta or not), and not expect them to be too original and keep my expectations low-to-middle.  Whatever.  I always judge a movie I take the time to sit through based on it alone, and I’ve enjoyed movies that didn’t feel too original (again, original isn’t really a description anymore).  That being said, did I enjoy this recent entry in the meta slasher franchise that’s the only one not directed by the late Wes Craven?  Well, it definitely wasn’t original (although it did call out several clichés) and the kills weren’t exactly grand (although some weren’t bad), and I wouldn’t exactly call it a welcome comeback, but it was okay.  Just okay.  It’s too soon to tell if it’ll age better, but the preceding entries certainly didn’t.  I didn’t hate it and if there’s anything positive I can say about it for now is that it was better than that other Nineties teen horror resurgence known as the I Know What You Did Last Summer TV series.  R.I.P.  Wes Craven.  1/21/2022

Scream:  Season Three                                               G

It took me until hearing of this season to finally sit down and watch this entire series I never got around to.  I do like the Wes Craven film series in which this is obviously based (well, I like Scream, the sequels were just okay with Scream 2 being my least fave), and even though Scary Movie parodied them, they themselves were parodies, or self-referential more appropriately, set up as thrillers.  Sometimes slasher movies overstay their welcome, so I wasn’t sure how a series with 40-plus minute episodes could sustain itself before becoming dull.  One character in the beginning of season one even mentions those very thoughts and I thought they would try to contradict that, but season one was a very drawn-out teen series with the occasional murder that I forced myself to continue watching and that’s never good.  Season Two contained the same characters (at least the survivors) and the same location with even more episodes, but somehow I liked it better because the characters grew on me and the episodes seemed to be a bit quicker (I also liked how each episode bore the title of a horror movie); there was even a “bonus” episode that felt like its own movie.  This season has different characters and a different location with fewer episodes (six; the first had ten and the second had thirteen).  If they changed characters and location this time, why wasn’t the second season different from the first or why wasn’t this season a continuation of the first two?  Whatever, I gave this a mild recommendation solely on the fact it was only six episodes and I liked most of the characters, but it’s really nothing special if you’ve seen the Scream movies and the other two seasons and enough slasher movies for that matter.  Like always though, why stop now if you made it this far?  It won’t take as long as the others to watch either.  You also don’t have to watch the first two seasons before this since it’s a different location and characters (like I said) and contains no references to them either.  F.Y.I.:  On Demand has the last two episodes out of order (at least it did for me), so make sure you watch the episode titled “Blindspots” before “Endgame.”  8/3/2019

Scream at the Devil                                                     EH/OK

The cover looks like another possession flick.  Not quite.  More possession of the mind.  The female protagonist has hallucinations (or are they?) after suffering miscarriages and retreating to an isolated house after visiting Italy.  There’s style aplenty with some nightmarish scenes but story structure and condensing the runtime were overlooked.  6/11/2016

Scream, Queen!  My Nightmare on Elm Street           OK/G

Documentary focusing on Mark Patton, the star of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2:  Freddy’s Revenge.  Now, I love the Wes Craven-helmed A Nightmare on Elm Street from 1984 and, while I don’t dislike any of the sequels, the only one that stands out for me is part three (Dream Warriors; ironically, Wes Craven co-wrote it).  Freddy Krueger just never was one of my favorite cinematic boogeymen.  The aforementioned sequel in question has become known as a gay horror film whether that was anyone’s initial intention or not.  Mark Patton is gay himself, but was still closeted upon its release in 1985, a time when being openly gay was still embarrassing and arguably dangerous (I was a teen during the Nineties and I can attest to society still being largely homophobic then).  I don’t remember thinking of it as a gay film when I first saw it, just simply another slasher film regardless of containing gay characters and/or subtexts (I was also still mostly in the closet and didn’t want to accept that part of myself).  You don’t necessarily need to have seen Freddy’s Revenge to watch this as it deals more with what Mark Patton has been up to since that film and his struggles of life as a gay man, particularly during his early years as an actor.  All that being said, I’m not sure who this film might particularly interest.  I could say it would interest horror fans, but not all horror fans like the A Nightmare on Elm Street series, let alone A Nightmare on Elm Street 2.  I could say it would interest gay men because it might resonate with them the most, but not all gay men like horror movies, let alone the A Nightmare on Elm Street movies, let alone A Nightmare on Elm Street 2.  Gay horror fans would likely be the most interested, but I never like to pigeonhole entertainment.  All that being said, you decide if you want to invest your time; I told you what it contains.  I, being a gay horror fan, liked it enough.  7/20/2020

Scream VI                                                                   G

Before the initial release, comparisons were made to Friday the 13^th Part VIII:  Jason Takes Manhattan due to both franchises (slasher ones) taking place in New York while the preceding entries did not (I don’t recall any nods to that film, but I could swear there were at least two to Jurassic Park).  Whereas this film took place entirely in the Big Apple, the Friday entry did not (not even half the time).  Jason Takes Manhattan is my least favorite of the Friday franchise (I don’t count the remake), but I didn’t feel that way about this entry for this franchise.  I liked it better than the fifth one released last year (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/01/last-night-in-sohoscream-2022.html) and some of the other sequels.  It follows some of the survivors from the previous film as they’re now in New York instead of Woodsboro.  In true slasher fashion, of course, they may live somewhere else, but Ghostface will follow (as Ghostface is always someone different behind the mask and can easily go anywhere in the world).  [You will need to have seen the other entries before this as there are spoilers, but, like always, why would you watch a sixth film in a series before watching the preceding ones?  My OCD would never allow it, even if some had nothing to do with the others].  Sure, some of this may be predictable (what do you expect from a slasher feature, meta or not, in 2023?) and I feel they held back on some of the violence, but they do still play around with the tropes at times, and considering how stale the subgenre is by now (hell, how stale movies in general are by now), I enjoyed it enough to recommend it.  As of now, a seventh entry isn’t confirmed and I’m not exactly sure there needs to be one, but I didn’t think a sixth entry for this franchise made in 2023 would be passable, so…4/26/2023

Sea Fever                                                                    G

Irish film involving a fishermen crew heading out to sea with a female college student tagging along (apparently redheads signify bad luck).  They eventually come across a creature that I can almost say is Lovecraftian, but not quite, maybe a cousin to The Old Ones, that attaches itself to the boat, releasing some kind of parasite.  Let’s just say it gradually gets worse for the passengers after that.  I’ve read about comparisons to John Carpenter’s The Thing (a film I find very overrated) and I can see where some might make an association.  I can also see comparisons (thematically) to another film with Fever in it, Eli Roth’s first film that was eventually remade horribly, but this is still kind of its own film despite feeling a bit derivative.  I can ultimately say I enjoyed this nautical sci-fi horror film that doesn’t feel like it takes up too much of your time.  6/29/2020

Searching                                                                    G

John Cho, who hasn’t aged since playing Harold going to White Castle for the first time or even since entering ‘MILF’ into society’s lexicon in American Pie, plays a father searching for his missing daughter.  Oh, and in case you haven’t seen any previews or heard anything about it, it takes place entirely on a computer screen via first-person POV that would look very familiar to anyone using a computer often (regardless of device).  Somehow it works too (at 100-plus minutes).  The final revelations should’ve been very obvious, but the film managed to be suspenseful enough to keep it from even crossing my mind.  It was surprisingly well thought out, proving there are still ways to tell conventional stories innovatively, or at least entertainingly.  If it’s any indication, there were a decent amount of people in the theater and not a peep could be heard the entire time.  9/9/2018

The Secret Life of Pets                                     OK/G

This one is more for the kiddies.  Funny at times, charming at times, ultimately feels too familiar.  Max is a cute little doggy, his words and mine.  1/8/2017

Secrets of Sulphur Springs (Season One)                    OK/G

(haiku review)

Decent mystery.

Involves time travel down South.

Fine for all ages.  10/25/2021

*11 episodes; available on Disney+*

Secrets of Sulphur Springs (Season Two)                   OK

(haiku review)

Only 8 eps. here.

Fine, but last one was better.

Clearly not over.  1/23/2022

*Available on Disney+.  Check out my haiku review for season one here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/10/oldahs-double-feature.html*

Serenity                                                                       G

This bears the same name as that 2005 movie based on the Firefly series (I, of course, hated it because I never watched Firefly), but this movie is quite different.  It involves a woman (played by Anne Hathaway) bribing a fisherman (played by Matthew McConaughey), whom she has a past and a son with, to murder her husband and make it look like an accident.  Sounds like a set-up for many a thriller we’ve all seen before, no?  This movie involves more than that though.  The revelations may not be too fresh, but it almost did feel fresh here and kind of worked in a slightly amateurish way.  I was kind of reminded of Identity, and if you saw that film and watch this, you might understand my comparison.  This wasn’t nearly as dark though, nor as good, but was still decent and generally well-thought out; surprisingly poignant too when all is said and done.  Proof you should always be your own critic (as I always emphasize) considering it only scored 19% based off 173 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.  5/1/2019

A Series of Unfortunate Events:  Season One             G

I have read all 13 books by Lemony Snicket in which this Netflix series is based.  It’s been a little over a decade, but I remember them being diverting, easy-to-read, and slightly educational for younger or uneducated readers by introducing big words and defining them.  I didn’t like them as much as Goosebumps or any other R.L. Stine series, but they were fun and forced me to keep checking them out from my local library until completion.  I don’t remember being a huge fan of the movie starring Jim Carrey, but I also remember it only covered mostly the first two books in the series.  This show is the better idea by allowing more room for each story.  Each episode is roughly between 45 minutes to an hour and this first season contains 8 episodes (2 per book) for the first four entries (The Bad Beginning, The Reptile Room, The Wide Window, The Miserable Mill).  Initially, I thought the appearance of Lemony Snicket (played by Patrick Warburton) narrating the series amongst the action would be a distraction, but he gradually just blends in with the narrative as the show goes on.  Plus, I recall him narrating the books so it doesn’t deviate from the source material.  I think I was more annoyed by Neil Patrick Harris’ character as Count Olaf more than anything which I believe was the intention to make him deplorable.  The series isn’t great (like the source material) but it’s momentarily entertaining (like the source material) and far from uplifting which is always refreshing to see in children’s entertainment.  It is called A Series of Unfortunate Events after all, and the narrator, here as well as in the books, continuously informs you to stop watching or reading if you like happy stories.  I wanted to keep watching at the end of the last episode so that’s always a good sign.  Incidentally, the second season is beginning shortly.  3/21/2018

A Series of Unfortunate Events:  Season Two OK/G

Luckily I didn’t get around to watching the first season until right before this season was recently released (I just reviewed the first season in my last blog).  Season one was released in the beginning of last year.  I don’t know if I can wait another year to watch season three because I hate not finishing what I started right away.  Yes, there will be a season three as it was confirmed and the last four books in the series are what it will consist of.  The first season covered the first four books while this season involved books 5 through 9 (The Austere Academy, The Ersatz Elevator, The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, The Carnivorous Carnival).  As I mentioned in the last review, I haven’t read the books in over a decade so I don’t remember a damn thing and I like not knowing what to expect each episode (two per book again totaling ten this time).  As long as you have a general understanding of the story---three orphans go from place to place with Count Olaf (played by Neil Patrick Harris) always appearing in disguise until the dense characters in each location realize the kids were telling the truth---you don’t necessarily need a refresher before each episode(s).  It still might be wise to watch from the beginning though since characters in previous installments reappear in later ones.  It does get a bit tiresome with Count Olaf always managing to evade authorities and whatnot before his eventual “unmasking” and ensuing escape each time.  I think I’d rather the orphans experienced hardships without the addition of Count Olaf but that’s not the way it was written.  Besides, I like how the action is always in a different location and there’re usually enough new characters and situations added.  I did want to continue at the end of each episode and wish I didn’t have to wait for season three (however long that may take).  It’s not the greatest series (this and season one) but it’s whimsically morbid fare the entire family can enjoy.  4/2/2018

A Series of Unfortunate Events:  Season Three           OK

Has it really been almost a year since season two premiered?  Well, nine months if you want to be exact, but it doesn’t even seem that long and it was still fresh in my memory where it left off.  For those with short-term memory, there is a recap before the first episode spanning from the beginning of season one to the end of season two.  This final season consists of seven episodes (none even an hour) covering the last four books in the series which this is based (The Slippery Slope, The Grim Grotto, The Penultimate Peril, The End).  You can read my reviews of the first two seasons in the archives (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com) because I don’t feel like repeating anything I’ve written in those.  The book series as well as this Netflix series is diverting at best, nothing spectacular and nothing entirely time-wasting either, and both seemed to be better during the first half.  This season was my least favorite as, much like how I remember the books, I seemed to continue just to finish what I started and couldn’t wait to finish, making it feel like a chore.  If you’ve been watching until now though, I can’t imagine why you would stop no matter what I say.  For those that haven’t been watching, I don’t see why you even read this review (unless you simply like reading reviews like I do).  1/3/2019

Serpent                                                                        OK/G

I was reminded of Backcountry while watching this.  Replace Canada with South Africa and replace a black bear with a black mamba though.  And unlike Backcountry, more than half this film takes place inside a tent where the couple is trapped with a black mamba.  If they stay calm, the snake stays calm as we’re informed.  It’s actually not as boring as it may sound being confined to one location with minimal action.  I won’t reveal whether the snake attacks someone or not, but I highly doubt any snake attack (however deadly) could ever rival or surpass the brutality of the bear attack in Backcountry.  If there’s a snake out there saying ‘hold my beer,’ I would love to stand corrected.  It’s a different kind of natural horror film and the outcome is slightly grim but, even as a simplistic story at roughly 82 minutes, it still felt mildly insufficient.  1/13/2018

Servant:  Season One                                                  G

I binged this 10-episode (all between 29 and 36 minutes) Apple TV series after reading it was streaming for free (hint:  if you don’t have an Apple ID, it’s free to create one), and I was only interested because M. Night Shyamalan’s name was attached (yes, I am a fan, considering the amount of his films I liked surpasses those I disliked, not counting the two he made before The Sixth Sense).  He’s just one of the many executive producers and only directed 2 episodes though.  In it, a young girl from Wisconsin comes to live with a couple in a multi-level home in Philadelphia to care for their newborn son while the mom is at work (as a news reporter) and the dad works at home (as a chef).  The kicker?  This newborn son is actually a doll (comparisons to The Boy may initially come up) since they lost the real baby and this is how the mom copes.  This servant girl plays right along though.  Something is clearly not right from the get-go.  Eventually a real baby appears in place of the doll, the dad occasionally has splinters appear on parts of his body, and a handmade cross (not wooden) appears in the girl’s room.  Is she a witch?  An investigation leading to her house in Wisconsin and the nearby cemetery suggest there’s something very sinister about this servant.  A random appearance by a strange relative of the girl further suggests something is clearly not right.  There is a whole lot of atmosphere to this series and they made great use of the multi-level home in which the majority of the story takes place.  The episodes generally go by pretty quickly too, and I actually wanted to continue as opposed to just finishing it, and for that, I’m recommending it.  I did expect a grander conclusion, but it wasn’t necessarily disappointing and I was able to take something from it, but I also felt there was more to the story left out.  Allegedly a second season is happening and M. Night supposedly envisions this lasting for 6 seasons, but that might be thinking too far ahead, so let’s just take it one season at a time…4/12/2020

Servant (season 2)                                                       OK

(haiku review)

Another ten eps.

Not as good as first season.

Not as intriguing.  3/19/2021

*Available on Apple+; check out my review of the first season here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/04/servant-season-one.html*

Servant (Seasons 3 & 4)                                              EH/OK

(haiku review)

One?  Fine.  The rest?  Meh.

Short eps., but not worth four runs.

Good thing it’s over.  6/9/2023

*Available on Apple+; 10 episodes per season.  You can check out my review for the first season in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/04/servant-season-one.html, and my haiku review for season two in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/03/pg-psycho-goreman.html*

Seven in Heaven                                                          G

This begins like a regular teen movie with the obligatory house party before becoming an “alternate reality” film with a hidden closet in a bedroom acting as the interdimensional portal.  [For those unaware, ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven’ traditionally involves a boy and girl going into a closet together for seven minutes if they refuse to make out during a party game, i.e. ‘Spin the Bottle’].  It’s similar to The Jacket in premise only whereas that film jumped between years while this film stayed on the same date in different parallel realities.  The reasoning behind the closet’s “gateway” ability is inexplicable, although an utterly preposterous theory is suggested (aren’t they usually in stories like this?) that it might as well be inexplicable.  I wish the premise was expanded upon, which it very well could’ve been, but I enjoyed this enough to warrant a recommendation.  Plus, it’s really well-shot with great use of lighting, especially red, and could very well pass as a dark Twilight Zone episode (feature length of course).  4/2/2019

Sewer Gators                                                              EH/OK

(haiku review)

Laughably bad?  Sure.

What the hell do you expect?

Barely an hour.  10/25/2022

Shaky Shivers                                                              EH/OK

Here’s an example of a film marred by the effects/creature designs.  The kicker?  They were all practical!  I always emphasize how much I abhor digital effects, but here’s proof that practical doesn’t always work.  I know, I know, there have always been crappy practical effects throughout the history of cinema long before the use of digital, even though I will always prefer them.  The story here takes place in Washington State during the early Nineties and is intended to be a throwback to the practical effects-laden horror-comedies of that time.  The directorial debut of Sung Kang (an actor from films like Better Luck Tomorrow, The Motel, and several of the Fast and the Furious movies), it follows two girls in their twenties that work at an ice cream shop and travel to an abandoned camp since one of them fears they’re about to turn into a werewolf after an encounter with a strange woman.  There are zombies and a certain cryptid as well.  The cryptid in question is one of the worst designs I’ve ever seen for it, and I personally just wasn’t a fan of the other effects (the zombie designs were too offbeat for me).  I know this was intended to be a fun throwback, but it often came across as too parodical, a type of comedy I was never truly a fan of, and I didn’t think I was going to watch a parody.  I actually thought it was more fun following the two girls work at the ice cream shop and converse about life, thinking I was going to love this movie at first.  Plus, the story ultimately falls short since not much is done with all the elements.  Sung, if you plan on directing more features, better luck tomorrow!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.  With a rewrite and better effects, this could’ve been the fun throwback it was intended to be.  12/10/2023

The Shallows                                                               VG

A theatrical shark film?  It has to be better than all the SyFy channel movies and direct-to-video cheese, right?  The answer is an emphatic yes!  This is the best natural horror shark movie I’ve seen in a very long time.  It might even be one of the best movies of the year thus far.  It is frightening, suspenseful and realistic above all.  This could happen.  In addition to contending with a shark, Blake Lively encounters coral reef, crabs and jellyfish.  At one point, she has to choose between swimming through a school of jellyfish over eventually becoming shark bait.  Desperate times they say (a dead whale is used for safety at first).  Beautiful scenery (set in Mexico but shot in Australia!) juxtaposed with the most realistic shark in recent memory.  Dive in!  6/25/2016

The Shape of Water                                                     OK

Guillermo del Toro most certainly has vision and is a unique individual.  He’s made notable films like The Devil’s Backbone, Pan’s Labyrinth, Crimson Peak, and even Hellboy.  Naturally, he’s made misfires like Pacific Rim and Hellboy II as well.  I wouldn’t say this latest offering is a misfire but it was definitely a disappointment, at least for me it was (221 out of 238 critics disagree as of this writing).  Guillermo has a keen eye for detail, especially for specific time periods, and he certainly doesn’t fail in that department for this film.  He stated in interviews that this movie’s intention was to show how he wished the relationship between the creature and Julia Adams would’ve been in Creature from the Black Lagoon.  I say he passed in making that happen too.  So why didn’t I love this film?  It lacks any ounce of originality other than containing an intercreature(?) romance in the same recycled plotline.  It’s another “Beauty and the Beast” story, although arguably both the woman and creature are the “beasts” in this world where humans are the real monsters (blah, blah, blah), with some E.T. sentiments thrown in.  I knew everything that was going to transpire and you’ll most likely as well if you’ve seen enough movies.  I really wanted to like this adult fairy tale more than I did and I can’t deny it has beautiful touches, but I also can’t deny that its overdone familiarity ultimately failed to move me.  12/19/2017  

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre                      OK

Yes, with a title like that you know I couldn’t bypass it.  Helmed by Jim Wynorksi, the purveyor of other stupid (yet awkwardly entertaining) shit (Curse of the Komodo, Camel Spiders) plus cult classics like Chopping Mall and Sorority House Massacre 2 (he actually has a pretty lengthy filmography but not quite near Roger Corman yet), this film featuring hot babes battling a below-average creature concoction is actually not that bad.  The sharkosaurus (yes really, it has spikes on it and the ability to swim on land too) emerges from underneath the ground following a fracking accident.  We really don’t get to see any deaths since the camera cuts away right before the shark attacks in a cloud of water, or dirt if on land.  That might’ve been a smart move since the shark looked mediocre from the side.  The only glimpse we get, other than the fin, is the standard shark mouth opened wide before attacking one victim.  The female prisoners squabble as expected and end up in the woods with an officer hostage plus two other men escaping the sharks (there’s six according to one observation).  Being hazardous on land surely makes it more suspenseful but this is still a turn-your-brain-off-and-enjoy-the-idiocy film.  If you don’t know that before watching a movie with that title, you’ll probably be disappointed.  My favorite line is when a guy mentions vibrations in regards to the fracking and one of the women asks “Good vibrations?  Like the song?”  How original!  Traci Lords doesn’t seem to age either; she looks no different than The Tommyknockers days.  1/23/2017

Shark Bait                                                                   OK

Must be summertime if another shark attack movie is released!  Not necessarily true, but many are released during this time and this season seems to be the most fitting (lol) to watch them.  As long as these movies are going to be made, people like me (that love horror, that love sharks, that love movies) are going to watch them!  Granted, none of them will ever be Jaws, but some of them end up being very good (The Shallows, Open Water), decent (47 Meters Down and its sequel, The Reef), disappointing (The Meg, Great White), and awful (too many to count).  I’m not sure where to stick this one in any of those categories; it definitely wasn’t great, it wasn’t quite decent, I can’t say it was disappointing because I wasn’t expecting much, and I can’t go so far as saying it was awful.  My OK rating is for those that like shark movies and are looking for something new to watch without expecting something grand, because, realistically, I should’ve probably rated it a little less.  Like I said though, it wasn’t awful; there are a few notable moments scattered throughout, but it ultimately doesn’t stand out from many of its ilk.  A group of five people from Kansas are vacationing in some Spanish-speaking area (I don’t remember hearing from where, although it was filmed in Malta) and decide to take two unattended jet skis out in the ocean for a short period of time in the early morning.  It’s all fun and games until an accident causes them to be stranded in the middle of the ocean with (of course) no signal on any cell phones and no one knowing they’re out there.  Eventually a toothy predator appears and makes a meal out of whomever it can.  You know the drill (if you watch shark movies, that is).  Sometimes it’s predictable, yes, sometimes there are scenes that drag (even for a barely 85-minute film), and I actually laughed out loud what befell the shark at the end, enabling a potential victim to escape (I’m not sure if my response was intentional or not either).  Again, I didn’t hate it, but I likely will never watch it again and forget about it, as I feel all you fellow sharksploitation lovers will feel too after you watch it (and I know you probably will).  7/17/2022

Shark Exorcist                                                             B/EH

Satan with Jaws.  What an awesome tagline.  Satan embodying a shark.  What an awesome idea.  What a terrible movie.  The fake shark with yellow eyes is actually “okay” and gets a C- passing grade.  A major editing problem exists here.  People appear to be attacked before the shark is even near.  You see the shark swim up after the victims start thrashing.  There’s also some poorly-executed and nonsensical Exorcist homage’s (hence the Exorcist part of the title) happening in between.  I’m all for cheesiness (as anyone that knows me will attest to) but I expect to enjoy it and for some effort to be involved.  The idea and beginnings of a gnarly constructed shark are the only things this has going for it.  Also, there’s a 10-minute post-credits sequence involving a young girl marveling over stuffed sharks in an aquarium, ending with her spewing orange liquid outside a building.  My only guess:  To reiterate you just watched a pointless movie involving sharks and exorcism?  2/6/2017

Shark Lake                                                                  OK

Dolph Lundgren in a movie called Shark Lake?  Did I like it?  Kinda.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Pros:  Well-shot.  Bloody at times.  Cared for the characters.  Effective homages to films like Jaws and Open Water.  Excellent underwater footage.  Cons:  Interspersing real footage with not-so-good CGI at times…I dislike cinematic creatures that look bad.  I don’t always expect realistic but I can forgive it if it looks good.  Jaws wasn’t entirely realistic but worked and was scary as hell.  Amazing how Jaws still looks better than any modern movie shark over 40 years later!  Back to the cons:  Lengthy boring parts.  Not enough shark action or too sporadic.  Looks like the pros outweigh the cons.  While it’s not the two aforementioned films, it’s certainly better than most Syfy channel entries and countless other “sharksploitation” flicks including the recent hybrid trend.  If you’re a fan of Natural Horror, give it a shot; otherwise I don’t know why you would bother with a movie called Shark Lake starring Dolph Lundgren.  5/7/2016

Sharknado 3:  Oh Hell No!                                         OK/G

Oh Hell Yes!  One of the most asinine concepts has managed to become a trilogy!  The fact you would take the time to watch part three of this franchise means you somewhat enjoyed the previous installments.  That, or you just want to say you watched it; or you didn’t enjoy the first two and curiosity took the better.  If you enjoyed Sharknado and Sharknado 2: The Second One, and I slightly did, you should find enough to enjoy here.  It delivers exactly what you would expect (for the third time) but the series should end here, lest the “guilty pleasure” will no longer be a pleasure.  4/12/2016

Sharknado:  The 4^th Awakens                                     OK

Well, here we go again!  Here’s a portion of my Sharknado 3 review a couple months ago:  It delivers exactly what you would expect (for the third time) but the series should end here, lest the “guilty pleasure” will no longer be a pleasure.  Well, the guilty pleasure may be dimming but considering a fourth one was made and I’m reviewing it, says a whole lot.  Basically, the beginning and end are awesome with the middle being filler.  Innumerous cameos abound like usual.  There’s several references to The Wizard of Oz and a too-cheeky-for-its-own-good nod to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (with Caroline Williams from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 no less).  Sharknados aren’t the only thing our heroes have to battle.  This time there’s bouldernados, oilnados, lavanados, lightningnados, cownados (yes, seriously) and other ‘nados.  Inevitably, the ending left it open for a 5^th.  I made it this far so if they keep making them, I’m gonna keep watching.  8/6/2016

Sharknado 5:  Global Swarming                                EH

Well, well, well.  Five Sharknado movies have been made.  I will admit that the first three were fun for what they were.  There’s not much you can expect from movies about sharks flying and killing in tornadoes.  The fourth one added other kinds of ‘nados since sharknados weren’t too original anymore…I guess.  The cheeky fun began to wear thin with the fourth one as well and this one was my least favorite so far.  Funny, I actually have favorites for a franchise like this.  I just wasn’t feeling it this time.  The only novel thing added was a massive shark comprised of sharks (Sharkzilla I think it was called), but even that was short-lasting and kind of corny looking.  I don’t mean to spoil anything, but a sixth one is already planned since a new storyline has been hinted at before ‘To Be Continued’ sprawled across the screen at the end.  Yes, I will keep watching until they decide to stop making them.  Perhaps people like me that keep watching are the reason they keep getting made?  1/8/2018

Sharks of the Corn                                                      EH

Obviously the title is a reference to another film (franchise really) ending in “of the Corn.”  In an even less subtle move, Steven Kang’s is atop the title!  I looked at the entire cast and crew information and found no one with that name, or pseudonym.  I even Googled the name and other names with different spelling came up.  Interestingly, Tim Ritter, the director, also made that crazy 80’s film, Truth or Dare?:  A Critical Madness, which I rented on VHS ages ago and didn’t know until I did my aforementioned research.  Anyway, watching a movie called Sharks of the Corn (Steven Kang’s Sharks of the Corn, at that) and having seen a trailer before, I knew not to have the highest expectations going in.  By the way, I didn’t recall any references/homages to any Children of the Corn film, nor any shark film for that matter, unless they all went over my head (you do get to hear some tidbits on great whites though).  The film involves exactly what you think it does---there are sharks in a cornfield somewhere in Kentucky (geez, all they had to do was set it in Nebraska to be even less subtle!).  Obviously, since it’s a 105-minute movie (yes, really), the film can’t entirely consist of sharks eating people in a cornfield; Bigfoot and mob dealings are some of the other things involved.  Now, I can forgive a movie featuring an entirely asinine concept if it was actually fun.  This started out like it could’ve been fun; unsurprisingly, the shark attacks were poorly executed (there is blood though) and they didn’t even try hard at all with the look of the shark in the cornfield, and, frankly, I was bored more often than I should’ve been; I don’t think that 105-minute run-time was necessary.  At least I allowed myself to wait until it was free to watch, because I was considering renting it for a price for a while, and, had I done so, I would’ve been even more disappointed than I already was!  8/3/2021

The Shed                                                                     OK/G

Starting off with a vampire attack in which the vampire itself looks like it stumbled off the set of Salem’s Lot (the 1979 version, mind you, even though I don’t have too many nitpickings with either that or the 2004 version), I thought I was going to love this movie.  Well, as you can probably guess by my past-tense hints, I didn’t exactly love it.  I definitely didn’t dislike it either.  I liked the main character and the film’s simplistic attempts, but I don’t think it should’ve been as long as it was, or maybe even a feature-length film at all.  It’s fairly standard for a while---someone wanders into or near the titular shed and they get attacked by the vampire that took shelter in it after being bitten by the aforementioned Salem’s Lot-ish vampire right before dawn (because you know what happens to vampires in the sunlight; at least ones that don’t sparkle).  It does switch things up a bit by simultaneously being a teen movie with bullies and whatnot, and when the action moves into the house at the end and our protagonist has more than the “shed vamp” to contend with.  Much like the aforementioned Stephen King-adapted vampire tale (I’m mainly referring to the 1979 version), this wasn’t one of the best vampire films I’ve seen, but it’s absolutely still watchable.  11/27/2019

Sheep & Wolves                                                          B

Two traditionally warring groups stay in their own territories (eye rolls).  Here, as you may conclude, it’s sheep and wolves.  Someone from one side is suddenly condemned to live as one from the other side (eye rolls).  A wolf literally becomes a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.”  Both groups eventually learn they can get along (eye rolls and blah, blah, blah).  This offered absolutely nothing new and the animation is terrible.  I sensed bits of The Lion King thrown in too.  I hated this uninspired Russian animation (you needn’t worry about subtitles if you actually plan on watching since it has been made into an English version).  6/1/2018

Shelley                                                                         EH

Rosemary’s Baby much?  They all try to emulate Roman Polanski’s masterpiece but none ever came close to equating it.  This Danish movie is no exception.  There’s just a bit more explicit sex.  Slow.  Forgettable.  4/23/2017

Shin Godzilla                                                               EH

I guess this is a modern reimagining or remake.  It takes place in Japan and features a giant creature monikered Godzilla or Gojira depending on the language.  I was never a huge fan of the giant lizard franchise but I can appreciate them and I’ll watch some of the movies.  Anything horror, sci-fi or creature feature related will always whet my curiosity.  I didn’t much care for the monster in this adaptation.  If I don’t like the creature in a creature feature, the movie is surely doomed.  The behemoth was more anatomical with the power to evolve and has a couple tricks up its sleeve.  The highlight of the film for me was when Godzilla caused some damage by utilizing one of these abilities.  Still, it was too little in a 2-hour film that’s 80% exposition and dialogue pertaining to defeating this monster.  Fans don’t care about all the yakking already in every other movie of this type, they just want to see some action!  Godzilla-philes might enjoy this entry but those with even just a passing interest probably won’t give a shit.  8/21/2017

Shortcut                                                                       OK

A handful of teenagers are riding on a bus in the countryside before being hijacked by an escaped prisoner with a gun after the driver takes a (you guessed it…) shortcut.  [It’s an Italian film, but the accents say it might be England or Scotland or somewhere in that region; it’s not really important wherever it takes place though].  The prisoner is the least of their worries when they eventually come across a creature that resembles an alien vampire (imagine a distorted version of the vampire in The Night Flier, an underrated Stephen King adaptation AND vampire movie).  Comparisons to Jeepers Creepers 2 are inevitable at first (I saw at least one Rotten Tomatoes reviewer mention it), but the action eventually exits the bus as the characters escape to an underground facility nearby.  The first half of this film seemed promising; the second half is where it loses steam and gets a bit lame.  I didn’t dislike this film, it was okay (hence my rating), it just wasn’t ultimately as fun as other creature features of yesteryear.  1/4/2021

Shot                                                                             EH/OK

Noah Wyle starred in the medical show, ER, and ironically ends up in the ER in this film.  None of the events in this movie would’ve occurred if only bullying didn’t exist!  A bullied teen attempts to get a gun when it accidentally shoots Noah Wyle’s character.  Of course the kid flees out of fear but obviously feels bad about it.  If he turns himself in, the gun would trace back to the dealer (which happens to be his cousin) while his mother informs him his life would be over since he’s brown.  Noah does end up in a wheelchair and has to undergo physical therapy.  His life was obviously ruined, his ex-wife’s life was affected, and the young kid is wrecked with guilt.  I’m guessing the intent was to show that guns ruin more than one life?  Bottom line, guns will never truly disappear no matter what people try to impose and lives will always be destroyed by people that use them.  I know, other weapons kill people too but the topic of conversation here is guns.  When the kid eventually does confront the victim and confesses, it plays out exactly how one would expect.  What’s done is done and there’s no point in crying over spilled milk.  Even if the old ‘eye for an eye’ makes you feel better, it’s not going to change what already happened.  I get it.  I’ve also gotten it many times before.  2/17/2018

Show Me Love                                                             G

I strongly dislike when gay people end up with their crushes in movies.  It gives it too much of a fairy (pun intended) tale aspect.  It especially seemed unreal in this Swedish film where the pretty (presumably straight) popular girl ends up with the awkward (initially closeted) unpopular girl that had a crush on her.  It almost seemed fate was in the unpopular girl’s favor however complicated the relationship may have been.  It was in the late ‘90’s too when homosexuality still wasn’t fully acceptable nor common.  The pretty girl even claims at one time that she might become a lesbian since “men are gross,” illustrating the experimental bi-curious phase women began doing around that time.  I think coming out stories on screen should be more realistic, or I wish life would be more like the movies.  Don’t we all though, gay or straight?  Straight people don’t even end up with their crushes in real life.  It’s harder for gay people since we never know who else is gay unless they’re open or stereotypical.  Aside from everything mentioned, this coming-of-age independent film has a very engaging quality akin to Welcome to the Dollhouse that I enjoyed in its entirety.  6/19/2017

Shudder Guides                                                           G

(haiku review)

Five five-minute eps.

Horror subgenres discussed.

Brief and to the point.  4/29/2021

*Obviously available on Shudder*

Shut In                                                                         OK

As of now, and before seeing it, this has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  That’s why I was hoping I’d like it.  I figured out the twist right away.  I’ve seen too many movies to not figure out several outcomes for modern movies.  The reasoning behind the twist does make for a compelling psychological drama albeit a slightly twisted one.  Creepy houses especially surrounded by woods always get to me too.  Ironically, that’s my idea of a dream home; I like woods (I’m equally fascinated and frightened by them).  Anyway, while I don’t share the overall disdain as my fellow critics, I’m not entirely recommending it.  You don’t need to see it on the big screen, even during bargain times.  Wait to rent it from Redbox for $1.50 or free with a complimentary code, or get it through Netflix (most plans probably equal a little over $1 a movie if you return them regularly).  11/15/2016

Sierra Burgess is a Loser                                            OK/G

A mean girl intentionally gives out a “loser” girl’s number (Sierra Burgess maybe?) to a guy asking for her number.  The guy begins texting the “loser” girl thinking it’s the hot mean girl while she plays along and I’m sure you can imagine any complications that might ensue.  Sounds like a recycled plotline and it is very derivative of teen movies from the Eighties until now---I’ve noticed traces of She’s All That, Can’t Hardly Wait, Mean Girls, among others---but I actually liked this new Netflix teen rom-com more than I thought I would.  I didn’t love it, it’s still flawed and by that I mean clichéd (the mean girl is the way she is because she herself is hurting---blah, blah, blah; fights, makeups, everything expected from these movies; the girl ends up with the guy in typical Hollywood teen rom-com fashion because beauty comes from within---*eye roll*), but I somehow didn’t mind this one and enjoyed it much more than the last Netflix teen rom-com, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, which ironically starred the same male lead as this.  9/9/2018

Sightings                                                                      OK/G

This low-budget, under-the-radar film was actually better than I thought it would be.  The title has a double meaning.  The plot involves Bigfoot but an interesting theory is presented connecting the cryptid being with aliens that I’ve never heard or seen before.  Points for that.  I just wish it was fleshed out more.  I have other reservations with the film too.  The creature appeared to be practical but we only get to see its lower half.  If the characters get to see its entirety, why can’t we?  I was reminded of the great Tales from the Cryptkeeper episode, ‘Grounds for Horror,’ in that regard.  Unless the budget was so low and they didn’t want the film ruined by something resembling Harry (and the Hendersons), I guess part of me wants to see how a practical Sasquatch looks each time.  I guess I wanted more creature violence too.  Oh, and ‘Rufio’ has a part (all you Hook fans) and doesn’t look any different other than being slightly heavier.  Not bad like I said, just missing something.  1/8/2018

The Silence                                                                  OK

Another post-apocalyptic film?!  A Quiet Place, Bird Box, Ravenous, and How It Ends are just a few of the many recent titles coming to mind.  This one, available on Netflix like three of those films, stars Stanley Tucci and “Sabrina” (Kiernan Shipka) and is based on a book by Tim Lebbon, an author whom I’ve read several titles of, not this one.  It resembles A Quiet Place the most as the creatures here are attracted to sound and can’t see.  (Like I wondered in A Quiet Place, how do these people go to the bathroom if they have to worry about noise?).  The creatures in this film, called Vesps, resemble Pterodactyls with the mouth of a T-Rex (kinda).  In other words, they can tear you apart as evidenced at times.  I didn’t hate them but still think they belonged in a subpar SyFy channel movie.  I did like them better than the creatures in A Quiet Place which, if you recall from my review (if not, check out my archives at www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), was what ruined A Quiet Place for me.  As for whether you should spend time watching this particular post-apocalyptic film, I’m not entirely sure.  If you love post-apocalyptic films as a subgenre, are a fan of Tim Lebbon or “Sabrina,” I’d say go ahead.  I, for one, didn’t hate it, thought a few parts were actually cleverly written, and might’ve enjoyed it more than A Quiet Place (I also didn’t expect much from this entry either), but I don’t think I’ll watch it again.  Also, I thought it was a bit short, but I’m unsure if that’s actually a criticism because had it been longer, I might’ve complained about that.  4/15/2019

Silent Night                                                                  G

No, this isn’t the 2012 remake/reimagining of Silent Night, Deadly Night; there are a couple movies with this title actually.  This is a new Christmas horror drama that contains no murderer in a Santa suit, but does contain a killer of a different sort.  A family in the U.K. gets together for Christmas and the inevitable bickering ensues amongst them, as can be expected in these films (and in real life).  What’s different about this holiday though is that an airborne poison is slowly making its way towards them and they will all be dead by morning (one theorizes it came from the Russians and another speculates it’s the Earth taking its revenge on humans).  There is no escape from it and everyone (except for certain people) was provided with a pill to ingest to go peacefully instead of slowly and painfully.  This isn’t quite like any other Christmas movie I recall seeing, it being pre-apocalyptic, feeling like a typical holiday drama, just with a grim air to the entire proceedings.  In other words, this isn’t a jolly holiday feature that’ll put you in good spirits.  My kind of movie!  I do like family holiday films, yes, but this film is a breath of fresh air (lol) amongst the majority of sappy, recycled holiday fare released.  I don’t remember a single moment when I didn’t want to watch it despite being fairly straightforward; the very end was possibly the only curveball thrown, which was kind of expected, but might cause discussions and get you pondering even after the credits roll.  Happy holidays!  12/10/2021

Silent Night, Bloody Night 2:  Revival             EH/OK

The 1972 film, Silent Night, Bloody Night, was never one of my favorites, as a horror film and/or holiday one (not to be confused with Silent Night, Deadly Night, a holiday horror film I am a fan of).  I don’t dislike it, I saw it a couple times (even re-watching before this), and it does contain a double axe murder that was likely edgy for its time; it’s one of those wherein the script is better than the visual aspect.  I pretty much felt the same way about this sequel released in 2015 (I know not how it bypassed me all these years).  Now, if you’ve never seen the first film (both are available on Tubi), you might not need to before this since, much like the first sequel to Silent Night, Deadly Night, a large portion of it is presented in flashbacks here (you might be able to kill two birds by just watching this one, even though the first one is better).  As for the parts of this roughly 90-minute film that aren’t flashbacks, it’s barely average at best, much like Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.  I mean, I can never go wrong with a holiday horror movie; I just wish more effort was put forth considering there were more resources and leniency in 2015 than 1972.  If they were trying to replicate the look/quality of the first film (which has a gritty appeal), they succeeded there since it felt like it could’ve been made not long afterwards (not counting the modern references, of course).  That aforementioned double axe murder (which was mostly off-screen; it was 1972!) was better executed than the majority of violence here; one involving a drunk Santa comes to mind the most.  The acting was horrendous here too; yes, worse than the first round.  Unnecessary sequel?  Well, it was made over 40 years later and presents a large portion of its predecessor in flashback (at least all the important parts), its predecessor not being great to begin with.  It’s a shame when scripts are better than the visual representation; these two films combined definitely make a compelling, at times disturbing, story.  Happy horrordays!  12/5/2022

A Simple Favor                                                           OK

This begins like a big-budget Lifetime movie with foul language added before incorporating a few Hitchcockian twists (one of them I figured out right away; yes, some of us have seen lots of movies through the years).  It was more or less a black comedy, or maybe a comedy period; the audience laughed quite a bit and the statements before the end credits explaining where some of the characters ended up belonged in a parody, or a general comedy.  I thought I was going to see a thriller before watching this!  Paul Feig, the director behind mainly comedies, clearly wasn’t ready to tackle a straight thriller.  After the aforementioned predictable twist and everything coming to light, it goes down Wild Things territory for a bit and tries to sidestep conventions with its self-awareness but ultimately feels, well, conventional (meaning not very original).  Diabolique was even mentioned by a character at one time (hmm…).  The performances are great but there’ve always been lots of great performances in not-so-great material, so that alone is never necessarily a reason to recommend a title.  Not worth seeing in the theater; only cheap on DVD or on TV if there’s nothing else to watch and you want to see a new movie (at least in title); or if you happen to like Blake Lively, Anna Kendrick, or that “crazy rich Asian” dude (who is actually only half-Asian).  9/15/2018

Sing                                                                             OK

This reminded me of Zootopia since different animals lived like humans.  I liked Zootopia but Kubo and the Two Strings deserved best animated picture much more.  Anyway, unlike Zootopia, there doesn’t appear to be any prejudice in this world, they compete in a singing competition.  I know it’s hard to be original these days, but if I roll my eyes at clichés like I did several times here, that’s not a very good sign.  Examples:  The gorilla that doesn’t want to be in the family business, embarrasses/upsets his Dad, sings in the competition, Dad is proud after hearing him.  The shy elephant that sings well but has stage fright, forced to sing at the end…she might steal the show making everyone stand up and cheer.  I hope I didn’t spoil it for anyone.  It’s fun at times and the little ones unaware of clichés will probably enjoy, but I don’t think anyone else will be impressed.  4/1/2017

Siren                                                                            G

A spinoff that’s actually good.  Originally a segment in V/H/S/ featuring the titular creature.  We’re presented with the origins of the winged demon that paralyzes and kills men after singing.  Usually when someone promises a better “hotspot” that’s exclusive and located away from civilization, it doesn’t end well.  I generally enjoyed this movie though.  There’s a considerable sense of dread.  The first V/H/S/ wasn’t the best anthology to begin with.  Perhaps other segments will get expansions?  12/7/2016

Sisu                                                                              G

Finland.  1944.  One man slaughters a bunch of Nazis.  That’s basically the gist of it, but it’s actually quite entertaining for such a simple premise.  It’s violent when it wants to be, oh yes.  I sensed a bit of a Tarantino vibe.  The ending felt abrupt (could be I didn’t want it to be over), but everything happened that needed to.  [For those that may care, there’re only a few subtitles at the end; the rest of the movie didn’t appear dubbed either].  7/16/2023

The Sitter                                                                     OK/G

What a generic AF title!  Sounds like the title of many babysitter-in-peril films.  A search on All Movie came up with at least four similar titles, one being that stupid comedy starring Jonah Hill.  The original U.K. title for this was Charlotte Wakes.  That sounds kind of dumb too.  Anyway, a girl takes a job house sitting a couple’s huge isolated house for a long weekend.  Sound familiar?  It actually reminded me of The Boy in the sense she’s all alone in a huge house babysitting a non-human (here, a cat), as well as another movie I won’t mention lest I give something away (which I actually figured out after a bit).  There was also a direct reference to Rosemary’s Baby in one scene.  When all is said and done, it was kind of exactly like that film I won’t mention (ask me and I’ll tell), only this didn’t take place in the Seventies and there was no pizza involved.  You know what though?  This low-budget film was actually eerily foreboding for a while and wasn’t quite like typical babysitter-in-peril films.  Sure, there’re faults---certain rooms of this big house didn’t have electricity?, people still investigate strange noises at night instead of waiting until morning?, people sneak into a house without knocking or ringing the bell which causes a false alarm---but nowadays it’s tough to avoid all of them and it really doesn’t get predictable until the end.  I did like that film I won’t mention better, but this babysitter-in-peril entry was okay too.  If you watch this via DVD (it’s available at Redbox as of now), there’s an 11-minute film called Night Land as an extra feature that’s delightfully eerie---I give that a G rating.  9/27/2018

Six-String Samurai                                                      OK/G

I knew not of this 1998 film until I recently saw an ad for it in the latest issue of Fangoria.  It is not a horror movie by any means despite being featured in that magazine.  I guess it became a bit of a “cult” movie, even though that label is arguably subjective.  It takes place in a Mad Max-type America that became that way since 1957.  The titular protagonist (yes, he carries a guitar and sword) is on his way to “Lost Vegas” in order to become the new Elvis (I, personally, think Jeffrey Falcon is better looking than “The King” here; I don’t know how he looks now).  A little boy follows him all the way and many battles ensue with other groups of people.  This film could’ve been a whole lot sillier than it was, and it is very dopey at times, but it still manages to be somewhat entertaining.  I wonder if Quentin Tarantino was inspired a bit by it in regards to Kill Bill considering this came out five years before Volume 1.  4/14/2021

65                                                                                OK

With a title like that in a movie involving dinosaurs I don’t think I need to tell you when this takes place (hint---it’s not the future).  There actually is a plot---Adam Driver plays a man that must travel across an unfamiliar terrain with the daughter of two other passengers that perished when their ship crashed in order to get back home.  There is dino action, sure, but I didn’t think there was enough (the best being saved for last).  Perhaps I just wanted more, expected more (it’s also a secondhand father-daughter tale of sorts).  Obviously two primary human characters can’t be killed off, so don’t expect any human deaths by dinosaurs.  And whereas the dinos in the Jurassic films looked more tangible, most of the ones here looked like they belonged in a videogame.  Perhaps this looked better on paper?  Possibly.  The setting was nice to look at though.  It may not be the worst dinosaur action film I’ve seen, but it’s certainly no Jurassic Park/World either…5/30/2023

Skate Kitchen                                                              OK

Slice-of-life film centering on a Latina skateboarder from Long Island making friends with other female skateboarders from New York City.  It begins very much like a feminist film showcasing women in a traditionally male world, but then becomes just a regular coming-of-age film about someone trying to find their place in the world and unsure of where they truly fit in.  Mom doesn’t approve of her lifestyle, friends bicker over jealousy issues, blah, blah, blah.  Frankly, I got bored too.  It tries to be Kids at times as well, but don’t all modern slice-of-life-ish movies involving disruptive youth in the inner city or anywhere for that matter?  (Yes, Larry Clark’s debut was very groundbreaking).  I didn’t mind this movie, it just didn’t resonate with me too much, and as I’ve referenced before in the words of the late Roger Ebert, “life is too short to see movies that are just okay.”  On a side note, there is actually a rather good use of a harmonica in a rap.  11/21/2018

Skinamarink                                                                EH/OK

I didn’t watch any trailers beforehand; just saw images and what others (particularly horror fans) have said and those alone made me want to see it.  Turned out images are all you need to see anyhow to get a gist of what to expect.  All it primarily entails is lowly-lit interior shots of a house at night and what’s contained within.  It takes place in 1995 and there are two young kids, a boy and a girl (their parents appear, disappear, and reappear randomly like other items).  You catch glimpses of them, see their legs walking and such, and you hear them talking, but never get to know them on an intimate level.  A traditional narrative this is not.  It is as arty as arty gets.  Put it this way, if you don’t like the style within the first five minutes, I don’t think you’ll want to continue since it doesn’t change during the entire 100-minutes; it does get more and more bizarre though.  This is a classic example of a film that’s “not for everyone.”  Someone labeled it as akin to “Home Alone in Hell,”  which makes it sound cooler than it is, but I could sort of see the description---there are two kids seemingly home alone, there being no burglars, but there is some type of presence in this abode with them.  Someone else described it as if David Lynch directed Poltergeist, and I get that too, but this is even more experimental than the average Lynch project (at least we get to know the characters more intimately in his works).  I ultimately had a like-hate relationship with it.  It did have a strange way of making me want to continue (as any “innovative” feature likely would) and there are some eerie moments, and it didn’t really seem like 100-minutes when finished, but style obviously trumps substance and experimentation can only go so far.  There is substance buried within though.  I’d be curious to see the same movie presented in a typical narrative form, one, to see how much different it would be, and, two, to see which version is more effective.  2/5/2023

Skull Island (Season One)                                           EH/OK

(haiku review)

Pros?  Short episodes.

Cons?  Series more lame than not.

Not over either!  6/26/2023

*Netflix; 8 episodes*

Slacker                                                                                    B

I finally got around to seeing this Richard Linklater film from 1991.  Sadly, I wasn’t a fan.  This is independent cinema in the vein of The ABCs of Death.  What’s the point of watching countless brief vignettes in which we have zero time to invest in the characters and their situations?  Why should I or anyone care?  Each character(s) came and went and I could’ve cared less about any of them.  Perhaps I might’ve enjoyed it more if Richard made an anthology TV series with each episode revolving around a different character.  A half-hour (or 22 minutes with commercials) should be ample time to form a general understanding of people.  100 minutes is too long to watch snippets of characters I don’t truly get to meet.  This might’ve been innovative in 1991 but innovative doesn’t equal compelling.  Luckily Mr. Linklater redeemed himself two years later with Dazed and Confused, which is arguably the best teen movie of all time.  8/6/2017

Slash/Back                                                                   OK/G

You’ll be reminded of John Carpenter’s The Thing initially, and one character even describes moments from that film.  Luckily it isn’t too much like it though, a film I find overrated.  I was also reminded of flicks like Slither and Attack the Block, more so the latter; this film involves a group of young girls from an Inuit community in the Arctic called Pang (short for a longer name) banding together to save their town from an alien invasion.  I liked it better as a coming-of-age story, especially since it represents a community we don’t often see in narrative form.  The effects are CGI, but we don’t see too much of it and they actually aren’t awful (the main reason I’m not a fan of John Carpenter’s The Thing is the way the effects look, even though they were practical).  All in all, not a bad addition to the alien invasion subgenre; it just needed a little more meat on its bones and seemed like it ended too soon.  11/18/2022

Slasher:  Season One                                                  G

I finally got around to watching this show (an anthology series like that of American Horror Story or True Detective) I put on my long list of ‘to-watch’ titles, thanks to social media for reminding me of it.  In the beginning, I wondered how an 8-episode series (available on Netflix) being generally 43 minutes each (almost 6 hours!) could effectively sustain itself considering a slasher film under 90 minutes overstays its welcome half the time, if not more than.  Well, as you can see by my rating, it did work and characterization was a big factor in making that happen.  Characterization is very important to a slasher feature as we typically spend more time with the potential victims than the villain.  If they only focused on the kills (as impressive as they may be), the film would be no more than 15 minutes and completely lack characterization, making it more akin to a snuff film.  Part of the fun in the Friday the 13^th films, in addition to Jason Voorhees and all his kills, are the many characters we get to meet before all but one (or two sometimes) meet their demise.  This series takes place in a small town called Waterbury where a young woman returns with her husband to the house her parents were murdered in almost 30 years prior (which is one of the first scenes you see).  Being it’s a small town, everyone pretty much knows everyone and most people have secrets.  There are a good deal of characters and we get to know them all well enough regardless of how early they bite it.  There’s enough to keep you occupied, regardless of originality, which made me binge-watch the entire season in less than 24 hours.  And there is violence, not often, but quite gory at times.  I did figure out who the killer was fairly early, but, come on, I’ve seen enough of these to pay attention to every character.  Also, as I know I’ve mentioned before, I don’t really care who the person behind the mask is as long as I enjoy the rest of it (as I mostly did here).  Plus, the killer usually isn’t revealed until the end (here, it’s the end of the 7^th episode), so we have to be occupied before that, otherwise it’ll be a dull movie or TV show (which this surprisingly wasn’t).  On to season two (see below) and season three is premiering this week as of this writing, so it looks like I chose a good time to begin this series, as should other slasher fans who haven’t yet!  5/19/2019

Slasher:  Season Two                                                  OK

Well, like many sequels (even though this is an anthology series), this season wasn’t as good as the first (see above).  I definitely didn’t hate it though and don’t regret watching it, and I still binge-watched it in one day like I did the first.  The episodes were a bit longer this time (roughly ten minutes give or take) and the characterizations weren’t always as captivating; some I didn’t get to know well enough, some I could care less about (not uncommon for a slasher feature though).  The setting was more fitting this time for a general slasher---a former camp, now a commune, isolated, transportation destroyed (gas siphoned from vehicles), communication cut off (I believe this took place in the past as I don’t recall cell phones), too far to walk due to the cold---but I got bored more than once (must’ve been those extra ten minutes!).  It takes place in the present at the (now) commune, but there are many flashbacks to when it was a camp five years prior and a group of camp counselors (now at the commune) were responsible for a murder.  I think it would’ve been better if the story took place during camp to feel more slasher-y, but the creators sort of managed to make it work the finalized way.  The deaths are definitely gorier, making at least one of the “sequel rules” from Scream 2 true here (the deaths are more elaborate in sequels), but, like I said, this isn’t a sequel and the only connection to season one was the re-appearance of some of the performers (not characters).  I actually didn’t figure out the killer this time, but when they were revealed (at the end of episode 6), it was simply a ‘whatever’ reaction.  There was a twist though that took me by surprise, not fresh, but I didn’t expect it here, and it ironically brought to mind the original Friday the 13^th.  I liked this season more than disliked it, but like many sequels and anthology shows/series for that matter, they can’t always be good or equally as good as other parts (as nice as that would be).  I’m still looking forward to season three being released this week (as of this writing)!  5/21/2019

Slasher:  Season Three                                                OK/G

This season (currently available on Netflix), much like the preceding two, contains detailed characterizations and bloody violence when need be; one part puts the ‘death by blender’ scene in You’re Next to shame.  The victims this time are tenants in an apartment building and the killer is dubbed “The Druid” and looks like a Purge character.  Also like the other entries, this season contains a diverse cast comprising the gender/race/sexuality spectrum, maybe the most so far if I’m not mistaken, and I believe this series (especially this season) may top American Horror Story for having more LGBT representation; well, maybe not the T, so perhaps there should be a trans character(s) in future seasons to be completely inclusive?  This season was more engaging than season two but lost steam in the middle-ish for a bit; I definitely lean more towards G though.  I figured out who the killer was early on (the key sometimes is to pay attention to every single character no matter how many times they appear, and notice if they’re ever pursued by the killer or happen to be in the vicinity during a murder), but there’s more to the ending after the revelation at the end of episode seven (oh, there are 8 episodes like the other 2 seasons, roughly between 45 and 50 minutes each).  I binged this entire season in one day like I did the others; it has that addictive quality and the episodes go by pretty fast.  That being said, I can say I’m a fan of this anthology series for the most part and will definitely tune in for any subsequent seasons.  5/24/2019

Slasher:  Flesh & Blood                                              OK

(haiku review)

Season 4.  Shudder.

8 eps.  It’s gory as hell.

Fine, but felt drawn out.  1/6/2022

*[check out my review for season one and two here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/05/slasher-season-one-and-two.html, and season three here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/05/slasher-season-three.html]*

Slaxx                                                                            G

(haiku review)

Killer jeans.  Umm…yeah.

Campy?  Obvi.  Novel though.

Bloody, short, and fun.  3/25/2021

*Available on Shudder.  Currently has a 98% rating out of 57 critics on Rotten Tomatoes!*

Slay                                                                             OK/G

Four drag queens end up at a small town bar in the middle of nowhere after an accidental booking (I don’t remember getting an exact location, although I think I heard Denver mentioned once, but it was filmed in South Africa).  This small town bar contains patrons resembling stereotypical close-minded small town types that (unsurprisingly) don’t take too kindly to these drag queens performing there.  They are the least of each other’s problems though before a newly-turned vampire arrives and “recruits” other creatures of the night, making this To Wong Foo meets From Dusk Till Dawn (I sensed a bit of a Feast vibe too).  This actually wasn’t too bad, considering it was a Tubi exclusive (meaning free, with ads) and didn’t receive too much media coverage.  You do get to know a good deal of the characters real well and there’s enough vamp action; the use of one primary location works well too.  I didn’t love it, but it’s a fairly decent addition to the bloodsucker subgenre, as well as queer representation.  3/27/2024

Slayer:  The Repentless Killogy

It is probably an unwritten rule that one can’t truly call themselves a metalhead if they don’t like Slayer; at least once in their lifetime.  They never did become sellouts (like Metallica, Megadeth, and countless others) from their arrival in the early Eighties until their last album in 2015 (Repentless).  You pretty much know what to expect when you listen to a Slayer album.  This film, or music video/concert film more appropriately, is strictly for Slayer fans only.  If you don’t like Slayer, you will not enjoy this “film” at all.  The first third does contain a revenge narrative, based on a three-issue comic book of the same name (which I do own and was somewhat reminded of while watching), accompanied by Slayer performing songs off the Repentless album.  Basically it’s more than one music video in which the music complements the narrative instead of vice versa.  It is violent, for those that may care either way (did you expect anything less with Slayer’s name attached?), and there are a few recognizable genre faces (Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, Derek Mears, etc.) contained within.  For the remaining two-thirds of the 2-hour and 10-minute feature, you are treated to an entire Slayer concert that occurred at the Los Angeles Forum in 2017.  By entire concert, I mean that literally---from the moment the band enters the stage to when they exit after the last song.  For those that have never seen Slayer and would’ve liked to, this may be a good thing (they allegedly did their farewell tour before Covid times, but I never believe bands when they say that).  No, it’s not the same experience as actually being there physically, but it may be the next best thing.  I, personally, prefer seeing concerts on TV sometimes, because that way I can control the volume how I see fit, don’t have to worry about crowds, and I have a better view of the concert itself, a more omniscient view, if you will.  As for how their performance was in this film?  There were times when the sound quality was poor, but that could be the platform I was viewing it on, and there were times I got bored if I wasn’t a fan of a certain song (although that’s not much different than actually being in attendance), but, for the most part, I enjoyed seeing the band perform some of their thrash metal hits to an energetic crowd (as inevitable at metal shows) in the comfort of my own home.  I physically saw Slayer in concert at least 2 or 3 times, but I’ve been a fan of the band for over 20 years now.  I didn’t give this a rating, because, like I said, it is strictly for Slayer fans only and even they may not be satisfied with just seeing a 40-minute music video/revenge film and a 90-minute concert.  So, to Slayer fans, if you plan on watching this, just go in it for the music and expect not much more.  1/29/2021

Sleight                                                                         OK

Pretty standard drug-dealing flick with some added sci-fi.  The whole time I felt this was leading somewhere but never quite reached.  Something was missing.  Our protagonist performs magic on the streets and deals drugs to get by with hopes of moving him and his little sister out of their neighborhood.  He has a bizarre and slightly grotesque way of pulling off his tricks.  Lastly, they couldn’t show what she saw at the end considering I felt cheated already?  8/30/2017

Slender Man                                                                OK/G

Slender Man.  The mythological, faceless being resembling a cross between Jack Skellington and a Lovecraftian beast created online in 2009.  Here, he appears in a fictional narrative haunting four teenage girls that watch one of his videos online (won’t characters in horror movies ever learn?).  The plot may resemble that of a dead teenager movie and there’s a few fake jump scares, plus a few annoyingly loud scenes featuring frenetic imagery belonging in a Marilyn Manson or Aphex Twin video, but the film does have a consistently gloomy vibe and is very well-shot.  We actually do see what happens to those that go missing and the creature’s transformation at the end wasn’t disappointing at all even though I didn’t expect to see him as anything other than a shadowy figure of a man.  As of this writing, it only has 1 out of 5 stars on All Movie and an 11% rating (based off 35 critics) on Rotten Tomatoes.  It is definitely not that bad.  I can almost recommend it.  It’s not worth paying the matinee price for (but no movie is) other than bargain/discount times and I might even say wait for the DVD release, but I don’t think it’s a waste of time at all for the most part.  That’s just me though.  8/16/2018

Slice                                                                             OK/G

This film is a mystery with elements of horror, crime, and comedy tossed in (the comedy came through quite a bit though, often satirically).  It takes place in a town where the living and dead are segregated.  Yes, there is a literal “ghost town,” but the ghosts look more like zombies (they’re both technically undead though).  There are also witches and a werewolf.  There’s quite a bit to enjoy here, especially for well-versed film fans (horror in particular), but even amongst all the genre intermingling and everything else going on, I still felt a part of the story was missing, but that could just be me.  9/8/2019

Slotherhouse                                                                EH

For those of you that may be unaware, yes, this is about a killer sloth.  Said sloth was snatched from Panama and ends up in an American sorority house.  Now, obviously my expectations weren’t very high, and I was actually looking forward to it given there’s never been a killer sloth movie before (a Google search yielded no other results).  Well, apparently my expectations may have been a little higher than I thought.  I thought this could’ve ended up pretty decent judging from the beginning wherein our furry slasher slaughters a predatory animal.  I didn’t have too much fun with it after that, and given the inane concept, it could’ve been so much fun.  It was a little too inane for me though, to the point where I was laughing internally at how egregious it was, and not in the so-bad-its-good way.  Somehow this sloth knows how to use a computer, drive a car, and basically anything else a human can do.  I know, I know, given this inane concept I’m supposed to just set my brain aside and enjoy the ride, right?  There’s plenty of so-bad-its-good flicks, or even just so-bad-its-watchable ones, but I just wasn’t digging this.  There are a few bloody moments, but they definitely held back lots of times, because, oh yeah, this was only rated PG-13 (I doubt that helped with ticket sales during its limited theatrical release anyhow).  Making this a hard R and going all the way with the violence might’ve made this dud a bit more worthwhile.  11/5/2023

Slumber                                                                       EH

Sleep paralysis and the demon associated with it seem to be popping up a lot lately in entertainment.  An interesting scenario is presented at first but this film eventually becomes completely uninspired.  Henry Fuseli’s painting The Nightmare, which depicts the sleep phenomenon and is featured here, is infinitely more frightening than the entire movie.  1/13/2018

The Slumber Party                                                      OK

(haiku review)

Disney+ movie.

The Hangover for young teens.

Harmless for that group.  8/8/2023

Slumber Party Massacre                                             OK/G

Yet another film bitten by the remake bug!  I can call myself a fan of the 1982 original; Slumber Party Massacre II is fun as well (there’s a decent nod to it here); Slumber Party Massacre III I don’t like as much as the other two, but I have seen it more than once, usually when I have a Slumber Party Massacre marathon.  This SYFY Original could’ve been called something else, because, I mean, there isn’t much to making an effective slasher, or a slasher film at all---characters, setting, and kills are what ultimately sets them apart.  I’m actually surprised the original Slumber Party Massacre isn’t discussed more amongst feminists and progressives considering it was written and directed by women (as was this one) and features women doing traditionally male duties (as this one did too, but it’s not so much effective nowadays since most reasonable people understand that women can do anything men can do, while bleeding; just don’t be one of those women that talk the talk but don’t walk the walk though).  This one, like the original, does feature a killer named Russ Thorn wielding a drill to off his victims.  Whereas the original took place in a suburban house though, this one takes place at a lake house in both the past and present (mostly the present), both sexes being victims again.  The Russ Thorn character was more creepy in the original; here, he was just weird, and he talked sometimes too (I don’t remember him ever speaking in the original, but a re-watch could prove me wrong).  Now, was this yet another unnecessary remake?  Actually, no, I didn’t think it was too bad.  A good portion of the kills were notable, they play around with the genre at times without making it feel too much like a parody (more in the clever twist kind of way), and there’s a bit more to it than Russ Thorn simply slaughtering people.  In other words, it was more of a reimagining than a direct remake.  As with any remake/reimagining, it doesn’t replace the original, which was no masterpiece to begin with (but is fun and one of the better Eighties slashers), as this certainly isn’t one either, but it is a worthy addition to the franchise that will likely be watched when I have my Slumber Party Massacre marathons.  This will probably win the ‘Worthiest Remake’ on my ‘Best and Worst Films of 2021’ list, but there are still two months left if any other remakes want to alter that…10/20/2021

Smallfoot                                                                     OK/G

In case you haven’t seen a preview or contain zero knowledge of it, this is an animated feature from the Yeti a.k.a. Sasquatch a.k.a. Bigfoot’s point of view wherein humans are the mythological beings a.k.a. Smallfoot.  When they do meet up, neither one can understand each other which leads to even more misunderstandings.  There are a few laughs and some clever role reversals pertaining to the myths, but this one seemed geared more towards the kiddies.  None of the songs are exactly memorable either, the first one being super corny, one reminding me of “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas, all of them kind of being a distraction from the story.  The town on top of the mountain in which the Yetis reside slightly reminded me of Christmas Town from The Nightmare Before Christmas.  I was even reminded of The Village at one point, thematically.  Since we’re on the topic of comparisons, there was actually a clever homage to Pac-man (the game).  I do think animation was the right way to go for this story; it might’ve been too silly had it been live-action, almost in a Harry and the Hendersons kind of way.  Overall, it’s a fairly decent film with themes of embracing others and overlooking differences that will never cease to be effective as long as there are diverse societies.  1/19/2019

Small Town Crime                                                      OK/G

An independent film with John Hawkes, an actor with a face more recognizable than name, that’s slightly Tarantino-esque while coming off as a forgotten Coen Brothers project (ironically two other brothers were at the helm).  I actually liked John Hawkes here (I don’t recall ever particularly caring before) and there’s a considerable body count, but I felt unsatisfied by films end like more was missing.  John Hawkes proved he can act though, thereby elevating him above no-name status.  3/24/2018

Smoke and Mirrors:  The Story of Tom Savini            G

Tom Savini isn't just that dude in From Dusk Till Dawn.  He's an actor, stuntman, director, and, most importantly, a special effects legend.  If you're a fan of horror movies from the Seventies and Eighties, chances are you've seen some of his work (Creepshow, the original Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th IV:  The Final Chapter, the original Maniac, The Burning, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, the original Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead are just some of the films he's worked on).  I would imagine horror fans and/or fans of the man himself would be the most interested in this documentary covering his life from a young kid in Pittsburgh to his current life in Pittsburgh, but those willing to learn a new thing or two and/or are open-minded with films might not be disappointed.  I learned a thing or two and I've been a fan since discovering he wasn't just that dude in From Dusk Till Dawn.  Many documentaries/biopics usually give the subject a human quality and this one is no different.  I met Mr. Savini in 2002 at my first horror convention I attended in Maryland; nice guy, and he was one of the only celebrities I recall that didn't charge for autographs (ironic, considering this doc touches on the subject of conventions being his only "work" at one time).  7/31/2020

Snapper:  The Man-Eating Turtle Movie That

            Never Got Made                                              OK/G

New documentary from the same guy that gave us the Pet Sematary doc (which you can read my review for here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/04/unearthed-untold-path-to-pet-sematary.html) basically about what the title says.  Snapper was a creature-feature filmed around the late 80’s/early 90’s that never got the proper funding.  What a shame too, because I can’t recall a single movie about a killer turtle.  Snapper turtles can be dangerous too, a clip involving a watermelon being proof here, and I recall a theory put out that a snapper may have been responsible for the children the West Memphis Three were blamed for.  The practical design looked really cool too!  Kudos to John Campopiano for keeping this just shy of 30 minutes to avoid overstaying its welcome.  That was the problem with his other recently-released doc, Pennywise:  The Story of It (both available on Screambox), since it was a little over 2 hours and mostly felt like a flat behind-the-scenes featurette (it’s a shame too since I’m a big fan of the original IT).  On the other hand, I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more in this feature, namely more footage from the unreleased film (which could definitely benefit from a better budget).  That being said, I hope enough people see this to enable distributors/financers out there to finally fund this picture!  Please though, for the love of all that is good cinema, keep the effects practical, if not the same exact ones!  9/6/2022

The Snare                                                                    EH

A trio gets locked in a high-rise hotel in the middle of nowhere during off-season when the power goes out.  Therefore the elevator doesn’t work.  Apparently stairways weren’t constructed, so if there was ever a fire, everyone would be fucked.  It’s not safe to try and climb down the building since the rooms are too far apart.  Also, no one knows they’re there.  Of course none of their phones work, one girl left hers in the car, and apparently these rooms don’t come with landlines.  How did this building pass regulations?  Or is this acceptable code in England?  I sure as hell wouldn’t feel safe staying in one of these rooms.  Food eventually runs out and water shut off with the electricity (rain provides minimal relief).  Demonic forces are hinted at towards the end which may explain all the unlikely scenarios that came before.  If so, it was a clever idea presented much too late.  Then something happens suggesting it all could’ve been psychological.  This movie’s a mess.  3/10/2017

Snatched                                                                      B

I knew this movie was doomed from the start.  I could’ve turned it off fairly early but my OCD and critical mentality force me to finish movies.  The only film I ever recall shutting off before it ended was Kung Pow! Enter the Fist because it was cringe-inducingly horrendous.  Maybe one day I’ll get better at “Kung Pow”-ing terrible movies without worrying.  I don’t know who I’m trying to impress by sitting through awful movies if only just to complain about them.  Movies are tough to make.  I’ve been behind-the-scenes and know how much thankless work goes into them (another reason I like to finish movies).  That being said, I give all filmmakers and crew members credit for putting the time and effort into making something the rest of the world is only required to sit on their asses for.  The rest of the world shouldn’t have to waste time sitting on their asses for movies like this either.  Having stars like Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn guarantees an audience, so you’ll be making money regardless of the asinine script.  The few parts that probably were funny didn’t work for me since my mind was already set that I hated this film.  Definitely one of the worst movies of the year.  10/24/2017

The Snowman                                                             EH

One of the most critically maligned movies of 2017 currently holding a 7% rating out of 161 critics on Rotten Tomatoes.  Poorly reviewed movies, especially if A-list, arouse my curiosity just as much, if not more, as critically acclaimed ones.  How bad could it really be being a thriller set and filmed in Norway starring Michael Fassbender?  It’s not the absolute worst film I’ve seen, but it’s still pretty bad.  There’s an interesting serial killer MO too involving human body parts juxtaposed with snowmen, but it happens too little.  Whodunit films aren’t impressive anymore.  Filmmakers need to understand we have to be engaged before the reveal.  I don’t even care who the killer turns out to be anymore (and it wasn’t such a shocker here) as long as I like the journey.  The film is mostly a bland police procedural with a hackneyed conclusion.  If this is a faithful adaptation of the famous Jo Nesbo book, I have no intention of reading it.  1/18/2018

Soaked in Bleach                                                         OK

There’s been many theories and films surrounding Kurt Cobain’s death, so I doubt this documentary would dispense much else to aficionados.  Some information was new to me but I never much followed the case.  Sure, I’ve had speculations.  Many believe Courtney Love murdered him and made it look like a suicide.  While sketchy, I believe she could’ve had something to do with it.  Isn’t it ironic how Hole (Courtney’s band for those born yesterday) quickly gained popularity following Kurt’s death?  I don’t remember hearing much about them while her husband was still breathing.  Besides, Courtney comes off as vile so if she didn’t murder him or hire someone to do so, she certainly seems capable of driving someone to off themselves.  I do like Hole’s music even if I don’t care for her (no, I don’t know her personally but I do go by observations).  I’ll admit I wasn’t the biggest Nirvana fan during their heyday in the mid-‘90’s but I didn’t dislike them.  Mostly everyone I went to school with loved them.  I like them more now.  I have all their albums (I still own the cassette of Nevermind actually) and even bought a shirt for $5 at Walmart about a year ago.  Whether he decided to die or not, one thing is certain…Kurt’s legacy lives on to this day and most people don’t care for Courtney who is still with us.  5/6/2017

Sollers Point                                                                OK

So-so independent film about a lower-class guy in Maryland recently taken off house arrest and trying to get his act back together.  Of course there’s the expected inspirational advice given by some of those close to him, but ultimately he just gets in trouble with those he comes across (mostly from his past) and doesn’t seem to get anywhere.  Not a bad film, just nothing special.  10/17/2018

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2        EH

This is actually a sequel (released at the end of last year) to the 1988 film, as it refers to the events in it (providing a brief flashback), but I think it’s more of a remake.  Was it unnecessary?  Hell, to those that actually saw it, was the first movie even necessary?  [I know, are any movies really necessary?  All you do is sit on your ass.  On a side note---Static-X used a quote from the film on one of their Wisconsin Death Trip tracks].  With a title like that (I’m referring to the first here), I don’t think you’re supposed to take it seriously.  It (the predecessor) was slightly (I stress the word slightly) fun in that cheesy Eighties horror-comedy way, it involving babes in a sorority (no way, really?) initiating other babes, horny dudes that get caught spying on these babes, and the initiated babes forced to break into a bowling alley (again, really?) with these busted dudes to steal a trophy.  The trophy they happen to steal contains an imp that grants them all wishes, but, in the age-old ‘be careful what you wish for’ scenario, these wishes end up doing more harm than good (what do you expect from a demon?).  That imp is what I found most irking about the film despite being practical---he didn’t belong in a movie that should’ve been cheesy Eighties fun.  I think I would’ve enjoyed it more had the sorority babes and the horny dudes simply break into the bowling alley and just bowl in addition to doing typical cheesy Eighties movie stuff.  It was directed by David DeCoteau (a filmmaker with a slew of less-than-B-movies to his name) and featured recognizable B-movie actresses Linnea Quigley (Silent Night, Deadly Night; The Return of the Living Dead; Night of the Demons) and Brinke Stevens (The Slumber Party Massacre), the latter directing this sequel and making an appearance as her character from the first (I met her at my first horror convention years ago; nice lady).  This sequel follows the exact same formula with different performers (one being another recognizable face from Eighties films), a different bowling alley, and a slightly different imp (albeit with a similar persona---you’ll find out why); different sorority house too probably (hence why I say it’s more of a remake).  I think the only people that will watch this are those that have seen the first one and will do so out of curiosity (yours truly certainly was curious, especially for a sequel to a film like that made 34 years later!).  It is barely even an hour, but, if anything, I would just tell you to waste roughly 20 extra minutes with the predecessor, even though I would suggest spending your time with even better films than that.  2/19/2023

Soul                                                                             G/VG

Welcome back, Pixar!  The last movie I really liked from the studio was Inside Out from 2015 and before that it was Toy Story 3 from 2010.  Yes, I have liked some entries in between, but none I can call great.  Besides the two I mentioned, Pixar’s best include Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille.  It might be premature to say so, but I think this latest offering could be added to that list.  It is currently available on Disney+ for no additional cost.  In it, a middle-aged music teacher ends up heading towards “The Great Beyond” after an accident, but somehow evades it and ends up in “The Great Before”---a place where “souls” are given personalities before entering Earth.  All the teacher, who desires being a musician above all, wants is another chance at a life he feels was unfulfilled and somewhat gets that chance while learning more along the way (as characters in these films often do).  This film is amazing to behold at times, imaginative at that, and manages to be thoroughly entertaining (with representation to boot); it’s funny sometimes too.  The ultimate message may go over the younger set’s heads, but they can absolutely still watch it while their parents/elders can enjoy it as well (as this is arguably more for the adults).  Come awards season, I won’t be surprised if this snags a few wins (maybe even disappointed if otherwise).  12/26/2020

The Sound                                                                   B

I initially thought this movie was going somewhere for about five minutes before becoming an extreme boredom fest.  Rose McGowan plays a skeptic blog writer that travels places attempting to debunk ghost stories.  Do you think she eventually sees ghosts?  She enters an underground train station that closed after an incident about a half-century ago.  The dark abandoned station could’ve served greatly for creep factor but refer back to my boredom fest comment.  The ghosts she might be seeing are chalked up as hallucinations resulting from being in an area with vibrations and low sound frequencies.  We’re given a reason for her “hallucinations” with a twist that’s way stale and revealed far too late to save this snoozefest.  Christopher Lloyd makes an appearance too.  He should get into his DeLorean and stop this movie from being made, or at least let me borrow it to stop me from watching it.  12/6/2017

South Beach Academy                                                            EH

It seems like there’s always another Corey Feldman movie I don’t know about.  Obviously movies like this aren’t publicized as much, but that shouldn’t stop me from at least knowing about them.  Apparently this came out in 1996 and I still don’t remember hearing about it?  I would’ve sworn it was an ‘80’s movie.  It screams ‘80’s from the cheesy opening song to the cheesy romance to the fact Corey appears as a supporting character.  I can’t say I had any fun with this silly, bland film involving a volleyball game to prevent the titular academy from being sold.  Funny, it never actually takes place in an academy but predominantly a beach (at least that’s part of the title too) filled with scantily clad babes, and there’s plenty of exposed boobies for people into women.  The volleyball game takes place at the end and before that we’re presented with the cheesy romance mentioned above which ends up being duplicitous (initially) from both sides.  9/8/2017

Southbound                                                                 G

I expected this to be an anthology flick along the lines of Creepshow and Creepshow 2 but was more of a linear story that just happened to take place with different characters throughout.  Closer to Trick ‘r Treat with all the “stories” being connected but more linear than that.  Nonetheless, I still enjoyed this dark film and probably should watch it again to pick up on stuff I may have missed the first time.  3/28/2016

Space Clown                                                               OK

This is a decent evil clown flick barely over an hour.  I usually can’t go wrong with an evil clown movie as long as it’s not poorly made and the clown appears a decent amount of time.  This was well-made but I felt a lot could’ve been added to the short run time.  Perhaps in a follow-up?  I wanted to see the Clown World this Space Clown needed to return to after using human bodies to fuel his spacecraft.  I know clowns are supposed to be funny but I could’ve done without the flatulence even though one part was actually “necessary.”  I generally don’t find sounds emitting from rear ends too comical.  You could do much worse without killing much time but this clown doesn’t hold the brightest candle to those other klowns from outer space.  1/22/2017

Spa Night                                                                    EH/OK

There’s a part in this movie where the protagonist shadows a family friend at his college for a day.  That’s exactly what I felt I was doing with this closeted Korean-American character as he lived his mundane life working at a health spa contemplating going to a college his hard-up parents can’t afford all at once.  He was obviously closeted but never embraced it nor came to terms with it.  I’m a huge fan of slice-of-life flicks.  They have to be compelling though and I didn’t find this guy’s life interesting at all.  Maybe that was the point?  To depict most people live lives they don’t necessarily want in order to get by?  Fine and dandy, but if I’m going to shadow someone I don’t want to be bored.  12/15/2016

Spark:  A Space Tail                                                   VB

Monkeys inhabit a planet called Bana.  Add an ‘na’ and you get a fruit typically associated with them (hardy-har-har).  There’s an evil monkey intent on world domination and a young monkey (Spark) that wants to prevent that from happening.  That’s all I got.  This film looks too modern for me.  The animation is terrible and the execution as a whole feels like something awful appearing on Nicktoons or Nick Jr. for that matter.  I hated every inch of this movie.  It might be the worst animated feature I’ve ever seen.  7/12/2017

Speak No Evil                                                              G

A Danish family of three (father, mother, daughter) meet a Dutch couple of three (father, mother, son) while vacationing in Italy (yes, there are subtitles, even when the occasional English is spoken).  The Dutch family invites them to come visit their house in Holland to which they eventually do.  Something is clearly off about this family as we gradually get to know them.  For one, their son is revealed to be missing part of his tongue which the parents explain is a condition he has.  Uh-huh.  The title is only Speak No Evil.  I will say that I didn’t figure out the reveal and I was trying to devise several possible conclusions.  Generally engaging and quite dark when all is said and done.  Recommended.  11/3/2022

Spinning Man                                                              EH

Guy Pearce.  Pierce Brosnan.  Minnie Driver.  Thriller.  Well, more of a mystery.  It can’t be that bad, can it?  Well…the entire time (the film is 100 minutes) you’re wondering if Guy Pearce’s character, who is a philosophy professor (philosophy can make you go crazy), is guilty of a crime or simply being framed with mounting evidence.  The ending is completely flat.  Waste of time and talent.  8/4/2018

Spiral (From the Book of Saw)                                   EH/OK

When I first heard they were making yet another Saw movie starring Chris Rock, I was like, “You’ve got to be f#$&ing kidding me!”  Part 7 was supposed to be The Final Chapter, even though I never believe that shit with franchises, and the last entry, Jigsaw, was one Saw too many; the first 7 are actually watchable (you can read my review for Jigsaw here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/11/mooby-reviews-11917.html).  Curiosity, as well as OCD, always gets the better of me though and I always end up watching any sequels, remakes, spinoffs, what have you (therefore, I shouldn’t even complain about them anymore if I just end up promoting them).  Instead of simply being called Saw 9, this just claims to be “From the Book of Saw.”  In other words, a spinoff.  Some of those involved with this feature claim it’s not like the other Saw films, but they certainly could’ve fooled me.  Other than cops being the only victims of a Jigsaw copycat’s traps this time (of course you’ll learn the reason for it), this was most definitely like any other Saw film, only completely uninspired and not as suspenseful (Chris Rock wasn’t even the problem; he did fine actually).  The deaths may have been gory, but the traps weren’t that elaborate as ones past, save for maybe one involving glass bottles.  I’m not sure even seven movies needed to be made in the first place, and (as I mentioned) I thought the last entry was one Saw too many, but this entry, claiming to be separate from the rest, is two too many.  I don’t think they should make any more, but if they do (which I certainly have no control over), I hope they do a better job next time.  Darren Lynn Bousman helmed it too, he also being behind Saw 2-4 among other genre titles, so I don’t understand how it all went wrong…7/26/2021

Spirit Halloween:  The Movie                                     OK/G

As much as I love Halloween and any memorabilia associated with it, Spirit Halloween stores contain ridiculously overpriced items.  I’ve obtained neat spooky stuff at the dollar store and Wal-mart, and even scored some good items with coupons at CVS.  In this film, three middle school boys (eventually joined by one of their older sisters) agree to spend Halloween night in one of the stores after it closes.  A ghost (played by Christopher Lloyd) possesses items in the store while trying to possess one of the kids (you’ll learn why if you watch).  This was mostly a fun gateway horror flick (it’s rated PG-13 which I’m guessing is because some scenes may frighten the younger ones) that doesn’t overstay its welcome at barely 81-minutes (I actually wanted more).  The effects, mostly practical (points), were generally passable.  Perfect for the holiday season.  10/25/2022

Splatter                                                                        B

This was allegedly a series (presented as a short film) released on Netflix in 2009 that only totals 29 minutes.  Corey Feldman plays a musician that kills himself and somehow returns from the dead to enact revenge on the few people attending his funeral.  It may be gory, but it’s unimpressive and basically a lame slasher movie.  I’m still surprised I never heard of it before (with all the names attached) despite not having Netflix streaming at the time.  Joe Dante directed it, Roger Corman produced it, the son of Richard Matheson wrote it (he bears the same name), and there were at least three other recognizable faces other than Corey’s.  What the hell were they all thinking with this wasted piece of celluloid?  Thankfully it was only 29 minutes, but I still wouldn’t tell you to waste your time!  9/24/2019

Split                                                                             G

I am a fan of M. Night Shyamalan for the most part.  He has a very simplistic Hitchcock-ian style that works for me.  I consider his career beginning with The Sixth Sense even though he directed two films before that.  Lady in the Water was his first dud in my opinion.  I did enjoy The Happening for its simplistic morbidity.  I hated The Last Airbender and wasn’t crazy about After Earth.  The Visit was an improvement and gets better each viewing.  Split has an outstanding performance from James McAvoy who’s surprisingly good-looking here too.  Mr. Shyamalan is known as the “twist” director and that’s what people expect when going to see his movies.  I’m not going to reveal whether there’s a twist or not, but I liked M. Night’s decision.  I only dislike 3 out of 10 films thus far, so M. Night passes and I anticipate his rumored involvement in the Tales from the Crypt reboot (only the best TV show ever!).  Pay attention at the end for a certain cameo mentioning a character from one of M. Night’s earlier films.  1/22/2017

Spontaneous                                                                G

This is a different kind of teen movie.  It’s also a different kind of “Dead Teenager” movie.  There be no masked murderer offing these teens here.  They die by blowing up unexpectedly.  It only seems to be happening (randomly) to a senior class in one high school (we hear of no similar instances happening elsewhere).  Of course this gets everyone concerned (hell, there are countless other ways to have anxiety, let alone wondering if you’re going to explode any second) and the government tries to get to the bottom of it.  Drugs are postulated as a possible cause and one kid even mentions aliens (doesn’t someone always in inexplicable situations?).  I won’t disclose whether an explanation is given or not; I was a bit disappointed in the decision, but, at the same time, I wasn’t bummed out completely.  Like I suggested above, this is like no other movie I’ve seen before and, for the most part, it works.  It may be predictable at times, but it never felt repetitive which it very well could’ve been, and it never comes off as a joke which it also could’ve been; it is quite serious in retrospect.  It has been labeled as horror and comedy in some places, but I think it’s a coming-of-age teen movie with a body count, and blood, which there is plenty of (obviously, if people blow up).  Lastly, while it should instinctively be everyone’s philosophy to live each day like it were their last, its message is quite evident in emphasizing that (ask that person out, buy that beach house, buy that car, etc.).  I recommend this bloody teen movie!  11/13/2020

Spotlight                                                                      EH

Proof that I don’t trust the Oscars and that everyone is their own critic.  While I love any film that makes organized religion look bad, this film was too talky and un-suspenseful knowing how it was going to end before watching it, but dragging us through a 2-hour film showing how they got there.  Deliver Us From Evil and Religulous are 2 documentaries that are much more interesting dealing with some of the same topics.  3/27/2016

Sputnik                                                                                    G

The setting is Russia, 1983 (yes, that means subtitles if you don’t know Russian).  Two men just returned from space and something has returned with them, inside one of them (luckily the story is only in space for the first five minutes; I’m not the biggest fan of space-set narratives).  One man didn’t survive, the other is kept under scrutiny in a facility wherein an alien being emerges from his mouth the same time each night for roughly the same amount of time before re-entering.  The creature design is fine, nothing spectacular, a bit insectile, and wouldn’t feel out of place in Stranger Things.  The film may be horrific on occasion, in both violence and content, but it’s more of a sci-fi flick that incorporates somewhat of a romance over time.  It never felt sappy when veering towards that aspect though, and unlike The Shape of Water, this felt a bit more fresh, although, yeah, I may have been reminded of films like Alien and Species at times.  I didn’t think this film was excellent, but I enjoyed it enough to suggest a peek.  2/4/2021

Squid Game (Season One)                                          OK/G

I finally got a chance to watch this much-discussed Netflix series and can now understand all the memes it produced.  When I first read about it before it premiered, it sounded very much like another Battle Royale or Hunger Games.  Whereas those two films involved people thrust into a scenario in which they needed to kill the other players in order to win (and ultimately survive), the contestants here aren’t forced to be there and have the option to exit several times.  The series consists of 9 episodes, each roughly around the hour-mark, save for one being a half-hour (?), involving people with massive amounts of debt competing against each other in children’s games to win money at the end.  They don’t have to kill each other, although some do, but many do die while competing in these games.  Basically, the less survivors at the end, the more money those left receive.  Oh, you probably heard amongst all the talk that this is a Korean series, so, yes, that means subtitles (a few parts are in English, but only like 10% of the entire time).  So, did I like this series that was allegedly the #1 show in 90 countries, including the U.S. and U.K. (I guess there’s enough people that don’t mind reading subtitles)?  Sure, I enjoyed a decent amount of it.  There’s suspense at times, violence at times, and a good deal of the characters make it worth watching.  It did drag at times, but not often from what I recall, and my biggest complaint would probably be the last episode, the beginning of which was rather weak, making me think the build-up in the preceding episodes lead to nothing.  Plus, something revealed at the end rendered a scene in a previous episode much less poignant; some may like how it’s all tied up though.  If you’re looking for something new to binge, even just to see what the hell all the buzz is about, give it a whirl.  As of now, a second season isn’t confirmed, but it’s up in the air, and I don’t think they should continue as popular as this season was; the novelty has already worn itself thin.  10/30/2021

Stake Land II                                                               EH

The first one was a decent apocalyptic bloodsucker flick.  This one picks up where that one ended.  I don’t know why you’d desire watching Stake Land II if you never saw nor heard of Stake Land.  If that’s the case, just watch the first one and neglect this one.  This is similar to a boring Walking Dead episode.  There’s lots of drama and the vampires are secondary elements adding occasional tension.  The ending hinted at a possible Stake Land III (Hell, what modern movie doesn’t suggest a follow-up?).  I hope it’s better than this if so.  2/17/2017

Stalker                                                                         EH

I had zero knowledge of this Russian film from 1979 until someone compared Annihilation to it on social media.  I really liked Annihilation so I was curious to see how similar they were.  In this film, a meteorite is said to have landed 20 years ago creating an area called The Zone in which people haven’t returned from.  Those that saw Annihilation can understand the similarity but the comparison is in plot only.  Aside from the obvious gender difference (three men instead of five women), the pacing and inactivity largely differentiates the two.  Whereas Annihilation was fast-paced and completely involving throughout, Stalker contains no dangerous encounters and lengthy scenes that could’ve been greatly condensed.  It sounds fascinating as an idea, not a 161-minute movie in which three men wax philosophical innumerous times on end.  Any suspense or foreboding dissipates well before the conclusion.  My suggestion---just watch Annihilation if you haven’t already and forget about this review, like I wish I never saw this film mentioned in that Facebook comment.  4/4/2018

The Stand (2020)                                                         EH

I finally got around to watching this miniseries remake available on CBS All Access/Paramount +, based on the novel by Stephen King, which was first released at the end of last year.  Confession:  I never read the book even though I’ve owned it for over 20 years now (I’ll get around to it eventually, but it’s as thick as a friggin’ Bible!  I’m surprised I did read similar-sized tomes like It and Under the Dome).  The original miniseries, which ran for 4 nights in 1994, isn’t my favorite adaptation of King’s, but I am enough of a fan to own the DVD, and I can only remember parts of it (I don’t even know how many times I watched it; it wasn’t a lot).  So, basically, I went into this adaptation somewhat blind, even though I remembered parts of the original as they happened here.  I don’t remember hearing too many good things about this one, and even though I try not to listen to the naysayers, or even the yaysayers for anything (I’ve liked films/shows that were panned and disliked ones that were praised, after all), I hate to say that the naysayers were right this time.  I did not care about this series after the first episode and definitely forced myself to continue due to my love of the King (damn you, Stephen!).  It’s 9 episodes, mind you, ranging from 48 to 65 minutes each, making it a total of roughly 8 ½ hours (the original was roughly 6 hours---damn, that would’ve been almost 2 hours of commercials when it first aired and, no, I didn’t watch it when it was initially released)!  Since I never read the book, I know not whether either adaptation was faithful and what may have been added or removed, but since this one was 2 hours longer, either this one added or the original left stuff out.  I’m guessing this one added since it was way too drawn out.  In a nutshell, for those that may not be familiar with the material, a virus decimates the majority of the population and new communities are formed with the surviving members; there is also talk of God and the Devil and end times and shit (ironically, I used the Bible as a comparison above).  Post-apocalyptic movies are definitely dead and this miniseries was boring with a cast of recognizable faces (i.e. James Marsden, Whoopi Goldberg, Greg Kinnear, Irene Bedard, Alexander Skarsgard, to name a few) that couldn’t even save it.  It’s pretty much needless to say this was an unnecessary remake to a work I wasn’t the biggest fan of to begin with, but I think I’ll stick with the 1994 version if I want to revisit the material, or, better yet, I might just decide to finally read the big ass book!  5/26/2021

Star Crystal                                                                 B

This movie was made in 1986 but looks more dated than that.  This was so cheaply made.  With a better budget it could’ve had potential.  COULD’VE in big bold letters.  One area would’ve been the violence.  Not to undermine young filmmakers, but this looked like a high school production or even younger than that, wherein the crew had no previous experience and minimal funding.  The plot involves an alien forming from the star crystal inside an egg (from Mars) that ends up on a ship in space.  The alien looked like a silly (again, created by inexperienced young’uns) concoction of E.T., Mac (from Mac & Me) and the creature from Xtro.  The initially assumed malevolent creature actually ended up being benevolent after learning about the human race via the ship’s computer system, and that, in turn, made it more of a “pussy” movie.  As happy as I am to discover films I haven’t seen nor heard of, movies like this make me realize there’s a reason most people don’t know about them.  Neglect this unless you want to see how bad some movies can be to make you appreciate the good ones, but why would you want to waste time doing that?  8/6/2017

Starfish                                                                        OK
A girl attends her friend’s funeral and breaks into her apartment afterwards.  Eventually things take a turn for the strange when sound waves allegedly cause an apocalypse wherein everyone (but her) disappears and otherworldly creatures gain access to our world.  A movie that came to mind the most was The Mist, but whereas that film focused on a microcosm (a group of people in a supermarket) of a world ravaged by otherworldly beings, this film involved just one person in an abandoned town.  The creatures weren’t nearly as impressive here either, although one large one with very little screen-time was a bit fascinating, nor did they make as much of an appearance.  This film seemed to have so much potential that it unfortunately didn’t adequately produce, containing a treasure hunt of sorts bearing very little excitement, coming off as weird just for the sake of being weird at times, and, like always, was ruined by utilizing crappy CGI.  Currently available on Shudder.  9/14/2020

Steel                                                                             EH

I can appreciate eye candy as much as the next functioning homo(sexual)sapien.  The main character (who has an unexplained fear explained eventually) is very attractive but, as I may have said before, eye candy does not a good movie make.  I automatically predicted the ending due to years of watching movies.  Substitute the gay characters with heterosexuals and this would be a typically straight(pun intended)forward romantic drama…with a twist.  6/30/2016

Stephanie                                                                     G

Beginning with a little girl (of the title) in a big house all alone making unconventional smoothies and talking to stuffed animals, something clearly is not right.  We do learn of a worldwide virus that’s only part of the overall story.  At times, I was reminded of Carrie, Home Alone, A Quiet Place and Right at Your Door, either directly or indirectly.  It felt like more than one type of movie in the roughly 80-minutes, but that’s not necessarily a criticism since the filmmakers succeeded in presenting an overdone concept effectively.  5/5/2018

Still/Born                                                                     OK/G

I can see comparisons being made to Rosemary’s Baby and The Stepford Wives when, in actuality, there are no strict similarities.  In this film, she has the baby upfront unlike Rosemary where she had it at the end and it was spawned by Satan; she was supposed to have twins but the title should explain what happened to one of them.  While Stepford was mentioned in this film, none of the women have hive minds in this town; the focus is on one woman with a condition coined postpartum psychosis which appears to be much worse than postpartum depression could ever be.  There’s also a baby-snatching demon.  Gee, as if losing a kid and having both postpartum depression and psychosis weren’t enough to worry about.  Some parts are admittedly creepy and the film goes to some quite dark places, but I was often torn between knowing if what I was seeing was real or imagined.  Perhaps that was intended to show the effects of postpartum psychosis?  There’s also several expected jump scares because the scenes predictably lead up to them.  I’m torn based on my misgivings, but the pros outweighed the cons for me.  4/24/2018

Storks                                                                          G

Wow, I actually liked an animated movie that wasn’t affiliated with Disney, wasn’t South Park, or wasn’t any adult animation.  What am I talking about?  I love cartoons, just not too many modern ones.  This movie about the titular birds no longer delivering babies is quite funny, quite creative and quite a surprise.  I laughed a couple times.  I’ll probably get backlash for this, but I might have enjoyed this more than Moana.  (I did like both though).  All ages can enjoy this.  See Storks.  1/1/2017

The Strange House                                                      EH

This haunted house film recently released on Netflix comes from Austria (as research informed me) and is in German, so you know what that means---yes, you have to read subtitles if you don’t understand German, but I’m sure you can adjust the audio to English or whatever other language is available if you don’t mind poor dubbing.  It may start off a bit intriguing and it has its moments, but every cliché you can imagine is here.  Let’s see, a family moves into a new home in which a murder took place at one time, the ghosts of the victims have a message, a séance of sorts is performed, the wrong people are initially assumed to be villains…and the final reveal is as clichéd as it gets.  To top it all off, the ending was a little too sweet, and, yes, that can mean clichéd too.  5/17/2021

Strange Nature                                                            OK/G

Pretty good film taking place in Duluth, Minnesota (to be exact) that begins like it would be a natural horror film, but is really an ecological thriller with a touch of a creature feature.  First, the frogs are deformed.  Then, newborn babies are deformed.  Something even deadlier was formed and hinted at early on.  Is it something in the water?  Is it the new pesticides contaminating the local wildlife?  Is it the local deformed man and his deformed daughter infecting the lake after swimming in it?  This film is very well-shot, the characters are compelling, and the creature effects are practical---enough of a reason alone to recommend it---and definitely passable however freakish, but drags quite a bit in the middle.  Regardless, I’m definitely more for this film than against it.  9/26/2018

The Strange Ones                                                        G

Two brothers flee in a car after a house is shown burning.  Obviously they’re running from something or someone.  Things are kept interesting by continuously changing locations and some disturbing revelations are eventually revealed.  Far from great but doesn’t overstay its welcome.  3/28/2018

The Strangers:  Prey at Night                                     OK/G

The Strangers, released ten years ago, was a flawed yet thoroughly enjoyable home invasion flick.  What exactly would you expect from a sequel released ten years later?  This sequel absolutely has its flaws but delivers something much better than expected.  This time, the trio of masked invaders target a family of four staying at a trailer park resort right before the off season (meaning no one else around and those that were, well...).  It was very wise not to limit the action to one house this time.  About those flaws---people still saying hello in unfamiliar places after hearing a noise, authorities arriving too late and offed before they can help, mentally having to tell characters what to do and not to do, and the most important one the first made as well---you never separate no matter what!!!  It is predictable at times too, but the film looks great and its cold-heart is in the right place.  Plus, the ‘80’s soundtrack very much works despite deviating from the brutal subject matter.  I really, really, really lean more towards G but I can’t overlook those aforementioned clichés and don’t know if I could sleep well at night rating it so.  Perhaps I should be picky considering ten years have passed and the knowledge of innumerous films should’ve made the creators aware of what to avoid.  Depending on what disc you watch, there’s an alternate ending that’s a bit better than the actual ending (which was lame), and I hate when given the option of a theatrical or unrated version if watching for the first time.  I always watch the theatrical first because that was the one initially released upon the public, but I know which version I’m watching in the future because maybe it’s even more brutal.  Definitely a worthy follow-up, but I expect the third one to be a masterpiece (or close to it) in 2028!  6/13/2018

Stranger Things:  Season One                                    G

Yes, I finally got around to seeing this once I got an X1 box and a free month of Netflix streaming.  Yes, I did like it.  Love it?  No, but I thought this 8-episode series was a worthy throwback to ‘80’s cinema right down to the score.  It takes place in 1983 (I would’ve been 1) and homages films like Poltergeist, E.T. and The Thing without feeling like a cheap knockoff.  I binge-watched the entire season in less than 24 hours.  Each episode whizzes by, I didn’t look at the time once.  The creature was different resembling something Lovecraft-ian crossed with Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth.  The young kids were good actors.  Common at 12 or 13, they were frequently at each other’s throats but inseparable.  Season Two looks good.  In October, I might have to pay for streaming until it ends.  3/26/2017

Stranger Things:  Season Two                                    OK/G

I liked the first season, didn’t love it.  This season was just okay but I’d still recommend it.  People that liked or loved the first season are going to watch anyway.  I love that it takes place in the ‘80’s.  Other than an arcade in the beginning, Cyndi Lauper playing at a school dance (now I’ll think of this in addition to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion every time I hear that song), certain hairstyles, and the soundtrack itself, this could’ve taken place in any decade.  There’re long periods of not much happening.  I was patiently awaiting the finale and it wasn’t that impressive to me or worth the wait.  The “dema-dogs” weren’t too impressive either.  They looked kind of goofy being a CGI hybrid of a Ghostbusters dog with the face of a Graboid (Tremors).  They do cause some bloody damage though.  I read this season was going to be more horror-oriented, but I think it’s sci-fi all the way.  I wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast but I am a casual fan.  It’s a fun series.  Similar to the first season, even when nothing much happens like I mentioned above, every episode seems to speed by.  I can’t say that about too many TV shows.  I’ll most likely tune in to each succeeding season.  11/3/2017

Stranger Things:  Season Three                                  VG

I liked the first season of this Eighties-set Netflix series, but didn’t love it.  I didn’t like the second season as much, but it was still decent (my reviews for both are in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).  This season, set in 1985, is the best one yet.  It incorporates the communist fear of the time in addition to consumerist culture being at an all-time high while still focusing on the young characters dealing with otherworldly (as well as human) beings in their small town of Hawkins, Indiana.  I knew it was going to be a good season from the get-go when some of the kids snuck in to see Day of the Dead at the mall theater (granted, that isn’t the best of the Romero movies, but the kids could’ve snuck in to see countless other movies released in 1985).  I believe this season was the most horror-oriented although still having a very sci-fi plot.  In addition to the pop culture references, I noticed nods to The Terminator (the main Russian baddie was an obvious stand-in for Mr. Schwarzenegger), Tremors, Evil Dead 2, and for a brief moment was reminded of The Faculty (even though that was released in the Nineties), just to name a few, but never thought any were cheap knockoffs.  The creature is obviously CGI but completely passable (a big improvement over the “demadogs” from last season and even better than the Demogorgon from the first).  I binged the entire season in one day with obvious breaks in between, never forcing myself to continue, and was only bored for maybe three minutes during one of all 8 episodes wherein 7 were between 50-minutes to an hour and the last one being 78.  Otherwise, this season contained nary a single moment I didn’t want to watch, so it looks like season four has some competition…7/8/2019

Stranger Things (Season 4)                                         G

Here we are with season 4 of this Netflix series that is allegedly going to have one more season after this (as of now).  Only 7 episodes of this season are available now with 2 more being released July 1^st.  I don’t see why they couldn’t just include 2 more with this set.  Anyway, I did like this season, but season 3 would have to be my favorite so far (you can read that review here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/07/stranger-things-season-three.html); season 2 was my least favorite so far (you can read that review here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/11/mooby-reviews-11917.html; season 1’s review is here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/04/mooby-reviews-4317.html).  All the episodes this time are really long, the shortest being 64-minutes, the longest being 98, but, as is typical with the series, they all still go by fairly fast.  There’s definitely more horror elements this time, as my brother and his wife both mentioned in discussion, a certain actor known for playing a horror icon even making an appearance (said icon is even mentioned by a character at one time).  I was reminded of Poltergeist at one time too.  If you’ve been a fan of the series so far, I think there’s enough to enjoy here.  I do love the Eighties, whether or not it was actually filmed then (the skating rink, Lite-Brite, the “Satanic Panic” fear, and the great songs “Running up that Hill” and “Tarzan Boy” are just some of the things included here); the first episode was probably my favorite, playing like an Eighties teen film before becoming quite dark.  I’m not sure whether I should’ve just waited until the last 2 episodes air next month, alter this review after I watch them, or just write a separate review for them?  Whatever, I think they should’ve all been released at the same time.  At least a month isn’t too far away…5/30/2022

Stray Bullets                                                                OK/G

Larry Fessenden.  I see the name more than the face.  He has a part in this action thriller directed by his son, Jack, who was only 16 at the time.  Jack directed, wrote, produced, and edited among other things.  He’s also one of the main actors.  This film is extremely well-made.  Jack, you get an A++ for presentation.  That being said, I tried not thinking about his age in regards to giving a better rating solely on those grounds.  This movie is thoroughly engaging but I felt it ended too soon.  If an older director made the same film, and Jack certainly proves he can play along with the big shots, it would be rather ordinary.  Jack Fessenden, you’re a young dude that most definitely knows how to make movies.  Just put more effort on the script next time, I’ll definitely be watching if this feature debut is any indication.  4/1/2017

Strays                                                                          OK/G

You know those live-action family-friendly movies featuring talking animals, such as Homeward Bound and Babe?  This may appear like one of those films with cute little doggies, but, much like South Park having the appearance of a colorful children’s cartoon with cute little kids, it is entirely not for the kiddies (lots of profanity rightfully earned its R-rating).  That is, obviously, the sole novelty of this feature, as the adult humor and language are what would (or should) make something like this funny, and there are definitely funny moments, as opposed to the same exact film being a harmless family-friendly version (which, I know, could also be funny).  Two parts are gross, one even stomach-churning, but, as great as dogs can be, they can be gross (hell, humans can be gross too; we’re just supposed to know better).  While not an amazing film, I had a decent amount of fun with it.  10/11/2023

Studio 666                                                                   OK

The Foo Fighters.  I remember back in the Nineties when they came out and some said they were nothing without Kurt Cobain.  Well, Dave Grohl and his bandmates certainly made a name for themselves over the years.  I like enough of their songs to call myself a fan.  I didn’t really appreciate Nirvana until I got older.  Anyway, the Foo’s star as themselves in this horror-comedy directed by BJ McDonnell (Hatchet III, Slayer: The Repentless Killogy) wherein they record their 10^th album in a home with a dark history.  Some may say it’s a standard “sell your soul to the devil” kind of film, but I think it’s really just about demonic possession.  It’s basically a behind-the-scenes making-of-an-album film with some horror thrown in for good measure.  Is it for Foo Fighters fans?  Horror fans?  Both?  Anyone?  I think you need to be a horror fan above all.  There is violence, that’s for sure.  You don’t necessarily need to be a Foo fan; they just happen to be the main characters (you’ll recognize some other faces too, musicians and performers); they’re kind of humanized to a point where you might enjoy their presence whether you’re a fan of their music or not (apparently Dave Grohl likes ranch dressing).  It does feel a bit long and doesn’t quite have the same cheesy quality as other heavy metal horror films like Trick or Treat or Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare, but, years from now, people may admire it for being mildly diverting like those films and others of its ilk.  I might even watch it again one day if it comes back to mind.  There is enough I enjoyed here, but I wasn’t entirely impressed to designate cult status just yet.  R.I.P.  Taylor Hawkins.  7/21/2022

Stung                                                                           G

I hate anything that flies and stings.  The sight of them alone frightens me.  I’ve been stung by honey bees when younger and don’t recall it being excruciating, but there’s just something about stinging insects that horrifies me.  Insects in general disgust me.  Anyway, a mutated swarm of wasps (the reasoning behind the mutation is explained later) attack guests at a garden party.  Giant wasps hatch out of humans when stung.  The script is fairly standard but the special effects are actually grade-A.  Points for being practical!  It’s generally a fun B-movie, in both senses of the word!  4/23/2017

The Stylist                                                                    G

Whereas Leatherface “collected” human faces and wore them over his own, the stylist in question here “collects” scalps and wears them over her own hair on occasion.  Ironically, Jill Gevargizian (the director) stated in an intro that the Tobe Hooper original from 1974 is her favorite movie.  This isn’t quite like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but nice homage, Jill.  My description may have made it sound like Maniac, yes, I’m referring to the original, and it did remind me of it a bit, in addition to other films like May and Single White Female.  It’s an arty slasher film in scope while simultaneously a twisted character study.  In other words, completely impatient viewers need not apply.  I can be impatient, yes, especially with many modern films/shows, but I was reasonably transfixed with this simple Missouri-set film currently on Arrow (free trials are available like many other apps/channels).  You sense, or at least expect, something drastic will happen by the film’s conclusion (I’ve seen enough movies), and while it may not have been grand, it was certainly demented and oh-so fitting for this feature.  3/3/2021

Submerged                                                                  EH

You can probably guess this doesn’t take place entirely in the submerged limo.  That would be too tedious (it’s 99 minutes according to the Netflix envelope), more than the movie itself already is.  Therefore we’re treated to flashbacks leading up to the submersion and what follows when some escape.  I didn’t enjoy the before, during and after underwater predicament timelines.  I actually couldn’t wait for it to be over.  Claustrophobic thrillers are D.O.A. and were always hard to be thoroughly engaging.  During the time the people are trapped in the limo, we’re presented with the typical accusations and paranoia associated with the people-in-a-closed-space subgenre.  Yawn, yawn, yawn.  8/27/2016

Submission                                                                  OK

Stanley Tucci plays a writer and professor at a college in Vermont and becomes fascinated with one of his female student’s who’s letting him read a book she’s in the process of writing.  A friendship begins between them and you can probably guess where that leads even before they happen to be alone together.  The male professional is always going to be the monster whose life is subsequently ruined when it all comes out.  Blah, blah, blah.  The younger girl wanted it just as much and knows she’s going to be the victim when claiming the liaison was against her will after the guy either upsets her or doesn’t give her what she wants, or from fear of being slut-shamed after being caught.  Blah, blah, blah.  Then feminists, both male and female, wonder why people don’t believe real victims because of girls like her.  Yes, the married male should never give in to temptation either.  If it’s consensual, they’re both at fault and should be punished equally, but that’s just me.  Stanley Tucci is very good but it’s a shame the movie wasn’t too original however relevant.  7/20/2018

Sugar Mountain                                                          EH

Lying gets you nowhere and into more and more trouble with more than one person.  That’s basically what this forgettable movie set in Alaska (my birthplace) tries to portray.  Also that money is the root of all problems.  Also that people will do anything to make money.  Two hard-up brothers devise a plan to have one of them “go missing” while hiking on the titular mountain, thinking the story will make them famous.  Of course things don’t necessarily go as planned and, like the hoax itself, the movie turns into a complete joke and a waste of time.  The movie isn’t tonally synched with the subject matter.  I think I’ll just let Mr. Neil Young tell me about “Sugar Mountain” instead.  I also think Cary Elwes is desperate for a paycheck these days.  1/26/2017

Suicide Squad                                                              OK

Well, this certainly wasn’t as bad as other critics proclaimed.  It has good characterization, enough action that’s not endlessly annoying, and a diverse cast.  How are you gonna have the First Nations actor from Smoke Signals and Wind Talkers named after a metal band and eliminate him right away?  Where are all the indigenous American protesters?  Anyway, while not as bad as other recent superhero garbage (Batman vs. Superman, Iron Man movies, many others I’m sure) it still overstays it’s welcome and is not my preferred cup of tea.  I still say give it a shot and decide for yourself.  At least I didn’t contemplate doing the first half of the title while watching.  12/20/2016

Suicide Squad:  Hell to Pay                                        OK/G

I’m not the first person to ask about a Suicide Squad film.  The live-action movie is the only knowledge I have of the series.  This animated film looked good from a preview which is why I bothered with it in the first place.  The bloody violence is largely impressive which explains the R-rating.  I also liked how no character was necessarily exempt from being exterminated.  It is still a superhero movie after all, containing several scenes of combat prevalent for the genre, live-action or animated apparently.  I enjoyed this more than the live-action film if that’s any consolation.  That coming from someone not a particular fan of the series means actual fans should totally dig it!  4/21/2018

Summer 1993                                                              EH/OK

I really don’t think I need to tell you when this takes place.  The location is Spain, in the countryside.  Yes, that means subtitles for anyone not fluent in Spanish (Catalan specifically; I remember one of my Spanish teachers in high school saying there’re different types of dialect in Spain).  A young girl from the city goes to live with her aunt and uncle in said countryside after her mother dies; her father passed away already too.  She has a younger cousin and occasionally goes to places where there are other children, but clearly there isn’t much to keep her occupied at this new location.  She has a doll collection and tells her cousin she can’t play with them, and I don’t even recall her playing with them after that.  Her new life is very boring and if the intention was to make us understand that, they succeeded, but that doesn’t mean we in the audience have to be bored too.  Many slice-of-life stories can be compelling (Kids, Clerks, Duck Season, among many others), but this was no fun at all.  9/18/2018

Summer of ’84                                                             G/VG

Eighties-set entertainment seems to be a big trend lately.  I mean, yeah, the decade did provide many great movies and some of the best music.  I’m sure you can figure out when this takes place.  The location is a suburban neighborhood in Oregon.  Several staples of Reagan-era cinema are here---kids on bikes (they’re 15 but look younger), creepy synthesizer on the soundtrack, hot chick undressing by the window (seriously, why do women in movies always seem to undress by an uncovered window?).  The film brought to mind Eighties flicks like The ‘Burbs, Fright Night, and even The Lost Boys (no vampires here though); thematically Blue Velvet came to mind as well with the notion of a picture-perfect suburb not being so idyll under the surface (“you never know what goes on behind closed doors” as the main character affirms).  A young teen suspects his cop neighbor is the local serial killer in the news, so he and his three buddies begin an investigation.  All the signs are there---he lives alone, there’s a padlocked door in the basement (the protagonist saw this after helping move furniture down there), he was seen with a kid that disappeared soon thereafter, he keeps another car in a storage unit, he buys countless bags of dirt and gardening tools, and a bloody shirt from a missing kid is found in his shed.  Now, in these types of cinematic scenarios, the cop is either innocent and all those clues were simply misunderstandings, or he actually is the killer.  Well, one of those possibilities would have to end up being right and, yes, this film may be derivative as hell (you can probably assume that from my description), but it’s generally a fun “Eighties movie” that didn’t actually come out in the Eighties.  It’s a simple story that’s occasionally brutal with all questions answered and leaves open the possibility for a sequel (which I actually wouldn’t mind seeing) with its dark implications.  The directing trio were also behind Turbo Kid, which I was a fan of, so I think it’s safe to say I’m a follower thus far.  8/26/2018

Summertime                                                                OK

Just because it’s a good story doesn’t mean it needs to be feature-length.  This French film about a lesbian romance amidst women’s rights in the early 70’s fits that description perfectly.  It points out some of the hypocrisies of movements like women’s rights and depicts how same-sex relationships were still considered perverted not that long ago, but it didn’t need to be so boring.  Many short stories and short films have provided long-lasting messages and influences.  This film would’ve benefitted from a shorter format.  11/28/2016

The Sun at Midnight                                                    EH/OK

A 16-year-old girl is forced to go stay with her grandmother somewhere up north (I don’t believe it’s Alaska).  She runs away shortly thereafter by boat until the motor dies and meets up with a man she eventually travels alongside through the mountain.  The girl is at least half American Indian and the man appears to be full-blooded, so I’m wondering if this film’s intention was to show the differences between how some modern Natives live versus the ways of traditional ones, as clearly this girl had no apparent ancestral ties.  Representation is good but this felt all too stereotypical, especially in 2018.  Everything from the title itself to the “wise old man” talking about communicating with spirits reeked of stereotypes.  Plus, wolves are involved.  Yeah, that’s not stereotypical at all.  The film itself is kind of bland too, even though the relationship between the elder and young girl could be sweet at times.  12/13/2018

Sun Kissed                                                                   G

This movie somewhat reminded me of the French thriller Swimming Pool.  Only it takes place in America and involves men instead of women.  It was easy to figure out after years of filmgoing, but I personally dug it because of the eye candy.  Generally mysterious and frustrating but might beg another viewing.  For me at least.  8/21/2016

The Super                                                                    EH/OK

This actually began somewhat okay with a slightly tense slasher sequence culminating in a murder involving pencils.  It then becomes a pretty lame slasher film with a supernatural touch taking place in a high rise apartment building.  There is a twist I actually didn’t expect but it wasn’t fresh one bit and didn’t make the movie any better.  In other words, it gets worse after the somewhat promising beginning.  And what the hell happened to Val Kilmer?  He looks terrible, his acting is terrible lately, and his chosen projects have been terrible lately.  I would say paychecks but I highly doubt too many people are going to see this and I certainly won’t spread the word, at least not commendingly.  12/26/2018

Super Dark Times                                                       G/VG

I was reminded of Mean Creek even though it’s not quite like it.  Both involve young people in a tragedy and how it subsequently alters their lives.  The incident occurs earlier in this film.  You sense it coming before it does happen and common sense should prohibit one from brawling with someone holding a sword.  We primarily focus on how one kid copes with the accident, convincingly portraying how someone his age (middle school) realistically might.  He becomes paranoid frequently, has haunting dreams, and distances himself from certain people.  Grief effects people differently and the other kid handles it very much unexpectedly causing me to think he may have always been disturbed.  I wonder how this film would’ve differentiated if it actually took place now with cell phones and social media.  Bill Clinton was speaking on a box TV so it took place between 1992 and 2000.  I’m guessing around 1996 since the popular Primitive Radio Gods song at the time was playing in the background at a party.  What’s great is that it could’ve been released during that time or earlier.  It felt like a Stephen King-based movie starting off with young boys hanging out and doing typical kid stuff before one event transforms mundanity into super dark times!  12/9/2017

Super Shark                                                                 B

Here we have a shark that can fly and walk on land with its fins.  It’s also really large.  It appeared from underneath the ocean floor after an oil rig incident and is once suggested to be a megalodon.  [The plot bears a lot of similarities to The Meg, even though this preceded that Jason Statham feature by 7 years, and if you thought The Meg was bad…].  It’s also CGI.  Not the worst I’ve seen, but that’s not saying much given how much I hate CGI.  None of the kills were noteworthy nor any fun and there were numerous ancillary characters being chomped on in between all the garrulous mumbo jumbo.  I mean, I don’t expect these sharksploitation movies to be masterpieces, but I still hope they’d be fun or at least so-bad-they’re-good, and this one was neither.  Super Shark isn’t so super.  At all!  4/3/2020

Super Troopers 2                                                        OK/G

I liked Super Troopers a teensy bit more than I disliked it.  It’s equally stupid (half funny-stupid and half ridiculous-stupid) and charming and one of those movies I’ve seen a couple times despite not thinking highly of it.  I actually liked this sequel much more than I disliked it.  Naturally, I would have higher expectations given the Broken Lizard troupe has 16 years and at least four other movies between the first film.  This one still has some ridiculous-stupid parts (Canadian vs. American stereotypes, a Fred Savage cameo, Rob Lowe’s character) but also crazier sequences (the dream in the beginning) and some laugh-out-loud moments (various drug reactions, montage featuring Canadian police impersonations).  If you like Super Troopers, you should like this one.  If you think Super Troopers is okay, you’ll likely feel the same about this one.  If you hated Super Troopers, I don’t know why you would bother with this because you’ll likely feel the same way or not much different.  All in all, there’s no denying the five men comprising Broken Lizard ever had the same level of camaraderie nor appeal as in the Super Troopers films.  4/30/2018

Surrender at Crow Lake                                             B

Here’s a worthless 10-minute short available through Streampix On Demand.  A man fishes on a tranquil lake.  A car blasting music drives up to the loading area.  A body wrapped in sheets is pulled out and dropped near the water.  The person is still alive.  The driver grabs a gun from the car.  Maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t the driver peruse the surrounding area before attempting an execution in broad daylight?  The guy in the rowboat is in plain view from the loading area.  Plus, entering an area blasting music isn’t exactly being discreet.  Muffling sounds won’t do shit if there’s eye witnesses.  Also, assuming the shooter is that absent-minded, why would the fisherman try bringing attention to himself?   His only defense would be to quickly row away, but I would assume bullets could outrun the fastest rower.  Anyway, it works out for most involved but the conclusion is outdated even for a short.  Just add an extra ten minutes to your nap instead.  4/29/2017

Swallow                                                                       OK

Talk about an unhealthy obsession!  The female protagonist here, a housewife that recently became pregnant, develops a habit of swallowing items not meant for consumption; first, it’s a marble, then, it’s a thumbtack, then it becomes a battery and other potentially harmful items.  If these items manage to come out the other end, she retrieves them, washes them, and groups them together as if they were souvenirs.  The people in her life do find out about this obsession and naturally no one is okay with it, and we eventually learn of a possible reason why she developed this habit, but it’s still baffling how one could still develop such a particular proclivity.  It does make for a compelling character study, a rather idiosyncratic one we’re not used to seeing, being more of a psychological drama despite being categorized as a psychological thriller, but it really doesn’t amount to much when all is said and done.  11/6/2020

Sweetie                                                                        EH

Australian film from 1989 about a dysfunctional family.  Well, the dysfunctional one is basically the sister/daughter nicknamed Sweetie who’s obviously batshit crazy.  She eats miniature porcelain horses when mad at her sister, gives her own dad a bath, barks like a dog when mad at her family for ditching her, and raves like a lunatic while naked in a treehouse.  Nah, she’s not crazy.  Overall, the film isn’t too interesting.  Simplicity is always effective when done properly, but ‘less is more’ definitely didn’t work here.  Similar to most people not caring about the drama surrounding other families, I didn’t see why I should’ve given two shits about this family and I didn’t.  The fate of the titular loony girl failed to make me feel anything being as she was quite detestable and undeserving of sympathy.  6/16/2018

Sweet Tooth (Season One)                                          G

I did like the comic book series created by Jeff Lemire when it came out, enough to collect all 40 issues that ended in 2013 (apparently a new series was released in November of last year).  When I saw the ads for this Netflix series, I did want to watch it, but, at the same time, I wasn’t sure how yet another apocalyptic TV series (or even a movie) would work.  Since it’s been 8 years, I obviously don’t remember most of what happened.  There is a bit of suspense throughout and I cared enough about some of the characters to make me give this season a mild recommendation; it really wasn’t that bad considering all the other post-apocalyptic material out there.  In it, a virus (“the sick”) wipes out a good deal of the population and those still alive must survive while trying to protect themselves from other people (yes, people, not zombies or other variations) in this new world gone to shit (dubbed “The Great Crumble”).  Also, at the beginning of the virus, a bunch of hybrid children were created (humans that are part animal).  We follow one named Gus, who is part deer, as he goes searching for his mother after his father succumbs to “the sick.”  He comes across others on his journey, particularly an ex-football player named Jep and a teenage girl that leads a group of other teens whose mission is to protect hybrids.  The story is obviously not over (aside from being only 8 episodes ranging from 39 to 55-minutes) and I will return, but I just hope they’ll know when to stop unlike another post-apocalyptic series based on a comic book that airs on AMC.  At least this is only based on 40 issues (I’m not counting the new series) as opposed to 193 though…6/8/2021

Sweet Virginia                                                             OK

Small town.  A crime.  Outsider.  Duplicitous characters.  You’ve seen this before.  The mountain town is “very far from Virginia,” a synopsis declares it’s Alaska but there was never any indication of it being set in that state (I was born in), the title just refers to the motel owned by “Shane” from The Walking Dead who used to be a rodeo rider from Virginia.  All those aforementioned clichés wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, this film appeared to have the makings of a decent thriller, it just draaaaaaaaaags and is so straightforward that I almost wanted a twist or two thrown in.  5/26/2018

Swiss Army Man                                                         OK/G

Upon first hearing of this movie where “Harry Potter” farts continuously in the beginning, I had absolutely no desire to see this.  Curiosity got the better of me after reading reviews.  It’s strangely bizarre to have a corpse fly in the air and swim afloat propelled by flatulence.  Apparently no one thought of it before this though.  Other than the gassy bits and the more disturbing (in my opinion) parts where the protagonist drinks water spewing from the living corpse’s mouth (ick), there was quite a bit of inventiveness and I was never bored.  There’s sure to be differing interpretations about the ending.  I can probably say my rating is closer to G than OK for not being nearly as bad as I imagined, but it’s still too bizarre (flatulence typically never worked for me) to fully praise.  I’m not saying not to watch it though.  You’re apt not to forget it.  10/7/2016

Synchronic                                                                  OK/G

The directing duo behind this, Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead, also gave us Resolution, Spring, The Endless, a segment of V/H/S: Viral, and the episode entitled “8” in the most recent season of The Twilight Zone.  [My favorite film of theirs so far is Resolution, which ended up tying in with The Endless, a film that felt incomplete viewed on its own].  If you’ve seen any of those titles, particularly the first three mentioned, you can likely deduce the filmmakers dabble in the bizarre, but are compelling nonetheless.  This newest film may be trippy at times, but is largely straightforward with nothing open-ended about it.  In it, a paramedic from New Orleans decides to take a popular new drug on the streets called (wait for it…) Synchronic after learning he’s dying and to try finding his co-worker’s daughter who went missing after taking said drug.  You see, this drug has the power to take you back to certain points in time that occurred at the exact location you take the drug at.  You only have a certain amount of time in this drug-induced “time hop” to return to the same spot you took the drug in before being stuck there forever.  Trust me, it all makes sense if you see it visually.  While the concept is great, I felt it could’ve been expanded upon much greater.  It is a decent film, yes, but I wasn’t entirely satisfied, and I felt it may have ended a bit too positively.  Perhaps I’m just too picky.  Or perhaps my expectations were too high.  I don’t know.  I’ll always be interested in what the directing duo puts out though (although I can’t believe they co-produced She Dies Tomorrow, which is not only the worst movie of 2020, but one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen!).  Perhaps there will be a companion piece like Resolution and The Endless and I’m getting too far ahead of myself?  1/20/2021

T

Table 19                                                                      OK

Also known as the “loser table.”  The whole notion of having a loser table at a wedding feels too much like a high school setting wherein they have their table and every other clique has theirs.  The “head” of the loser table (played by Anna Kendrick, being the ex-girlfriend of the bride’s brother and former maid of honor) even points out each like-minded table in typical teen comedy fashion.  It’s somewhat of a novel approach to focus on the less important figures since the focus is fixated on the important figures too often in wedding films.  We get to know these “losers” and they gradually realize none of them may be losers after all.  Blah, blah, blah.  In typical movie fashion, these “losers” eventually get what they want or are at least less miserable.  Sorry, that just reeks of typical saccharine Hollywood fluff to me.  In my school years, I would’ve sat at the “loser table,” if that.  Yup, I was a loser amongst losers at times and, nope, I never got what I wanted at the end of any of it.  That’s why I always call bullshit when the unpopular, unattractive or un-whatever gets the hot chick/dude or whatever they want that makes them happy.  I know, movie studios like to give people false hope or temporarily make them feel good while watching their films, but in reality, losers will likely always be losers, especially gay losers.  Wow, this is getting depressing.  Fuck you Table 19 for dredging up bad memories!  What is a loser anyway?  Aren’t we all losers to someone?  I’m done.  9/23/2017

Take Me to the River                                                   G/VG

What begins as a coming-of-age and hinted coming out tale involving a California clan attending a family reunion in Nebraska takes an unexpected turn with dark undertones.  The film is surprisingly suspenseful for being relatively action-less.  The open-endedness makes it more sinister.  You certainly won’t be singing any version of the titular song when you find out what the title possibly refers to.  Indie surprise!  9/14/2016

The Tale of Princess Kaguya                                      EH

Japanese animation from the same studio that gave us Spirited Away, Kiki’s Delivery Service and Ponyo.  It’s a good story about a princess born from bamboo sent from the moon but didn’t need to be almost 2 ½ hours!  A vignette would’ve been sufficient.  It’s too drawn out (no pun intended) plus lacks the charm and creativity of Spirited Away.  10/25/2016

Tales from the Hood 2                                                OK

Tales from the Hood is one of my favorite anthology films.  It is nearly perfect.  Not only were all the segments, including the wraparound, intriguing, but the entire film contained an underlying sense of dread.  Plus, it was simultaneously a commentary on the conditions of many black American communities.  This sequel also deals with race but more in the sense of what it’s like being a modern black American in general; it ultimately felt less ‘hood-y.  The same director returns along with a sidekick that was the writer of the first, plus Spike Lee returns as executive producer.  This time, Keith David, a man more recognizable by face than name, plays the “Cryptkeeper” instead of Clarence Williams III (Prince’s dad in Purple Rain) in the wraparound segment.  There are four other tales again, the first and last being the best in my opinion, the middle ones slightly average and nothing special, but none were completely terrible.  A creepy doll from the first anthology makes a cameo in a much different doll vignette this time and what a twisted segment it is.  The last story ends kind of depressingly while still managing to be potent in a deep alternate history/“butterfly effect” storyline.  This movie, as many sequels do, certainly had a lot to live up to.  No, it’s not as good, nor did I expect it to be.  I would’ve been very flabbergasted if it was.  There appeared to be a bit more comedy than expected and not the comic relief kind in most horror movies, but the tongue-in-cheek kind belonging in parodies.  All in all, it certainly wasn’t the worst anthology film I’ve seen, but it is still a sequel after all to a much greater predecessor.  There was no “Welcome to Hell…Motherfuckers!” either.  Well…nevermind.  10/5/2018

Tales from the Hood 3                                                OK

[Tales from the Hood is one of my favorite anthology films.  It is nearly perfect.  Not only were all the segments, including the wraparound, intriguing, but the entire film contained an underlying sense of dread.]

That was the beginning of my review for Tales from the Hood 2 which you can read in its entirety in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com.  I also said this---[The same director returns along with a sidekick that was the writer of the first, plus Spike Lee returns as executive producer.]---and the same applies for this threequel.  I also said this---[All in all, it certainly wasn’t the worst anthology film I’ve seen, but it is still a sequel after all to a much greater predecessor.]---which also applies and that’s the last I’m going to crib from that review.  The wraparound segment here involves Tony Todd (the original Candyman for those unaware) taking a little girl into an abandoned building to see her mother; the little girl tells four stories (the segments) while they make their way through said building.  The first one, the weakest one, is a typical “revenge from beyond the grave” tale that includes an evil clown I wish was utilized more.  The second one involves an irritating white racist that is so stereotypically over-the-top racist, bordering on parodical, making me anticipate his inevitable demise; it does end with quite a clever, albeit loopy, reveal though.  The third one reminded me of a film from 2005 (I obviously won’t reveal) after it ended and it did take me by surprise considering I thought the segment was initially going down a completely different route.  The last one began kind of goofy and involves a villain being cursed to “walk in his victim’s shoes,” but the phrase takes on quite a different meaning than you’d think.  The wraparound segment contains a comeuppance that’s not uncommon for a horror anthology segment with a cute (I guess you can say) nod to the first film.  As I implied, this collection wasn’t great, most segments contained reveals better than what came before, but you could do worse when it comes to horror anthology films.  I, personally, would just tell you to watch the first film, again or for the first time.  10/10/2020

Talk to Me                                                                   OK

Australian horror film wherein teens develop a new way of partying.  A game involves someone being strapped to a chair, touching a hand prop in a handshake, uttering the three titular words, and telling the spirit they see that they’re allowed in (at least two suggestions are given as to where said hand came from); after 90 seconds the spirit stays in them permanently if the “door” isn’t closed.  If you’ve ever seen a horror movie I don’t think it needs telling that something eventually goes wrong.  Of course there wouldn’t be a movie if it didn’t, and where’s the fun if something doesn’t go wrong?  I was curious about this film largely due to the accolades it received, particularly in the horror community.  It currently has a 94% rating on Rotten Tomatoes out of 272 critics!  Instead of saying I should stop looking forward to seeing new movies, because I’m always going to want to see entertainment released (even if out of curiosity), I should just learn to never have high expectations.  I did see this going somewhere in the beginning, and there is an honorable sense of dread, but it felt lacking when all was said and done, cliché at times.  Plus, it seemed like it could’ve been much darker, especially the ending which hinted at something really dark, but truly just felt, again, cliché.  There was already a sequel announced shortly after this film’s theatrical release.  Perhaps the Philippou brothers will know what to improve on next time and possibly make this feel less limited and more of a companion piece.  Otherwise this is just another film that didn’t live up to the hype for me.  8/27/2023

Tall Men                                                                      B

Two hours and 14 minutes?  I thought it was a typo printed on the Netflix envelope until I checked the remaining time with the DVD remote.  This movie absolutely did not need to be that long.  It should’ve been 15 minutes!  It’s a very silly premise filmed in a very gloomy manner.  You should be able to foresee the overdone “twists.”  If not, you have a little over 2 uneventful hours to figure them out.  7/1/2017

Tau                                                                              G

I thought the title would refer to an Asian name or something East Asian specific, but it actually refers to an advanced A.I. system controlling an entire house in this ‘Netflix Original.’  The creator of this system holds people captive (the temporary focus is on a young woman) in order to feed certain emotions to it, and there is a deadly consequence for those that try to escape or disobey the house’s commands (when he happens to be out).  As advanced as it is, it is still technology after all created by humans that have the power to destroy it (as it does us).  I do feel there could’ve been much more to the story (it felt so limited), but the film looks great and was generally a decent sci-fi thriller.  7/4/2018

Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version)

“Taylor’s Version” is the one available on Disney+, labeled such because it includes a few more songs than the theatrical release.  It is roughly three hours (comprising material from every one of her albums, hence the Eras, and is solely a Taylor Swift concert its entire length, no interviews or montages throughout) with about 30-minutes of acoustic performances after the credits.  Am I a Swiftie?  No, not at all, but she does have some good tunes.  Why would I bother with this three hour concert film of hers?  She is currently a big deal (let’s face it, as good as Travis Kelce may or may not be at football, he wouldn’t be in the spotlight nearly as much if he wasn’t dating her), and I’ll likely never attend one of her concerts in person.  Plus, I wouldn’t have bothered if I disliked her, which I don’t (I do have a very eclectic musical taste, listening to mostly everything besides country and R&B, but even liking some songs here and there from those genres).  Concerts may be cool and all, but many times I would rather watch them at home; that way, I can avoid crowds and adjust the volume to my liking (plus take breaks, like I did here); you also have the best view this way.  The sold-out concert for the titular tour featured here took place in L.A. on the last night of the U.S. run.  There didn’t appear to be any intermissions as Taylor played straight through amongst different sets alongside dancers and musicians.  I did like some of the songs performed, ones I knew and ones I didn’t; some I just felt indifferent, also for ones I knew and ones I didn’t.  I did have to watch it in three separate segments, as a little past the hour mark was a bit too much for me at a time (I’m sure an actual Swiftie, like my nieces, would tell you otherwise though).  I didn’t give this a rating, because it is strictly for Swifties, or even just the casual fans, which consists of a diverse group of people based on the audience members (I heard more than one F-bomb uttered by the singer---I thought she was for all ages!).  I wasn’t converted to a Swiftie after watching, but at least I can now say I “saw” her in concert.  3/25/2024

The Teacher                                                                G

Here is an early Eighties-set film from Slovakia/Czech Republic (I wasn’t sure exactly, I had to look it up), so, yes, that means subtitles for anyone not fluent in Slovak.  Obviously the teacher in question did something wrong as the film jumps back and forth between the students in her class and the parents having a night meeting in regards to her.  You do learn what kind of person she is during intercut scenes of her with specific kids and/or their parents.  There is no big payoff, but I was rarely bored and there’s a bit of suspense to it all, kind of in a 12 Angry Men sort of way.  1/16/2019

Te Ata                                                                          G

Before this I never knew a single thing about Te Ata, a Chickasaw Indian from the early 20^th Century, whom was a stage actress representing her culture.  By ancestry, she was half-Chickasaw (her mother was German) but “spiritually” she was all Chickasaw as stated.  I’m not surprised I never heard of her considering this country has been trying to eradicate American Indian history since colonization.  Although based on a true story, I find it hard to believe she didn’t face much prejudice while attending an all-white university in Oklahoma, while at the same time it was refreshing to see acceptance instead of the same white racism against a non-white.  While some of the friendliness from her peers and instructors rubbed off as exploitative instead of inclusive, it was mentioned that her cultural representation would be “an advantage and not a crutch.”  This film is far from perfect, but it’s completely harmless and enlightening for those of all ages wanting to see an unfamiliar tale about a historical Native American that wasn’t prominent like Pocahontas and Sacagawea, even though this film proves she should’ve been.  2/10/2018

Ted (Season One)                                                        OK

New series on Peacock that’s a prequel to the two films created by Seth MacFarlane (also the creator of Family Guy); more of an in-between-quel since you do see when Ted comes to life in the first film (set in the Eighties).  This seven-episode installment (as it’s labeled), ranging from 33-to-50-minutes each (only the pilot is 50-minutes), takes place in the early Nineties (the main human character is played by Max Burkholder).  Now, I did somewhat enjoy the two films, they being fun and funny at times (a foul-mouthed live-action teddy bear is kind of hard not to be funny though), but I still wouldn’t call myself a devotee.  I was curious enough to check out this series.  I basically feel the same about it---it was fun and funny at times, but it’s merely just satisfactory as a whole.  Some of it just wasn’t funny, like the two parents (I just couldn’t see Alanna Ubach as a submissive housewife after playing other roles like a thug in Freeway and a crabby server in Waiting…, but that’s why it’s called acting).  That’s not to say I’m indifferent towards it; I never felt like I forced myself to continue (you’d think I’d give it a higher rating because of that), and any fans of the two films are sure to enjoy it somewhat.  I read nothing of any plans to take this series further, just that it was a prequel to Ted and Ted 2, but I think we may have seen enough of the titular potty-mouthed stuffie (I wouldn’t be surprised if we eventually see a spinoff of another inanimate object made sentient here though).  1/17/2024

Teenage Cocktail                                                        B

New girl in school meets another girl.  They might be in love with each other.  They live in California but desire living in New York (“grass is always greener”).  They hang out, go to parties, drink, make out, experiment sexually---you know, typical teenager stuff.  They also make risqué videos online to make money for this desired New York move.  They decide to meet up with someone in hopes of scoring big and things don’t exactly work out for everyone involved, but you probably know that right?  It shouldn’t be hard for even the most unenlightened viewer to put two and two together considering the prologue shows a later event with characters we eventually meet.  This movie was lame and terr-i-ble!  2/6/2018

Teen Titans Go! To the Movies                                   EH/OK

I’ve never seen a single episode of the show(s), never had a desire to, and don’t plan on starting now.  There’re lots of other shows I haven’t even gotten around to watching yet.  I thought the preview for this movie looked funny before you question why I even bothered with this then.  Plus, movies are generally done in one sitting (yes, I know you can binge-watch a show in one sitting too!).  This animated movie is basically a parody of superhero movies but kind of gets away with it for being a cute cartoon, and actually does become sort of a superhero movie closer to the end.  It was fun and funny…sometimes; sometimes it wasn’t, sometimes it was rather annoying with failed attempts at humor much like any live-action parody.  I also got bored pretty early.  Again, I’ve never seen a single episode of anything Teen Titans related, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask?  11/1/2018

Tell Me How I Die                                                      EH

Imagine a lame Final Destination movie without any gruesome death sequences.  In a nutshell, a bunch of young people, mostly college students, participate in a paid study ($2,000 each time? Doesn’t sound bad at all) involving drugs intended to improve memory but, for some, show a glimpse of the near future, including deaths.  Naturally, an irritated test subject from the past wants revenge on the doctor(s) and vows to kill anyone in the building if the doctor on site doesn’t off himself.  I’m sure you can guess what the doctor chooses; otherwise we wouldn’t have this pseudo-slasher movie.  *Cue sarcasm* Good job screenwriters for setting it in an isolated building during a massive snowstorm.  Good job for having the test subjects hand in their car keys beforehand.  Don’t give anyone an easy way out or allow any help an easy way in!  Good job for having a skeleton crew on hand since it happens to be a holiday weekend, making less people for any psycho killer to deal with.   Obviously you’ve watched so many formulaic thrillers before!  *End sarcasm* And where’s the suspense if we see a “premonition” before it actually happens the exact same way?  I wish I had some of those drugs to warn me of how lame this movie was before I actually watched it!  3/10/2018

Temple                                                                                    B

What could’ve been a decent thriller set in the Japanese countryside is marred by a laughably horrific creature and a suggested twist that’s been ineffective for quite some time.  In regards to another twist, did the filmmakers seriously think we wouldn’t know the boy guide wasn’t a ghost?  They try to surprise us at the end by revealing all the times he wasn’t really there.  Puh-lease!  I’d like to take a trip to Japan one day, not just see it in crappy movies like this.  The only positive thing I can say is that it’s not even 75 minutes without credits.  That’s still 75 minutes you could’ve spent watching something much better.  11/4/2017

10x10                                                                          EH/OK

Man follows woman.  Man kidnaps woman.  Man takes woman to his house and locks her in the dimensional room of the title.  More than one fight ensues.  Man chose this woman for a reason.  Neither are who they initially appear to be.  Stockholm syndrome?  Not quite.  If anything, this film just solidified my contempt for bible-thumping zealots, or at least prove how batshit crazy some of them can be.  While not the absolute worst of its kind, it’s still unnecessary.  5/15/2018

10 Cloverfield Lane                                                     G

One could argue this is only an “in-name” sequel.  The title refers to the name of the address in which most of the film takes place.  That being said, don’t go into this expecting anything like the first movie, which is Cloverfield, only because the name is in the title and we know this was marketed as a sequel.  Change the title to 10 Something/Anywhere/Whatever Lane and this could be a stand-alone movie.  This film isn’t anywhere near as fun and frightening as the first one, kind of drags but is still worth watching.  I’m not gonna deny the suspense factor and we do see creatures at the end, but again, they’re not as cool as the creature(s) in the first one.  3/29/2016

Ten Minutes to Midnight                                             OK/G

Caroline Williams playing a radio host?  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 much?  Not quite.  That’s where the comparison ends.  This was also Nicholas Tucci’s last role, he likely most famous for You’re Next, in which this film was dedicated (he was only my age when he passed!).  Caroline’s character shows up to work one night before her retirement after being bitten by what appears to be a vampire bat.  The night gradually gets more bizarre, and bloodier, even going down David Lynch territory towards the end.  There was something hypnotic about this film and there appears to be good metaphors for certain topics, I won’t reveal which in case I’m wrong, which I have been before (I’d love to hear your thoughts).  It’s barely even 72-minutes, so time spent will not be an issue, the vampire designs (when present) are old school too (meaning worthy), but I can’t ultimately say it was as good as it could’ve been (especially with its potential).  It did feel like one of those films that might age better though, and I’d still tell horror fans to check it out.  I wonder if a character eating Chinese noodles was a nod to The Lost Boys?  R.I.P.  Nicholas Tucci.  8/12/2021

Terrifier                                                                       OK/G

Art the Clown, originally seen in the horror anthology, All Hallows’ Eve, in his own spinoff film.  I don’t remember much about that film, but my archives indicate I gave it an OK/G rating, the same I’m giving this.  I was informed I didn’t have to refresh my memory, so I didn’t, otherwise my OCD would never have allowed me to watch this right away.  Despite being a spinoff, I don’t think you’d need any origin stories to watch a film about a clown that kills people.  That’s all Terrifier entails, nothing more, nothing less.  Art puts Pennywise to shame (either version) and doesn’t utter a single sound, even when being harmed (Art is to Jason/Michael Myers as Pennywise is to Freddy).  The film is violent as hell when it wants to be; one scene adds new meaning to being “sliced in half,” giving the beginning scene in Wrong Turn 2 a hefty run for its money.  A simplistic horror movie involving a clown brutally murdering people?  You’d think I’d love this film to the moon and back.  In retrospect, I very much did.  The other part of me, the critical part (or some would say matured), wished there was at least an ounce of a plot and that it took place in more than one primary dingy location.  Also, its low-budget is still apparent despite its high ambitions.  Plus, this goes for both victims and assailants---whenever you stab or harm someone with the intention of escaping or killing them, make sure you actually kill them because they’ll eventually gain consciousness and come after you!  And in true slasher fashion, the seemingly invincible villain suggests the possibility of a sequel at the end.  No, this film isn’t perfect but I’d still tell clown lovers (there isn’t a scientific term for it yet; clownophile isn’t a word according to the internet and coulrophile denotes a sexual attraction to clowns) to check it out; everyone else need not apply.  Would I have liked it less being the same exact movie with a different killer not necessarily a clown?  Hard to say but a villain’s appearance often very much differentiates these movies (many evil clown movies are slasher/body count films but the clown automatically puts it in its own subgenre).  Welcome to the cinematic evil clown family, Art!  6/5/2018

Terrifier 2                                                                    OK/G

Terrifier is a film that was better the second time.  You can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/06/mooby-reviews-61318.html.  I probably expected too much from it the first time, but it’s really just a short, mean-spirited bloodbath, and what more could you possibly desire from an evil clown flick?  Art the Clown is one sadistic MFer and certainly has even more fun brutally slaughtering people in this sequel that’s almost an hour longer (138-minutes, to be exact; the first one was roughly 84).  It picks up right after its predecessor, taking place on and around Halloween.  I don’t know if you heard of complaints that this movie was too violent; well, it’s definitely gory, but very over-the-top (much like the first), meaning you know you’re watching a movie.  Trust me, all the violent films I’ve seen in my lifetime, I’ve seen ones that were much more nauseating.  It surely tops the first one in the gore department though, as gory as that one was.  True horror fans are the ones this was made for to begin with, as well as those that are even somewhat fans of the last one (needless to say, like always, why would you want to watch a sequel to a movie you didn’t see, or like?).  Some parts may be a little too over-the-top, and the runtime does make it slightly feel drawn out, but it’s generally a fun sequel (I feel it may age better with more viewings, like its predecessor).  Oh, and this is yet another film wherein someone is watching the original Night of the Living Dead!  11/13/2022

Terror in the Woods                                                    OK/G

This Lifetime TV movie was obviously inspired by the Slenderman case.  It even states it was based on a true story in the beginning (hmm…).  The supernatural creature here is called Suzerain instead of Slenderman and it’s found on Creepy Storypedia instead of Creepypasta (hmm…).  Two sixth grade girls lure another girl into the woods in an attempt to sacrifice her in order to save them and their families from the Suzerain.  Should sound familiar to anyone familiar with the Slenderman case.  On one hand, it does realistically portray what it’s like being an insecure sixth grader, almost as much as, if not better than, Eighth Grade.  The acting may not have been superb but, one, it’s a Lifetime TV movie and, two, the performers were actually that age which may have added some authenticity to it.  Clearly these girls, much like the real ones, were too immature to fully comprehend what they were actually doing.  The one girl even clearly had a mental illness which the parents swept under the rug by claiming she was too young to have one.  While this may not be flawless (as can be expected given the format and channel it aired on), it really wasn’t that bad considering the format and channel it aired on.  10/15/2018

The Terror of Hallow’s Eve                                        G

Bullying will always be a part of society no matter how many PSA’s are made; it’s just part of human nature and humans are animals.  Sometimes bullies get their comeuppances though, but unfortunately that happens more often in the movies; Carrie, the Creepshow 2 wraparound segment, that scene in A Christmas Story, and Let the Right One In are just a few of the many examples that come to mind (at least the best examples) and now this movie is another example.  I initially passed on this because the preview didn’t look too good and all the reviews were bad (something I should know not to go by).  I had a free Redbox code, saw it was short, and a horror-themed page on Facebook recommended it (something I should also know not to go by), so I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  The Trickster looks like it stumbled off a Harry Potter set (at least initially) and the concept reminded me of both a Tales from the Crypt and Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode (which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with), but I rather enjoyed this indie that takes place on Halloween in 1981, and the majority of the effects were practical (a huge plus for me).  Quite a surprise this was, yes indeed.  1/12/2019

Terror Train                                                                EH

The original Terror Train was never one of my favorite slasher movies, and I wasn’t much a fan of this remake (available on Tubi) at all.  I recalled the original as I was watching this, therefore it’s likely more of a replica than a re-imagining.  Sure, there may be a few things altered, but I didn’t watch the original recently so I’m not exactly sure.  The story involves a group of college students having a costume party aboard a train wherein a masked killer begins offing them throughout the night.  There was a cool clown mask here, which I don’t remember in the original, but it wasn’t utilized the majority of the time.  Some of the kills were okay here, but this film was largely a bore.  Add this to the pile of unnecessary remakes (to a film I don’t deem a classic anyhow), or just unnecessary movies period.  10/21/2022

Terror Train 2                                                             EH

The Terror Train remake was just released two months ago (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/10/spirit-halloween-movie.html)!  This sequel, also released on Tubi (meaning free), picks up a year later wherein survivors of the first film aboard the same train in order to move on from the past.  That’s usually not the best idea in movies, but then, of course, we wouldn’t have this unnecessary sequel to an unnecessary remake to a film that wasn’t great to begin with.   Did this film suck?  What do you think?  More importantly, what did you expect?  The kills were mostly lame and the script was poorly written.  Again, what did I expect?  I only watched it to be festive since it takes place on New Year’s and I watched it on New Year’s Eve.  Yeah, that’s probably what I tell myself, but my OCD would say different.  I really hope they don’t make a Terror Train 3, because that damn OCD will force me to watch it.  Happy New Year!  12/31/2022

Texas Chainsaw Massacre                                          OK/G

The original 1974 film directed by the late Tobe Hooper is one of my favorite films; I’ve seen it countless times and it is still good to this day.  It’s amazing how a film made almost 50 years ago still manages to be raw and harrowing, almost as if what you’re watching is real.  The other films that followed are decent (take them for what they are), obviously nowhere near as good, the spoofy Next Generation being the only one I don’t really care for (the only other film I wrote a review for is Leatherface, which you can check out here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/01/mooby-reviews-1418.html).  This recently-released Netflix film claims to be a direct sequel to the Tobe Hooper original, following other franchise additions by simply dropping the The in the title (clearly The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 was already taken, as was simply Texas Chainsaw, another film that was supposed to be a direct sequel to the original).  It didn’t feel like a remake (the 2003 one actually being decent) and not because it contained the return of the Sally character, obviously not played by the late Marilyn Burns, but certainly felt like a sequel, lacking the gritty realism of its alleged predecessor (it actually takes place now though, so of course it’s going to look modern).  Since the original film is beloved by so many (yours truly included), I, and likely many others, didn’t go into this expecting something equally as worthy.  As a standalone film, it really isn’t that bad.  As far as “sequels” released almost 50 years later and made for Netflix, it really isn’t that bad.  I actually kind of enjoyed a fair amount of it.  There is violence, a whole lot of it (some parts extreme), which it definitely succeeded in outdoing its “predecessor (the original doesn’t have much of the red stuff, but clearly demonstrates you don’t necessarily need gore in order to be effective; it was also released in 1974, after all).”  It does still suffer a bit from “sequel-itis” given it does claim to be a sequel, and it was really short in that it felt like it was over and done instantly, but, as mentioned, as far as sequels released 48 years later on Netflix, it could’ve been much worse…much worse.  2/19/2022

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:  The Beginning        OK/G

Not necessarily a fan of prequels to movies, especially years after the film (and considering this is a prequel to the remake), I actually didn’t hate this film.  Totally unnecessary, like most sequels/prequels/remakes, but surprisingly worth watching.  Good gore scenes throughout.  I’m particularly fond of the exploding cow totaling the car.  3/27/2016

Thanksgiving                                                               G

There may be a plethora of Halloween and Christmas horror movies, but there aren’t too many taking place during that time sandwiched between the two holidays (I’ve never really been a fan of Thanksgiving; I’m just not crazy about the foods associated with it; I can eat turkey any time of the year, and I prefer it as a deli meat anyway, thank you).  There’s Blood Rage, ThanksKilling, (its sequel) ThanksKilling 3, and The Last Thanksgiving (which I just recently saw), none of which are exactly spectacular (ThanksKilling was kind of fun, lasting a little over an hour, not quite deserving of any honors, but far better than the abysmal sequel that only has an Evil Dead II reference going for it); Pilgrim (part of the Into the Dark franchise) was decent.  Here, we have a slasher film based on a faux trailer created for the Grindhouse double feature.  Now, there’s not much one can expect from a slasher movie (now or in the past), whether you are a fan of them or not (like yours truly)---someone kills people and the motive is generally based on revenge or territory, as a Fangoria article recently affirmed.  My expectations were a bit higher for this one though given Eli Roth was behind it (as well as the aforementioned trailer), a filmmaker whom always proudly wore his lifelong love for the horror genre on his sleeve, even hosting a show based on the history of it (you can read my reviews for all three of the seasons in these blogs---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/12/mooby-reviews-12218.html, https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/11/growing-up-with-i-spit-on-your.html, and https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/11/chapelwaitenight-at-eagle-inn.html; the only film of his I penned a review for before was the gateway horror flick, The House with a Clock in Its Walls, in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-10718.html).  The killer here, primarily donning a mask of the town’s first mayor, the town being Plymouth, Massachusetts, is out for revenge (motive!) after a Black Friday incident the year prior (does Black Friday with Bruce Campbell count as a Turkey Day flick?  It’s not even that great, if so).  This holiday slasher delivers enough to receive a passing grade.  I wasn’t too impressed with the first kill (I’m referring to the slashed victims, not the Black Friday ones), but the succeeding ones were, by and large, suitable (I can’t say I ever saw someone murdered on a trampoline before).  The rest of the film when people aren’t biting the big one is engaging enough too.  Not a perfect movie, but definitely a worthy addition to not only slasher flicks, but to the meager list of Thanksgiving horror films as well.  11/17/2023

Thelma                                                                        OK/G

This is basically a sapphic art-house version of Carrie.  Unlike the Brian De Palma/Stephen King-based movie, this Norwegian film doesn’t lead to quite an explosive finale.  This is as art-house as it gets.  It basically spits in the face of Christianity too.  If Thelma was simply allowed to be herself, her condition, similar to Carrie White’s, would’ve been kept at bay.  I wonder if Christians would also favor it when it’s suggested that unwanted thoughts can be eradicated if you put your mind to it?  It’s very sad there’re still people in the world believing homosexuality (even the thought) and alcohol consumption (even just one beer apparently) are sins demanding forgiveness by an almighty creator. This film does contain some interesting notions but much, much, much, much patience is surely needed if you decide to partake.  12/13/2017

There’s Someone Inside Your House                          OK

(haiku review)

Typical slasher.

Secrets are what makes you die.

The kills are worthy.  10/6/2021

*Available on Netflix*

There’s Something in the Barn                                    OK/G

I know its three months past Christmas, but this just became available on Netflix and I wanted to see it and wasn’t waiting until next holiday season!  In it, an American family of four move to Norway to live in a house the man inherited from his uncle that passed away (you see what happens to him in the beginning; and yes, there are subtitles sometimes, not most of the time though).  Behind this house is a (wait for it…) barn, and in this barn dwells a barn elf (the Something of the title), a pint-sized creature resembling a mini-Santa Claus, or just one of the Seven Dwarfs.  You see, if you treat this barn elf right, it will treat you right (i.e. shovel a walkway for you), but if you treat it wrong, you better watch out!  There are certain rules the son is given to avoid treating it wrong, plus he’s told something he can do to placate it on Christmas Eve, but I think it needs no saying that rules are broken, being this is a horror-comedy.  This really wasn’t as bad as it could have been, reminding me of films like Gremlins and Rare Exports, and also of Krampus and A Christmas Horror Story at times.  I felt there were times violence was held back by implying it, but there’s still some of the red stuff (surely earning its R-rating, in addition to some bad language), and it may totally feel tonally inconsistent in the grand scheme of things, between being a cozy holiday flick and a horror-comedy, but I enjoyed it enough.  I’m not saying it’s going to become an annual watch, but I might revisit it once every two or three years during the actual Yuletide season; it just isn’t the same watching holiday movies, horror or not, any other time of the year...3/21/2024

They Found Hell                                                         B

It’s never a good sign when you want a movie to be over shortly after it begins!  Terrible special effects ruin what probably looked good on paper.  3/28/2016

They Live Inside Us                                                     EH

Feature-length expansion of a segment bearing the same title from the anthology series, The Witching Season, which you can read my review for from the archives here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/10/halloween-party.html.  As you’ll see in that review, if you read it, I thought the segment in question could’ve worked as a feature film.  Unfortunately, it didn’t.  In the vignette, as well as this film, a writer enters a supposed haunted house and tries writing scripts containing horror villains.  Now, there could be both pros and cons when expanding a story.  The biggest con here was the unnecessary filler---the protagonist endlessly searching the house, taking care of his daughter, etc.  Roughly the same amount of time is spent here on the “scripts coming to life” scenes as in the series; the segment was roughly a half hour and this film was a little over 100-minutes; that’s a lot of extra filler, which was, as I said, unnecessary, in my honest opinion.  Just watch The Witching Season, if you haven’t already, which contains four other segments in addition to the much-condensed version of this and will take up less of your time; it’s still available on Tubi (meaning free).  2/23/2021

They’re Watching                                                        OK/G

Americans visiting a foreign country that isn’t too welcoming.  Sound familiar?  That’s exactly how this thriller pans out during the first three-quarters.  Seen from the POV of a documentary crew’s footage for a TV show, my review began as EH.  That’s because more than half the movie involves the crew receiving threats and typical “get out” warnings from the East European locals.  I thought it would eventually lead to the tourists being slaughtered.  Things turn ominous in the beginning of the last quarter so my review inched up to OK.  The last quarter actually reveals a different outcome than expected and boy is blood shed!  That’s why my final review ended up being between OK and G.  25% of the running time isn’t quite enough to recommend a film but it’s somewhat worth the wait if you make it that far.  There’s also a weird shot at the end involving frogs that’s quite bizarre yet interesting to witness.  10/8/2016

They/Them                                                                  OK/G

New Peacock film wherein LGBT teens attend a conversion camp, although they’re informed in the beginning it’s not a typical conversion camp.  Uh-huh.  Apparently conversion therapy still exists in parts of the world.  Back in the Nineties when it was still largely unacceptable to be gay, my parents even suggested a group consisting of other individuals looking to “change their ways.”  I refused.  Anyway, this film is basically But I’m a Cheerleader with a body count.  Unfortunately, it is more But I’m a Cheerleader than Sleepaway Camp, or even Friday the 13^th (Kevin Bacon does appear here, after all), which wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t expect more of a Sleepaway Camp.  After a rather standard slasher kill in the beginning (that doesn’t mean ineffective though), there isn’t another kill for quite a while and then not another one a bit after that.  It does give us ample time to get to know the majority of characters, yes, but many of the kills weren’t that impressive and the killer’s identity was way too obvious.  Plus, it felt like there should’ve been more to it by the time it was over.  Still, it was decent for a slasher made in 2022 that is meant to be inclusive, at least character-wise.  I think the ultimate message indicates how much damage these conversion therapy organizations cause (needless to say).  8/5/2022

The Third Murder                                                       EH/OK

A man admits to a murder we see occur in the very beginning and the lawyers want to have him committed for murder and theft instead of murder-robbery since he stole the victim’s wallet after burning the body.  For being 2 hours, I thought that surely there had to be more to this Japanese film than that.  There is, but not much in the way of making it intriguing, although I was curious to see how it would end.  It’s a sophisticated-looking film (like many Japanese films) with great performances but contains a ridiculous plot filled with clichés and a riddling conclusion.  I like open-ended stories in the right measure so long as I enjoyed a good portion of its whole (David Lynch who?), but I took away two possible conclusions from this in which neither would’ve necessarily made the film as a whole better, but it might’ve made a second viewing better if called for.  12/22/2018

The Third Saturday in October Part V                        OK/G

The Third Saturday in October takes place in the late Seventies in Alabama and begins with a serial killer getting the electric chair.  In true slasher fashion, he wakes up before being put into the ground and begins another killing spree.  Now, the aesthetic of the film gets a passing grade since it actually looked like it came out in the decade it occurs; something about films in that time, particularly horror, look so appealing to me.  As for the content?  Meh.  The characters are fine, but it’s nothing particularly special (I know, how original can you be with slashers, now or in the past?) and the majority of kills weren’t exactly noteworthy.  You did read the title of this review right; this is titled Part V as there are no parts two, three, and four (although they do exist in this cinematic universe and we’re given clips to those films in a “flashback” at the beginning).  This one takes place in 1994, both films made to appear as if released at their coinciding times (both released on the same day this year).  This one was more fun; the kills were definitely an improvement (although still not grand) and I wonder if that was part of the whole gimmick in that slasher films usually try to one-up their predecessor(s) in terms of violence (these aren’t parodies either; definitely homages).  The killer dons a passable skull mask this time too as opposed to seeing his disfigured mug before.  Even though I liked this sequel better (although flawed), the first one makes a good companion piece and you should probably still watch both (this one just has more substance whereas the other was strictly style).  The end of the credits indicate there will be a sixth entry (third for us), but I wonder if that was just another part of the gimmick…9/18/2023

13 Cameras                                                                 EH/OK

I feel like a broken record writing the same old reviews for the same old movies.  This is yet another modern thriller about a psycho (here a) landlord that installs hidden cameras (I didn’t count to see if it was actually 13) in a home about to be inhabited by a married couple.  He spies on them, enters the home when they’re not, feeds the dog table food, swims in the pool and keeps a woman locked up in the basement.  I don’t understand how people can be unaware of someone locked in a part of their house (muffled sound or not) especially if the person in question is missing.  Also, it takes the couple several days to realize one of their doors leads to a basement?!  I don’t know about any of you but if I just got a house, condo, whatever, I’d want to know where each door leads to and check every inch of the dwelling.  That’s just me.  I do get to know the main characters pretty well and there is a modicum (barely) of suspense.  That’s why my rating rests between EH and OK.  Like modern thrillers of this sort, the ending suggests a possible sequel that most likely won’t happen or go unnoticed if it does.  I certainly won’t care and I’ll probably forget about this movie before I watch the next similar thriller.  10/1/2016

13 Reasons Why                                                          G

I watched the first episode on a whim, got hooked and binge-watched the entire Netflix series (13 episodes) in two days.  I never read the book so I expected nothing.  There are typical high school issues like rape, rumors and gossip, but the execution makes it worthwhile.  I recall a writing course I took years ago that stated there’s essentially only ten different stories; it’s unique in the way they’re told.  A girl killed herself after making cassette tapes detailing each person and event leading her to do so.  Utilizing a tape per episode adds a tinge of suspense and being a miniseries allows us time to familiarize with everyone, unlike underdeveloped teen films with too many supporting characters.  The revelations aren’t too original but, like I said, its presentation keeps you watching.  I read about the author’s original ending and I’m glad he nixed it, because I was actually hoping that wasn’t going to happen.  I’m unsure if a second season is intended since this was labeled season one.  I don’t think a similar story needs to be told again, unless they somehow make it darker and utilize another innovative technique.  4/10/2017

31                                                                                EH/OK

Rob Zombie.  Most people either love him or hate him.  I don’t love him but I’m more of an admirer than detractor.  I liked a fair portion of his music with White Zombie and his early years as a solo artist.  I enjoyed House of 1000 Corpses and its sequel, The Devil’s Rejects.  I hated Halloween and Halloween II before watching them but didn’t despise them as much as others.  They were well-made, stylish and gory but I still prefer any of the original franchise sequels; they were so-bad-its-good.  I liked The Lords of Salem better the second time.  All in all, I think he’s an interesting person and I’m willing to hear or watch anything he’s involved in.  When I heard his next film was about evil clowns killing people on Halloween, I was more excited than a shark attending the Polar Bear Plunge.  Rob, this movie was disappointing!  There’s no clowns here, just psycho freaks wearing make-up!  This was basically a Running Man-type, microcosmic Purge geek show.  The characters are generally annoying trailer trash, both the victims and villains.  The attacks are poorly executed except for maybe the chainsaw duo.  The various monologues are hackneyed and juvenile.  Some parts are incomprehensible, such as a Nazi midget speaking Spanish (?!) and a killer stating “In Hell, everyone loves popcorn.”  Really?  Never heard that one before, nor does it make a modicum of sense.  Rob, looks like the saying is all yours!  However, underneath all this dreck is a film I somewhat liked and wanted to like.  It has its moments of stylized brutality Mr. Zombie is very good at delivering.  If I watch it again, it won’t be right away.  I have no desire to.  Better luck next time Rob!  11/6/2016

This is Gwar

Gwar was often viewed as a joke band in the metal world, kind of like Insane Clown Posse in the rap world.  Many people go to their concerts just for the show itself, probably not always for the music alone.  [If you do happen to attend one of their concerts and are close to the stage, make sure you wear attire you don’t care about because you will get sprayed with something].  I like some of their songs, but never truly followed them as much as I feel I should have.  The only time I saw them live was at Warped Tour and they didn’t play that long (as the majority of bands on that tour don’t).  I remember the stage show more than the actual music, go figure, and I witnessed a fight break out nearby, so my attention was also on that.  My first taste of them was likely in Empire Records back when it came out, even though I heard of them before that.  This documentary covers the band’s beginnings in Virginia during the Eighties up to the present with all the lineup changes and inevitable internal strife in between.  My high school classmate and documentary filmmaker, Tommy Avallone (The Bill Murray Stories; Waldo on Weed; I Love You, You Hate Me), was one of the producers.  Like many documentaries, it is informative at times (I learned a few things I wouldn’t have known had I not seen this), but, also like many documentaries, it does drag at times, especially since it’s almost 2 hours.  I would imagine only those that are fans of the band, or somewhat aware, would be interested, but I can’t tell you what to watch; you know what you’d be getting into and no one is forcing you to watch (needless to say).  You’ll definitely get to witness the human qualities (shockingly emotional at times) of these people behind the costumes.  11/7/2022

Thoroughbreds                                                            OK

A girl and her friend plan on offing her stepfather, but even as the friend says, he didn’t exactly make the girl feel unsafe and I don’t see why she hated him that much.  Sure, he may have had an attitude with the stepdaughter and her mother at times, but there was no evident physical or sexual violence, and that’s just how families function.  People fight and parents/stepparents make rules and forbid their kids/stepkids from doing things.  The girl was just crazy.  Initially, the girls reminded me of Daria and Jane (from Daria in case you didn’t know) with their deadpan, apathetic mannerisms.  All in all, it’s basically an arty film containing elements of Heavenly Creatures, The Quiet and many other thrillers involving two girls (or women) and murder.  I wish I could say I liked this more than I did, but like the one girl mentions how her life and life in general is meaningless (a sad but honest philosophy), I can’t help but think this film itself was pretty meaningless.  3/12/2018

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri                G

As one character puts it, “anger just begets more anger.”  In other words, one action leads to another and possibly another.  The three billboards in question are the starting point for the rippling effects in the titular town containing people the world at large pretty much expects of small southern towns in America.  Many of the people, including law enforcement, are still racist and/or homophobic, some even anti-midget.  I did like this film that contains a few surprises up its sleeve, and some of the performances were superb even if some characters weren’t particularly likeable.  3/7/2018

3 From Hell                                                                OK/G

For those that don’t know, this is the third film in Rob Zombie’s “Firefly Family” franchise that began with House of 1000 Corpses and followed with The Devil’s Rejects.  I am a fan of both those films, more so of the latter, but the ending of The Devil’s Rejects is no longer as disturbingly poignant as it once was now that we know they survived (I don’t think I’m spoiling anything since the only ones likely interested in seeing this have probably seen the preceding entries, and you’ve had 14 years to see The Devil’s Rejects).  This may have been an unnecessary sequel (I hate to say) and the “witty” remarks by our villainous protagonists are largely puerile and ineffective by now, but there’s still a certain kind of appeal that made me want to keep watching.  That appeal will likely only apply to fans of the first two films though, namely The Devil’s Rejects as the style here very much reflects that gritty world over the more colorful (yet no less grim) one in House of 1000 Corpses.  It is more of an action (than horror) movie too that could’ve been directed by Quentin Tarantino or Sam Peckinpah or the like, but does still contain enough of Mr. Zombie’s signature violence.  All I’ll say is, if you liked House and Rejects even a bit more than remotely, watch this (as you likely will anyway) but don’t keep your expectations too high.  I really hope Rob doesn’t plan on making a fourth one either (this one wasn’t even originally supposed to happen) since I believe the Firefly clan had enough time in the spotlight.  R.I.P. Sid Haig.  10/16/2019

3 Generations                                                              OK

What an innovative way to portray three generations of an unconventional family.  Let’s see, the grandmother’s a lesbian and the granddaughter’s a pre-op trans male, while the straight cisgendered mother/daughter in between is stressed with everything.  The family dynamics are compelling at best.  The lesbian grandmother wonders why her “grandson” can’t just be a lesbian since she liked girls anyway.  Transgender rights seem to be a hot issue lately.  Being a gay man, I’ll admit I think trans is a choice (whether feeling you were born in the wrong body or not) even though I have utmost respect for them and love watching movies with/about them.  Growing up I had no knowledge of transgender despite being in society’s lexicon.  In visual media, we simply saw them as actors choosing to be that way.  You were either born a boy or girl and that was that.  I also didn’t know much of gay people either which is why I never wanted to accept being one.  Perhaps transgenders feel the same way?  I do think gay and trans rights should be separate fights though.  Anyway, this movie’s second half began to feel like a Hallmark or Lifetime movie in that everything is resolved as expected in a fairy tale way.  It’s a shame too because it had my interest at first.  6/15/2017

Three Identical Strangers                                            G

They say that everyone has a twin.  Well, imagine finding out you are a twin one day.  Better yet, imagine finding out you’re a triplet.  That’s the dilemma the three identical strangers, separated at a very early age from an adoption center in New York, faced in this documentary.  Apparently they became fairly famous when they all met in 1980, even owning a restaurant called Triplets at one time.  I was born in 1982 so of course I wouldn’t remember hearing about them, but I wonder if my parents or older relatives remember.  I’m sure it happens every day where people not only find out they were adopted, but at least a twin as well, so initially I didn’t understand what made their story so special.  Well, their story is definitely unique all right, seemingly straight out of a sci-fi or Twilight Zone tale.  I was surprised at how dark and depressing it actually became.  I don’t want to reveal too much in case you don’t know the actual story (like I didn’t beforehand).  This is compelling stuff indeed that might make you think twice about adoption agencies as well as bring up the nature vs. nurture debate and whether certain conditions may be hereditary.  It made me wonder if it would’ve been better as a narrative film, which might’ve worked or will work if made in the future, but presenting it as a documentary might’ve been the more effective route considering this truly bizarre tale involving a dark conspiracy actually happened.  Sometimes, at least here, truth really is stranger than fiction.  10/20/2018

Three O’Clock High                                                   G

Yet another ‘80’s film I’m surprised I never saw.  It stars one of the “tough guys” from Stand by Me and the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop.  Unlike most teen movies, it takes place entirely in the high school during one day, minus the beginning when two of the characters get ready for school.  I’m surprised this wasn’t recognized alongside other Reagan Era classics (namely John Hughes movies) since it’s just as fun and mostly realistic.  The simple story is never boring and contains a modicum of suspense.  I always like unearthing overlooked gems.  I just wish I discovered them more often.  6/12/2017

Thrill Ride                                                                   OK

A group of kids attempt to save their Dad’s business by going to an indoor amusement park in Chicago called Happyland where Al Capone allegedly hid a treasure when he built the place in the early Thirties.  This family film is average (nothing more, nothing less) and slightly resembles a Disney Channel feature but not exactly; there’s actually a few mild curse words (I guess that explains the PG rating).  It’s fun occasionally and there’re several semi-successful attempts at past-meets-present humor (statues from the past are brought to life).  The special effects are kinda terrible but few and far between and don’t completely ruin the movie.  This is strictly for the ‘under high school’ crowd; the parents and older siblings likely won’t care one way or the other.  10/11/2018

The Ticket                                                                    EH

Dan Stevens seems to be popular these days.  No surprise considering handsome faces shouldn’t have trouble getting roles.  Filmmakers don’t seem to comprehend that eye candy doesn’t necessarily make a dull script less dull.  A man (Dan Stevens) has been blind for years.  One day, he miraculously isn’t blind anymore.  He enjoys his “new” life with regained sight.  Improved sight apparently makes his heart “weaker.”  He loses everything before eventually going blind again.  That’s basically it.  There’s no excitement.  There’s talk of God throughout with the title metaphorically referring to the ways in which prayers are answered.  Whatever.  Check out The Guest if you want to see a much better movie with Mr. Stevens.  6/7/2017

Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness               G

As of late, I’ve seen just as many memes/posts on social media about this new documentary series on Netflix as ones about the coronavirus.  Usually when something becomes meme-heavy, it’s either popular in a good way or a bad way, popular being the key term.  Naturally I got curious, especially after hearing enough people say “good” things about it, so I tuned into this 7-episode (all 40-plus minutes but not quite 50) docuseries involving the titular gay, once polygamist, mullet-coiffed redneck zoo owner going by the name of Joe Exotic, in addition to some other, shall we say, colorful people.  I, for one, can’t say I agree with the notion of zoos, but I am a bit hypocritical considering I do enjoy going to them if I can’t actually see the animals safely in the wild (I would welcome the notion of putting us in cages or some protective casing and taking us to their environments).  I’ve always been fascinated with wild animals, especially big cats (tigers, lions, panthers, etc.), since they’re equally enthralling and frightening.  Joe ran a tiger zoo in Oklahoma before inevitably receiving disapproval from animal rights activists, particularly one Carole Baskin from Florida (talk about enemies!  I mean, we all likely have them but most aren’t likely as potent as the mutual hatred between Joe and Carole, more so on Joe’s side).  Much like wondering whether Courtney Love actually killed Kurt Cobain, Carole and an incident surrounding a vanished husband dredged up similar ruminations and the information presented here made a strong case in making it appear as if Carole definitely could’ve killed him.  Joe amassed quite a few enemies during his time as a zookeeper as well and certainly didn’t come off as a saint, but involvement with the wrong people (such as shady business partners) made it appear he was ultimately the victim in the end.  This series often made me wonder who I should’ve been rooting for since several people were blamed for this and that and everyone is usually going to think they’re right and/or the victim in any circumstance (going by the prideful instincts of human nature).  I knew nothing of this story before watching, so all I can say is that it was, more often than not, an engaging, only slow at times, fact-based docuseries informing me of more people/events on this crazy planet we all share.  4/1/2020

Tiny Cinema

Here we have an anthology film from the director of Butt Boy (my review for that is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/02/aquaslashbutt-boy.html).  It is labeled a horror-comedy and let me explain why I kind of disagree with that.  Well, it’s most definitely comical, the tone not exactly meshing well with the content, thereby making it more of a dark comedy.  Whatever, the film is just weird!  That should come as no surprise if you’ve seen the director’s (Tyler Cornack) other aforementioned film.  It consists of six tales narrated by a little dude that reminded me of the little dude from Twin Peaks.  The first one involves a guy that becomes a little too obsessed with a sarcastic comment uttered during a game night, this obsession gradually making him go off the deep end.  Then we get one with a woman desiring a man in her life before coming across a rather unconventional one (well, at least she doesn’t think so).  After that, a man confesses a specific problem to his buddies and how they try to help him is too damn funny, but, referring to my comment above, the subject matter doesn’t really match the tone.  The next one is even more bizarre wherein a guy making a delivery to his alleged future self must do something totally unexpected to prevent an apocalypse; the twist at the end makes it even more (ahem) twisted.  Then there’s a really short one involving stereotypical Italians with a title that ends up being very literal.  The final one takes the cake for making the least amount of sense, but almost in that compelling David Lynch sort of way (Tyler was obviously influenced by him).  I’m not exactly recommending this, but I think it also needs to be seen (at least once) to be believed (much like Butt Boy; I didn’t give either film a rating).  All I can say is that Mr. Cornack’s films, judging thus far, exist in their own universe.  10/22/2023

Titane                                                                          OK

When I first heard of this French film (yes, that means subtitles), it said it involved a girl that has sex with cars.  I got curious, not only because it got good reviews, but also because it was directed by the same person behind the coming-of-age cannibal film, Raw, which I was a fan of (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/06/mooby-reviews-61117.html).  Well, the female protagonist here does have sex with automobiles at least twice (possibly stemming from a titanium plate she received in her head after a car accident when she was younger), but it’s not as explicit as you’d think (might even be humorous if the film had a different tone; this sexual fetish does have consequences too).  That’s only a small fraction of the entire film anyway.  Said female protagonist murders a bunch of people before passing herself off as an aged boy that went missing years ago.  The father of the missing boy is convinced it is his son and welcomes her back into his life.  I’m pretty sure the father (and mother at one time) had to know she wasn’t their grown son, even before specific scenes that would prove she wasn’t, but, then again, I’m not so sure.  This film is truly bizarre, but not in the mindfuck sense.  It’s still bizarre though; definitely unique.  Bizarre doesn’t always mean compelling though (I was bored more than once).  I liked Julia Ducournau’s first film better, but I am curious as to what she’ll give us next.  1/6/2022

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before                               EH

A girl in high school has a box containing five unsent letters written to her crushes throughout her life.  Those letters are purposely sent to the recipients by her little sister.  Quite the predicament!  Especially for an introverted teenager.  One ends up being gay and two were from a long time ago, one letter being returned to her.  One proposes they pretend to be together in hopes of making his ex jealous and for her to avoid another crush since he recently broke up with her older sister.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you they actually end up together despite the leading girl’s voiceover claiming otherwise at first.  Sounds like many a movie, Jim and the crazy band geek being one example that comes to mind (American Pie 2).  Of course there’re complications in between---jealousies, fights, break-ups---you know, typical teen movie stuff, typical teen stuff.  The diversity police should be happy an Asian-American is the lead, but I can still see some mentioning the generalization that many people, including Asians themselves, don’t find Asian men attractive since none of the straight girl’s crushes here were Asian.  Whatever, diversity doesn’t necessarily equal innovative as proven here.  I initially thought this was going to be a different teen rom-com, demographics aside.  Dear Netflix, if you’re going to call movies you release Netflix Originals, why not at least make them somewhat original?  Please.  8/19/2018

Toga                                                                            OK

Upstate Story is an independent feature I was a fan of; I’ve since become friends with its multi-hyphenate star/director, Shaun Rose (you can check out my review for the film in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/03/the-outsider-season-one.html, and my review for the documentary on the making-of it, Making and Unmaking, in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/12/soul.html).  This film is a sequel to Upstate, so I suggest you watch that first (if you haven’t already).  It picks up seven years later as we witness Ellis (played again by Mr. Rose) living in a different location, but returning to his hometown (that being Saratoga Springs, New York) to take photos for an independent movie he’s working on.  This is once again a character study that’s mostly voiceover, Ellis being rather drab with the occasional sardonic wit, but someone we likely can all relate to.  Seeing media with characters that rival our own miserable lives, or having even worse ones, is often welcome due to its relatability (Roseanne is one of my favorite sitcoms for that reason, and I’ve been keeping up with The Conners too; these people are real!).  I totally related to some aspects of Ellis’s life---I, too, fear having to go to the bathroom while out in public (yes, getting old sucks); I, too, hated high school with a passion; I, too, still enjoy going on the swings in a park.  However, much like many sequels, I didn’t enjoy this as much as its predecessor, but it’s still a decent follow-up (at least the tone is consistent).  I also felt like it was too short---it is barely over an hour just like Upstate, but this time it seemed like it was cut off too soon---ultimately feeling like it was just part of another subsequent film to be.  If that is the case, I will definitely keep watching what you put out Shaun.  1/13/2023

***You can get the links to view Upstate Story and Making and Unmaking in the link above for the latter’s review, and you can view Toga here---https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h64_fy-bB-M.***

To Hell and Back:  The Kane Hodder Story               OK

Kane Hodder.  The man whose name and/or face will likely be unrecognizable to non-horror fans.  He's most famous for playing Jason Voorhees even though it was only for parts 7 through 10 (you'll find out why he wasn't behind the mask in Freddy vs. Jason).  This documentary traces his life as a young kid up to the present day (he became famous again for playing Victor Crowley in the Hatchet series).  If you aren't a fan of horror movies (particularly the ones he's starred in) or have zero knowledge of who the (primarily) stuntman is, it's hard to say if you'll be interested.  I mean, I've seen documentaries and/or biopics on people I've had little to no prior knowledge of and, while I may have learned a thing or two (as I always like learning), usually they didn't maintain my interest or all I learned went completely over my head afterwards, thus making the viewing experience kind of pointless.  Therefore, you be the judge on deciding whether to watch this.  He is given a human quality like most documentaries/biopics do; I've met Kane at a horror convention once and he was a nice guy (most celebrities usually are; luckily the ones I've encountered were).  Hearing of Kane being bullied as a kid may have been touching and could make others feel less alone, but it wasn't exactly unique in terms of celebrity past traumas, and while the incident of Mr. Hodder being severely burned early in his acting career may have been relevant to his overall story, I felt they spent way too much time on it.  Sadly, I think this documentary generally overstayed its welcome (perhaps it could've been trimmed a bit) even though I may have learned a thing here or there.  8/1/2020

Tom & Jerry                                                                EH/OK

I did watch Tom & Jerry as a young‘un enough to say I was a fan, but it wasn’t one of my favorites.  I did like the movie that came out in 1993 (at least back then), also called Tom & Jerry: The Movie (this movie is labeled both Tom & Jerry and Tom & Jerry: The Movie in some places), which I still own the VHS for.  The thing I remember about the show and the other movie though was that they were 100% animated.  This movie takes the animated characters and merges them with real people and real locations (the Big Apple, to be exact; mainly a hotel hosting a celebrity wedding).  In fact, all the animals are the only things animated.  Why couldn’t the entire film be animated?  As a film itself, it’s not as bad as it could’ve been, but it’s still not exactly worth watching and I’m glad this wasn’t my introduction to Tom & Jerry, which, unfortunately, will be for some of today’s young‘uns.  [I reviewed at least one feature-length animated film featuring the titular cat and mouse contained in this blog---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/11/mooby-reviews-111617.html].  5/19/2021

Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate

Factory                                                            OK/G

Yes, I used to watch Tom and Jerry as a kid.  I wouldn’t be surprised if every ‘70’s, ‘80’s and ‘90’s kid did.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl is one of my all-time favorite books.  I’m a fan of both filmed adaptations starring Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp, respectively.  When I saw this combination, I had to.  I even dug up my old VHS copy of the Tom and Jerry movie to watch eventually.  While watching this, I wanted to watch both live-action films again.  For some odd reason, whenever I read the book or watch the movies and even while watching this, I always want chocolate and I’m not usually a chocolate person (with some exceptions of course).  Anyway, this is basically an animated remake of either film (the Gene Wilder one particularly) with Tom and Jerry added.  Kind of like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (the source material more than the filmed adaptation) where zombies were added to the original text.  Nothing necessarily wrong with that but why not just watch the live-action movies?  Why Tom and Jerry and not Beavis and Butthead or Tweety and Sylvester?  It’s still a bit of fun for fans of both or at least one of the combined materials.  The animation doesn’t look too updated either which was good despite obviously looking sharper and cleaner than the cartoons I grew up with.  I would hope so with all the advanced technology introduced since then.  I just despise when cartoons I grew up with look “too updated” (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being an example).  11/14/2017

Tone-Deaf                                                                   OK/G

This begins somewhat like a “chick flick” before becoming a Psycho-esque slasher film.  It does play around with horror conventions quite a bit and one may think it’s a spoof for doing so, but it generally feels like a serious horror film aside from when Robert Patrick (you know his face more than his name---Terminator 2, The Faculty, etc.) occasionally breaks the fourth wall.  Those few instances made me take the film less seriously, but I mostly had fun with this.  10/29/2019

Tower                                                                          G

Here’s a novel technique portraying the shooting that took place at the University of Texas in August of 1966.  It was essentially the starting point for modern mass shootings but isn’t referenced much.  The ordeal lasted 96 minutes and some people didn’t think it was real since school shootings weren’t common then.  It’s primarily presented in rotoscope animation (think A Scanner Darkly) detailing first-hand accounts from witnesses performed by actors/actresses playing the real people as if the event was currently happening.  Of course it’s always compelling to see the killer’s biopic, but that was a clever way to see witnesses and victims perspectives.  Those segments are intercut with news footage plus recent live-action interviews of the aged survivors.  Even at 82 minutes, this pseudo-documentary drags a little but it’s still recommendable for its ingenious presentation of a tragic event.  However, if someone else tries utilizing it, I’ll think its old hat and might not give it a G rating.  3/21/2017

Toy Story 4                                                                  OK

I have officially seen all the Toy Story movies in the theater.  Toy Story 3 was supposed to be the last one, but I never take anyone’s word for it when they say that (case in point---The Devil’s Rejects was supposed to be the end, but 3 From Hell is coming out; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was supposed to be the end of the titular duo’s cinematic appearance, but there’s a new Jay and Silent Bob movie coming out; and so on and so on).  Toy Story was great, Toy Story 2 and 3 were worthy and fun, 3 being the most emotional, and this one was…just okay.  Sure, this may have been emotional at times and some of the new characters were funny, but I felt like I’ve seen it all before.  And call me “no fun,” but I just didn’t have too much fun with this one.  And criticize me all you want, but I couldn’t stand Forky.  You’re going to watch this if you’ve seen the first three (don’t tell me you’re not), but, as much as I hate to say, I think they should’ve ended at 3 like they intended, making this an unnecessary sequel (dare I say).  Surprisingly, 98% of 330 critics on Rotten Tomatoes (as of this writing) disagree with me.  6/25/2019

Traffik                                                                          OK

I guess they didn’t want to share the same exact title as the 2000 film by misspelling theirs.  That film dealt with a different kind of trafficking (see, the ‘k’ is only added when you make it a verb and the noun was never spelled ‘traffick’) and this film had a dark subplot involving the very real issue (statistics are given at the end) which should’ve been expanded upon.  I guess the message is to be cautious of who you come across in public, especially if they’re shady, and always check your belongings afterwards, not only for your stuff but if they slipped you something; it could save you a heap of trouble and possibly your life.  A straight couple retreat to a secluded house in the wooded mountains (I was jealous of the pad) and eventually those they came across at a gas station earlier come to retrieve an item someone slipped in the woman’s purse.  Of course this item has classified information that can’t get out (pertaining to the title perhaps?).  Sounds like the plot of many a movie we’ve seen already (I won’t name examples; if you’ve seen movies from at least the last 40 years, you’ll find this film very familiar).  I knew from the moment a certain character came on screen that they were in on the illegal activity (I won’t reveal who in case you haven’t seen many movies in the last 40 years).  The majority of the film plays like a TV-movie thriller.  I didn’t hate it as much as I should have, I didn’t hate it at all actually, it’s just a forgettable thriller that’s been done before and I don’t think it was particularly special.  7/24/2018

Tragedy Girls                                                              OK/G

This is basically Heathers for the social media era (Ironically a new series based on that film is starting).  Kind of.  While Heathers was a black comedy, this was a straight satire with its tongue firmly embedded in-cheek.  This film was much more violent though.  In fact, the impressive violence makes it the best thing going for it.  Two high school girls commit town murders and cover it up with an online site making it look they’re interested in solving them.  Anyone can be a journalist these days with all the social media avenues!  The balance of comedy and horror has worked in the past, but even when this film goes to dark places, the farcical tone gets the better of it.  I give the violence a G rating and the script a conditional OK.  There’s much to admire here, but I just didn’t think it fully succeeded in merging the whimsical with the tragic.  3/3/2018

Trailer Park Shark                                                      EH/OK

Where haven’t sharks been in movies yet?  Maybe I don’t want that answered because there’s probably many writers that would respond with ‘hold my beer’.  People like me with no lives will always look forward to these stupid movies that sound fun based on the idiotic premise, but usually always realize what a waste of time they are when we actually get around to watching them.  This film really is no exception.  It stars “rookie of the year” and might actually be plausible if great white sharks were in Louisiana and had the ability to shock people in the water (after an electrical incident).  A levee is blown up near a trailer park thus flooding it and a shark from a nearby swamp swims around looking for snacks.  The shark is a crappy CGI creation and the deaths are mostly lame, but there actually might’ve been a smidgen of fun to it all (smidgen in big bold letters as you can see).  I enjoyed it a bit better than the sixth installment of a franchise reviewed above (again, bit in big bold letters) only because this was an original concept (again…), although I was kind of reminded of another movie called Swamp Shark but that didn’t have a trailer park in the swamp, the shark just happened to be in a swamp.  Whatever.  8/30/2018

Train to Busan                                                            G

Pretty good zombie flick from South Korea.  At least it didn’t take place entirely in a train because that would’ve been too limiting.  Highlights:  Zombie deer.  Zombie pile-ups bursting through glass.  Zombies only reacting to sighted movement in light (halfway like Jurassic Park’s T-Rex, no?).  You could do worse in this dead (!) subgenre.  1/26/2017

Train to Busan Presents: Peninsula                            OK

The zombie subgenre was dead (pun intended) long before The Walking Dead premiered ten years ago.  Naturally, there are passable entries every so often and Train to Busan, released 4 years ago, was actually one of them (you can read my brief review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).  You don’t even need to see the first film to watch this in-name only sequel (with the same director); just know a virus spread in Korea that turned people into zombies, which is explained in the beginning of this film anyway.  Yes, it’s in Korean like the first film, so that does mean subtitles (even during the few parts spoken in English).  It takes place four years after the events of the first film (just like the releases) and involves refugees living in Hong Kong tasked with going back to Korea in order to obtain a truck containing cash with promises of them all getting a cut when returned.  This seemed to take a George A. Romero approach, Dawn and Land of the Dead came to mind the most, as well as that of a Mad Max-type film, meaning it wasn’t too original (I know, what really is these days?).  It may be an unnecessary sequel, but it wasn’t a terrible movie on its own, just okay; but like the late Roger Ebert once said, “Life is too short to see movies that are just okay.”  Also, being that it’s almost 2 hours, I became a bit impatient towards the end.  Fans of Train to Busan are obviously going to be curious, but those that haven’t seen either film, I unquestionably recommend the first one over this one.  11/24/2020

The Transfiguration                                                    VG

Finally, a good vampire movie.  It’s debatable whether the protagonist actually was a vampire or simply the result of a fractured mind affected by a traumatic event.  He claims becoming one isn’t passed on but rather a disease and real vampires can be in the sunlight, eat garlic, and gradually develop a taste for blood with age.  He apparently doesn’t sprout fangs when feeding either.  Whatever the intention was, I didn’t feel cheated in the slightest and the potent ending felt just right.  Milo (the afflicted black teen) has a VHS collection of recorded vampire movies and keeps notebooks filled with vampire lore and rules to live by.  He lives in the inner city and befriends a white girl living with her cantankerous grandfather.  Not only does Milo have to deal with his “disease” but also with local bullies and gang members.  I was reminded of the Swedish Let the Right One In and Milo even admits to preferring that film over Twilight despite never seeing it since “vampires don’t twinkle” and feeling it’s not realistic enough.  One thing I never understood was how movie characters don’t watch movies themselves.  These characters talk endlessly about movies (movies I love) that I felt I was hanging out with friends.  This was basically a coming-of-age movie involving a “vampire.”  There is violence no doubt with at least two relatively disturbing scenes coming to mind.  Definitely worth checking out.  8/10/2017

Transfixed                                                                   EH

Talk about a title with a double entendre.  This Belgian film about a serial killer targeting trannies isn’t very suspenseful and the trite denouement is amateurish.  I didn’t care by then anyway.  There’s nothing transfixing about this.  7/26/2016

Trauma Bond                                                              OK

I would’ve never heard of this short film written and directed by Jaina Cipriano had Jaina herself not contacted me asking to review it.  Roughly 33-minutes, available on YouTube (here is the link---https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5OvSeZDaw4), it involves two women planning on hanging out for the night before another woman shows up whom one of them invited.  This guest is very boisterous, bordering on the eccentric, and things take a slight turn towards the bizarre after she does something to one of the women.  The film is well-shot and the characterizations are surely notable, but there is definitely more to this story than what we were shown.  Perhaps you have feature film ambitions for this project, Jaina?  I’d be interested in an expansion.  Clearly you’ve demonstrated you can make movies.  [Research tells me Jaina only directed one other short film, You Don’t Have to Take Orders from the Moon, also available on YouTube, which I happened to check out as well; Trauma Bond was better].  11/5/2023

Tremors:  A Cold Day in Hell                                     EH

I’m a huge fan of Tremors and it holds a special place in my heart for being one of the first horror movies I recall watching.  Tremors 2:  Aftershocks was a worthy sequel, naturally not as good, and the Shriekers were passable creatures.  Although the Ass Blasters were kind of a moronic creation, Tremors 3:  Back to Perfection was decent for a threequel.  I’m not the biggest fan of backstories, but Tremors 4:  The Legend Begins was okay for a fourquel and a prequel to the series.  Tremors 5:  Bloodlines contained an updated Ass Blaster belonging in a crappy Syfy-channel movie as well as an updated Graboid (both CGI) reminding me of Dune (David Lynch’s worst film in my opinion), proving yet again how bad special effects can ruin what might’ve been a better movie.  This one, part 6, contains the same crappy Syfy-channel movie designs as the last entry, this time taking place in the Canadian Arctic instead of South Africa (ironically this one was shot in South Africa).  Yup, the snow you see here is CGI just like the creatures.  About the setting though---don’t expect it all to take place entirely in snowy landscapes.  Other than the beginning, all the action takes place on dry land due to the “arctic heat wave.”  Uh-huh.  Gun-loving Burt Gummer (played by Michael Gross) is the only character/actor that appeared in all six movies.  The movies seem to weaken upon each succeeding entry.  I don’t know why modern filmmakers feel the need to use CGI when the practical effects of yesteryear are obviously so much better looking and make the onscreen action more believable.  Sure, it may take longer to use practical effects but the final product is what matters.  Aside from the practical use of a Graboid head in one scene, which is actually a nice touch pertaining to a poignant issue, the unsatisfactory effects spoiled this and the last entry.  Would I have liked it better if it were the same movie with practical effects?  Maybe, maybe not.  There’s only so many ways we can have Graboids, Shriekers, and Ass Blasters attacking and terrorizing people before they outstay their welcome.  It would be a start though.  Advice for the filmmaker(s) in charge of a probable seventh entry?  Or if the recently scrapped TV series gets picked up again?  Whatever the case, someone make me like this franchise again!  5/2/2018

Tremors:  Shrieker Island                                           OK/G

Tremors 7.  Here is what I wrote about the first film in my review of the previous entry, A Cold Day in Hell---[I’m a huge fan of Tremors and it holds a special place in my heart for being one of the first horror movies I recall watching.]---and you can read my brief opinions of the rest of the series as well as the entire review in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com.  This time, the action takes place on a jungle island in Thailand and it is explained how the creatures ended up there.  Only the Graboids (the original worm-like creatures that burrow underground) and Shriekers (the two-legged creatures spawned from the Graboids first appearing in Aftershocks, and hence part of the title) appear here and they appear to be a combination of both practical and CGI effects, more so the CGI, but look close enough to the real thing (meaning the original practical creatures) to avoid being a complete letdown.  Did we really need another Tremors movie though?  Probably not, but if movies keep being made and are part of a franchise, you can’t not keep watching them (at least I can’t).  These were my last words in my review for the preceding entry---[…someone make me like this franchise again!]---and while I can absolutely say I didn’t dislike this entry, I can at least say it was better than the last two, which were also directed by the same guy behind this one (Don Michael Paul).  It also ends rather poignantly, although I have a feeling that poignancy might be rendered null if an 8^th entry is made.  Who knows?  They already made seven films and a TV series!  10/23/2020

Trench 11                                                                    OK

The setting is World War I under a French field (mostly) in a bunker of sorts called Trench 11 created by Germans.  A group of American (or North American at least) soldiers travel to said trench via orders to investigate.  I liked the foreboding first half better when they navigate through the dark bunker, opposed to the second half when it’s discovered the Germans were conducting an experiment that went wrong.  Like that hasn’t been done before; the recently released Overlord is one such film that allegedly deals with similar subject matter (I have yet to see that, I had no immediate desire).  As some successful thrillers and horror movies have accomplished before, this worked much better when you didn’t see anything.  12/4/2018

Trick                                                                            OK/G

The set-up is simple:  Someone wearing a Halloween mask slaughters some people at a party in 2015 and similar things happen every year up to 2019 in the same general New York area.  Is it the same guy who appeared to be killed the first night?  (Horror 101---there’s always a chance the villain survives no matter what’s done to them).  Is it a ghost?  A copycat?  This film that’s longer than necessary is 100% style with very little substance and a slight twist towards the end.  There’s gore aplenty, not nauseating but more in the fun slasher sense, so this will likely only appeal to gorehounds and/or those that enjoy plotless horror films.  It takes place on Halloween too, so ‘tis the season!  10/29/2019

Triggered                                                                    OK

(haiku review)

Woods.  Reunion.  Bombs.

Kind of like Battle Royale.

Bloody but vapid.  2/15/2021

Trolls                                                                           G

This movie brought out the kid in me.  For the most part.  It does lose steam halfway but not entirely.  It’s so colorful and creative at times.  It also has the age-old moral demonstrating everyone, or everything in this case, has the ability to be happy if they put their mind to it.  I kinda wish the movie focused primarily on the Trolls.  I didn’t care much for the Bergens, which were basically Shrek’s uglier cousins.  2/12/2017

Trolls Holiday                                                             G

The Trolls movie charmed me with its creative childishness as did this short quasi-sequel involving troll holidays.  It doesn’t involve any particular holiday (it just happened to be released recently), therefore it can be viewed any time of the year.  You should watch Trolls first since a brief synopsis is given of the entire film here.  I don’t know why you would bother with this anyway if you’re not a fan of the DreamWorks movie, or at least saw it.  Even if you don’t like this film, it will only take up barely 22 minutes of your time.  12/19/2017

Trolls World Tour                                                       OK

(haiku review)

It involves music.

Its message always welcome.

It wears itself thin.  8/7/2020

[Check out my reviews for Trolls and Trolls Holiday in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].

True Detective:  Season Three

(haiku review)

Dark like first season.

Not as good; the reveal sucked.

Better than two though.  2/25/2019

T2:  Trainspotting                                                       EH

I can’t say I was a fan of Trainspotting.  I found it irritating, disgusting and…that poor baby!  So why the hell did I bother with this sequel you ask?  The same reason I bother with every other sequel, remake or general movie I hate before watching.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes I feel my “job” is unfinished if I don’t watch specific movies (especially if part of a series).  Sometimes (just sometimes) the movies are better than anticipated and those times make me internally happy.  I wasn’t as annoyed this time, but I still wasn’t a fan.  It starts off okay before becoming soporific then disorderly.  The four Scottish punks don’t seem to be in any better position this time despite two attempting to be businessmen at one point.  Fans of Trainspotting might enjoy seeing their favorite characters 20 years later (flashbacks do show how much younger they looked), but for people like me that didn’t care the first time most likely won’t care now, or in another 20 years.  7/16/2017

Truth or Dare                                                              OK/G

How many of these movies are there going to be?  One was just released theatrically by Blumhouse this year!  This one was also released this year (under the radar), directed by Nick Simon and containing a cameo by Heather Langenkamp (“Nancy” from the original A Nightmare on Elm Street for those that don’t know).  Do you think a group of people play the titular game?  (I’ve never seen it played where questions and dares are written on pieces of paper instead of being stated per turn though).  Are they all forced to play and don’t take it seriously until they’re shown what happens when one refuses?  Are losers like me going to keep watching these movies?  (To be less self-deprecating, I’ll say horror nerds like me, but the labels could be synonymous).  Yes, yes, and yes.  Based on my rating though, you can probably guess a BUT is coming.  Well…BUT I actually didn’t mind this entry.  It gets dark at times and has some wince-inducing moments, giving it more of a Saw vibe, plus there’s an interesting approach to presenting a literal haunted house.  Put it this way, I enjoyed it more than the recent Blumhouse release.  10/14/2018

Tully                                                                            OK

I can’t speak from personal experience but I can understand how hard motherhood (or parenthood for that matter) can be.  On the other hand, people choose to have kids and if they have more than one, they should know what they might be getting into.  While I think babies are adorable and kids can be equally irritating and funny, I can’t imagine having to take care of them 24-7.  I’ve gotten antsy just watching my nieces (I don’t have any nephews) for a little bit, so props to the parents out there that chose to have kids; it can be a thankless, unpaid job.  Charlize Theron plays a mother of three that doesn’t hold back when needing to let her frustration out.  Her brother suggests a night nanny to take care of the new baby while she sleeps.  Initially, she thinks that’s a shady idea and who wouldn’t?  There’ve been plenty of movies showing what dangers could occur (which she even acknowledges).  What if she (I’m only being gender specific due to the circumstances) steals the baby?  What if she kills you and your family?  Eventually she gives in and the eponymous nanny becomes the “angel” sent by God or fate (whatever you believe in), making Charlize’s character a better, or less stressed, person.  Blah, blah, blah.  I did like how some characters truthfully dealt with certain situations and I liked how I was uncertain of the outcome (it thematically involves something other than motherhood), but I wasn’t entirely satisfied when the credits rolled.  8/4/2018

Turbo Kid                                                                    G

This was released in 2015, is presented as an ‘80’s movie, and takes place in 1997 (the future we’re told) after the world became a wasteland.  That alone tells you its tongue is firmly planted in its cheek.  In what I assume was a nod to Soylent Green, human bodies are used to produce drinking water.  Gorehounds will not be disappointed as there’re buckets of blood aplenty.  I enjoyed all its gory nastiness.  I was only sickened one time without feeling nauseous.  Put it this way, if you couldn’t handle the House of Blue Leaves scene from Kill Bill, Vol. 1, you definitely won’t be able to stomach this.  Hailing from New Zealand, it bears the likewise over-the-top violence as fellow countryman Peter Jackson’s early efforts plus the entire Evil Dead franchise including the TV show (Ash vs. Evil Dead).  Bloody good fun!  11/4/2017

The Turning                                                                B

This recent film is one of several based on the famous (I don’t want to say classic since that’s a subjective term) story, “The Turn of the Screw,” by Henry James.  According to Wikipedia, there have been three other film adaptations and four TV versions (one being the upcoming second season of The Haunting of Hill House).  I’ve never read the story (never really had a desire to) and the only other version I’ve seen was The Innocents (1961), a film I know I saw but can’t remember a damn thing about.  Therefore, I judged this film on its own terms since I had nothing to compare to while watching.  A young woman goes to live in a large house to watch over two orphaned children, a young girl and a teenage boy; a maid also lives there.  Upon entering the grounds, we notice a bunch of severed doll heads lying about.  Horror Movies 101 would tell you that’s not a good sign.  We learn the boy (played by Stranger Things’ Finn Wolfhard) was expelled for assaulting another boy, plus he’s nothing but rude to the nanny and he’s abusive to animals.  Horror Movies 101, or just Movies 101, would tell you that’s not a good sign.  The little girl is afraid to leave the property and we’re informed it’s due to what happened to her parents, but Horror Movies 101 would clearly tell us something else is the cause.    It ended abruptly and while I think I may have made an interpretation, that interpretation was a bit anticlimactic and parallel to an ‘it was only a dream’ conclusion.  This poop works neither as a haunted house movie nor as an evil kid movie.  I wonder if I should even bother reading the Henry James story…4/23/2020

Turning Red                                                                OK/G

Newest Pixar movie so I had to see it.  All of our bodies change once we reach a certain age.  The young female protagonist here, an Asian-Canadian (for those that like diversity), turns into a giant red panda when getting emotional once becoming a teenager (you’ll learn why).  I didn’t think this was too special and the message of always being your true self is a tad dated, but there’s probably enough here for most of the family to enjoy, and while the message may be dated, it will always be relevant.  It’s primarily about early teens simply being early teens in 2002 (no, that’s not a typo, that’s when it takes place).  3/13/2022

22 July                                                                         OK/G

Yes, I remember hearing about that fateful day in 2011 in Norway that left 77 people dead.  This film available on Netflix chronicles the events and their aftereffects.  It begins right away with the bombing at a government building in Oslo, followed by the mass shooting at a camp on an island.  We then follow the gunman, who holds conservative anti-immigrant ideologies, from his arrest all the way to trial.  It’s amazing how someone like him can even have a trial when he clearly committed the crimes and even more amazing how people like him can simply plead insanity.  We not only see how the aftermath deeply impacted survivors and their loved ones, particularly one family, but also the lawyer defending the Knights Templar terrorist despite stating upfront how much he disagrees with what he did.  I personally think it would’ve been a better movie, more harrowing too, if we spent the majority of the film getting to know the victims at the camp (and government building) before the known tragedy; but this approach, although a bit lengthy at almost 2 ½ hours, was okay and I’m sure won’t be the last we see on the subject.  10/11/2018

Twice Told Tales                                                         OK

(haiku review)

Three tales.  Hawthorne-based.

Dated?  Came out ’63.

First two?  Fine.  Third?  Eh.  6/17/2021

The Twilight Zone:  Season One                                 EH/OK

You all should know by now (if you actually read and keep up with my reviews) that I love me some anthology films and TV.  I will never get tired of or cease looking forward to watching short films or reading short stories.  The brevity (a.k.a. not taking up too much time) and needlessness for sequential viewing/reading may be part of their appeal.  Now, as much as I love The Twilight Zone, I admittedly haven’t seen every single episode of the original series or even the Eighties version (156 total for the former, 65 for the latter) and I own them both; apparently there was a series from 2002-2003 that somehow bypassed my radar, so I’ve seen zero of those 43 episodes (I Wikipedia’ed all this information).  I figured since this latest 2019 version was only 10 episodes I’d binge them with a free week of CBS All Access.  As with any anthology series (film or TV show), there’re apt to be misses as well as hits and, unfortunately, this version had more misses than hits.  None were particularly spectacular, my favorites among the bunch being “A Traveler” and “Point of Origin,” the former an atmospheric Christmas tale set in Alaska (my birthplace), the latter sort of paralleling recent events while also staying true to the series in general.  As for the rest?  “The Comedian” was lame and the only one I saw when the series first aired because it was available on YouTube.  The updated “Nightmare at 30,000 Feet” couldn’t hold a candle to the original; the ending may have been a bit dark, but the story didn’t work without a creature (which makes an appearance as a stuffed animal).  “Replay” was undoubtedly as interesting as any “Butterfly Effect/go-back-in-time-to-change-the-present” film, but was ultimately a message movie about race.  I’m more interested in representation than messages, whether pertaining to race, gender, sexuality, gender identity, etc., since the same ones (however important they may be) have basically become clichés after continuously being relayed.  I couldn’t take “The Wunderkind” too seriously since it was reminiscent of outlandish family entertainment in which young kids hold authority over adults.  Yes, being The Twilight Zone, all disbelief is supposed to be suspended, but I still felt this episode was too childish for the series.  “Six Degrees of Freedom” was a space tale (not really a fan of those types of entertainment) where a group of people slowly go crazy on their way to Mars that ended just when I thought it was getting better.  “Not All Men” wasn’t a bad infection tale involving a meteorite although very derivative (I was most reminded of Slither in plot, not effects) and obviously a metaphor for these Me Too times.  “The Blue Scorpion” was pretty dumb, it involving a gun with a personality, and the final episode, “Blurryman,” was kind of decent aside from revealing we were actually watching a TV show the whole season; and there was a poor digital creation of a certain someone that made them look more belonging in The Polar Express.  Again, it may not have been the best collection, but there were only ten and it’s very hard to be original anymore.  There is a second season allegedly being released sometime this year and I will eventually check it out while trying not to keep my expectations too high.  One thing they might benefit from though is making the episodes shorter (the original and Eighties ones were generally less than 30 minutes without the commercials; these ones ranged from 37 to 54 minutes).  1/16/2020

The Twilight Zone:  Season Two                                 G

I generally liked this second season of the newest Twilight Zone, produced and narrated by Jordan Peele, better than the last one enough to recommend it (you can read my review for the previous season in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).  Since it was only ten episodes, like last season, I’m simply going to briefly discuss each one in the order they were presented, even though you don’t have to watch them in order (being it’s an anthology series).  First, we have “Meet in the Middle” which imagines two people falling in love with each other’s voice inside their heads instead of going crazy.  Given the title, they do attempt to meet and, in a somewhat clever turn of events, things don’t turn out so well for at least one of them.  “Downtime” follows a fairly common storyline for the series, involving mistaken identity of sorts wherein someone questions their entire existence after a big reveal.  We’re given a different type of body-swapping tale in “The Who of You” that isn’t quite like Freaky Friday where a man can somehow trade bodies via eye contact;  contains a twist of sorts at the end that should’ve been easy to figure out before being revealed.  “Ovation” was the weakest entry for me which was baffling considering Ana Lily Amirpour (one of the only directors I actually knew of this season), who made a name for herself with the “different” vampire tale, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, helmed it.  It pretty much emphasizes that fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially if you suddenly transition from being invisible to stardom visible, and the title refers to a rather silly concept; there’s a twist at the end that isn’t even too shocking (I really didn’t care by that point anyway).  “Among the Untrodden” involves a girl at a boarding school learning she has special powers after a new girl informs her so.  It’s fairly straightforward but corny fun in a similar way The Craft is, and there’s a twist at the end I didn’t expect.  A team of scientists at the bottom of the world try capturing a special kind of octopus in the episode appropriately titled “8.”  It’s a decent creature feature helmed by the directing duo (Justin Benson/Aaron Moorhead) behind Resolution, Spring, and The Endless; the octopus does kill people and is eventually disclosed to have quite a sinister agenda of its own.  In “A Human Face,” a married couple encounter an alien in their basement that gradually transforms into their deceased daughter.  I wasn’t a fan of the CGI and the story itself ends up being rather sappy, yet it simultaneously could be viewed as something that could’ve led down darker paths given the alien’s intentions.  A man discovers a replica of the exact same small town he resides in in “A Small Town” and learns he can play God, originally for the better given the town hasn’t been doing so well following the death of his wife, but naturally having “the whole world in your hands” can lead to disastrous consequences, especially if others hear of this ability.  Topher Grace is in his own version of Groundhog Day in “Try, Try,” but I don’t remember Bill Murray trying to severely harm anyone other than himself while in his time loop.  Lastly, “You Might Also Like” is a decent segment involving aliens subtly trying to take over the world, but it felt a bit underdeveloped.  All in all, I really only disliked one of the ten episodes, ranging from 31 to 46 minutes (I don’t understand why they can’t all be 30 minutes or less like the original series), available on CBS All Access wherein you have the option of watching all ten in color or black & white (like the original series).  None of them truly felt too original, which is nearly an impossible feat anymore, but many of them felt unique momentarily, if that makes any sense.  To make myself clear, there were more hits than misses this round, and that’s always a good sign for an anthology show/movie.  9/23/2020

Twin Peaks:  The Return                                            

Only David Lynch could get away with this shit.  Yes, you should watch the original Twin Peaks series before watching this.  None of the characters are re-introduced and they’re all older.  Obviously, it’s been 25 years.  Fans will be just as mindfucked as newbies anyhow.  It appeared as if Mr. Lynch tried to out-surreal the original 30-episodes.  Twin Peaks was a regular American sitcom set in the Pacific Northwest that occasionally meandered down the rabbit hole.  This time, we’re permanently in the rabbit hole spending less time with many of the endearing characters.  One episode in particular would make Luis Bunuel and Salvador Dali ecstatic.  There are no easy answers as in most Lynch works, but as maddening, desultory and confusing as it was for the duration of its 18-episode season, I always wanted to tune in every week.  The Twin Peaks universe will always be a mystery and continue to be for years to come.  In another 25 years, the majority of the cast will either be really decrepit or dead unfortunately.  I didn’t rate this because if I gave it a positive review, I feel I’d be giving it too much credit for its own good, and not enough credit if given a negative review.  Fans of Twin Peaks will watch it anyway.  It will likely cause interesting discussions, demand repeat viewings, and linger subconsciously for years.  Proceed willingly and attentively.  9/4/2017

Twisted Metal (Season One)                                       OK/G

I don’t remember actually playing the videogame this Peacock series is based on, but I do remember when it came out.  All I knew about the game was that there were cars and an evil clown (the latter is sure to always pique my interest).  Now, I’ve never been the biggest fan of entertainment adapted from videogames; I’m not really a fan of any of the Resident Evil flicks (the ones I saw; I don’t even know which ones I didn’t see), the Silent Hill movies, the Mortal Kombats, and wasn’t a fan of the latest Super Mario Bros. Movie (and Mario Kart from Nintendo 64 is one of my all-time favorites).  Hell, I’ve never truly been what one might call a gamer (the aforementioned Mario Kart and this one bowling game from PSone are probably my favorites).  That doesn’t mean I won’t check out entertainment based on them though.  I was curious about this one solely because there was an evil clown involved.  Said evil clown (Sweet Tooth) is a bit whimsical, but is responsible for some bloody mayhem (so was Pennywise, for that matter).  Sweet Tooth is only one character amongst several though in a post-apocalyptic America wherein people try to survive while some get violent (you know the drill in these kinds of stories).  Anthony Mackie (8 Mile) plays a “milkman” tasked with traveling through this landscape from what used to be California to New Chicago to retrieve a package with promises of a reward once returned.  I will say that I actually enjoyed this series more than I thought I would and never felt like I was forcing myself to continue with the ten episodes (roughly 30-minutes each, give or take).  It’s fairly engaging with worthy characterizations.  And there is violence, as I’m sure there is in the videogame.  The story obviously isn’t over (no confirmation of a season two, as of this writing) and I’d be willing to give it at least one more visit (we all know how franchises can overstay their welcome).  8/10/2023

Twitches                                                                      EH

Yes, I used to watch Sister, Sister way back in the early 90’s when it premiered.  I was a prepubescent and loved it.  The twins, Tia and Tamara Mowry, from that show play witches (twin witches, get it?) separated at birth and reuniting on their 21^st birthdays, which also happens to be Halloween.  It was part of the Disney channel Halloween specials on demand and was free so I said why the hell not?  I’m open-minded, love Disney and kid-friendly entertainment.  This is standard, harmless, childish fare squarely for tweens and probably some teens.  It felt a lot longer than 87 minutes though.  11/3/2016

Twitches Too                                                               VB

Well, it was free and I had to watch it if I just watched the first one.  I thought the first one was lame?  This was 1,000 times worse!  In a review above I complained about the lack of witches in cinema.  Shit like this will continue to neglect them.  This wasn’t even really a witch movie.  It was just girls with magic powers like the first one.  This was more like a princess movie.  There’s nothing wrong with that (I’m open-minded) but I would hope a movie about anything would be better than this.  I hope they don’t make Twitches Three because my OCD would make me have to watch it.  If so, please don’t tell me about it.  11/4/2016

211                                                                              EH/OK

Begins in Afghanistan before the U.S. (Massachusetts I think) and involves four men seeking a large amount of money at a bank.  The men raid the bank and a bunch of shootings occur between them and the police, that’s basically all it entails (for the most part).  There really is no depth to it, I don’t feel we really got to know any of the characters (Nic Cage being one performer), and the entire thing felt a bit rushed.  12/10/2018

Two Sentence Horror Stories:  Season One                OK

This is an anthology series that somehow bypassed me when it premiered on The CW at the beginning of August.  I guess it won’t be advertised for the channel as much if it’s not Riverdale or a superhero show.  Or perhaps no one but people like me really cares about anthology shows, especially horror, anymore.  Each one of these 9 episodes (the last one consisting of three separate segments) begins with a sentence and another sentence is added to that one at the end, hence two sentence horror stories.  Since it was an anthology series, and to be in line with the concept, I’ll give each episode a two sentence review:

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Gentleman

Neat twist at the end.  Rather lame relationship story before that though.

Squirm

A bit of suspense in the first three-quarters.  Kind of a lame comeuppance conclusion in the vein of Tales from the Crypt.

Legacy

This one actually had a few creepy moments, making it one of the better episodes.  There’s a twist and sort of a sappy-ish conclusion, although still not entirely a happy one when completely over.

Hide

This had a Strangers vibe.  I still kind of enjoyed it though.

Scion

Rather unoriginal tale involving a cancer treatment center containing a staff with a sinister agenda.  Still decent though, I guess, and points for representation.

Tutorial

Lame entry in which characters aren’t who they initially appear to be.  Too satirical (ineffectively at that) and stale for me.

Only Child

Nothing special about this one involving demons and Haitian voodoo, nor is there really any satisfying payoff.  I didn’t realize we live in a time where people side with their kids over their parents either.

Little Monsters

No, this isn’t a remake of that Fred Savage movie.  Instead, it’s a simple (and just okay) story involving resourceful kids protecting themselves from adult cannibal demons in their urban environment.

Trilogy

a) Ma

Bland tale reminiscent of Carrie and Psycho.  Just watch those two movies instead; the originals of course!

b) Guilt Trip

So-so entry initially involving modern issues before throwing a curveball.  I was slightly reminded of “The Hitchhiker” segment in Creepshow 2, as well as a Masters of Horror episode (Incident On and Off a Mountain Road) towards the end, even though this wasn’t really like those at all.

c) Singularity

I was glad the transgender community was represented, but this one perplexed the shit out of me and left me feeling 100% unsatisfied.  Probably my least favorite segment of this season.

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In conclusion, it wasn’t the greatest anthology series I’ve seen; none were exactly phenomenal, many were just okay, but at least they were only a half-hour (even less without commercials; they’re all currently available on Netflix already) with the exception of the last one obviously since it was three tales in one; there’s a very diverse cast in regards to race, gender, sexuality, and gender identity too.  If more seasons are made, I will keep tuning in despite having low expectations.  What can I say?  I like watching anthology shows (and movies), especially horror ones.  9/28/2019

Two Sentence Horror Stories (Season 2)                    OK

I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again---I love short stories, be it visual or literary, as long as they’re long enough to be engaging, and I can never pass up an anthology show or movie.  So, here we are with season two of this anthology show originally airing on The CW but also made available on Netflix after ending on that channel (I say just watch it on Netflix to avoid commercials).  You can read my review for the first season here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/10/anna-and-apocalypse.html---and I’m going to do the same thing in this review wherein I describe each episode in two sentences to be in rhythm with the show.  To reiterate, and for those unaware of this show, a sentence is displayed on screen at the beginning of each segment and another sentence is added at the very end to that first one, pretty much summarizing what you just saw (hence the two sentence in the title).

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Bag Man

Teenagers in detention, although it’s not quite The Breakfast Club; those teenagers had it easier.  Should’ve been longer.

Elliot

Transgender male is provided with an instrument that makes his tormentors suffer, but, like always, there’s a catch.  Could be vicariously cathartic for some, but it’s rather silly in execution.

Instinct

A female writer works another job to pay rent.  Never know whether she’s imagining shit or it’s actually happening, but I didn’t really care either way.

Imposter

Worker tries to impress his future in-laws at the job.  I’m guessing the “doppelganger” he tries to destroy is the stereotypical version of himself he doesn’t want to be known as?

Quota

Zombie-ish film set at a warehouse.  Nothing special about it at all.

Fix

Brother and sister reunite at cabin.  There’s a demonic possession of sorts, but The Evil Dead this is not, not by a long shot.

Essence

Body horror at a salon.  Much-deserved comeuppance for the villain.

El Muerto

After The Sixth Sense, the whole notion of “dead people not knowing they’re dead at first” hasn’t been fresh.  Especially if it’s predictable.

Ibeji

The title, I learned after researching, means twins in a West African dialect, and this does involve twin sisters.  It also involves a practical creature whose design didn’t make me recall an entirely similar one.

Manifest Destiny

Production involving a re-enactment between Europeans and American Indians that is, like many such tales, fabricated to a degree.  Some end up possessed by the spirits of those being portrayed and I think you can deduce that doesn’t mean anything good.

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Like the first season, I wasn’t the biggest fan of this collection as a whole.  There were definitely more misses than hits; I do include segments that are just okay as leaning more towards misses.  I think I liked “Bag Man,” “Ibeji,” and “Manifest Destiny” the best, but even they weren’t extremely notable entries.  For those that don’t really care for anthology shows/movies, I wouldn’t tell you to watch this, but for those that do (like yours truly), all I can say, if you have absolutely nothing else to watch, is that they are all short (19 and 20 minutes each without commercials, so watch them on Netflix if you can) and the season as a whole totals a little over 3 hours.  Even though I can’t say this is my favorite anthology show after just two seasons, yes, I will watch a third season and so on, but I just hope they’ll contain more hits than misses, thank you very much!  3/1/2021

Two Sentence Horror Stories (Season Three)

Read my review for season one here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/10/anna-and-apocalypse.html and season two here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/03/two-sentence-horror-stories-season-2.html for an outline of the show (and if you want to read my analysis of the previous seasons).  I don’t think you would care to check out this season if you haven’t watched any of the last two, even though you don’t need to watch episodes of an anthology show in order.  You’ll see that I said this at the end of my review for season two---Even though I can’t say this is my favorite anthology show after just two seasons, yes, I will watch a third season and so on, but I just hope they’ll contain more hits than misses, thank you very much!  Well, I did watch this third season as I said I would, but I can’t say there were more hits than misses this time (unfortunately, but not surprising).  Out of these ten episodes, all roughly 20 minutes each (watch on Netflix instead of The CW to avoid commercials), my favorites of the bunch were “Toxic,” “Teatime,” “Heirloom,” and “Homecoming.”  “Toxic” involved demons/zombies in the woods, “Teatime” involved a babysitter in charge of an evil little girl with a special doll collection (I was slightly reminded of Dolls from 1987), “Heirloom” was a decent ghost story with a unique take on racism, and “Homecoming” involved a literal and figurative demon wherein the creature design wasn’t too bad.  As for the rest?  “Crush” was kind of lame; “Plant Life” wasn’t too interesting of a tale involving a failing relationship that gradually becomes body horror (some might claim the ending is somewhat bittersweet); “Teeth” may have worked had it been expanded since it felt a bit underdeveloped; “The Killer Inside” was probably my least favorite, involving, among other things, a woman trying to save her Dad; “Patel Motel Cartel” probably looked better on paper because the script was fine, but the creature effects were terrible; lastly, “Erased” may have been a clever metaphor on colonization, but the execution wasn’t too compelling.  Obviously this isn’t my favorite series, but I can’t resist horror anthology shows.  You figure, a little over three hours isn’t long for an entire season, but it is still precious time you could use on something else worthwhile.  You decide what you want to do; that’s your choice (I gave you my opinion).  Just like it was your choice to read this review.  And thank you, like always, if you did.  3/2/2022

2:22                                                                             EH

Rather stale film involving patterns and how some of us are seemingly “connected.”  You should figure it all out before the characters do.  The only positive thing I can say is that they did a swell job of making Australia look like New York City.  10/16/2017

U

Una                                                                             G

What an ironic time for this to come out during the #metoo movement.  Proponents might not think this film is a good example though.  It involves an unorthodox relationship between a 13-year-old girl and an older man (played by Ben Mendelsohn) and how it negatively affected both their lives thereafter.  The relationship was entirely consensual despite being completely immoral.  Both parties were at fault, especially the guy for acting on his pedophilic impulses.  Most people reach puberty by age 13 and many have fantasies or at least masturbate to the idea of being with an older person, so the young girl was simply succumbing to her urges even though she should’ve been old enough to know the relationship would’ve never worked out.  Rooney Mara (playing the girl 17 years later) confronts Ben’s character with a changed name at his job and their interactions (however expected some may be) are likely to cause contentious debates.  This film contains many disturbing themes and I almost feel disgusted for liking it, but I can’t deny how riveting it was and successful in displaying how certain behaviors and relationships never turn out well for anyone involved.  1/24/2018

The Unbidden                                                             EH/OK

Ever imagined The Joy Luck Club as a horror movie?  Yes, that was a racist joke because, after all, only honkies (regardless of sexuality) can be racist right?  Barely a horror movie and more of a drama involving a murder all the Asian women keep secret for years (one of them appeared to be Caucasian when younger but became at least half-Asian when older?---whatever, all the older women were pale-skinned anyway).  Oh, there is a ghost that isn’t really involved until the end.  Although I expected a straight-up horror movie (it was marketed as such and in the horror section on Redbox), it doesn’t make for a bad dramatic thriller.  Far from perfect and ends sappily.  When most of the cast and crew are Asian-American and involved in something subpar like this, I am going to mention the race!  I love Asian horror movies and many different Asian foods.  I hate everyone, leave me alone!  11/28/2016

Uncaged                                                                      OK/G

Decent natural horror film from Amsterdam (yes, a bit of it is in English, but it’s mostly in Dutch with subtitles) involving a lion loose in the city and its surrounding area.  The lion obviously isn’t real (its face alone will tell you that), looking like a mixture of CGI and practical, and could’ve looked a lot worse than it did, I guess (The Ghost and the Darkness and 2007’s Prey managed to effectively use real lions…just saying).  There is gore, that’s for damn certain, one or two parts even being slightly sickening.  Not a bad addition to the subgenre aside from the creature design not being the best (but passable enough) and that 20-minutes (give or take) could’ve been shaved off the run-time.  8/17/2020

Under the Shadow                                                      G

This is the first Iranian-set horror film I recall seeing.  It takes place in Tehran during the Iraq-Iran war (1980-1988) when even owning a VCR was punishable.  A mother and her daughter live in an apartment building while the father goes to war.  A bomb crashes through the building without detonating causing everyone to flee except the mom and daughter.  Not only are bombs a threat, but the two appear to be menaced by Djinn (supernatural creatures prominent in Islamic folklore).  The supernatural elements appear late and I thought it ended too soon, but I’m recommending it because there’s a very ominous build-up that secured my attention.  4/10/2017

Underwater                                                                 EH

A drilling crew is stationed deep in the Mariana Trench when something occurs (as is often the case in these cinematic scenarios), causing the survivors to work their way elsewhere in order to survive.  While it may resemble Alien under water (!), the plot reminded me more of Deep Blue Sea.  There be no sharks here though, but unidentified sea creatures there be.  The first creature we get to see is small, but wasn’t bad (practical at that) and I could’ve dealt with the others being similar.  The bigger creatures we get to see, however, look like poorly-designed videogame creations (yes, that means CGI).  After that I didn’t care much for the rest of the movie and that was only halfway.  This is yet another example of a film that could’ve been decent (or at least better) had the creature effects been better.  4/30/2020

Under Wraps                                                               OK

Recently released Disney Channel movie remake of another Disney Channel movie released in 1997.  Now, I don’t remember ever watching the original and was reminded of it not that long ago when discussing remakes with someone.  In 1997 I was a teenager and might’ve thought I was “too cool” to watch it, even though I was never “cool” (subjective term, yes, but whatever), or maybe would’ve thought it was too corny, and plus, my family didn’t have the Disney Channel back then.  I did watch the original for the first time the day before I watched this, and it was only available on YouTube which isn’t always the best platform to watch stuff.  It involves a trio of kids that accidentally wake a mummy in one of their neighbor’s houses, said neighbor having nefarious plans for said mummy.  In the meantime, the mummy escapes and the kids try concealing it the best they can after realizing it means them no harm (being Halloween season makes it a bit easier to blend in).  This remake is pretty much the same movie, but some things are done a bit differently.  The original contains no nostalgic factor for me since I just saw it, so I really wouldn’t know which one to tell you to watch, if either.  Normally I would say to watch the original, if anything, before the remake, but I’d probably just tell you to pick one and watch it this time, unless you need to see the original first (like me) and/or you have a mummy fascination.  Both weren’t bad as far as Disney Channel movies suitable for the entire family go, and both are harmless and not as corny as they could’ve been, making either one ‘okay’ viewing during this  holiday season.  Like I said, I don’t think it will matter which one you decide to watch, if either.  10/2/2021

The Undying Monster                                                 OK/G

A werewolf film from 1942 that’s actually quite good…until the creature is shown.  Modern movies suffer the same fate (Signs comes to mind as well as most sci-fi creature features released after the millennium).  I could probably be more forgiving here considering the era and we do only see the monster briefly at the end.  A hairy face is the only make-up effect but it looks like a poorly-rendered hologram.  Everything else is fine.  It’s well-shot in black & white, the story is engaging, the sets are very gothic, and some scenes were probably creepy for the time.  Modern audiences would more likely be stylistically impressed.  I highly doubt anyone born well past the release would be frightened.  The soundtrack, like many horror flicks of the time, were more orchestral and lacked the ominous tone prevalent in modern horror movies.  It is only an hour so, sure, I’ll recommend it for those that don’t mind delving into the past.  5/6/2017

Unearthed & Untold:  The Path to Pet Sematary       G

Seeing as the remake was just released, and no, I’m in no rush to see it even though I will eventually (unfortunately) and try as I may to keep an open mind when I do (as hard as it will be), I felt it was the perfect time to see this documentary on the making of the original film that’s currently available on Tubi (an app/channel that offers free movies and TV shows, F.Y.I.).  Pet Sematary is one of the first Stephen King-based adaptations I saw as a preteen when initially developing an interest in the author, and while it did disturb me, I loved it and it will always hold a special place in my heart.  I have read the book (years later) and do remember it being different (as many of his stories and adapted works are) and more disturbing in the psychological sense since you were actually inside Louis Creed’s head.  I like the movie more though (part of it could be nostalgia, yes) and liked the sequel enough.  I don’t think I need to repeat how much I dislike remakes if you’ve ever read any of my reviews before (in case, I don’t like remakes; I find the majority, if not all, of them unnecessary).  Granted, there are some that I didn’t hate, maybe even liked---The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, Piranha, Children of the Corn, House of Wax, I Spit on Your Grave, Silent Night, The Last House on the Left, Night of the Living Dead, My Bloody Valentine, etc.---but I still prefer the original (at least the one I saw first) the majority of the time.  I’m baffled at all the love, even from Mr. Stephen King himself, the Pet Sematary remake has received so far; or at the love given to any remake that wasn’t that great (It being one coming to mind).  They’re all just encouraging more remakes!  [I hate that Pet Sematary is now another film I have to say ‘the original’ in front of when referencing it!].  Anyway, this documentary makes no mention of the remake (as this was initially released 2 years ago).  I’m sure many of the information provided here could’ve been found in a book or somewhere on the World Wide Web, but not everyone likes to read and, arguably, sometimes it’s easier to retain information when there’s a visual accompaniment.  I, myself, actually learned a thing or two, including a certain star being a twin and how specific set locations were altered.  I did already know that a certain character wasn’t played by their assumed gender (I won’t reveal who in case some of you actually don’t know).  Part of the appeal in being a film fan, horror especially, is talking to like-minded individuals and seeing documentaries like this is very similar since you’re seeing and hearing others talk about the film(s) you like.  It’s hard to say if this is the definitive documentary on the film, but they did manage to get quite a few interviews, including minor characters like those playing Jud and Rachel as children.  I can imagine fans of the original Pet Sematary would be the most interested, although I wouldn’t exclude those with a general interest in filmmaking or those with open minds either.  My rating is for Pet Sematary (the original) fans though, or Stephen King completists.  4/10/2019

Unforgettable                                                              B

Well if that isn’t a misleading title!  The Hand that Rocks the Obsessed Fatal Attraction seems more appropriate.  At least they would’ve been honest to some of the movies being ripped off.  I had a smidgen of hope beforehand considering this was Denise Di Novi’s (producer of several Tim Burton films and Heathers) directorial debut.  I should just copy and paste past reviews for similar movies since I feel I repeat myself way too often.  Girl begins relationship with guy.  Guy has kid from previous relationship.  Ex-wife is still in their life.  Ex-wife is obviously unhinged.  Ex-wife is jealous of new girl.  Ex-wife plots to make new girl look crazy despite us viewers knowing the truth.  People realize too late that ex-wife is the crazy one.  A final showdown between ex-wife and new girl ends badly for one.  I’ll be astonished if you’re unfamiliar with any of that.  Denise, I’m astonished you chose this completely derivative and forgettable (!) movie to be your directorial debut!  Stick to producing!  8/19/2017

Unfriended:  Dark Web                                               OK

In-name sequel only as it bears no connection to Unfriended, which makes me wonder why it wasn’t simply titled Dark Web?  I remember thinking Unfriended was decent for what it was worth and involved a girl haunting her tormenters online after she killed herself.  This one is filmed the same way as if viewed by one or more people online and involves a guy getting mixed in with dangerous activity after stealing a laptop from a lost and found.  He’s given ultimatums or else people will die and now all his friends he’s chatting with online are involved.  The format may not be so novel anymore, but it somehow still keeps you glued to the screen---some parts you actually have to lean forward or squint to read the Facebook messages which the filmmakers should’ve worked on enlarging somehow.  I ultimately didn’t think it got as dark as it could have and I’ve seen this all before (format and content), therefore making it an undistinguished entry.  10/18/2018

Unhinged                                                                    OK

Four girls on their way to a wedding (the bride in tow) decide to take a different route.  Never a good idea in any movie, especially horror.  Of course something happens and they have no idea where they are and the car is running low on gas.  Of course their phones have no signal so that eliminates calling for help or using a Maps app.  They come across a foreboding house in the middle of nowhere containing a single woman with no phone, no TV (from what I recall), and empty picture frames.  She informs them to never go in the surrounding woods.  Something sinister is obviously afoot.  With all those clichés aside, there’s actually an ominous tone initially, effective use of gardening tools as weapons, and a twist that mildly took me by surprise revealing its apparent inspiration from a certain Hitchcock film.  With millions of movies already out there, it’s nearly impossible to make something truly groundbreaking anymore.  I can forgive unoriginality as long as I somewhat enjoy them and they’re not shamefully derivative.  This English film tries but not enough to overlook its several borrowings.  11/3/2017

Unsane                                                                        OK/G

This film isn’t exactly groundbreaking and doesn’t amount to much, but like his other film Bubble, Steven Soderbergh managed to take simplistic material, here involving a mental institution and a stalker, and make it relatively involving (I liked Bubble better though).  I don’t think it’s worth seeing in the theater unless you have a gift card and there’s nothing else playing.  Do check out Bubble if you haven’t already though.  3/26/2018

The Unspoken                                                             OK

Wow, my rating surely changed by the end.  Initially it went from EH to B to OK.  Begins as a standard haunted house film with a tragic history incorporating elements of Poltergeist and Monster House in a “poor man’s fashion.”  There’s a rather clever twist that not only makes the movie better but might make me have to revisit.  This is one of those rare examples where a twist works in a movie’s favor.  However, in contrast to movies being good until a twist ruins it, this wasn’t good enough beforehand to warrant a better rating.  Like I said though, if I ever watch it again knowing the twist, I might have a different opinion.  I particularly liked the nails-through-the-floor attack.  12/15/2016

The Untamed                                                              G

This Mexican film is part family drama, part sci-fi mystery.  You never truly know what happens behind closed doors.  The “homophobic” husband is gay like usual but we see that before he acts homophobic.  Considering the carnal pleasure some of the women receive from an otherworldly squid-like creature, I’m baffled as to why some (like the husband) still have to conceal their sexuality in this day and age.  The film is fairly straightforward with bizarre and dark undertones and there’s nothing I’ve seen quite like it lately.  2/23/2018

Unveiled                                                                      G

German film from 2005 about an Iranian lesbian forced out of her country, assuming a dead man’s identity.  Seeing films like Boys Don’t Cry we, as an audience, can basically foresee how everything will turn out.  There’s no surprises but this film actually doesn’t end predictably.  Amazing how it’s still hard being yourself in different parts of the world.  Bi-curious American girls have it so easy (bet they wouldn’t be so experimental if they lived elsewhere and struggled like the girl in this film)!  5/2/2016

The Unwilling                                                             EH

Yet another disposable non-theatrical horror release featuring a recognizable face from the genre (Lance Henriksen) and another that only true horror fans born before the millennium will recognize.  Here’s a hint---sometimes they come back (wink, wink) to be in movies regardless of quality simply for a paycheck or hopeful comeback.  This formulaic feature involves six people gathering at a house for a will reading before a Lovecraftian box mysteriously arrives which contains deadly temptations that off them one by one.  It hints at something possibly clever towards the end, but never quite expands upon it before ending abruptly.  I am not unwilling, in the least, to tell you to pass on this!  6/3/2018

Upgrade                                                                      OK/G

Leigh Whannell, the writer and/or star of the first three Saw films as well as all the Insidious films, wrote and directed this.  It isn’t quite like any of those films though.  This is an action/sci-fi film with the plot of The Crow and countless other films where a man’s wife/girlfriend/whomever is murdered and he seeks revenge against those involved.  Here, he’s left for dead and ends up in a wheelchair, but after being “upgraded” with an implant called STEM, he’s not only able to walk but defend himself against pretty much anyone on demand.  Man is machine more than man vs. machine.  There’s quite a bit I did like about this film, it’s violent as hell when it wants to be too, but there’s a bit I disliked about it as well (its cinematic déjà vu in more ways than one being the main gripe) to prevent me from outright praising it.  Kudos Mr. Whannell for trying your hand at something different though and passing more than failing.  8/29/2018

Upstate Story                                                               G

One of the perks of social media is the occasional message I receive about reviewing a film, such as this instance where I was sent a personal message on Facebook from Shaun Rose, the star/writer/director/etc. of this feature available on YouTube.  I always hate when I end up not liking the movie though, even though it’s not my fault I didn’t like it, and I always tell the message sender before I watch their film that I’ll be completely honest in my review (no ass-kissing here).  Here is one that I actually liked!  In this existential independent film, we follow the life of a 20-something year old named Ellis (played by Mr. Rose) in the span of one week.  The ‘upstate’ refers to Saratoga Springs, New York.  Ellis lives with a roommate he’s not too fond of, hates his job (cleaning houses and such on Monday through Friday), looks for other work to no avail, and is only happy on the weekends (which you’ll see why when the film cleverly transitions from black & white to color).  This shit is real life as depressing as it may be and we all have a bit of Ellis in us from time to time (yes, some more than others, but “bullshit happens to people and that’s life” as he states at one time).  It is only an hour, so it won’t take up too much of your time, and I feel that was just enough time to get to know this Ellis character.  Perhaps with an actual budget (this film worked perfectly fine with an apparent zero budget as well) and judging on this product, I think Shaun Rose has the potential to make an indie gem alongside the likes of Clerks, Duck Season, Pieces of April, and others.  In the meantime, you can watch this on YouTube and tell as many people as you can to watch it and have them keep telling people since Mr. Rose just wants exposure which I feel this film rightfully deserves.  3/21/2020

Urge                                                                            EH/OK

If you introduce a drug with promises of no hangover effect and feeling like you’ve never felt BUT you can only do it once, do you really think people are gonna stop at one time?  Watch this movie and find out what happens if you get seconds.  Or don’t, which is where my vote predominantly rests.  This begins as a lame-o “old friends getting together and spending vacation on an island with tensions and jealousies lingering in the air” film.  The second half is better and mildly disturbing when you see all the damage done as a result of taking the titular drug.  It ends abruptly though and left me feeling empty.  Watch Requiem for a Dream if you want to see a better (and more disturbing) movie dealing with drugs causing disastrous results.  9/23/2016

Us                                                                                OK/G

I did like Get Out but not as much as general moviegoers, critics or not, apparently did (enough to get Oscar recognition).  This is director Jordan Peele’s (one half of Key & Peele) sophomore cinematic effort.  While Get Out focused entirely on the topic of race, Us just happens to focus on a vacationing black family with race not factoring into the plot involving doppelgangers.  [I’m glad I read an article afterwards where Mr. Peele stated he had no intention of this film being about race, because I was afraid perhaps I missed something; I didn’t read Get Out 100% correctly the first time after all.  To me, that’s progress showing black people live like every other American without being labeled a “black movie” and simply a “horror movie,” but it makes me wonder if it wasn’t labeled as such since the primary ancillary characters were a white family.  Therefore, more progress is still necessary in order for a film to have a predominant black cast without being labeled a “black movie” regardless of genre.  Or perhaps all movies should just always have an equal amount of representation, no?].  Anyway, to say I was disappointed with this film would be an overstatement, although I kind of was considering I’ve been looking forward to this upon hearing of it and seeing a preview for the first time.  There was a bit I liked about it and Jordan definitely knows how to make movies (as proved twice now), but I believe much of the first half was rather ordinary by horror standards after a fairly ominous beginning (scissors are an awesome weapon of choice though by the way).  During the last half, I felt like there was much more than met the eye (which Mr. Peele also revealed was the intention so, again, I’m glad I may not have missed something) and the revelations didn’t make me ponder too much about what came before, but rather the revelations themselves.  I know I’m probably going to have to eventually rewatch this after reading a couple different analyses and thinking about it more, but for now I’ll say I wasn’t completely satisfied even though I was still hooked throughout and I’m absolutely not dismissing it.  3/24/2019

Us and Them                                                               EH/OK

A more appropriate or significant title would be Us vs. Them in this U.K. film dealing with issues between the haves and the have-nots, the rich and the poor, etc.  They’re all Caucasians involved so evidently if we all were of one race, there’d still be differences whether it be class, economic status, gender or sexual orientation.  Three men invade a rich family’s home (consisting of a man, his wife and daughter) in more of an attempt to show others like them (via video) how the less fortunate (like the three men) feel daily, instead of simply robbing them.  Not all works out as planned (as always in these situations in movies).  There’s an apparent Tarantino influence, an instance of a Spike Lee influence (you’ll know when if you’re familiar with the filmmakers work), plus other U.K. crime thrillers and general home invasion films.  Class and economic differences (especially since many can relate) will always make for interesting social commentaries and I’m still generally a sucker for nonlinear storytelling which an aforementioned director is known for, but I couldn’t help but feel this was a story I’ve seen one time too many, in theme and execution.  7/15/2018

USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage                            OK/G

I’ve always been curious about what exactly went down (!) on the USS Indianapolis every time I hear Quint tell the chilling story in Jaws.  I was a newborn going in so it’s not my place to say whether any of this is based on fact or not.  As a movie itself, it combines a decent mixture of war-based disaster and natural horror.  Think U-571 meets Open Water with more shark attacks.  Some of the sharks are creepy while others appear straight from a generic SyFy movie.  There’s enough shark attacks to go around but I still think Quint’s story is more frightening.  Two of the men from the actual event retell parts of their ordeal after the movie and they make it sound more terrifying.  Movies based on true stories will never equal the terror for those that lived it.  This is strictly popcorn entertainment.  2/6/2017

V

Vampires vs. the Bronx                                               OK/G

New Netflix film in which the title is pretty self-explanatory.  There are vampires and it does take place in the Bronx (New York).  It follows three kids trying to save their neighborhood (I’m not sure of their exact age, but I’ll say early teens), one black and two Latin (for those concerned with diversity, but are you really surprised given the location?); in fact, the only white people are the evil vampires intent on taking over the city disguised as real estate agents (hmm…social commentary?).  The film is clichéd and predictable, one character typically knowing everything about vampires and they end up being completely vulnerable to traditional defenses (garlic, wooden stakes, holy water, crucifixes, etc.), but it is still kind of fun (although I doubt it’ll become a classic), and being that it’s rated PG-13 (I only noticed a few cuss words and the violence is largely implied), those that are actually the same age as the protagonists (or even younger) can actually watch this while identifying with them and/or looking up to them.  Older audience members that are fans of bloodsucker cinema can enjoy it too, of course.  Plus, the vampires have a more traditionally frightening look as opposed to a sparkly benign one!  10/5/2020

The Vanished (2020)                                                   OK

(haiku review)

Young girl disappears.

Full of clichés.  Not bad though.

Predictable twist.  10/27/2020

The Vanishing of Sidney Hall                                      EH

Bears the title of an unoriginal supernatural thriller but is actually part teen movie intercut with an existential drama about a successful author self-destructing over personal relationships.  Gee, I’ve never heard that type of story before.  I’m not really sure if I would’ve preferred a run-of-the-mill thriller suggested by the title over this insipid melodrama that’s two hours too long.  4/1/2018

The Vast of Night                                                        G

This Amazon Original film was said to have been inspired by The Twilight Zone (I hope I don’t have to clarify that that means the original Rod Serling series) and I can certainly attest to that (the movie is actually presented on a box TV as part of a series entitled Paradox Theater).  It takes place in New Mexico during the Fifties (according to a synopsis) although I don’t recall anything indicating exactly when; I just knew it was before 1974 based on what one character said, but I should’ve figured it was the Fifties if it was emulating that aforementioned anthology series.  Much like The Twilight Zone, it takes a simplistic yet effective approach to its execution, basically “less is more” and it completely works with predominantly dialogue in its 90-minutes.  This sci-fi thriller was very suspenseful in telling instead of showing and sometimes, despite what many writing professors will tell you, that can be just as effective as showing instead of telling (one of the best examples is the scene in Jaws where Quint describes what happened with the USS Indianapolis).  I don’t want to reveal too much as I do recommend you check it out for yourself, especially if you like the original Twilight Zone.  6/2/2020

Vazante                                                                       EH

Brazilian film set in 1821 revolving around European slave owners and their African slaves.  Yeah, it happened in South and Central America as well as North America.  Many people don’t seem to acknowledge that those we call Latino/Hispanic are actually of European, African and American Indian descent, one or a combination of two or all three.  They are labeled Latino/Hispanic, regardless of race, by the U.S. government when they come to the states.  Anyway, back to this extreme slow burn of a film based on post-Columbian Brazilian history.  The synopsis I gave in the first sentence is essentially all this film entails in addition to members from both sides sleeping around with those they shouldn’t (at least of the time).  I have absolutely nothing against historical films with messages, I actually like learning more about history through films, but at least make it interesting.  This was no more compelling than reading a chapter in a history book without detailed information.  6/12/2018

The Veil                                                                       OK/G

What happens when we die?  It’s something we all would like to know but never will despite what many religions attest.  Some of the characters in this film know what happens, but we don’t get to see.  This film, set in California but looks like it was shot somewhere in the Deep South (probably was), is as empty as the human vessels the “spirits” inhabit (see the movie to understand).  Well-shot with an impending sense of dread yet meanders until the denouement.  I dislike when movies show one side to a story.  I would’ve liked to have seen where these “souls” departed to, unless that was intended?  I wanted to like this movie with its star-studded cast, and I halfway did; maybe I should watch it again after discussions?  I do believe interesting conversations can be had with other conclusions/theories; so watch it and let’s chat!  4/24/2016

The VelociPastor                                                         EH

I don’t want to insult anyone’s intelligence, but the title is a combination of velociraptor and pastor.  That is indeed what the film contains too, a pastor given the ability to transform into a velociraptor after coming into contact with an item on a visit to China.  Following the advice of a pre-med/law hooker, he decides to only kill “bad” people.  There are also ninjas.  Going into the film with expectations as low as they can possibly go, I knew it would be corny and corny it sure was.  It wasn’t as completely bad as it could’ve been, I guess, and there are three catchy songs on the soundtrack.  I counted three times I laughed, one being how laughably bad the dinosaur was, but, hey, at least it was practical.  Ha, I don’t think it’s safe to say this film deserves praise for deciding to utilize practical over CGI for the creature (practical here means a hunchback costume).  The film isn’t recommendable by any stretch, as should be obvious with such a title and premise, but if you’re curious and have 70-minutes to kill (thankfully it was that short), I think you know what I’d tell you.  What am I saying?  There are countless better ways to spend 70-minutes, such as watching the original Dumbo (with 6-minutes to spare), eating some good food, swimming in a pool, or even watching the first 70-minutes of a better movie.  Clearly I’m no fun for not exactly enjoying a film that was intended to be bad from the get-go.  Oh well…8/31/2020

Vendetta                                                                      EH/OK

I hate to admit I’m not the biggest fan of the Soska sisters.  It’s a shame because I admire their ambition, eclecticism and love for horror.  Evidently, I like their reputation more than their actual filmography.  I liked their first feature, Dead Hooker in a Trunk; I thought it was different, but that’s the last good film they made so far.  I like Katharine Isabelle but wasn’t a fan of American Mary because I’m not into body modification.  See No Evil 2 was no different than any old slasher flick, plus I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first one.  Plus I’m not really a fan of hospitals and films set in them (confession:  I’m not the biggest fan of the original Halloween II for this reason).  Now, here’s Vendetta, a bloody revenge flick set in a prison.  Bloody for sure, but I like gore in the right movie.  Horror movies specifically.  Similar to disliking hospitals, I’m not really a fan of prison-set media.  Unless it’s written by Stephen King, stars Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell, or Shutter Island…there might be more.  This movie isn’t entirely bad.  It’s good for the type of film it tries to be and its intended audience.  I like Ben Hollingsworth too.  Does anyone even know him?  He stars in the new medical show Code Black (which I don’t watch…hospitals remember?) and appeared sporadically in the cancelled Backstrom, plus Joy Ride 3 and The Joneses.  I wish he was in it more.  Oh well, I’m going to continue supporting the Soska twins hoping they make a film I actually like other than Dead Hooker.  5/20/2016

Veronica                                                                      G

Yet another movie “based on a true story” and yet another horror film involving a Ouija board.  While this Spanish film taking place in 1991 is far from great, it’s better than most films involving them.  I have a feeling the titular character’s late burgeoning puberty tied in with something, in addition to an eclipse occurring simultaneously when she and two other girls tampered with the spirit board.  I don’t think the ending made too much sense, but I thought this was generally an engaging thrill ride.  3/6/2018

Verotika                                                                       B

Anthology film written and directed by Glenn Danzig based on a comic book series I never read.  Perhaps you know Mr. Danzig as the original singer of horror-punk band, The Misfits, and/or his own band, Danzig?  You at least had to have heard his one single, “Mother.”  If not, that’s what modern conveniences like Spotify are for.  Anyway, I haven’t heard too many good things about this film.  It only received a 22% rating out of 18 critics on Rotten Tomatoes and was voted worst film of 2020 by Rue Morgue magazine, or, as they label it, “Worst Cinematic Atrocity to Wound Your Retinas.”  Now, even though that publication is one of my favorite magazines, if not the favorite, I don’t always agree with them.  Case in point, they voted His House as the best feature film of last year, a film I didn’t dislike, not at all, but felt was overrated (100% out of 112 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, really?!).  In regards to this film, I don’t disagree with their decision.  This film was bad, it was awful, it was one of the worst anthology films I’ve ever seen.  There are three tales presented by a hostess that fails horribly at trying to emulate Elvira.  The first tale was dopey, there being “boob eyes” and a mutated human spider, and goes on longer than necessary.  The second one involves a scarred woman stealing faces from women, and if Leatherface was supposed to be paralleled, it was another failed attempt; I was also reminded of a much better film I reviewed a couple blogs ago called The Stylist.  The final tale was a horrendous Elizabeth Bathory-type story set in medieval times, or some time in the much long-ago past.  I didn’t enjoy a single moment of this film; the production looks awful, the acting is terrible, and while there may be violence, violence does not a good movie make (as proven here).  Avoid this.  I expected better from you, Glenn!  3/27/2021

A Very Murray Christmas                                           EH

This was a dismal experience and I’m unsure if it was supposed to be.  What was the intention of this Netflix special involving Bill Murray performing (or witnessing) popular Christmas songs alongside celebrities such as Chris Rock, George Clooney and Miley Cyrus?  A snowstorm basically shuts down New York City so a planned concert is cancelled and that, in turn, makes Mr. Murray bitter.  The improv musical numbers and giving advice to an unhappy soon-to-be married couple make him appear a bit more jovial before finishing with a “Scrooge”-like ending.  There’s an idea---I wouldn’t mind seeing yet another Christmas Carol adaptation with Bill Murray starring.  Wait, that already happened in Scrooged.  I’m a big fan of Bill Murray.  At least I was back in the day, pre-Millennium mostly.  He’s a funny man.  This barely-hour long feature wasn’t funny though.  I wasn’t crazy about any of the musical performances either, save the Phoenix one (now I know where that catchy motivational song originated).  Bill Murray, I still think you’re great, but I don’t plan on revisiting this holiday special annually.  12/19/2017

VFW                                                                            OK/G

VFW is an acronym for Veterans of Foreign Wars.  This film not only contains characters belonging to said group, but they are all played by veteran genre actors (particularly horror and action) recognizable by face more than name.  These characters hang out at a VFW bar.  There’s a punk hangout right next to this bar.  There’s a new drug popular amongst these punks.  All hell breaks loose when a girl steals said drugs from said punks and ends up in said bar.  The veterans can’t just give up the girl and the drugs because then the punks will kill them all.  The cops won’t come since the punks basically took over the streets and “gunshots basically sound like crickets in the neighborhood” as one character states.  Therefore, the veterans and punks have to fight each other with any weapons they can muster (including guns, knives, axes, sharpened wood, pretty much anything sharp).  Being that it’s a simple movie with sharp objects causing violence, said violence being practical, and that Fangoria’s name is attached (one of my favorite magazines), you’d think I would’ve loved this movie.  I kind of did like it, but not as much as I had anticipated.  There is violence, no doubt about that, and some of it is over-the-top, but much of it happens too quickly or the scenes are too dark to absorb it all.  I wonder if it’s one of those that gets better with time/viewings, but I usually like to be satisfied enough the first time.  It seems like this was probably more fun to make.  I don’t know…4/9/2020

V/H/S/85                                                                      OK/G

Sixth entry of this anthology franchise taking place in the much-beloved Eighties.  According to my archives, this is how I rated the others:  V/H/S---OK/G, V/H/S/2---VG/E, V/H/S: Viral---OK, V/H/S/94---OK, and the only one I wrote a review for before this, a haiku one, was V/H/S/99 in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/11/speak-no-evil.html.  Looks like I didn’t dislike any of them, the second being my favorite (I do remember liking it a lot when watching for the first time, but I highly doubt I’d rate it that high if I watched it now, but who knows?).  This one has five tales with a wraparound I wasn’t too crazy about, it involving an otherworldly specimen being studied in a facility (might’ve been too weird for me by the time it concluded).  The first one follows a group of friends spending some time at a lake before their excursion turns very deadly.  I thought it ended too soon, but it luckily ties in with another (later) segment, featuring an ingenious form of revenge.  Even though questions were answered, I actually wouldn’t mind these two segments adapted into a feature-length film (I feel there’s still more to the story); hey, it worked with Siren and Kids vs. Aliens (reviews for those are in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/12/mooby-reviews-121316.html, and here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/01/kids-vs-aliens.html).  Two other ones were merely just okay, not terrible at all, one involving an earthquake in Mexico causing some to come across ancient deities underground whom aren’t exactly benevolent, the other involving a virtual reality program with the ability to cross over into reality.  The final one was pretty good, about murders being recorded on video before they happen; it certainly doesn’t skimp on the violence.  Therefore, I didn’t dislike any of them (except for maybe the wraparound), at least three out of five definitely passing, making this entry worth a gander and a worthy addition to the series.  11/22/2023

V/H/S/99                                                                      OK/G

(haiku review)

Fifth of the series.

Not wholly original.

Still fun though.  Five tales.  11/2/2022

Victor Crowley                                                            B/EH

Hatchet was a worthy throwback to gory, simplistic slasher films from the ‘80’s.  Hatchet II and III were unnecessary but watchable sequels.  Hatchet III was supposed to be the last one.  I know such things are never set in stone, especially with horror franchises, but it damn well should’ve been judging by this fourth entry!  I’m surprised the original creator, Adam Green, whom is actually a worthy post-millennial filmmaker, was behind this (part three was the only one he wasn’t).  This film felt like a parody of the franchise, not in the Scream sense but more in the Scary Movie vein (which itself was a parody of the former).  The series has always been sort of tongue-in-cheek to a point but never as unbearably apparent as here.  I hated every single character.  The only thing going for it is the expected gore and the scant barely 80-minute runtime (the former barely making it worthwhile and the latter not necessarily being a compliment).  One particular standout is a rather gruesome demise befalling a certain Sleepaway Camp alumni.  My suggestion for gorehounds would be to either fast-forward to each death or hope Adam Green will be nice enough to make a special feature showcasing only the death sequences (some body count DVD/Blu-Rays do have that feature).  I would say this sequel is for Hatchet fans only, but even they might deem it unnecessary like I surely did, therefore not befitting anyone.  Mr. Green, I think it’s time you bury this hatchet (!) for good.  3/24/2018

The Villainess                                                              OK

The beginning and end of this Korean action flick are superb.  The in-between, not so much.  The first-person POV in the beginning is a bloody fun extravaganza that might be the best and most engaging sequence I’ve seen in quite some time.  It’s a shame the film drags after that until the not-as-good-but-equally-entertaining finale.  I would tell you to watch specifically for the beginning but I can’t quite recommend the entire film because you’ll be wasting almost 2 hours until the end.  1/8/2018

Violent Night                                                               OK/G

David Harbour, he of Stranger Things fame, plays Santa, literally, in this new holiday film from the director of Dead Snow and Dead Snow 2.  Santa ends up stranded at a large house in Connecticut when criminals hold the family inside hostage in hopes of obtaining something (Large house?  Why wouldn’t someone want to steal from it?).  Things do get violent as the title states when Jolly Old St. Nick helps defend this family throughout the night.  Yes, Santa is the good guy, if you didn’t see previews or read about it, not quite like Billy in Silent Night, Deadly Night (although I think there may have been at least one nod to that film here).  I’m guessing this is going to be compared to Die Hard the most.  There were references and nods to Home Alone too (and I’d say those scenes were worthy).  I was impressed with some of the violence, particularly what happens after a decoration is shoved into an eyeball, and when Santa goes wild while a Bryan Adams song is playing.  It is often a typical action flick wherein the good guys inevitably prevail over the baddies, and I don’t think I’m giving anything away by saying that either; plus, I didn’t tell you how anyone was defeated (another violent scene I was impressed with, and shocked by, is what befalls the main baddie played by John Leguizamo).  Generally a fun film when all is said and done, even if it often does feel typical.  12/13/2022

Viral                                                                            OK/G

This film begins as a high school teen movie and gradually becomes a lock-ourselves-in-a-house thriller about a parasitic virus causing the end of the world.  As far as apocalyptic movies go, you could do a lot worse.  8/6/2016

Virus Shark                                                                 VB

(haiku review)

Sharks cause pandemic.

This film is utter garbage.

So bad it’s awful!  8/21/2021

The Visitor (1979)                                                       B

My buddy John Bowen from Rue Morgue magazine wrote an article detailing the extreme absurdity of this feature prompting me to find out for myself.  Poorly reviewed movies pique my interest just as much as critically acclaimed ones.  I always hope to like “bad” movies.  I got absolutely nothing from this atrocity.  A featurette on the disc claims this was supposed to be an homage to The Exorcist.  Not once did I think of that movie while watching.  The only slight comparisons would be that there’s a Jesus figure, a bitchy little girl, and implied possessions.  I think this is supposed to be an alien invasion film but I’m not exactly sure.  There’s a basketball game in the beginning appearing to be a real one which makes me wonder if it actually was and the director edited it in.  The one thing (and only thing) I did like in this 100 minute movie was the “bird knife.”  That was pretty cool.  I’m all for surrealism as long as I get something from it.  You can’t be bizarre just for the sake of being bizarre.  I’ve enjoyed most of David Lynch’s films.  Thanks for wasting my time by making me aware of this film, Mr. Bowen.  8/17/2017

Vivarium                                                                     OK/G

The Twilight Zone much?  This sci-fi film certainly felt like a feature-length episode (not that there’s anything wrong with that; I love The Twilight Zone).  In it, a couple (played by Jesse Eisenberg and Imogen Poots) follow an agent to check out a home in a development called Yonder (hmm…) where all the homes look identical and not a single person seems to be living in.  While checking out one of the homes, the agent disappears.  They try driving out of the development only to keep ending up back at the same home; same when they try escaping by foot.  They realize they’re stuck at this house; burning it down doesn’t even get rid of it.  They’re repeatedly given a box of food with instructions outside the home, and one box contains a baby they’re told to raise if they want to be released.  The child ages exponentially, screams when it’s hungry, and acts very robotic.  Are they in Hell?  Purgatory?  There is a pervading sense of dread that had me quite intrigued for most of its length, but I can’t give it a strictly G rating (which really bums me out) since I didn’t get a direct (or at least satisfying) conclusion from it.  I read several different explanations online afterwards, even from the director himself, and none of them would’ve made me think anything of the sort had I not read them.  The director (Lorcan Finnegan) also said the film, like many a sci-fi tale, was open to the viewer’s interpretation, but that doesn’t help me.  I mean, I think I sort of took something from it before I read spoilers, and if it is open to my interpretation, I guess my ending could be right, no?  Ugh!  Whatever!  Check it out and maybe it won’t be as maddeningly baffling for you.  5/15/2020

The Void                                                                      G

I’m not fond of hospital-set films but I think this might be an added exception.  Far from perfect but contains a brooding sense of dread effectively leading to the Lovecraftian terrors in wait.  This movie is so gloriously bizarre, I have to recommend it.  I have a sense it requires more than one viewing though.  While I recognized elements of Hellraiser, Slither and The Thing, this is essentially its own movie.  Some of the effects might’ve been icky but less in the feeling of unintentional regurgitation and more in wanting a concentrated gander at all its grotesquerie.  5/30/2017

Volumes of Blood                                                        OK/G

Horror anthology?  You know I had to, however possible.  If not, you don’t know me or read anything else I write.  This indie film contains several stories set in the same library, including the wraparound segment.  Fairly predictable but enjoyable.  The ghost tale is lame and my personal fave involved an ex-boyfriend returning from Hell.  My rating leans more towards G because its heart is in the right place, but doesn’t quite reach since it’s not the best quality.  Very good example for budding filmmakers to see how time and money could possibly be saved by utilizing one location creatively.  10/25/2016

W

Waffle Street                                                                G

It’s never too late to change your life.  While true, it’s generally easier said than done.  The guy in this movie goes from working in finance to serving at a waffle house after getting fired and desiring change.  He soon learns it’s not much easier working in the restaurant business.  Anything and everything goes wrong for this guy.  It’s a brutally honest portrayal of trying to make it in this world.  Yes, there’s a wise old man (played by Danny Glover) giving life advice, ultimately enabling the young protagonist to make an honest decision about his career.  What Mr. Glover imparted may be as cliché as his character, but it’s a life motto everyone should abide by.  You should always work as if you weren’t getting paid.  If applicable of course because bills still need to be paid.  I generally enjoyed this slice-of-(hard)-life film however cliché it was at times.  4/10/2017

The Wailing                                                                 OK/G

Horror tale from Korea.  It’s setup as a ghost story but incorporates demons, possession, zombies and police procedural into the plot.  I enjoyed this 2 ½ hour movie to a point.  There’s only a few boring parts and it’s well-shot with many interesting ideas.  The ending left me dumbfounded though.  There’s more than one way to interpret it with no easy answers.  I’m all for ambiguous endings (David Lynch fan here) but if I can’t take away any meaning at all, I get frustrated.  That’s what this movie did.  I don’t want to hear other people’s opinions either.  I want to take my own meaning away from it yet be relatively close to the intended meaning.  10/15/2016

Wakefield                                                                     EH/OK

The first thing I’m going to do when someone goes missing is check the attic or any other part of the house or surrounding area no one thinks to look.  It always baffles me when someone is able to dwell in a house unnoticed for lengths of time in movies.  If I ever get a house I’m going to make sure I can access every part of it, periodically check for intruders, and investigate every time I hear a strange noise instead of brushing it off as animals scurrying between the walls.  Of course I’ll be cautious about it since I don’t want to be that idiot investigating strange noises like in the movies.  Anyway, this film involves a suburban dad played by Bryan Cranston spying on his family from the top of their parking garage.  Initially it starts off as a prank before he eventually becomes a recluse.  At first, he enters his house while his wife and twin daughters are out, eats the food and showers until deciding to live homeless by scouring dumpsters for food.  Apparently living in the suburbs allows for ample pickings.  Real homeless people would be very angry if they watched this film.  This guy had a house in a decent area, a job and a family.  It must be tough being a straight, middle class guy.  I guess no one is ever truly happy.  If all he wanted was time apart from his boring life without his wife being suspicious, I’m sure they could’ve worked something out if they communicated like couples are supposed to do.  I guess it’s always easier said than done until you’re in the situation.  I find it hard to believe no one ever saw him on his excursions, other than two mentally challenged neighbors (cop-out in my opinion), and no one, including authorities, ever thought to check every part of the house in this day and age.  Of course he thought this all out in case such a thing were to happen, but I still can’t believe he pulled it off for that long.  I’m assuming with the changing of seasons, it wasn’t even a year.  Mr. Cranston is good and almost makes it work, but similar to what he stated at one point about pondering how long he can pull off his stunt before it gets old, I felt the same way about the film in general.  10/8/2017

The Watcher in the Woods (2017)                               OK

It was okay.  For a Lifetime TV movie remake of a live-action Disney movie, it was okay.  I only remember bits and pieces of the original film.  I must not have liked it too much if I only saw it one time and can’t vividly recall most of it.  “Clarissa” directed this one and mentioned in an article that it was going to be a different version, so I guess it doesn’t matter what I remember.  I wasn’t disappointed afterwards (I wasn’t expecting much anyway) but I still felt it was only a story idea (containing some dark themes) with so much missing.  It was okay.  10/23/2017

Watership Down                                                         OK/G

New Netflix series based on the novel by Richard Adams totaling roughly 3 ½ hours in four episodes.  I never read the book but I have seen the animated movie from 1978 and a search informed me there was another TV series in 1999 which I haven’t seen.  I don’t remember much about the movie other than there being rabbits and one depressing scene featuring a montage with a sad song after one bunny died.  If this story is any indication, it really sucks being a bunny.  Their god seemingly created them to be hunted by predators (humans and animals) initially, providing them with long legs and long ears as “protection” thereafter.  They battle with other bunnies too.  This is probably a bit dark for the little ones even though they might be curious being that it’s a cartoon with bunny rabbits.  There’re many adult themes and I know it’s taught in high schools (in Donnie Darko it was and my younger brother said he at least watched the movie through a teacher I didn’t have), so I’m guessing the target audience is teenagers, but adults may like it if they still like cartoons and/or like bunnies.  I do like cartoons and I do like bunnies and while they may have been CGI (a modern technique I really can’t stand) and obviously so, I actually forgave it because it wasn’t distracting to the content.  The first two episodes were great while it starts to lose steam by the third, but it was all still thoroughly entertaining.  1/1/2019

The Wave                                                                    OK/G

Not bad natural disaster flick from Norway.  Rockslides apparently are a very real threat to parts of Norway and here one causes a massive tidal wave after crumbling into a fjord.  There’s a considerable sense of dread before the serene Nordic village is pummeled by the titular wave.  The wave effects are spectacular and last for maybe five minutes of screen time; this is essentially a before-and-after disaster movie.  Following the devastation, one family searches for one another amongst the destructed seaside town.  Far from great but boatloads better than any SyFy “disaster movie of the week.”  6/22/2016

Wednesday (Season One)                                            G

Welcome back, Tim Burton!  He was the executive producer of this Netflix series and directed the first four of the eight episodes (each around the 50-minute mark, give or take).  He needed a comeback after the awful Dumbo remake (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/04/dumbo.html).  This follows the titular daughter of the Addams Family (made famous in the original TV series that ran from 1964 to 1966) as she’s forced to attend a boarding school called Nevermore Academy (where her parents met) after an incident involving piranhas at her other school.  This new school contains “outcasts” consisting of werewolves, vampires, gorgons, and sirens in a Vermont town called Jericho (filmed in Romania though) inhabited by “normies” outside the school grounds.  Sure, we’ve seen the theme of outsiders amongst “non-outsiders” before, especially in Tim Burton creations, but this ultimately takes more of a gothic Nancy Drew approach.  A monster has been attacking people at school and in town and our titular heroine tries to get to the bottom of it.  Jenna Ortega is great as Wednesday, she nailing the stereotypical goth with a deadpan manner while desiring solitude and having a death fixation, but underneath that gloomy veneer lies a smidgen of a heart (no one is born an introvert, after all).  She will likely inspire a new generation of babybats and kindergoths, or at least provide a new image for the subculture.  Now, the series wasn’t excellent; namely I wasn’t particularly a fan of the few creature designs we did get to see (they weren’t horrible though) and I think the ending was a bit feeble, especially after all the build-up.  However, it generally has the signature Burtonesque touch and was engaging enough to make me want to continue (I would’ve finished anyway due to Burton’s name attached, but still), so the pros do outweigh the cons (there’s actually some substance to go with the style).  I think I would be okay with an ongoing series featuring Wednesday Addams figuring out a different mystery each time, as long as Tim stays involved, or the style remains intact.  Say what you will about this new series, but I would definitely call it a decent comeback for Mr. Burton.  11/28/2022

We Don’t Belong Here                                                EH

This is mostly a boring drama involving a rich family in New England.  Even when containing hints of dark subject matter, as well as suggestions of interesting concepts like time travel and purgatory, it’s so wearisome thereby nullifying any chances of becoming better.  The time travel instances were inexplicable but I believe they were just part of at least one of the demented family’s psyche.  Allegedly this was Anton Yelchin’s final performance and it’s a shame this had to be his swam song, posthumous or not.  Green Room will always be his final performance to me!  3/12/2018

Weird City:  Season One                                             OK/G

(haiku review)

Six short eps.  YouTube.

Black Mirror-ish.  Not as dark.

Generally fun.  2/27/2019

Welcome Home                                                           EH/OK

A straight couple from New York books a home in the Italian countryside for a week in hopes of rekindling their relationship after one of them cheated.  I’m not entirely sure being isolated in a foreign country is the best move after a serious issue like that, but whatever.  I also don’t think it’s the best idea to have a creepy local guy drive you back to the place you’re staying whether you need a ride or not.  At least we’re shown right away that the couple is being filmed and that he’s the one viewing them through the hidden cameras.  That makes the filmmakers slightly aware that people have seen other movies before, but it still doesn’t make it any less of a generic thriller with an inevitable (and eventual) confrontation and an ending that’s way overdone by now.  12/30/2018

Welcome to Happiness                                                EH/OK

Is it possible to hate a movie and almost like it simultaneously?  Theoretically, I think it’s a great idea for a story.  Practically, it’s bland as they come and too whimsical for its own good.  Hypothetically and undeniably, we’d all like to change/erase something from our past.  If given the chance, I believe most would “butterfly effect” that shit.  Of course people in this movie are given the contrasting pep-talk about how altering something in the past could make things worse for you or someone else in the present.  You might not be the person you are today if you change that one thing.  You might not meet people you care about now if you change that one thing.  Blah, blah, blah.  Yes, people will always ask that big ‘what if?’ when dwelling on past mistakes or regrets and I think most would be curious to see how different their lives might’ve turned out.  Okay, besides being convinced how life might not have been better, why couldn’t we be provided with examples of people that did push the red button?  This movie is strictly ideas stacked onto more ideas with no elaboration.  I was unsatisfied by the conclusion and certainly didn’t wanna clap along with the characters.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a much better movie about altering that one moment from your past.  5/17/2017

Welcome to Willits                                                       G

This is certainly a different kind of alien film.  To say much else would give too much away.  In another context, the concept would be rather silly.  Actually, it is pretty fucking silly but gets quite serious and rather brutal at times.  I kinda hated it in the beginning and the film wasn’t entirely that great, but I feel like giving it credit for trying and somewhat succeeding.  The alien designs were actually pretty fucking rad too!  [Potential Spoiler] If this film were a PSA, it might inform you that heavy drug use may lead to seeing and doing some fucked up shit!  2/13/2018

Wendell & Wild                                                           OK/G

New stop-motion film available on Netflix directed by Henry Selick, the man behind other great stop-motion flicks like The Nightmare Before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach, and Coraline.  Key and Peele voice the titular demons from the underworld (Jordan Peele also produced and co-wrote the screenplay) that are brought to the land of the living after promising to do something for a girl names Kat.  Naturally things go awry for everyone at first.  Although it may be dark thematically, its tone is largely whimsical.  While I didn’t like it as much as the other Selick films mentioned, although it may be too soon to tell (I do feel this may age better), I enjoyed it enough.  Like the aforementioned films, it is very imaginative at times and stunning to look at.  [For those that care about representation, it seems like mostly everyone was featured, even an American Indian].  Perhaps I expected more from it the first time (I do feel it could’ve gone more places given the subject matter) and didn’t truly get to appreciate it yet.  I’ll definitely watch it again, eventually.  10/30/2022

Werewolves Within                                                      OK/G

The new werewolf film directed by Josh Ruben, who also starred in and directed Scare Me, a film I wasn’t too fond of---the concept may have been fine, but I don’t see why it couldn’t have been an audio tale if we just watched the characters tell stories without any of it being shown to us.  This film is based on a videogame (?) and is being described as a werewolf whodunit horror-comedy.  In it, a group of people in a small town band together at a local inn during a snowstorm after several attacks have occurred.  It’s pretty obvious right away who the ‘who’ is in the whodunit part (their rationale is somewhat clever though), and it’s definitely more of a comedy than horror film, some of the comedy being a bit too tongue-in-cheek for me.  I think it’s ultimately more of an ensemble film, with a body count, and the werewolf isn’t seen until the end, looking kind of like Teen Wolf (yes, the Michael J. Fox film), making me better appreciate the scenes where the werewolf is just implied.  At least it actually is a werewolf film though, because, for a bit, I thought it was going to go the same route as The Wolf of Snow Hollow and not technically be a lycanthrope feature (that Jim Cummings film isn’t bad though and you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/11/the-wolf-of-snow-hollow.html).  This review sure made it seem like I disliked this movie, which isn’t true, it did work as an ensemble film and there may have been a bit of fun to it, but it was still disappointing because good (or even great) werewolf movies are rare and I was really anticipating this would be one of them (I recently posted an entry for one of my other blogs containing a list of my favorite werewolf films and books here---https://tenbestlists82.blogspot.com/2021/06/ten-best-werewolf-moviesbooks.html).  Sure, it may be better with another viewing and after I read other opinions on it, even though I shouldn’t go by other opinions despite changing my thoughts in the past, but, as of now, I can’t say this is one of my favorite werewolf flicks.  7/3/2021

Western                                                                       B

This isn’t exactly a western, not in the American sense at least.  It takes place in Bulgaria where a group of German men are working near a town that looks stuck in the past according to some.  Allegedly there was a history of Germans in this town which occasionally causes some animosity amongst the townspeople and workers.  It could’ve also stemmed from a minor altercation between a German worker and a female Bulgarian.  This was one of those in which you kept thinking it was going to get good but never quite does.  It was two hours too!  It doesn’t even work as a character study, not effectively at least.  Waste of friggin’ time!  10/16/2018

We Summon the Darkness                                          OK/G

Three chicks go to a heavy metal concert in Indiana.  They meet up with three dudes they had an incident with on the way.  They all go to a party at one of their houses after the concert.  Given the title and that the film takes place in 1988 (a time when Satanic panic was prevalent), you know one trio are going to be the villains and the other the victims, and it isn’t hard to figure out which (if you’ve seen enough movies).  It’s actually a bit of a clever twist in regards to why they’re doing what they’re doing, making a specific group of people look bad, that not being a complaint, at least not from this viewer.  Naturally, things don’t go as planned and one mishap after another happens, blood being spilled at times.  It is predictable here and there (almost as if it actually was made in 1988), but I had enough fun with it to tell you (you mostly being fans of these types of films) to give it a look.  Just don’t expect a masterpiece, although it might’ve gained a bit of cult status had it actually been released in 1988 (I don’t know).  6/10/2020

What Lies Below                                                         OK/G

Mena Suvari.  That actress who will forever be known as the choir girl from American Pie and the horny be-yotch from American Beauty (at least to me, and likely others from my generation or before).  She hasn’t really aged and this is just one of two recent movies I’ve seen with her in it; the other one being Don’t Tell a Soul, which wasn’t bad, I just wasn’t too big a fan of the ending.  Here, she picks up her teenage daughter from camp and heads to their cabin in the woods by a lake.  There, we meet mom’s new boyfriend.  He may be really attractive, but something is clearly not right about him; licking menstrual blood on a raft and sniffing the teen daughter’s clothes while she’s in the shower are just the beginning.  While I may have made it sound like a Lifetime “movie of the week” type film, it gradually becomes an entirely different film, one more fitting for the SyFy Channel.  It certainly has atmosphere and intrigues for a good deal, but I didn’t feel entirely satisfied when it was over and felt slightly confused (even after reading “spoilers” online; they all felt the same way I did).  I also felt that perhaps there may have been some things I didn’t pick up on the first time.  I don’t know.  Currently available on Netflix.  4/8/2021

What We Become                                                        EH

Danish zombie movie.  They look more like vampires but can’t be since they’re mesmerized by light.  It’s well made but not much different than many other undead tales.  It’s boring too.  11/6/2016

What We Do in the Shadows:  Season One                 OK

I had no initial interest in checking out this spinoff series that originally aired on FX and is also available on Hulu (which I currently have a free month of), but gave in when I saw it was only 10 episodes all under a half hour.  I re-watched the movie in the midst of it, which apparently I gave a good rating for when I first saw it in 2015, and I did enjoy it the second time.  Horror-comedies have to be done right (of course that’s always subjective) and I’ve usually never been the biggest fan of ones that lean more towards the comedy.  In all fairness though, I don’t think the movie or this series was meant to be strictly horror, more comedy-dramas by way of mockumentary, simply containing traditional horror characters (vampires as the main characters and there’s also werewolves and zombies, at least in the movie for the latter).  While the movie does have its tongue-in-cheek moments, I think it simultaneously had more of a serious tone than this series that definitely felt more comedic.  While the characters in both the film and series are aware of being filmed by a crew, more attention was definitely brought to that aspect in the series.  Although I mentioned this was a spinoff series, that may not exactly be the best word since the characters here are different and the location moved from New Zealand to Staten Island, New York.  Whatever, you don’t really need to see the movie before watching this series based on the differences I mentioned, specifically the tonal changes.  This series was decent, a bit of fun generally, occasionally bloody (like the film), and none of the short episodes really felt like they overstayed their welcome, but I, personally, liked the movie better.  Season 2 premieres next month (maybe I’ll watch, eventually).  3/7/2020

When the Bough Breaks                                              OK

…The (hand that rocks the) cradle will fall and down will come anymore domestic thrillers from being made at all.  This one wasn’t too bad though.  It manages to tinker with many of the typical tropes.  While it may be better than most recent Fatal Attraction and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle clones, it still reeks of domestic-thriller-TV-movie-of-the-week underneath it all.  I mean, come on, don’t these characters watch movies?  Don’t they know not to take someone they barely know into their home no matter how innocent they may appear without doing an extensive background check?  Apparently it can be done as another character proves when things predictably get sketchy.  Most of all, don’t people in movies know to make sure the villain is really dead before leaving?  Apparently not if characters nowadays still make the same mistakes and the same movies are being made.  1/1/2017

Where Is Kyra?                                                           EH/OK

Michelle Pfeiffer plays an unemployed, hard up individual that dresses up as her recently deceased mother in order to receive pension checks after accidentally providing incorrect information to receive other payments which could take weeks to repair.  She also tries selling some of her mother’s stuff while looking for work with no luck.  I really do understand her plight in these relatably tough economic times and I absolutely do feel for her character, but the movie didn’t have to be so boring.  Roseanne on the other hand, disregarding that controversial incident, also dealt very much with real life and the struggles of working class Americans but still managed to be entertaining.  7/15/2018

While She Was Out                                                      OK

I saw this on a list of Christmas horror movies (it’s more of a thriller) and it somehow bypassed me when it came out at the end of 2008.  Apparently it was in the theaters too!  Guillermo del Toro was an executive producer!  How did I not know of this?  Video stores may have been in their dying days then, but I still had several resources to know what movies (big or unknown) came out each week (theatrical or home release).  It’s one of those movies that could take place any time of the year but is technically a holiday film since it takes place around Christmas (Christmas Eve specifically), much like Die Hard.  Anyway, She is a suburban mom played by Kim Basinger (again, how did I not hear about this?) making a trip to the mall for wrapping paper and causes a heap of trouble after putting an assertive note on a car taking up two parking spaces.  (Seriously though, that is really annoying when people do that shit, especially when there’s limited parking as it is!).  A group of four men (one black, one white, one Asian, one Latin---“The Equal Opportunity Gang”) own the car and don’t take too kindly to the note.  A chase begins at a nearby construction site and its surrounding woods after an accident in the parking lot and the boys are gradually eliminated one by one by “suburban Mom.”  The film is average at best, barely even that, but I’m still surprised I don’t remember hearing about it until recently.  12/20/2018

The Whistler                                                                G

(haiku review)

Eleven minutes.

Atmospheric fairy tale.

Wish it was longer.  2/8/2020

The Whole Truth                                                         OK

Strictly a by-the-numbers courtroom drama where the whole truth is basically non-existent.  If you already think lawyers are full of shit, this movie won’t change your opinion.  It’s the second feature from Courtney Hunt whose debut was the very good Frozen River.  Sorry Courtney, but placing more than one A-lister (Keanu Reeves, Renee Zellweger, Jim Belushi) into a hackneyed story doesn’t make it worth watching.  Using mostly no-names in an original story seemed to work for you though.  4/12/2017

Whose Streets?                                                            G

Documentary detailing the origins of Black Lives Matter following the shooting deaths of unarmed black men by police officers, particularly the incident in Ferguson, Missouri.  Whether you stand with Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, or even No Lives Matter, you can’t deny this is very relevant and one for the history books.  I’m willing to hear any and all viewpoints whether I agree or not and that’s what makes us human, human rights being the focal point of this doc.  Some material gets repetitive and isn’t much different than what’s been presented before, but the film is generally potent.  12/9/2017

The Willies                                                                   OK/G

I’m surprised I never heard of this anthology film from 1990 until I read a list online about the best family friendly horror movies.  I love anthology films (mainly horror) but they can range from really good to really bad.  This one falls somewhere in the middle.  It’s directed by Brian Peck, who played one of the punks in The Return of the Living Dead.  I recognized at least two faces from the first two Return films.  There’re actually a couple faces throughout whom you’ll recognize if familiar with films and TV from the late ‘80’s and early ‘90’s.  Sean Astin’s one of them and there’s even a blunt reference to The Goonies making me wonder if the character was a crossover.  He stars in the wraparound segment telling scary stories (making up the segments) with his two younger cousins in a tent outside.  It gets off to a rather lame start with three short tales involving dated myths (sorry, I’m just seeing this now and they don’t stand the test of time) before the two lengthier vignettes.  The first long segment is a Tales from the Crypt-like story with a passable practical creature and the oft-told lesson about rotten people getting their due comeuppance.  The second long segment involves a loner kid (you’ll recognize him) with an unhealthy fly obsession also getting his comeuppance.  The outcome is predictable from the get-go but shocking what happens as a result of it.  This anthology film is corny, predictable, atrociously acted, low-budget, and oddly enough, that’s what I enjoyed about it.  Other than some implied gore, I think it rightfully earned a spot on that family friendly horror list.  The good ol’ days before CGI.  12/2/2017

The Willoughbys                                                          EH/OK

New animated film available on Netflix that reminded me of North, but whereas that film involved a child leaving his neglectful, unloving parents to find new ones, this one involved four kids sending their neglectful, unloving parents away to become orphans.  I think I might’ve liked it better had it been more like the Elijah Wood film; at least it might’ve been more fun.  This film may have had cute moments (most animated films probably do though), but it’s sappy over cute and I couldn’t wait for it to be over, making it ultimately forgettable.  I had no idea beforehand that it was based on a book by Lois Lowry (I’m a fan of The Giver, the book much more than the movie).  I wonder if the book is better…4/29/2020

Willy’s Wonderland                                                     OK/G

I was in when I heard it involved Nicolas Cage battling killer robots.  Well, I haven’t really cared about Nic since the Nineties, so the killer robots are what had me.  They are animatronic machines at the titular location in a backwoods town (one character referred to it that way, more specifically a backwoods inbred town), it being a place much like Chuck E. Cheese wherein birthday parties were held and there were games to play (I’m using past tense because the place has been closed to the public for a while and you’ll find out why).  Nic, who doesn’t speak once in the film, is tasked with cleaning the place overnight in exchange for his car being repaired since he didn’t have any cash on hand and this “backwoods” town conveniently doesn’t accept credit cards (nor has a working ATM).  I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what eventually happens since you know killer robots are involved.  Some local teens provide some fodder since Nic Cage’s character is obviously the protagonist and killing him off would mean the end of the movie.  It has a bit of an Eighties vibe (it doesn’t take place then since one character uses a cell phone), contains a good backstory (maybe not altogether fresh, but generally welcome in the horror world), and there’s an overall air of fun about it, but it is silly sometimes (yes, even for this concept) and the action occasionally happens a bit too swiftly.  Oh, and, sorry, but another horror movie already used “Free Bird” at the end of it in a much more effective way.  The pros ultimately outweighed the cons for me though and I may watch it again, just not anytime soon.  It may be a bit too early to determine if it will achieve cult status, but time (and fans, of course) is always what makes that decision anyhow.  4/15/2021

Winchester                                                                   EH

Could they have possibly used more jump scares?  I only counted two that actually “spooked” me but they failed to linger afterwards or even later that night.  I would say this is a great idea for a haunted house story but it’s based on a real house in California where construction never ceased in building extra rooms for the spirits of victims killed by Winchester rifles.  It’s a shame the idea was used in a rather bland movie with a super corny (and cliché) ending that only got interesting for about five to ten minutes between the middle and end.  The Spierig Brothers (Undead, Daybreakers) released two clunkers recently (this and Jigsaw) so I hope they choose their next endeavor wisely.  There’s a six-issue comic book series about the Winchester house called House of Penance that’s a tad bizarre but bloody and features amazing artwork.  I suggest you check up on that instead as it was infinitely better than this movie.  If it’s unavailable at your local library (and I assume it will be), it’s available as a trade paperback likely cheaper than the individual issues.  If I think you’re trustworthy, I’ll let you borrow my copies.  2/12/2018

The Windmill                                                               EH/OK

A tour bus of “sinners” is taken to the Dutch countryside where they each fall victim to a scythe-wielding killer resembling an uglier unmasked Jason Voorhees.  The tourists see their wrongs deserving of eternal damnation before getting sliced and seemingly dragged to the netherworld via windmill.  The windmill is a gateway to Hell.  What an awesome idea.  We never see this underworld though.  Some of the kills are rather gory, but the plot’s as conventional as they come.  4/23/2017

Wind River                                                                  OK

Generic thriller at best.  It’s a shame too considering a good portion of the cast consists of Native Americans (actually played by them), whom are the most underrepresented demographic in pictures.  There’s a rather haunting statement at the end pertaining to Native American women.  Regardless of who’s playing these parts, this film doesn’t differentiate from much else I’ve seen.  Its effective build-up leads to a rather uninspired conclusion.  Don’t see it in the theater, wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray/OnDemand release.  8/17/2017

Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey                          OK

Fairy tales/children’s stories can sometimes arguably be labeled horror stories; gateway horror, if you will.  Sometimes they’re made into actual horror films.  I wasn’t much a fan of Gretel and Hansel (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/05/gretel-and-hansel.html), or a bunch of other (mostly) direct-to-video titles I don’t feel like listing and/or recalling.  There have been interesting takes like Pinocchio’s Revenge and 1995’s Rumpelstiltskin, and I am curious about The Mean One, as well as any other beloved childhood property becoming a horror feature (allegedly there are Peter Pan and Bambi ones coming).  This one features the titular honey-guzzling yellow bear and his sidekick, Piglet, reverting back to their animalistic ways after their human companion, Christopher Robin, fails to return to the 100 Acre Wood (thus being a plausible reason for their ensuing behavior).  We learn this through an animated sequence in the beginning.  It then becomes a backwoods slasher flick set (and shot) in the U.K., starting as what could’ve been a decent one---five girls go to a cabin in the woods being fair game for these creatures gone rogue, as well as any other unfortunate souls passing by, and what more could anyone really expect?  It does become a bit flimsy midway though.  And Piglet’s look definitely gets a failing grade; Pooh’s was…passable, I guess (we didn’t get to meet the other characters, although you learn one of their fates in that aforementioned animated sequence).  It only received a 3% rating out of 59 critics on Rotten Tomatoes (as of this writing); it definitely wasn’t that bad, even though I probably wouldn’t help raise that low rating myself.  The shots of the woods are superb and the setting is perfect (however typical for this subgenre), enabling me to give that aspect a passing grade.  There is violence too, no doubt, some of it worthy, which should please a decent number of horror hounds.  So, while far from perfect, it definitely has its moments, enough to prevent me from entirely dismissing it.  There is a sequel slated to be released next year (two other characters are supposed to make an appearance), the ending of this surely leaving room for one, and, while a follow-up may not be necessary, I am curious (much like I was with this one)…10/3/2023

Wish Dragon                                                               OK

(haiku review)

New film on Netflix.

It’s Aladdin in China.

Not as good but fine.  6/20/2021

Wish Upon                                                                  OK/G

Someone comes across an item (here, a Chinese music box possessed by a Chinese demon) that grants wishes but never heeds an age-old warning (Be careful what you wish for) and things turn out worse than before.  People in movies still don’t know to be specific when making their wishes?!  Yes, this all felt familiar but something about it made me want to keep watching.  There’s a slight Final Destination vibe and it’s surprisingly dark at times.  There’s no happy ending either, so points for that.  You know what you’re going to get before seeing a movie like Wish Upon.  It’s equivalent to bar food:  not going to be quality (as expected) but satisfies momentarily.  Lacks originality (as expected) but better than most supernatural teen thrillers released in a long while.  7/19/2017

Witchery                                                                      EH

A title like that starring Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff from the late ‘80’s involving some form of Hell?  Why the hell wasn’t this a better movie?  This is basically a poorly-shot, poorly-edited, slightly incoherent mess that probably looked really good on paper.  12/24/2016

The Witches                                                                 EH/OK

I recently re-read the book of the same name by Roald Dahl (one of my favorite authors) and re-watched the original 1990 movie upon seeing this remake’s release (currently available on HBO Max) which actually has the author’s name atop the title.  This time, Robert Zemeckis, helmer of films such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, all 3 Back to the Futures, Death Becomes Her, Forrest Gump, and What Lies Beneath, directed, produced, and co-wrote it with Guillermo del Toro (he also co-produced this), famous for giving us Hellboy, The Devil’s Backbone, Pan’s Labyrinth, and Crimson Peak.  The original film, directed by Nicolas Roeg and starring Anjelica Huston as the Grand High Witch (here, Anne Hathaway has the role), was largely faithful to the Roald Dahl story with just a few things altered.  This film is largely like the original film with some things altered here and there, the location moving from Europe (Norway and England) to the States (Alabama) and the main characters race changed (which is good for representation) being prominent ones.  The modern special effects here (meaning obvious CGI) don’t hold a candle to the practical ones used in the 1990 film, as is often the case.  I didn’t exactly hate this film, but it is an unnecessary remake, yes, and I expected better from the talent involved.  11/22/2020

Witches of Blackwood                                                 OK

This film comes from Australia and you’ll recognize the one chick from the continent’s Wolf Creek as the protagonist.  She plays a police officer that travels back to the small town (Blackwood maybe?) she grew up in and something is clearly not right about this place---there aren’t too many people and the majority of those that are around are women that look ghostly (witches maybe?).  I was really hoping I could add this to the list of good witch movies considering there aren’t too many of the horror variety (the original Suspiria is probably the best one, The Craft is decent, and so is The Autopsy of Jane Doe and The Lords of Salem; The Witch was just okay, definitely overrated; I don’t count movies that may feature witches either, like Sleepy Hollow).  It had the potential to be something good too (not just okay); I mean, there’s atmosphere and it’s well-shot, but it also had the feel of a direct-to-video B-movie at times (that’s not a compliment here).  I didn’t feel as if there was enough meat on its bones either, meaning style far outweighed its substance, and the ending was a bit too upbeat for a movie that generally felt downbeat.  It is barely 80-minutes and perhaps that’s why it felt like there wasn’t enough meat on it, but, then again, it felt longer than it actually was, so I don’t know.  Someone make a good witch horror movie I can rave about!  At least they went with the far better title considering an alternate one was The Unlit!  9/24/2021

The Witch Files                                                           OK/G

Much like the werewolf film, the witch film is a subgenre that’s underrepresented and doesn’t contain many worthy titles (at least in horror).  Sure, there are many films, horror or not, that contain witches but aren’t strictly focused on them.  The Wizard of Oz is ultimately a family fantasy simply containing them.  I have yet to see a witch film I can truly call a masterpiece.  The Witches may be good for nostalgia and for being based on a Roald Dahl novel, but I enjoyed it more in my younger years.  The Craft is fun and may have achieved a bit of cult status, but it’s definitely no masterpiece by a long shot.  Wicked Lake is a decent indie film that’s far from great and hasn’t achieved any kind of status (shocking considering Al Jourgensen from Ministry was involved).  The Witch was good but definitely overrated in my opinion.  If the comic book, Wytches, ever becomes a movie or series, I can see that having potential cult status since I was a big fan of the reading material.  Anyway, this movie involves a group of teen girls in Maine that dabble in witchcraft after meeting up with a goth girl recently returned to town.  This movie wasn’t bad.  Corny?  Sort of, in the Afterschool Special/TV movie variety which is never necessarily a bad thing.  It’s more enjoyable and more fitting as a teen movie featuring witches than as a witch movie involving teens.  It is a found footage movie of sorts since everything is filmed, but the format doesn’t distract the overall narrative.  I know there’s a great witch movie out there waiting to get made or seen by my eyes, but I can settle for passable ones like this in the meantime.  10/10/2018

The Witch in the Window                                            VG

This ‘Shudder Exclusive’ may well be the best haunted house movie I’ve seen in quite some time.  It isn’t particularly scary, although one or two parts may frighten the more sensitive viewers, and there’s no violence or special effects; it’s just a simple yet effective, poignant New England gothic thriller that doesn’t overstay its welcome at barely 77-minutes.  The father-son dynamics alone are equally compelling and charming (the progressive father doesn’t assume his son is straight at one time).  The witch of the title, which is actually a ghost, makes her presence known quite early too.  What she wants isn’t exactly new, but it works well enough here, making the ending a bit melancholic yet not pussified like many ghost stories tend to be.   Unlike The Haunting of Hill House adaptation on Netflix, this is a fine example proving that horror and drama can effectively co-exist (brevity being an additional plus).  5/27/2019

The Witching Season                                                   OK/G

Anthology series consisting of five episodes totaling roughly 82-minutes (the longest being 31 minutes, the shortest being 9) currently available on Tubi.  They all take place around Halloween and while it may be low-budget, it is shot professionally; I’m a fan of the intro too.  The first segment, “Killer on the Loose,” is a slasher short containing a twist that didn’t feel too original, but I didn’t expect it here.  Also, the original Night of the Living Dead is playing like it always seems to in movies, particularly horror (I should seriously start making a list of films that play the George A. Romero classic).  “Princess” involves a stuffed bunny that isn’t as innocuous as it appears.  While they did a decent job with camera angles and whatnot, and kudos to keeping it practical, the puppetry could’ve been done better.  And it isn’t quite over by the end, making me wish this episode could’ve been expanded upon.  The shortest segment, “Not Alone,” is also the weakest, being rather predictable, involving aliens (I assume).  I didn’t hate it though and it is only 9-minutes.  The longest one, “They Live Inside Us,” was the best and could definitely work as a feature film (ironically it was just made into one which is how I found out about this series after seeing it advertised), it being an anthology series of sorts alone, involving a writer devising scripts with different horror movie monsters in a house wherein a murder/suicide allegedly occurred.  I am curious as to how they fleshed it out into a 103-minute film.  Lastly, there’s “Is That You?” which contains a dark nursery rhyme in the beginning that eventually comes true for an unfortunate mother and daughter on Halloween night.  It definitely could’ve benefitted from being longer, as they all could’ve (one, it already happened for, as I mentioned), at least as longer episodes, not necessarily feature-length films.  These creators clearly have ambition and could definitely make something worthy with just a little bit more funding.  I’m giving this a slight recommendation being it won’t take up too much of your time as a whole, and that it’s perfect viewing during this (witching) season.  10/24/2020

Within                                                                          OK

This had a decent set-up.  I sometimes feel like someone is watching from behind and will disappear when I turn around.  It begins as a semi-creepy haunted house film but the midway revelation is a bit of a letdown.  I actually liked the characters though and it doesn’t end on a positive note---points!  Just decent.  11/3/2016

Wolf Creek:  Season One                                            G

Six-episode series, totaling roughly 5 hours with the longest one being an hour, based off the film of the same name that’s claimed to be a ‘Shudder Exclusive,’ but you can also get it On Demand via Lionsgate for $2.99 an episode.  If you really want to watch it though, I suggest you try Shudder free for a week or month depending on which promo you get (Rue Morgue gave me a code for a free month, thank you!).  I would imagine fans of Wolf Creek and maybe Wolf Creek 2 as well (I enjoyed the first one, the second one was decent) will be the only ones to care checking this out, even though you don’t necessarily have to watch those first.  I don’t recall any direct references to either film, but the same wisecracking serial killer Mick Taylor (played by John Jarratt again) is back.  In the first episode, he murders an American teenage girl’s entire family while vacationing at a billabong (an Australian lake) and she manages to escape, thus vowing revenge even if that means traveling all across Australia (which she largely does).  She comes across other troubles during her trek and kudos to the creators for that since a 6-episode spinoff would’ve been rather lame had it solely consisted of a cat-and-mouse plot with the occasional, and likely formulaic, murder by Mr. Taylor.  The episodes generally go by pretty fast and I grew quite fond of the main characters, namely the teenage girl and a police officer sort of on her trail from the get-go.  Greg McLean, the writer and director of both Wolf Creek and Wolf Creek 2, only returns here as the director of the final episode, ironically titled “Wolf Creek,” where we get a bit of a backstory on Mick Taylor that doesn’t necessarily ruin anything we’ve seen already (every serial killer, fictional or not, does have one after all).  Since I knew a season two was already made (currently not available on Shudder or Demand apparently), I had a feeling Mick wouldn’t be defeated, much like his indestructible American counterparts (Jason, Michael), but why can’t movie/TV characters (especially in this day and age) ever make sure the person is actually dead before leaving their body?  Anyway, this spinoff series may have been unnecessary and predictable at times, but I still enjoyed it, as should anyone that was even just a casual fan of the first film (I, myself, didn’t love the first Wolf Creek, but I liked it).  5/16/2019

Wolf Creek:  Season Two                                            EH

As proven numerous times, you can keep making movies/TV shows forever and ever any time there’s a seemingly invincible villain.  I thought to myself, how can they effectively make another 6-episode season based off a simple horror movie from 2005 that was good, not great, with a sequel that was decent, but not as good, following a previous 6-episode season for a TV series that was just decent enough?  [You can read my review for the first season in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].  Well, unfortunately, it wasn’t able to effectively sustain itself for an entire season this time (the six-episodes range from 44 to 60-minutes, totaling 5 hours and 13 minutes; clearly I have no life).  You don’t necessarily need to have seen the two films or the previous season to watch this, but, like always, I don’t know why you would want this second season to be your introduction to the franchise.  It would help to know a bit about the general framework, but all you really need to know is that it takes place in Australia and there’s a redneck serial killer named Mick Taylor (played by John Jarratt) consistently looking for victims and never manages to get caught, or die.  This time, his targets are a group of tourists traveling the “land down under” by bus.  I actually liked the first episode the best when we’re introduced to all the characters knowing they’re all potential victims of Mick.  After that, it drags with the occasional (and expected) kill, often predictable, hence unable to sustain itself for an entire season (like I said).  For a bit, part of me wanted to keep watching regardless of how much it dragged at times, but, eventually, I felt like I was forcing myself to finish and that’s never a good sign.  There are talks of a third season, even though this season ended in 2017, but I personally think Mick Taylor had enough time on the screen (big or small).  8/10/2020

The Wolf of Snow Hollow                                           OK/G

[POTENTIAL SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]

Werewolves are a significant part of the horror genre, but there don’t seem to be enough movies featuring them; enough good ones is what I should probably say, because there’re probably a whole bunch of them I haven’t seen nor know about.  Some of the good ones that come to mind are An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, Ginger Snaps (plus its sequel and prequel), Dog Soldiers, Silver Bullet, and I’ll even mention Wes Craven’s Cursed for being so-bad-it’s-fun.  [The Sticks by Andy Deane, singer of Bella Morte, is a good werewolf book for those that may care; I think it would make a good adaptation].  This film involves a small town in Utah (Snow Hollow maybe?) dealing with several deaths purportedly caused by a werewolf.  The werewolf is practical, really a man in a suit, but that beats CGI any day for this critic/horror fan.  The humor throughout may not always work, but it never feels out of place either, this very much being a horror-comedy wherein neither genre cancels the other out.  There is a twist at the end, I kind of gave it away already, making it a different movie than initially thought, but not in a way to completely ruin what came before.  I doubt this will become a classic (I could be wrong though), but it’s decent for the time being; not too long either.  11/20/2020

The Wolf of Waubamik Woods                                    EH

Short film from the Great White North containing an indigenous woman being picked up by a shady white guy.  Ironically, his last name is White.  It would be funny if her last name was Red.  It all leads to a predictable ending.  Moral of the story:  Don’t accept rides from people.  Drivers are warned about picking up hitchhikers, so the same should apply vice versa.  Well, it is only 14 minutes and I’m sure you’ve all wasted more time browsing the candy aisle in Wawa (or your geographical convenience store).  Available through Streampix On Demand.  4/27/2017

Wolfwalkers                                                                 OK/G

(haiku review)

Crisp animation.

It’s hand-drawn distinctively.

Stale-ish story though.  1/8/2021

 *[Irish film available on Apple+]*

The Woman in the House Across the Street from

            the Girl in the Window                                    OK/G

That lengthy title sounds as spoofy as it gets, much like Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood or 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  This new 8-episode Netflix series isn’t a parody though; it plays like many of its ilk, that being of the Lifetime-ish murder mystery variety.  I wouldn’t even call it a meta film, like Scream and The Cabin in the Woods, although it does play around with many of its subgenre tropes.  Stop me if you’ve heard this---a suburban woman witnesses a murder across the street (!) and of course no one believes her, because, one, no body was found, and, two, this woman takes medication and regularly fills up her wine class to the brim (she’s obviously delusional!).  There are a couple red herrings along the way, which tie in with those common tropes toyed around with.  I did figure out the big reveal at the end, and that’s only because I’ve seen too many movies in my lifetime (!) and it’s often hard not to foresee several outcomes, but it actually kind of works here.  Although this miniseries (I’m not sure if there’s more planned, but there very well could be) may appear to be not much different than many of the films the title seems to call out, it is kind of smart in regards to working with clichés and is somewhat addicting.  It is what it is.  Don’t go in expecting too much, but how can you with a title like that anyhow?  All 8 episodes are under a half-hour and go by really fast, except for maybe the first one (it somehow seemed longer than it was).  I definitely enjoyed it more than another Netflix property containing words from this title, The Woman in the Window, which you can read my review for here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/05/the-woman-in-windowthe-strange-house.html.  1/29/2022

The Woman in the Window                                         EH

I didn’t realize this new Netflix movie based on a book of the same name was another remake of Rear Window.  There’s even a brief clip of the original Hitchcock film on a TV in the beginning (how’s that for subtlety?).  In it, an agoraphobic woman (played by Amy Adams) witnesses a murder across the street from her New York apartment.  No one believes her because there’s no proof and of course she could just be delusional since she takes medication.  In these films, she could either actually be delusional or is actually correct and isn’t believed until there’s actual proof.  After about midway, a “twist” is revealed in regards to her agoraphobia which is nothing new at all.  Since the movie wasn’t over yet, another “twist” was eventually revealed that wasn’t surprising in the least and didn’t make the movie any better.  In fact, the “twists” made the movie a whole lot worse since it started out with decent performances and a bit of a mystery that I was hoping wouldn’t end in clichés.  I know it’s hard to be original anymore, but this Hitchcockian psychological thriller just isn’t worth watching.  5/14/2021

Wonder                                                                        G

Kids can be so mean.  As long as there’s an education system, bullying will never cease to exist, especially towards those deemed “different.”  The victim in this case is a fifth grader named Auggie (August by birth) with a facial deformity that starts school after previously being homeschooled.  I’ve seen much worse deformed faces, but it doesn’t stop other kids from staring, backing away, or calling him harsh names.  Anyone that’s never been ridiculed would ever understand what people like Auggie encounter and this film is very aware of sentimental clichés presented many times before.  I liked how more than one POV was displayed, most revolving around Auggie or their own insecurities, proving you never truly know how people feel and what they themselves might be going through.  That’s not to say there’s no typical Hollywood sap pretty much expected for these feel-good movies and there is, specifically when the ‘underdog’ is lauded by film’s end, but not even my slightly cold-heart could deny this film didn’t touch me at all.  2/14/2018

The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar                          EH

I love Roald Dahl.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorite books.  I own a lot of his works, the collection featuring the story this short film is based on (The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More) being one.  I did read the story years ago with zero recollection of any of it, so I went into this with zero knowledge.  It comes from Wes Anderson, a filmmaker I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of; my favorite film of his is probably Fantastic Mr. Fox (another one based on a Dahl story); I recently saw Bottle Rocket for the first time and wasn’t a fan; I also wasn’t a fan of The Life Aquatic, The French Dispatch, and Asteroid City, the latter also released this year, definitely being the worst I’ve seen this year and one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen!  Of the others, I remember Isle of Dogs being decent (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/07/mooby-reviews-72518.html).  So yeah, I can’t say I’m the biggest Wes Anderson fan.  I don’t think I can give him any points for this Netflix film either; luckily it was barely even 40-minutes.  After watching this I should’ve just read the story again instead since this basically felt like having it read to us, word for word, by the performers.  They break the fourth wall in front of sets fitting a stage play (they do look nice though; Wes Anderson does have style, if anything) describing everything we are about to see, or are simultaneously viewing, and, while the format may appear to be experimental, I found my mind wandering a couple times because of it (The Swan, another story from the same collection, was also recently adapted by Anderson for Netflix utilizing the same format; run-time is even less, but it still didn’t work for me).  I don’t see why the same story couldn’t have been presented in a narrative form with the action unfolding sans any fourth-wall breaking.  I think it would’ve made a better movie, but we’ll never know that unless someone else adapts it.  9/28/2023

Wonder Wheel                                                             EH

If you’ve seen one Woody Allen movie, you’ve pretty much seen them all.  Of course there’s always going to be a standout or below average entry, and this ‘soap opera’ set in Coney Island during the 1950’s falls into the latter.  I kind of had low-hopes from the beginning when Justin Timberlake breaks the fourth wall.  His performance overall was almost as bad as his dreadful Super Bowl appearance.  A man’s (Jim Belushi) daughter (Juno Temple) arrives in Coney Island seeking shelter from her husband’s mob partners.  You think they’re not going to eventually show up?  The man’s wife (Kate Winslet) is obviously unhappy in her marriage and having an affair with the lifeguard (Justin Timberlake).  The daughter develops a crush on the lifeguard and vice versa, but obviously no one can know about the lifeguard and wife.  You think there’s not going to be any complications?  You think it’ll end badly for most?  Frankly, I didn’t give a damn and neither should any of you.  3/15/2018

Wonder Woman                                                          OK/G

Yet another film presented as feminist propaganda.  Whatever.  We all feel other groups may have it better than us.  According to society, being a cisgendered, gay white male means I’m “oppressed” on the inside (making me an invisible minority) yet “privileged” on the outside.  Let it be known that I’ve never felt privileged (in the general sense) but felt oppressed many times in life.  I’m only one example though so fuck my opinion right?  Whatever, I’ll let people have their movements since they make them feel better and might propel change for the greater good.  Basically, we all think life sucks.  Anyway, this movie wasn’t too bad actually.  It still suffers from over-the-top action sequences and sluggish parts throughout, but I had some fun with it though and the actress (Gal Gadot) playing Wonder Woman was very good.  And at least this character was based on an original concept.  Remakes are unnecessary to begin with and absolutely don’t need to be “feminized” like the unworthy Ghostbusters redo.  There are many original ways to promote female empowerment and Wonder Woman is a better example.  I did like this more than many recent superhero movies (all involving male characters) but still wouldn’t say I’m an enthusiast.  I think I’m just not particularly fond of superhero films in general (even though I still watch them and do like some), especially modern ones.  So instead of labeling me a misogynist (since I was born with a penis) for not praising this film, just accuse me of not being a superhero fan.  9/28/2017

Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched:  A History

            Of Folk Horror                                               OK

(haiku review)

Doc on folk horror.

Thorough and informative.

A bit lengthy though.  1/10/2022

The Woods:  Season One                                            G

Harlan Coben’s name seems to be synonymous with Netflix lately.  I’ve never read a single one of his novels, but this is the third adapted series of his, available on Netflix, that I’ve seen; the other two being Safe and The Stranger (I didn’t review The Stranger, just rated it, but you can check out my review for Safe in the archives at www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).  This mystery series takes place in Poland (yes, that means subtitles if you don’t speak Polish, but, like always, you can adjust the audio and subtitles however you please before each episode) during 2019 with flashbacks to 1994 at a summer camp where four teens disappeared and only two dead bodies were found.  A prosecutor that was a teen attending that camp in 1994 has always wondered what happened to his sister (one of those that disappeared and wasn’t found) and tries getting to the bottom of it after the other missing person resurfaces.  Although I thought it could’ve been even a bit shorter, it is very bingeable at only 6 episodes, ranging from 47 to 55 minutes each that go by fairly quick, and you can rest assured that there are no loose ends.  I wasn’t disappointed.  6/15/2020

Woodshock                                                                  B

What the fuck was the point of this movie?  Is it a bunch of paintings put together as a moving picture?  Was it meant to be viewed while high?  It involves drugs, trees (both in the woods and at a logging company), and a face bashing with an iron.  Kirsten Dunst, we know you can act so pick better material.  The film was directed by two sisters.  I’m all for supporting female directors considering they do actually make up the minority in the profession, but that doesn’t mean they can get away with making awful movies.  This film was an utter waste of time.  11/26/2017

World Ends at Camp Z                                               EH

Talk about a movie completely ruined by awful effects!  What begins as a decent semi-glossy independent film about a group of people looking to buy a campground instantly becomes a Z-movie once the zombies show up (F.Y.I., the ‘Z’ in Z-movie doesn’t stand for zombies!).  Not only are the creature effects extremely subpar, but the scenes involving them are so poorly staged.  I may be a horrorhound, but I would’ve actually preferred the characters simply hanging out on the campground and the Indigenous character occasionally telling stories other than the typical Wendigo one.  Or the zombies could’ve looked better and the scenes involving them executed better.  Bottom line, this movie could’ve been so much better.  7/7/2022

Wounds                                                                       OK/G

Having recently read the short story, “The Visible Filth,” in Nathan Ballingrud’s collection, Wounds:  Six Stories from the Border of Hell, I wanted to watch this film based off of it.  I was interested in checking out that collection upon reading a review for it Rue Morgue Magazine (putting it on my ‘to-read’ list) and even more so after seeing it voted one of the best books of 2019 in said magazine (finally enabling me to check it out).  “The Visible Filth” happened to be my favorite story (out of 6) in Wounds and this adaptation is pretty much 100% faithful to it.  Back in the day, I likely would’ve praised it for being so faithful, but now it makes me question what the point would be to watch a film adaptation in which you know what’s coming (vice versa for those that read after watching).  Now, did I like it, the movie and/or book (just because I said it was my favorite story in the collection doesn’t mean I liked it)?  Well, since the film was largely faithful to the story, I pretty much felt the same way about both.  I did like them, for the most part, but still felt both were missing more to the story.  As for what I should tell anyone reading this?  If you are more of a reader, read the story in the aforementioned collection.  If you are more of a watcher, watch this movie.  If you like to do both like me, I would suggest reading the story first to avoid having the film’s visuals in mind (especially since they’re both identical), but do what you see fit.  Regardless of which source you do decide to go with though, don’t expect any easy answers regarding the twisted (as fuck) ending.  2/17/2020

The Wrath of Becky                                                     OK

This takes place two years after Becky and is more or less the same movie (you can read my review for the predecessor here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/07/becky.html).  I watched Becky at least two more times after I penned that review.  I still don’t love it, but did enjoy it more the subsequent times, it being a lightly diverting revenge thriller with worthy violence.  Whereas the titular character battled neo-Nazi prison escapees the first round, this time she (played by Lulu Wilson again) takes revenge on a group that are part of an organization labeled Noble Men (akin to groups arguably synonymous with neo-Nazis) whom killed someone she grew close to and kidnapped her dog.  I wouldn’t say this was an unnecessary sequel, the performances are top-notch and the violence is passable (despite feeling insufficient), but it ultimately seemed nothing more than merely standard.  The end definitely alludes to another one (there are talks as of now), we still haven’t been told what the sought-after key from the first film is needed for, but I hope they don’t make this an endless franchise wherein Becky pretty much does the same thing in each movie (á la John Wick-type flicks).  I can deal with at least one more entry though…9/23/2023

Wreck (Season One)                                                    EH/OK

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]

British TV series released last year containing six episodes ranging between 40 and 50-minutes each.  It takes place on a cruise ship and begins as a decent slasher, or what seemed could’ve been a decent slasher, even though the killer was dressed in a benign duck costume.  Most of the characters appeared to be likable too.  Slasher films don’t need to be more than 90-minutes, if that, let alone a roughly 5-hour series.  The reveal, however, which wasn’t until the end of the fifth episode(!), made it more akin to something like Hostel; not exactly like it, but it reminded me of it.  Much of what occurred between the first and last episode seemed like filler, often times being a slog to get through, feeling like I forced myself to continue (never a good sign); I finished because it was only six episodes and I read about it in a horror magazine (which is how I heard of this in the first place).  Perhaps if they condensed this into a feature film comprising of the first and last two episodes with a rewrite, it might’ve been better, or at least okay.  The parts of this that did work were merely just okay anyway (not much was done once the big reveal came and nothing felt too original when all was said and done; there were at least two worthy deaths though, one involving a chainsaw).  I read that there was a second season planned to be released this year, but I honestly don’t think I want to do another round.  9/17/2023

The Wretched                                                              EH/OK

There aren’t too many witch films of the horror variety and I’m still waiting for one that I can claim to be great, aside from Suspiria (the original, not the awful remake) which was made over 40 years ago!  Sure, there’ve been good ones like The Craft, The Witch, and The Autopsy of Jane Doe (I probably spoiled that film if you haven’t seen it, but it’s still worth checking out), but none were what I’d call great.  Sadly, I can’t even add this film to the list of good witch films (in the horror genre), and it’s a shame too, because the film looks good, the characters were passable, and it explores a type of witch we haven’t really seen much of before (the mythological/body-swapping variety).  My main problem with the film was the creature effects (like always, crappy designs can really make or break a picture).  I also thought the film was very derivative of better films, particularly from the Eighties, Fright Night and The ‘Burbs being ones that came to mind.  It’s also never a good sign when you no longer care about a movie long before it’s over.  Perhaps if this had better creature effects and a couple script adjustments, it would’ve been less (ahem) wretched.  8/21/2020

A Wrinkle in Time                                                       B

I read the book by Madeleine L’Engle in 6^th grade (I’m going to be 36 soon) and don’t remember a damn thing, not even if I liked it or not.  I don’t recall seeing any other visual adaptations, but I can tell you that this movie was AWFUL!!!  It’s a corny live-action Disney movie worse than most Disney Channel TV movies that are often intended to be corny.  The film is all over the place, looks overblown, the acting is terrible (yes, even Oprah), and the overall message is that love conquers all.  Blah, blah, blah.  I wanted to turn it off after around 20 minutes (it was almost 2 hours).  I really wish my OCD didn’t stop me from ending movies before they’re finished.  I really can’t describe too well why I hated it so much (other than what I mentioned above).  I would tell you to see for yourself which I don’t recommend, so you just have to take my word for it (as well as 150 out of 250 critics on Rotten Tomatoes).  I hated almost every inch of this movie.  8/15/2018

Wrong Turn                                                                 G

Is this Wrong Turn 7?  Technically, if you go by release dates.  It’s being marketed as a reboot with The Foundation as an alternate subtitle.  If you’ve seen the previous six Wrong Turn movies, which I would assume you have if you made it this far, you pretty much know what to expect, right?  A group of people go into the West Virginia woods (here, it apparently takes place in Virginia) and some of them die at the hands of disfigured inbred hillbillies.  Like any slasher/body count movie, I assume one watches these films for the kills and characters, emphasis on the kills.  This film starts out somewhat how you would expect before taking a (ahem) turn in a completely different direction.  Forget this being labeled a reboot, this is almost a complete re-imagining!  You don’t even need to see the other six films to watch this one.  In fact, the slightly more sophisticated viewer would probably prefer this film over the other entries which they likely refer to as “uninspired.”  They probably could’ve gotten away with simply titling this The Foundation instead of associating it with the franchise.  It kind of had a bit more in common, at least thematically, with a certain M. Night Shyamalan film.  There is violence though for those that may be expecting it.  I’m going to recommend it for being different than envisioned and actually working for the most part (it is a bit lengthy though at almost 2 hours!), even though I may have also been a fan of the other “uninspired” entries.  Well, I liked the first one despite its predictability, and the first two sequels weren’t bad; parts 4, 5, and 6 were…whatever; I didn’t detest any of them.  Just keep your expectations low with this one, as I’d imagine you would, and you as well might end up liking it better than you thought.  It’s still no masterpiece, no, and, yes, I know, opinions are always subjective.  2/23/2021

Wu-Tang Clan:  Of Mics and Men                              OK/G

Four-episode miniseries available on Showtime featuring the 9 members (RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, ODB, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, and Masta Killa with Cappadonna being an extra member) from Staten Island collectively known as the Wu-Tang Clan.  Now, when Wu-Tang became big back in the Nineties, I hated them.  I hated most rap.  At the time, I wasn’t interested (for the most part) in anything but metal and punk.  Everyone else loved Wu-Tang though---the black kids, the white kids, the brown kids, even some metalheads and punks that swore they hated rap.  I seemed to see Wu-Wear everywhere I looked.  Fast forward a couple years though when I expanded my musical horizons, or admitted I liked other genres more like it, and Wu-Tang became one of my favorite rap groups (I like their first two albums, 36 Chambers and Wu-Tang Forever, but none of the releases after that stood out).  I would imagine you’d need some interest in the group (past or present) to invest your time in this documentary that’s roughly four hours total (each segment an hour give or take).  Like most biopics, it gives the artist(s) we generally only know as artists a human quality while chronicling their history from the beginning to the present.  The 9 are definitely a rags-to-riches story.  Like many others from low-income neighborhoods, they dealt with poverty, racism, and drug use/dealing growing up.  I was shocked to hear one member was penniless after getting out of jail despite all his prior success with the group and as a solo artist.  I was also surprised to hear one member say a specific job he had before forming Wu-Tang was one of the highlights of his life whether he was being facetious or not.  Another member you’ll find out is related to two other famous people.  So yeah, there are some informative tidbits contained within, but since it’s a total of four hours (it was actually a wise move to make them segments to take breaks in between), there are parts that drag and much of the information likely could’ve been researched on your own, even though visual media is an avenue for information as well.  I definitely wasn’t unsatisfied by the end, as any fan (past or present) shouldn’t be, and regardless of how you feel about the group overall, there’s no denying their legendary status in hip-hop history.  6/30/2019

X

X                                                                                  EH/OK

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre much?  Sure, it takes place in Texas (although filmed in New Zealand) in the Seventies, but it ultimately isn’t exactly like it, nor as good, as has been the case with many other “imitators.”  I was reminded of the legendary Tobe Hooper original at times, as well as his other Seventies feature, Eaten Alive (you’ll understand the comparison if you watch).  A group of people travel to the country to film a porno in a house owned by an older couple.  Eventually, the cast and crew members start dying.  I think it’s already been spoiled as to who the perpetrators are and their motives, but I won’t reveal anything in case you haven’t heard.  The concept is rather dopey, making me wonder if I was watching a parody/satire at times despite having a rather serious tone.  It was often predictable too (I know, what should I expect from a slasher film made today, even though it takes place in a bygone era?).  It was bloody though, I’ll give it that; the violence at times being its primary redeeming value (especially the first kill).  I expected better after all the press I’ve seen on it, and that Ti West, who definitely made a name for himself in the horror field, directed it (I was at least a fan of The Roost, The House of the Devil, The Innkeepers, and even Cabin Fever 2 despite its flaws, which Mr. West allegedly disowned due to all the post-production tinkering).  Who’s to say this won’t age better, it currently holding a 95% rating out of 195 critics on Rotten Tomatoes (I really feel like my own critic these days, despite it being a very subjective thing, needless to say, like always), but I just wasn’t impressed, making it the biggest disappointment of the year thus far.  5/26/2022

XX                                                                               OK/G

Four films directed by four women.  That’s how it was marketed.  I love me some anthology films so I viewed these without focusing on who made them.  I’m usually anti-feminist (not anti-woman) especially if they preach hypocritical rhetoric.  My buddy Jovanka Vuckovic (one of the directors and alumni of Rue Morgue and Revolver Magazines) once stated she wants to see more balance, not to remove white men altogether.  I stand behind that sentiment 100% as I’m all for equality as well.  In every regard though.  That means I want to see women (at least the ones bitching about equality and male chauvinism) do “real” hard work as well (construction, electrical work, sewage, etc.).  Don’t give me none of that shit that women shouldn’t be doing those jobs; if you have two functioning arms and two functioning legs and aren’t pregnant, you are very capable of doing anything men are expected to do.  It’s been proven women can be feminine in addition to doing traditionally masculine work.  I’ve witnessed it.  Those women are inspirational to me.  (North Country is a good example and a very good movie).  Anyway, this batch of vignettes is a mixed bag typical of the format.  Jovanka’s entry “The Box” was rather grim and I felt somewhat cheated by its open-endedness.  However, it was the best and most unforgettable.  “The Birthday Party” was pointless as I don’t see why the dead husband had to remain a secret regardless of the occasion.  “Don’t Fall” was a decent demonic possession creature feature that slightly reminded me of a Campfire Tales segment.  “Her Only Living Son” had a tinge of Rosemary’s Baby and was also open-ended, but I like my conclusion if that was the intention.  All of these were wrapped around by a bizarre, slightly ominous, ultra-surreal tale involving a walking dollhouse.  Good effort but not the best collection.  2/20/2017

Y

Yoga Hosers                                                                EH

Kevin Smith was one of my favorite directors at one time.  That was pre-Jersey Girl with the exception of Clerks II.  I think Hollywood warped his indie mentality.  Jersey Girl wasn’t too bad but it still wasn’t a signature Smith movie.  Zack and Miri was decent but *see previous comment*.  Cop Out was awful.  Red State was decent but Kevin clearly wasn’t ready to make a horror movie yet.  Tusk was pretty good.  I think this might be his worst yet.  The two Colleens (one played by Smith’s daughter, the other is Johnny Depp’s) who made an appearance in Tusk get their own movie here.  They battle Bratzis (miniature bratwurst Nazis filled with sauerkraut when stomped, sliced and eradicated in any possible way) in a Canadian convenience store.  The Bratzis are quite detestable and irritating.  I didn’t find them interesting one bit.  Everyone in this movie seems to be juvenile dunderheads.  The blatant “Canadian-speak” wears off quickly and got on my last nerve.  I doubt any Canadian ever speaks that way.  Funny how Kevin Smith’s first movie over 20 years ago was more mature and brilliant.  If this had been his first movie, he would’ve never had a filmmaking career.  I miss those days when he was a (fellow) Jersey independent filmmaker.  I never listened to any of his Smodcasts.  My poor time management doesn’t allow me to listen to any podcast as much as I would like to.  Perhaps fans of his Smodcasts are more tailored to this kind of movie?  I sure am not.  According to the end credits, the two Colleens will return in another movie helmed by Mr. Smith called Moose Jaws.  I sure hope it’s a lot better than this, eh?  12/7/2016

You:  Season 2                                                                        G

I’ll admit to enjoying season one of this series that initially aired on Lifetime before becoming available on Netflix which this season premiered on right away.  I never read any of the books by Caroline Kepnes, but my interest in checking out the first season happened as a result of reading about it in, I’m gonna say, Entertainment Weekly since that’s one of the only non-horror magazines I read regularly (and I don’t believe You would qualify enough to be covered in Rue Morgue or Fangoria, but feel free to prove me wrong).  Watching it on Lifetime as I’ve said, I had to wait every week to see an episode (like the old days).  It appeared to become more popular once it aired on Netflix and people could choose whether to binge it or not (which I imagine most Netflix viewers like to do, especially if engaged with a show).  I liked being able to binge this season as, like the first season, it was undeniably addictive in making me want to continue although there’s really nothing truly distinctive about it (like most entertainment these days).  The anti-hero (debatable description) serial killer from the first season, played by Penn Badgley, returns in a different location (California instead of New York) with a new obsession that isn’t quite like his last one (Beck).  I thought the conclusion was a bit weaker than expected, but the episodes go by rather quickly and, much like last season, I somehow grew to like Penn’s character as well as some of the supporting ones.  Well, I’ll be…I actually kinda do want to watch season three which is allegedly going to happen.  1/10/2020

You (Season Three)                                                     OK

(haiku review)

First two were better.

Not as addicting this time.

Maybe next season?  10/25/2021

*10 episodes; available on Netflix.  You can read my review for season 2 here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/7-reviews-17-ratings.html*

You (Season Four)                                                       EH

I hate to say it, but I think this Netflix series (originally on Lifetime) featuring serial killer Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley) should’ve ended already.  I did enjoy the first two seasons (my review of season two can be read here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/7-reviews-17-ratings.html), but season three is where I began to lose interest (my haiku review of it is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/10/oldahs-double-feature.html).  If you don’t read that haiku review of last season, I said this---First two were better.  Not as addicting this time.  Maybe next season?  Ha, this season wasn’t addicting at all.  I found the majority of it a chore to sit through, forcing myself to continue (never a good sign, needless to say) since I made it this far.  The setting is now England and Joe is a university professor named Jonathan.  There were too many characters to keep track of and the ten episodes (half were released a month before the other half, likely due to Netflix screwing people with the free trials), which were roughly 50 minutes each (give or take), mostly seemed like three hours a piece!  There was a twist in one of the last episodes that wasn’t even shocking since it’s been done so many times, and I didn’t really care by that point; it didn’t make me consider rewatching the season again either (you’re given flashbacks to all the relevant scenes anyhow).  Not even the occasional grisly scene (at least two come to mind) could save this season for me.  As of now, there is no season five confirmed, but the end of this season hints there very well could be.  I really don’t wish to continue (I know, I know, I say that now), but if they make at least one more and know for sure that will be the end, maybe I’ll tune in one more time…maybe!  Can’t creators just end things?  3/16/2023

You Don’t Nomi                                                          G

Showgirls is a vastly underrated movie, in my opinion.  Not only did it win worst picture of the year it came out (1995) at the Razzies (the opposite end of the Oscars, for those unaware), in addition to 6 other awards out of 13 nominations, but also the worst movie of the decade (1990-2000)!  Now, it’s certainly no masterpiece (masterpiece of shit, as this film labels it) and deserved no Oscar nominations, but it’s not nearly as bad as others have made it out to be (it received 1 ½ out of 5 stars on All Movie and 22% out of 54 critics on Rotten Tomatoes).  I don’t even think its so-bad-its-good; just good, not great; it being a simplistic slice-of-life film about a young woman (played by Elizabeth Berkley) yearning to successfully dance in Las Vegas.  The production values are clearly high and it was directed by Paul Verhoeven (he who made RoboCop, Total Recall, and Basic Instinct before this) and written by Joe Eszterhas (he who wrote Flashdance and Basic Instinct before this), so it’s not like it was a cheapie effort made by and starring nobodies (although it makes we wonder how different the reception would’ve been if it was).  I heard about this documentary after a fellow high school alumni and documentary filmmaker, Tommy Avallone (The Bill Murray Stories, Waldo on Weed), posted a trailer for it on social media.  I don’t think this film will change what opinion you already have about the 1995 film in question, but it should hold the interest of anyone that’s even slightly a fan of it.  That being said, I’m not sure if any of its detractors (and there are many) would be interested, because I don’t think I’d care too much about a 90-minute documentary on a film I wasn’t a fan of.  It does veer into other discussions, such as Paul Verhoeven’s other films or the career of Elizabeth Berkley, but it all ties in to that infamous NC-17 rated film (which wasn’t even a rating until 1990 when it replaced the X rating).  It ultimately contains specific opinions and theories, one being that the movie resonated with gay men in particular---I never thought of it like that, but it’s a compelling notion---and I always like hearing other opinions as well as having film discussions (which documentaries like this are equivalent to).  Again, I still don’t understand all the hatred for Showgirls, even though film criticism is 100% subjective, and at least this documentary appears to be on the same wavelength.  And again, I would say this is more for fans of the actual film, but if you like hearing thoughts on movies, whether you liked them or not, especially if they became cult hits, I think you know what I’d say…6/28/2020

You’ll Never Find Me                                                  G

Australian horror film taking place in one primary location with just two primary characters.  The setting is a trailer in a trailer park on a stormy night, which is a great setup that gives the film an eerie aura.  A middle-aged man lives in this trailer alone.  One night, late too, a younger girl knocks on his door asking to be let in from the storm after running from a nearby beach.  He reluctantly lets her in.  He can’t drive her anywhere and has no phone, but there is a pay phone on the other side of the trailer park behind a locked fence.  But, you know, the storm outside is dangerous.  The girl can leave whenever she wants, the man even telling her she doesn’t have to stay, but something always prevents her from doing so (the menacing storm just one excuse).  Who is the one that needs to be cautious you’ll wonder.  Movies 101 (as well as history) tell us the girl most likely, but there have been Hard Candy instances too, so either one of them could be in danger.  The revelations aren’t completely shocking, but it does get a bit bizarre once they hit; there shouldn’t be too many different interpretations though (before you choose to look up spoilers afterwards).  I think they managed well in making this work with just one location and two characters (that’s not to say you might not get impatient at all during its roughly 100-minutes though).  I liked this one.  I see potential cult status.  4/20/2024

Your Name.                                                                 EH/OK

Look no further if you want to see Freaky Friday, The Hot Chick or any other body-switch film Anime-ted.  It’s body-switching via dream but the same idea.  There’re also elements of Donnie Darko and The Butterfly Effect.  While it could’ve been interesting seeing the “put yourself in others shoes” theme in this format, it gets frustrating as to who’s in what body and finishes off as a sappy melodrama.  11/18/2017

You Were Never Really Here                                      EH/OK

I recall Joaquin Phoenix saying he was no longer going to be acting at one time.  His performance wasn’t bad here at all, I’m just saying; proof you should never believe when artists (especially musicians) bid their farewells.  This is basically a sophisticated body count movie with Mr. Phoenix being the “good guy.”  It had a dark undertone but I ultimately felt like I was really here before but something was missing this time around.  8/11/2018

Z

Zombieland:  Double Tap                                           G

I am a fan of Zombieland, back when it was released in 2009 and now.  It was released before zombies basically became trendy with The Walking Dead and Z Nation among others, but zombies were old hat even by 2009; Zombieland is one of the ones that stood out though, even becoming somewhat legendary within just ten years.  There have been talks of a sequel for a while now, plus a TV show that didn’t work out, and while this obviously isn’t as good as the first one (the majority of sequels aren’t, even if they’re still worthy), nor did I expect it to be, I still enjoyed it enough to recommend it.  [I do want to watch it again, mainly because I had to pee a little more than halfway through and I never want to miss a single second of a movie (especially in the theater; that’s the main plus about watching at home---the pause button), so I subconsciously wished it would quickly be over while simultaneously enjoying it as much as I could despite how uncomfortable I was gradually becoming.  It sucks getting older.]  The main cast of characters really haven’t changed since the first go-round, so whether you liked or hated them before, you should still feel the same way about them.  Other characters are added too, of course (I actually thought the stereotypical blonde was more funny than annoying).  There’s a mid- and post-credits sequence involving a famous face from the first film (you probably know who I’m talking about, and the name does appear in the credits if you research) that I actually thought was rather idiotic, embarrassingly so, instead of even remotely funny, so you decide if you want to watch the credits (I always do ever since Napoleon Dynamite).  Anyway, if the director, Ruben Fleischer, decides to make a third film in another ten years, I’ll definitely tune in but still won’t likely think it’s better than, or at least equal to, the first.  Prove me wrong though, Ruben; or I’ll at least settle for it being better than this one, which was still a decent follow-up.  10/19/2019

Z-O-M-B-I-E-S                                                            G

This Disney Channel ‘Original Movie’ is simply titled Zombies; I just spelled it out in “cheer-speak” because that’s how it’s advertised.  It does contain zombies (if you count green hair and slightly pale skin) but it’s a musical/teen movie about differences and acceptance.  The differences here don’t involve race, gender, or sexuality; only if you’re living or zombie.  They’re technically not zombies since they didn’t die and return, just changed after an accident.  This accident caused the living to separate them with a wall, but eventually the zombies are allowed to attend high school on the living side after given devices called Z-bands preventing them from going rogue.  You can probably guess many will look past their differences by films end right?  There’s even a Romeo and Juliet subplot with a human and zombie falling in love, but I actually tolerated this film much more than I thought I would.  It’s aware of many clichés despite still utilizing them.  I think it would’ve been better strictly as a teen movie, but none of the musical numbers were too distracting regardless of being corny (it’s a Disney channel movie after all).  What the hell, I’m recommending it because I found no fault with it and liked the message saying those that are intolerant are the ones that have to change instead of those deemed “different” changing themselves.  That’s definitely uplifting for those (both young and old) struggling to feel good about themselves in the modern world.  2/20/2018

Zombie Town                                                              OK/G

I never read the 2012 book by Mr. R.L. Stine in which this film is based, so I couldn’t do any comparisons (I’ll probably check it out if I ever get my hands on it, even though reading the book afterwards isn’t quite the same thing).  Yes, as much as I love the scribe, I haven’t read all of his books (there are lots, and he hasn’t stopped yet!).  Here, Dan Aykroyd plays a filmmaker living in a small town (which was renamed after his character) releasing a new film 30 years since his previous one (you will learn why the long gap).  Something happens while this film is in the movie theater projector which turns most of the townspeople into…want to take a guess?  These zombies don’t munch on flesh, but they do have a way of infecting those not zombified, which I think was a slightly clever way of keeping it family friendly (or at least not R-rated) while still managing to work for open-minded horror fans (like yours truly).  The reasoning behind the apocalypse was a bit clever too.  It did feel a bit lacking when it was over---there’s even a post-credits sequence involving some of the performers criticizing the fluffy ending before teasing us after hints of it being altered (jerks!)---but it was still a decent gateway horror flick in that TV-movie-of-yore kind of way (you know---small town, movie theater, kids, Halloween, monsters, etc.).  10/6/2023

Zombieworld                                                               OK

Structured as an anthology but more like a Quentin Tarantino film (where the characters never intertwine) or Love Actually (with zombies).  There’s several stories of the undead (presented as news stories in the “wraparound” segment) in different parts of the world and one at a different time (Biblical times to be exact).  The Jesus segment in the beginning and the final entry on the beach are the goriest.  The Jesus segment uses a certain seafood as a weapon and piles on the gore Dead Alive-lawnmower style.  Most of the entries offer nothing relatively novel which I understand is hard in these post-Walking Dead times but they should be distinguished like Zombieland.  Personal standouts include a “misunderstood” zombie tale set in West Virginia, a first-person POV taking shelter in an abandoned house before being consumed, and a Zombieland-like interspersed trilogy about surviving a zombie apocalypse.  Currently, this is paired with Monsterland (reviewed above) at Walmart for only $10.  Think of it as paying for a Grindhouse double feature you can keep forever.  8/10/2016

Zoombies                                                                     OK

Very good idea that’s mostly (maybe half-ly) executed well with some decent effects.  I just wish there were more zombified animal attacks.  We can’t always get what we want though.  Some of the “Zoombies” were pretty cool looking.  I think this would be a kick-ass movie if given the same budget as Jurassic World and all the creatures were predominantly practical effects.  3/27/2016

Zootopia                                                                      G

I’m going to reference an Android tagline not only because I like it but it also applies to this new Disney film:  Be together.  Not the same.  This world inhabited solely by animals, both “prey” and “predator,” contains metaphors for human struggles such as gender, race and sexual orientation.  Has a positive message for kids about acceptance in a diverse world.  This world would be rather boring if we were all the same, just don’t “hate” others for being different or make assumptions on how other groups are perceived/stereotyped.  We, humans and animals, all generally have the same traits underneath and just want to live our lives how we desire.  There’s enough here for all ages to enjoy.  6/9/2016

ZZ Top: That Little Ol’ Band from Texas                   OK/G

New documentary available on Netflix featuring “that little ol’ band from Texas” consisting of three members, two of which renowned for their lengthy beards (before those Duck Dynasty people); ironically, the only member without a beard (the drummer) has Beard as a surname!  ZZ Top was never a band I truly got into, the first time hearing of them was seeing their name on the Dazed and Confused soundtrack in the Nineties, but I do like some of their songs.  Oftentimes with bands/artists, even if I like them just a little or sometimes not at all, biopics and/or documentaries are always nice in giving them a human quality (also why I’m a big fan of reading interviews in magazines or on websites).  I remember when I first heard a ZZ Top song (don’t ask me which one), I thought they had kind of a country sound while they’re really just “blues-influenced” via rock ‘n roll.  This documentary details the band’s beginnings before they all met up to the release of their likely most famous record, Eliminator, which contains hits like “Sharp Dressed Man,” “Legs,” “Gimme All Your Lovin’,” and “Got Me Under Pressure.”  While it states the band is still making music today and are still together (obviously since they’re all alive and giving interviews here), I kind of wish they would’ve included a bit more after Eliminator to the present day (unless a second part is planned).  I did learn some things, such as how the band name came about (something I always wondered) and what lead to their iconic facial hair coming to be, as well as a certain musical genre having an influence on their later work.  Decent albeit incomplete documentary on that little ol’ band from Texas.  3/25/2020

---Sean O.